Mr Spock Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 It is illegal to harass someone. If this was happening in my workplace I would have reported it. Do you know that if you are a witness to harassment and you don't report it you are just as guilty? She has already expressed fears that this woman will not stop there. It's time to put a stop to this, for her. Don't give feelings a chance to fester. Link to post Share on other sites
DazednConfused Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 I am a sales manager, and i cover a little more than 8 states. One of my major functions is recruiting and hiring new people. I recieved a resume on a woman in another state and scheduled an interview for my next trip to the area. I am always VERY aware of sexual harassment, especially from the woman's side. (all it takes is one allegation and your job is over.) So I ALWAYS conduct interviews in a crowded environment... trendy restaurant, hotel lobby, etc. Anyway, she showed up for her interview..... very tall sexy blonde woman, short skirt, low cut blouse (to display her obviously well-paid for and enhanced cleavage). Very pretty young lady (um... okay, she was pretty hot) . We proceeded with the interview... during which she spent pushing her chest out, raising her arms over her head to stretch, and generally trying to make me stare at her assetts. Now I was very careful to strictly make eye contact thru the entire interview, all the time thinking "My god, this woman is trying to set me up..." She made a couple of references to "special arrangements" if she were to get the job. At this point I am so very happy that we are in public and the hotel concierge is in perfect hearing distance. This kind of thing had happened before, but never to this extent, but I was still willing to hire her. Some of my best salespeople are pretty young women. (let's face it guys, when a beautiful woman comes into our workplace selling something, she has a better shot than the usual 50 something man in a suit.) I still thought I was being set up tho, so I advised that her husband would have to be present at our training session. (My salespeople work from their own home offices, requiring me to go there to train, very intensive for a couple of days and then they are on their own.) I said that I require the spouse so that they have an understanding of the business as well. She said we wouldn't have any "fun" if the husband was around. After that statement, I made another note in my book, and thanked her for her time, but this position was probably not for her. I travelled home and told my wife about the interview and we had a few laughs about it. About a month later, my boss called to advise me that she was placing a sexual harassment suit against me and my company. That I had made suggestive remarks and that when she would not oblige that I had given the job to someone else. She was willing to settle out of court for a year's salary and lost potential wages. He was livid! You see, he assumed she was telling the truth, and I nearly lost my job on the spot. After all, why would a woman come on to a man?? It just didn't make sense. I calmed him down and faxed him my notes about the interview including her statements. I then hired a local lawyer to go to the hotel and question the concierge about what he remembered. By the end of one day, I had a signed and notarized statement from the concierge that the interview for my part was professional, and the only innapropriate remarks came from her. I kept my job; and she probably went on to gold-dig some other poor soul. Cost me about $400 in lawyer and notary fees. The moral of this story?? Smothem, your husband needs to cover his tail. Management needs to know what is going on, and the other person who knows needs to be willing to corroborate his side of things. Management and courts will nearly always take the woman's side without hard evidence. I wish you both luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Ummmmm, I really didn't take the time to read all of the posts in here. But it seems like everyone is telling this woman that her husband needs to let management know. Excuse me, this is a very, very small office, has anyone thought for a second that HE can file SEXUAL HARASSMENT charges on HER with the state? This keeps all of his close working buddies out of the picture and secures his job. This may have already been mentioned but I though I'd through it out there....... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Good. I'm glad someone else who lives by the C Y A rule posted an experience. Link to post Share on other sites
msrealdoll Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Am I the only one that thinks this man is off his rocker to try to retain this woman as a friend? To me, this situation is not that complicated. The husband needs to deal with it, not the wife. He needs to cut off all social contact with this woman forever. He needs to report her to his boss or HR. He doesn't have to file suit, he can just go on the record for future reference. Then he needs to tell this nut that he has reported her, and further advances on her part will result in legal action. This woman is not a friend. She's a predator. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Another thought I had was that the reason the husband is reluctant is because there IS a physical relationship going on.....or he did....sorry sweetie, don't mean to be the bad one but have you considered that angle as well? Link to post Share on other sites
therresa kennedy Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Hello Smothem, I think there is a lot of really good advise here, but first and foremost you need to maintain that ever important connection with your husband. Don't over react, no matter how this may be upsetting you. Men don't like to be pressured, and when you know he loves you and is on YOUR side, don't push him. That said, also remember MEN hate to be pursued by aggressive and from what you say, BIG women. Trust me, they hate it. This woman is going to end up making him absolutely HATE her, and even if he is polite to her he will loathe being around her. But of the advise I have seen, it is Spock and especially Dazed and confused's story that make the most sense to me. This is a human resources issue, it needs to be handled quick, before this horrible woman trys to turn the tables and accuse your husband of wrong doing. This needs to be dealt with, and pronto. Dazed and confused story is absolutely classic, and I have heard others exactly like it. It could become a very bad situation real quick if he does not take this to the proper people. Like Dazed said, women are usually the winners in these cases, but in his case, due to his good note taking and strategic meeting place, he was able to prove his case, but like he says, this isn't usually the way it goes. Good luck to you and try not to obsess, that could be your potentially worst mistake. Stay calm and go to the right people in HR. It sounds like she is a real pig, compared to YOU, and that you are selling yourself short. I don't know many men who like to be hounded by big six foot women, in the long run they usually end up hating the woman doing the hounding. Good luck to youl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smothem1 Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 Situation is handled mostly. He's talking to his boss and he told this woman yesterday that he was not attracted to her and that she needed to back off. I know he told her this because I was a bit early for lunch and walked in on him telling her. (And got to deal with her being a bit umm, not happy to see me) For the person that wonders if there is something really gone on. Yes, I'm human. I've considered it, but I have no reason to believe, given HIS actions that that is the case. This part is clearly a trust issue. I trust him and I also know him well enough to know that he's telling me the truth on this. I didn't need to walk in on him telling her to back off to know that in my heart. The woman is pretty, so yes, I would assume that physically he's attracted to her in some way, shape or form. I don't mind that. It's not the attraction, but what you do with it and he's done nothing wrong, so I'm not going to let jealousy get the best of me. So anyway. We've got until Monday before we need to further worry about this. She's out of town. We have realized so much about ourselves and our marriage through all of this. I'm not thankful for the situation, but I'm thankful that something good can come out of it. Thank you all for your advice. I took some of it, left some of it, and in the end, am handling this the way that is best for my husband and myself. About the friendship. His reasons for keeping it are secure and I support him in those. There is a bit of coy planning in his thought process and I agree that a friendship likely will keep her from doing something out of anger because she'll feel that she hasn't lost totally. To understand that, you'd have to know this girl. He DID say that he would cut all ties with her if that's what it took to make sure his marriage was safe. At first, I told him that's what I wanted. He was immediately going to place a call to her and tell her he'd changed his mind and thought a friendship or anything outside of work wasn't a good idea. I stopped him. I asked him to wait on making that cut because there's a lot of damage that hurting her further right now could do. So the fact that he was willing to cut the ties says everything to me. We'll take this part of things one day at a time. If we feel it's not working for either of us, then he'll cut his ties to her and request that he be transfered to another location or that she be transfered. (This is a comfort thing for him, not a running away thing. No one wants their work enviroment to be bad) So anyway, we'll take this as it comes, talk about it when needed and if we feel things are working against us, or that friendship is getting in the way, then it's done. I can say so at any time and know that he'll do what it takes for us. You don't have to agree with it, but that's our choice and I feel secure in ithat choice. Anyway, thanks again for your advice. I hope this message was clearly written. Last night was my first night of sleep since all this started, and I'm still foggy headed and waking up. Let me stress that I feel better about our marriage right now than I have in nearly 2 years. And I didn't feel BAD about it before. So, that's saying something. Hard times come to everyone, but I guess you deal with them. This part of our lives, unless brought up by her for some reason, is over. It's time to move on. We've done what we needed to do, and it's time to move on. Thank you everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted June 27, 2004 Share Posted June 27, 2004 Originally posted by therresa kennedy Hello Smothem, I think there is a lot of really good advise here, but first and foremost you need to maintain that ever important connection with your husband. Don't over react, no matter how this may be upsetting you. Men don't like to be pressured, and when you know he loves you and is on YOUR side, don't push him. That said, also remember MEN hate to be pursued by aggressive and from what you say, BIG women. Trust me, they hate it. This woman is going to end up making him absolutely HATE her, and even if he is polite to her he will loathe being around her. But of the advise I have seen, it is Spock and especially Dazed and confused's story that make the most sense to me. This is a human resources issue, it needs to be handled quick, before this horrible woman trys to turn the tables and accuse your husband of wrong doing. This needs to be dealt with, and pronto. Dazed and confused story is absolutely classic, and I have heard others exactly like it. It could become a very bad situation real quick if he does not take this to the proper people. Like Dazed said, women are usually the winners in these cases, but in his case, due to his good note taking and strategic meeting place, he was able to prove his case, but like he says, this isn't usually the way it goes. Good luck to you and try not to obsess, that could be your potentially worst mistake. Stay calm and go to the right people in HR. It sounds like she is a real pig, compared to YOU, and that you are selling yourself short. I don't know many men who like to be hounded by big six foot women, in the long run they usually end up hating the woman doing the hounding. Good luck to youl. Therresa, I'm 5'9. I find that most men are receptive to my "BIG" camel-like advances. In fact, I can't keep the little ones away. Shoo!! Shoo!! Let's focus in on how this guy needs to protect himself because she's a co worker. I think keeping the friendship ties are wrong, but that's IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted June 28, 2004 Share Posted June 28, 2004 Well, glad to see things are working out for you both. He definately needs to CYA though, especially since he's working at a university. It could easily come back to bite him if she ends up out for revenge for being "wronged" and the stereotype is that the man was the one harassing and not the woman as pointed out by Dazed's amusing story. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smothem1 Posted June 28, 2004 Author Share Posted June 28, 2004 Just a quick update. We've not had much sleep around here the last week. Up talking to each other and trying to make choices that are best for us. It's been painful for us both. I know now that he didn't exactly want to continue the friendship in the way that I was thinking. I thought he meant he wanted everything to go back to normal, but that's not what he wanted at all. (See, this is where I'm glad that we talk!) He was more worried about his work life and how to keep that from being more uncomfortable than it already was. We decided that there really was no way to make that happen. Regardless of comfort or discomfort, sometimes you have to just do what is right and deal with the fallout. So, with that said, and a lot of tears, fear and emotions, we decided the best thing for us is not going to be the most comfortable for work. He's telling her tomorrow (Monday, which is really today) that he didn't want to be friends with her. He would work with her, and be polite like he is to everyone else, but there would be no friendship. As soon as his boss gets back from vacation, we'll be meeting with her and letting her know what's going on. We're anticipating some very ugly things to come, but I think we're prepared to handle them together. I hate seeing him hurting over this. He's afraid he'll lose his job once he tells his boss because that's kind of how things work here. They get rid of both people and try to keep it quiet as not to ruin their 'good reputaiton' The fact that other people have been fired for simliar things doesn't make this any easier. We've decided, though, if that happens, then it was meant to be and there will be something good come out of it. Afterall, while this situation is bad bad bad -- A lot of good has come of it, too. He and I are closer than ever. We've focused on our relationship, which has gotten lost in the kids and hustle of everyday life. So, I can at least take something positive from what has been a long, hurtful situation. I don't think the hurt is over for either of us. We both feel betrayed by this, but at least we know that we'll make it because we're doing it together. Feeling good about the outcome and glad we took the right path, even if it wasn't the easiest one. edited because I said he told her, but meant to say he is telling her...no sleep. My brain isn't functioning. Link to post Share on other sites
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