He said no, but...

[smothem1]

I need some advice.

 

A co-worker of my husbands has had a thing for him for at least a year now. I noticed it and I told him about it. He's never had a woman that was interested in him first, and disregarded it. When he did finally realize it, he took the time to mention in a conversation going on at work that nothing would pull him away from his wife.

 

During a business trip to Chicago. (a large group of people went) she came to his hotel room crying on his shoulder about her problems with her fiance. He tried to comfort her and she proceeded to say she had feelings for him and kiss him. He DID stop her, but she'd kissed him several times first. He feels guilty because she got more than one kiss in before he stopped her and further feels guilty because his body reacted to the kissing. Then, when he stopped her, she continued to try to sway him by telling him that I didn't deserve him and bringing up things from our past. (I assume tyring to open old wounds) I don't know the details of how he responded. When he got home, I specifically asked him if she'd tried anything because my gut told me that she was going to. He told me no. Well, I now find out that she did indeed try to convince him to leave me. Told him she could offer him things I couldn't, etc. He didn't tell me because he thought he had handled it, and he didn't see any reason to hurt me when he had put a stop to it.

 

I don't blame him for the kiss. He stopped it and I feel that was the right thing for him to do. It's a difficult situation for anyone to be in, and he didn't let it get past a few kisses before he told her that he wouldn't do it, he loved his wife and wouldn't risk his marriage. He further fought her off as she continued to try to tell him I'd never have to know, etc, etc.

 

I gave her the benefit of the doubt and talked to her, but that made things worse. After my talk with her, my husband and I both realize that she's not going to give up. He can't cut ties to her or ask for a transfer, so he's still got to work with her. The place they work is /very/ small. I'm talking my kitchen and living room combined makes up the total place. So we're stuck in a situation where we know that he can't be hateful to her, and where we know that she is likely going to press further in the future. He has assured me that he is prepared for it this time, and isn't niave enough to think it won't happen again. I believe he will be quicker to stop it the next time, but the fact that he still has to go to work and work with her every single day makes my stomach turn.

 

Everyone says I have to trust him to handle this. They seem to think that my fear is irrational and that if I trust him, I will simply not worry about it. I wish I could do that, but we've got to stay here for at least 2 more years and quitting his job isn't an option, nor is asking to switch to another department due to his management position where he is, and the benefit of free tuition by working here.

 

I guess my question is, how do I heal? I know he has to heal himself, but how do I heal and quit worrying over what she's going to do? Yes, I know he will stop her again and again, but the fact that we can't get out of this situation is difficult to accept. We have come up with a plan that he'll start asking other employees to go places that she normally would follow him to where she can get him alone. (To the basement to get supplies or the ice room to get salads) and that I'll frequently be coming to take him to lunch. This way, she sees me and we present a united front, and maybe she'll think twice if she feels we've grown closer because of this situation. If that plan doesn't work, then we're looking at him stepping down and moving departments to get away from her. That would financially put us in a bind and we're already tight with money. So how do I accept that she's there, and that she's not done trying to talk him into hating me and loving her? It's not a trust issue with him. It's me being scared that we'll be in this position again someday and we'll both hurt just as bad as we do now. Running away would be so easy for us both, but it's not feesible. We HAVE to stick this out. He HAS to stay at his job, and frankly, he's too embarassed to tell his boss about this, so he can't request she be transfered either.

 

If I keep going the way I am, I'm going to drive him away and I don't want to do that. I trust him. I love him and I know more than ever that he loves me. If he didn't, he wouldn't have stopped her at all. The things she said about me not deserving him and such hit on the biggest insecurity that I have. He doesn't feel that way, but sometimes I feel that way, and to hear someone else say it, just breaks my heart. So, what can I do beyond keeping up to date on what he tells me about her, and trust him? Is there anything else I can do?? I'm obsessing and it's pushing him away because he did the right thing and now he feels like I am...well, I don't know the word for it, but he feels like I'm putting it in his face far more than is needed, and he's probably right, but it hurts sooo badly.

 

Forgot to mention. The co-worker and her fiance did split up. Their problems were not fixable and he broke it off last week, so now she doesn't have him to feel guilty about, even.

[Mr Spock]

SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE

 

Hellooo......

 

Too embarassed my ass!!! If he keeps rejecting her do you want her to get mad/crazy and file a harassment lawsuit against him?!?!?! Takes steps to protect your family. If your husband won't do it, tell his boss yourself.

 

Be very careful.

[smothem1]

You know, because they have been friends for nearly 2 years, neither of us even /thought/ about what would happen if she got angry with him! She still thinks he's her friend, and thinks I believe the crap she fed me when we talked. She has no idea that he and I talked about what she said to me, and the conclusions we came to because of it. We have no intentions of letting her know that we're on to her, either. We're just trying to be perpared to deal with it.

 

I will be mentioning this to him tomorrow evening, though. Because she's likely to notice when he stops doing things that he used to. Sure, he'll still be friendly toward her, but things like having her go with him to get salads and stuff? Not taking his lunch at the same time that she does and going with the normal group, etc. She's a smart girl, she's going to catch on that he's trying to distance himself and well, I'm a woman -- It'd tick me off for a man to do that to me. Especially one I wanted for myself!

 

Ugh. Okay, so yes. Going to mention this to him!!! Thank you!

[dyermaker]

Human Resources.

[CurlyIam]

It's your husband's business to handle this. What you can do is not create any more pressure for him at home. If he constantly rejects her, she'll end making a total full out of herself.

 

Don't think that the collegues didn't see it. A single woman throwing herself at a married man. Worst: a single woman luring a married man and geting rejected! How any more pathetic can that be?

 

With his workmates and all... I think you're safe. Don't ruin the show !

 

And don't let her bug you or make you feel insecure about your relationship or about your man! Be wise and do Not talk to the boss! That's embarassing and looks like "mommy's calling the pricipal to make him tell that little girl to let her little boy alone, for he can't concentrate during classes"! Plus she will found out and will think that her actions are starting to pay off - like an acknoledgement of the fact that she got both your attention.

 

Have some pride and don't do it! I suggest you constanly talk to your husband, and if this sharadeof her's goes on, than tell him to do something more concrete about it. Hopefully that won't be the case and she'll understand!!!!

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

It's your husband's business to handle this. What you can do is not create any more pressure for him at home. If he constantly rejects her, she'll end making a total full out of herself.

 

Don't think that the collegues didn't see it. A single woman throwing herself at a married man. Worst: a single woman luring a married man and geting rejected! How any more pathetic can that be?

 

With his workmates and all... I think you're safe. Don't ruin the show !

 

And don't let her bug you or make you feel insecure about your relationship or about your man! Be wise and do Not talk to the boss! That's embarassing and looks like "mommy's calling the pricipal to make him tell that little girl to let her little boy alone, for he can't concentrate during classes"! Plus she will found out and will think that her actions are starting to pay off - like an acknoledgement of the fact that she got both your attention.

 

Have some pride and don't do it! I suggest you constanly talk to your husband, and if this sharadeof her's goes on, than tell him to do something more concrete about it. Hopefully that won't be the case and she'll understand!!!!

 

Curly that's horrible advice. This is happening at WORK. There are laws against this kind of thing-this could turn VERY ugly and needs to be documented. Her husband needs to protect himself and his job against any retribution by this woman, which will happen eventually. The boss needs to know. No one will just suddenly "find out" if you don't officially report it, people have a way of putting their heads in the ground around this kind of sensitive stuff. Trust me.

[CurlyIam]

This is not the wife's job!!!! It' her husband's!!! If he feels like handling the situation, fine! IT is his shot, not her's!

she did not hit on him at work, she did it when going at a hotel.

 

As a matter of fact, read this:

 

I gave her the benefit of the doubt and talked to her, but that made things worse. After my talk with her, my husband and I both realize that she's not going to give up

 

She craves attention. Why would she choose a married man who works with her?

 

It is the husband's choice! I think any outside factors will only make her think she's on the right track!

 

 

Law protecting against what? She did what exactly? Gone to him to his hotel room? At work, that's it! Anyway, as far as I know it is damn hard to prove sexual harassment at the work place.

 

I tell you,ignoring her, being cold towards her, evoiding her will do the trick. When she'll have nothing to cling onto, she'll go find another victim! No attention at all, not from him, not from his wife! That, talking to a lawyer and trying to gather evidence, if her husband feels uncomfortable to all this situation!!!!

[Mr Spock]

The boss needs to know. This is happening in the workplace. If her husband won't protect the family then she needs to take the initiative. Ignoring her AND letting the sup know that this woman is coming on to him and it's not appreciated is the way to go. I'm not expecting her to go into the workplace by herself-if her husband is avoiding the issue she should go in with him. This is serious-his job may very well be at stake down the road. Not a time to play games.

[CurlyIam]

okey, let's assume the boss knows. Do you actually think that he's not gonna tell her? That he'll help him gather evidence against her?

 

I don't know if in court he can have a lawsuit againt her and not against the company for "proper working conditions"- I have no idea about laws in the US.

 

The boss will talk to this other woman. Result: attention! She can then play the victim or who knows what else! If it were me in her husband's shoes, I'd hate my wife to go talk to my boss. This is entirely up to him to protect himself and his job! One can't fight the other person's battle!

 

 

All she can do is trust him, comfort him and allow him the freedome to do exactly what he feels as appropriate!

[smothem1]

I agree that the boss should know about this, and I fully intend to discuss it with my husband. While I would not be comfortable going to her myself, I would go in with him and be his support while he told her. Not to file a complaint, but so that she is aware.

I also want to emphasize that while this was a Work Trip, she has done nothing over the line while on work grounds. I'm not sure if I was clear on that or not. There is also one other co-worker that knows about this. The woman told him and he (being my husbands friend as well) talked to my husband about it. So there is someone else besides my husband that knows the situation. Which will help should she do anything in the future.

[Mr Spock]

This is the kind of thing that can destroy an entire office and needs to be dealt with post haste. Through "official" channels. It was a work related trip, therefore it was WORK.

 

Please protect yourself.

[kirkyswife]

I wholeheartedly agree with everyone here that first and foremost Hubby needs to talk to Human Resources and document this situation to Cover his behind. Next, I suggest that you seek the counsel of an attorney - whether or not a restraining order might be in order - to protect him from false accusations from her against him of Sexual Harassment.

 

Next, I'm a lot more forthright than you - I'd call the b with an itch and eloquently advise that you have been apprised of her actions and that woman to woman it would be in her best interests to find another man to pursue. NOW if she continued, I'm quite aggressive and I don't suggest that you do this but I would open up a can of Whoop A** and have her handled but that's just me and well I don't say that it's right but I had to get that off my chest. Okay back from insanity - then I would make life miserable and sue her for sexual harassment. I hope your husband is being completely up-front with all that happened I don't want you incurring any surprises. As far as healing, well I am the biggest supporter of counseling - individual or even group for this particular situation might offer an outlet for your frustration and insight on coping.

 

Real Talk sweetie this chick can not run you out of town - NO unacceptable. You put the heat back on her - you have each other the "United Front" so no one can tear down that wall. You are going to be fine - just use all the resources available. ALSO, I would suggest keeping a journal of incidents just in case you have to go to court all your ducks are in row.

 

Good luck!

[smothem1]

Funny, I just found out that I have to make a phone call to this girl to cancel a social engagement that we had planned with several friends, including her. First of all, neither of us are up to going and being social with her. Second of all, I can't right now. It's not possible given that I'm still very hurt.

 

I have given this a lot of thought, and I am going to tell her in no uncertain terms that I have no desire to be her friend, that I don't believe a word she said to me, and further, I know that she told my husband I was worthless, didn't deserve him and that she could offer him so much more than someone that does nothing but take advantage of him. Once I'm done saying that, I will calmly thank her for her part in making my husband and I both realize that we needed to work on some things, and thus, making us a stronger couple. I will let her know that we spent 2 straight days talking about our future and deciding on the changes that we need to make in order to build on the solid foundation that we have now. I'm not going to threaten her at all. I think 'thanking' her for bringing us closer together will do more good than a threat. Besides, I'm 95 pounds, 5'1" and she's 6 foot and I don't know how much weight. And she knows how to use knives. I think a fight with her is the last thing I need, and I can sting and make my point better with the 'thank you' at the end. I may lose my nerve, but I somehow doubt it. I can't fake forgiving and being friends. My husband might be able to, but I don't deal with the stress as well as he does.

[kirkyswife]

I wasn't really suggesting that YOU engage in a fight - I'm 5'7 165 and a pretty girl and well pretty girls don't fight - it was more of a attitude.

 

I hope you don't lose your nerve to "thank her for bringing you and your hubby closer" and I admire your strength. You're standing much taller than 5'1.

 

Be Strong!

[CurlyIam]

Talk all you want to that girl! That's what she want: attention! Do you think that consideing the fact that she had the nerve to go to your husband, to his hotel room, to tell him those things, to kiss him etc etc, she'll back off after a talk to you on the phone?

 

Nooooo!

 

 

If you want war, than use the heavy artilery: social even, you wearing high heels, sophisticated dress, armed with one extra-inlove husband! The slap in her face would be seeing you slow dancing and smiling at eachother!!!

 

 

I understanf kirky's suggestion, I myself get carried away too in the heat of emotions, but this "enemy" must be pulverized!

 

In the end, you do whatever makes you comfortable, but remember you have talked to her before and you got nothing. Why acknoledge the fact that you two have or had troubles, but are woking on your relationship? Why acknoledge the fact thet your husband told you about what she said about you? She is unimportant!!!

 

She is soo little that you must simply throw her in her face your happiness! There's nothing that infuriates more an "attention whore".

 

She must understand that whatever idea she has had about her and your husband, are born dead!!! Go out there, be beatiful and charming and Face her!!!

 

 

Especially since she did not do anything out of the line at work, the boss and the collegues don't need to know!!! The law, curt part is your hubby's shot! Don't use your insecurities to fuel this. The boss will only regard you as a paranoid wife!

 

Instead, get your bùt to the beaty saloon and on the mall, spend some money on yourself and make her get out of that social event crying!!!!!!!!

[Mr Spock]

But she DID do something out of line at work. If a man was on a business trip with a woman colleague and exhibited the same kind of behaviour she'd have grounds for a sexual harrassment suit, especially (sic) since it was unwanted attention. Why do you fail to see this Curly? I'm not saying she march down there and rat her husband's co worker out. I'm saying make him do it. It's fairly serious. You can wear all the nice dresses you want but when she feels the rejection from your husband and is looking to hurt you back you'd better be prepared for a battle. From what you've indicated your husband said, she won't stop pursuing him as long as he's kind. Avoiding won't work, you need to protect your family. The boss, as an employer, is bound by your version of the charter of rights and freedoms to take your husband's complaints seriously. Etc, etc, etc. It's up to you. Do you want to fool around playing games with this woman and your husband or do you want to nip this in the bud? Slow dancing together and looking good is always nice, but it won't save his ass if she makes false allegations against him.

[Debster]

I think the husband should handle it himself by contacting HR. Mention that this happened on a work trip and that it has made him uncomfortable. While nothing has happened at work - it could. The HR person most likely will try to transfer him or schedule things so they can avoid each other.

 

The longer the wait, the harder it will be to believe.

 

As for smothem1 - do not call her. Stay away from her. Do not call her. Any contact you have with this woman could be used against you IF it turns into a sexual harrasment case. She could turn it around on you. Avoid her.

[Mr Spock]

Maybe I'm paranoid-but I just see that exact thing happening in this situation. Take it from someone that is experiencing rejection at the moment-revenge is a hard thing to get a handle on.

[smothem1]

I talked to him before work this morning since I was still awake anyway. He said he would give some very serious thought to talking to his boss. I let him know I'd go with him and be his support if he'd let me. So, we'll see how that goes.

 

I don't get to make my call today, anyway. It's the wrong day and she's in classes all day anyway. I am not sure if she works today or not, but if she does, she'll be seeing my face as I'm meeting my husband for lunch this afternoon. Step one of our plan.

 

I intend to look nice anytime she's around, and as my husband is planning on talking to her again and telling her he's not comfortable around her, and thinks social interaction is more than he can handle right now. Of course, he'll be polite about it and he'll say nice things to soothe the wounded feelings. Sometimes being a nice guy sucks, but then, when you want your workplace to be somewhat enjoyable, I guess it makes sense. Bah. If she doesn't listen to him this time, he'll likely be asking for a transfer. That's the best we can come up with right now if all else fails. (But that was like a 10 minute talk, so no real decisions...more brainstorming on possibilities and him keeping me informed of his plans to talk to her and what he was going to say to her)

[Debster]

Your husband should not tell her anything.

Just don't spend time with her.

Why explain it? This woman doesn't deserve an explanation.

He should not tell his BOSS, but rather HR. HR is trained to deal with these things.

[Mr Spock]

It's a really small company Debster, like teeny tiny-I suggested boss because I wasn't sure if he had a HR department. Management should have some kind of appropriate training to deal with these kinds of situations. Or I hope so, at least.

[smothem1]

I'll talk to him about HR instead of the boss when I go to lunch. It's actually a University, but his department and where he works specifically is very small. As in the building and the work area, so yeah, definite HR department there. As for why he will explain it to her. I think the reason is two fold.

 

First of all, they have been friends for 2 years. It's very hard to just forget a friendship overnight. As with most relationships, friendships hit rough places, and well, you want to work things out if possible. (This is why I went to talk to her originally...to try and save our friendship. It didn't work out that way, though)

 

The second point is directly related to the first. I think that he wants to believe that the friendship they had will prevent her from taking things further if he only tells her again that he isn't attracted to her and further tells her that he's now uncomfortable around her because he feels that she's not giving up. (And believe me, I've warned him of what she'll say to this line of talk! He should be well prepared to stand his ground) Part of this is pure disallusionment on his part. He wants to save a friendship that he knows isn't savable, but he's not ready to accept that he can't change her feelings or at least prevent her from acting on them again. It will take some time, and I think it will come as he heals and we talk about things as a couple. I sympathize with him on this because I have had friendships that I knew were doomed and yet, I tried to salvage them. Try and Fail. It's sometimes the only way that you can accept that you did all you could and the other person wouldn't give in or up.

 

So anyway, just my thoughts. This isn't anything he's told me about how he's feeling, but after 10 years...well, I know him and I know how he thinks. (My knowing him so well is how this all came out, mind you. I KNEW something happened. I could tell by the look in his eyes and the way he acted -- Granted, my imagination thought much worse things!! It's almost a relief to know it was just a few kisses because I certainly thought it was more when I didn't know the truth)

[Mr Spock]

Ok, that's a bit clearer for me-have him report this to the HR department post haste. There is a fine line between passion and hate, and you don't want her smearing your names across the campus.....

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by Debster

Your husband should not tell her anything.

Just don't spend time with her.

Why explain it? This woman doesn't deserve an explanation.

He should not tell his BOSS, but rather HR. HR is trained to deal with these things.

 

I TOTALLY agree with Debster on this on. No contact, no nothing. As far as the twoof you are concerned, she does not exist. If she attempts to do anything umproper, he'll reject it coldly. Why would he trasfer? No, it is her fault, she shoud face the consequences of ther own deeds! Stay on your ground and defend it!

 

 

If a man was on a business trip with a woman colleague and exhibited the same kind of behaviour she'd have grounds for a sexual harrassment suit, especially (sic) since it was unwanted attention. Why do you fail to see this Curly?

 

What if she says that she's really inlove with smothem's husband? You cannot make it illegal for a person to fall inlove with another person. She did not force herself into his room, she was not violent nor did she force herself to him! That's why I think the business trip is out. Plus, it happened at his hotel room. If he didn't want to talk to her, he didn't have tolet her in, but talk at the bar, in a social place!

 

smothem1

 

You go, girl! That's exactly what I'm talking about. Actions speak louder than words. If you're lucky, she'll do something obvious at work and your hubby will have what to tell the HR!!!

[CurlyIam]

If she really was his friends she wouldn't try to break his marriage. She would have discretely let him know that she's started to have feelings fot him to see his response. As your husband told her that he has a ood marriage,she should have thought of her friend's and person whom she says she's inlove with best interest.

 

Friends don't do this to each other. Tell your husband to see her as she really is: a very selfish person, thinking about herself and her needs exclusively! Baing married for 10 years should have made him wiser!

 

 

May I suggest something, smothem? She is only trying! Don't make a drama out of it. If you are calm, if you trust your husband and love him, he will be stronger too. This is not a time for you to show your insecurities. Be smart and outsmart her!

 

This highly stressful for your husband, I think! So be supportive and understanding, allow him to trust you and confess you what he's been going through... something tells me you may be adding up to the pressure....