I feel so guilty/terrible :(

[Heartbroken in Vermont]

I am in so much distress right now; I just ended a 2 year relationship w/my girlfriend and I am so sad and confused, I guess I could use some good advice that I have seen posted here.

 

In a nutshell, we spent most if not all of our time 'together', playing, eating, sleeping....everything. We were basically each other's 'life', Life was fun for both of us, things were healthy and fine. During the last few months, it became evident to me that the relationship from my point of view had reached a 'plateau'. She has told me that she was in love with me, problem is although she is so special to me and I care for her very much....I am not in love with her.

 

Although I was 'content' with the relationship, it was 'unbalanced' and it was torture for her. She would 'break down' and cry because, well if you were ever in a 'one-way' relationship and your partner is not 'putting in their share' - you know what I mean. I felt terrible when this would happen, I would try to change my behavior, but most of the time I would be at a 'loss for words'. Things would seem better for a while, but would soon 'unravel' and it the underlying problem would soon re-surface again (even worse).

 

I knew what I had to do, but I felt like a coward probably because I 'ignored' the 'truth' for so long. I finally found the strength to end it and she was..well 'devastated'. I think it was a good break-up (if that exists), I mean I was honest, truthful and told outright that it was the best for both of us - I couldn't stand seeing her so miserable any longer and I was the problem, even know she was in love with me, but now she is so 'heart-broken'.

 

I especially feel so bad right now because she has no 'close' friends or room-mates to console with. She lives alone, moved up here two years ago, met me - and never really made any other 'friends', except for my friends. She is all alone and doesn't even have a 'shoulder' to cry on - God this is making me sob as I type this

 

She is my best friend, I feel so alone and empty...what should I do now?

 

- Heartbroken in Vermont

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "She is my best friend, I feel so alone and empty...what should I do now?"

 

Be very happy that you finally did what should have been done very long ago. Staying in a relationship with someone who has significantly greater feelings for you than you for her is not fair to either of you.

 

I think there is a way to preserve the friendship but right now you should NOT be in her presence, talk to her, call her, Email her, etc. Even though she has nobody right there to help her deal with this, being around you in any fashion will prolong her hurt and abate the healing process.

 

In time, if things work out, the two of you may be able to be friends...if neither of you is seeing someone else. Don't worry about that now.

 

Her healing process is not your responsiblity. It is completely hers. This is not a cruel or uncaring way of thinking. You did the right thing to cut it off, albeit a bit late in the game, but you did it. Your job is done. Break ups are painful for both the dumper and the dumpee, in different ways if both are caring and feeling people. I am sure your decision to cut her loose was extremely difficult and you were heartbroken at having to do it.

 

Go easy on yourself. People are very resilient and your ex will find ways to connect with others and to get through the healing process. If she needs you initially for short periods, make yourself available but be very clear to her that your presence in her life right now is NOT a positive thing and ultimately she will have to look elsewhere for support. But keep this contact to a very minimum and for a very short period of time. I usually would not recommend this brief contact but in this case, since she has nobody else, you may be of some help to keep her from a deep depression. Make sure you stear her to help.

 

This will be a learning process for her. My bet is she will never make another person her entire life again. That is pretty unhealthy. Dating someone who has no friends whatsoever other than yours and who depends upon you to meet her every social need in life is a horrible burden to place on anyone. She was extremely unfair to do this and now she must learn her lesson.

 

If you discouraged her from making other friends, shame on you. If not, forget it.

 

Now move on with your life and for God's sake, if you do not really care for a lady in more than just a friendship way, don't make her such an important part of your life and don't box her in the way you did this one. I know you didn't mean to do it but you now see the consequences of going along with something you know should have never began in the first place.

 

It's nice you care enough to be concerned about her but you have been a great teacher and she must now soak in the lesson...all by herself.

[Nicky]

YOU ASK: "She is my best friend, I feel so alone and empty...what should I do now?"

 

Be very happy that you finally did what should have been done very long ago. Staying in a relationship with someone who has significantly greater feelings for you than you for her is not fair to either of you. I think there is a way to preserve the friendship but right now you should NOT be in her presence, talk to her, call her, Email her, etc. Even though she has nobody right there to help her deal with this, being around you in any fashion will prolong her hurt and abate the healing process. In time, if things work out, the two of you may be able to be friends...if neither of you is seeing someone else. Don't worry about that now. Her healing process is not your responsiblity. It is completely hers. This is not a cruel or uncaring way of thinking. You did the right thing to cut it off, albeit a bit late in the game, but you did it. Your job is done. Break ups are painful for both the dumper and the dumpee, in different ways if both are caring and feeling people. I am sure your decision to cut her loose was extremely difficult and you were heartbroken at having to do it. Go easy on yourself. People are very resilient and your ex will find ways to connect with others and to get through the healing process. If she needs you initially for short periods, make yourself available but be very clear to her that your presence in her life right now is NOT a positive thing and ultimately she will have to look elsewhere for support. But keep this contact to a very minimum and for a very short period of time. I usually would not recommend this brief contact but in this case, since she has nobody else, you may be of some help to keep her from a deep depression. Make sure you stear her to help. This will be a learning process for her. My bet is she will never make another person her entire life again. That is pretty unhealthy. Dating someone who has no friends whatsoever other than yours and who depends upon you to meet her every social need in life is a horrible burden to place on anyone. She was extremely unfair to do this and now she must learn her lesson. If you discouraged her from making other friends, shame on you. If not, forget it. Now move on with your life and for God's sake, if you do not really care for a lady in more than just a friendship way, don't make her such an important part of your life and don't box her in the way you did this one. I know you didn't mean to do it but you now see the consequences of going along with something you know should have never began in the first place. It's nice you care enough to be concerned about her but you have been a great teacher and she must now soak in the lesson...all by herself.

You should not feel guilty.There are never any guarantees in life.

 

If it wasn't working for you, then ultimately it wouldn't have worked for her. You did the right thing in ending it.

 

Rather you finish it now, than drag it out another year, and end up living a lie. That wouldn't have been fair on anybody.

 

And basically, if she doesn't have any friends, then that is her problem. That is most likely because she got so involved with you, that she didn't keep in touch with her friends or make new ones. She chose to make you the pivotal focus of her life. That isn't your problem.

[Heartbroken in Vermont]

Tony:

 

Thanks so much for the advice, it really helps. You seem to posess a keen understanding of relationships and are able to articulate that through words very well. You're a very wise person.

 

The thing is that I 'did know better' than to prolong the relationship, but this is one of my downfalls - I feel now that it was a selfish act to keep it going as long as it did. I guess it's easier to ignore the truth and 'put it off' than to 'deal' with it.

 

You stated that there was a lesson to be learned, so true - I just have to 'remember' this lesson beforehand if I ever find myself in this kind of situation again. We both have to go through this healing process, I will listen to your advice and keep my distance/space. This is probably the hardest part since I want to be there for her to 'deal' with it, but I cannot.

 

This has helped me.

[Heartbroken in Vermont]

These replies really help me in dealing with this. I know I did the right thing, it hurts to be reminded and feel how 'low' human emotion can sink as a consequence. They say the only gaurantees in life are 'death & taxes', but I think they should include 'heartache' right there beside it.

 

The only thing I am guilty (and feel) of is not doing 'the right thing' sooner - this feeling I deserve and hopefully learn my lesson from. Although my heart is 'broken' also, I've been through it before and with a little advice/support I know I will get through this eventually. I am a very caring person, I could care less of my feelings right now in light of the way I know my ex is feeling right now - this is what really is breaking my heart.

 

She is younger and doesn't really have any past 'unfortunate experience' to guide her through. We all (hopefully)learn from our mistakes they say and I feel you are right when you stated she shouldn't have made 'me' the pivotal focus of her life (make no other friends, etc.) I can only hope she will someday understand this.

 

You should not feel guilty.There are never any guarantees in life. If it wasn't working for you, then ultimately it wouldn't have worked for her. You did the right thing in ending it. Rather you finish it now, than drag it out another year, and end up living a lie. That wouldn't have been fair on anybody. And basically, if she doesn't have any friends, then that is her problem. That is most likely because she got so involved with you, that she didn't keep in touch with her friends or make new ones. She chose to make you the pivotal focus of her life. That isn't your problem.

[Tony T]

Forgive yourself and forget it!!! Thankfully the charade is finally over and all can go their way.

[confused girl]

I read this post now and feel I am in the same position now myself. Exactly the same, we are like best friends and get along very well, but something isn't right and I have known all along about this. You have done the thing that I have put off for so long. The difference is that he has many friends, and most of my friends are his, so in ending this, I am going to be the one to lost most in terms of friends. Anyway, good luck and strength to you. When you meet the right person it will be worth it. xxx.