Stoneman70 Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 In thinking about my situation with S....I've come to understand a few thongs from my previous posts and the helpful advice of others on here. I'm a conflict avoider. I avoid it all the time. If I see a situation to be painful, I avoid it. I am a very private person and always pretend I'm feeling positive. In my affair with S, I never wanted to see het sad, but I avoided all unpleasant things. I would avoid deep discussions about our feelings when she wanted to have them because I was afraid I would break down and seem crazy. I was very open with her, but it was at my own choosing. The reason I ran away was because the pain of saying goodbye and realizing what had to be done was too much for me to bear. Like I said, I wanted to see her happy before I left, not sad....I now realize fully my problem ive had my whole life...I meed to work on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 Fair enough...so what are you going to do with this new found information? How does that change what you're going to do next in your own situation, both with the affair and with your marriage? If you know that avoiding the problem and avoiding conflict are your issues...what are you going to do to break that habit and actually ADDRESS the problems you're dealing with, and the conflict that needs to happen (telling your wife about what's gone on so you can begin working on your marriage)? Information is great, but useless if not applied to actions to change the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 In thinking about my situation with S....I've come to understand a few thongs from my previous posts and the helpful advice of others on here. I'm a conflict avoider. I avoid it all the time. If I see a situation to be painful, I avoid it. I am a very private person and always pretend I'm feeling positive. In my affair with S, I never wanted to see het sad, but I avoided all unpleasant things. I would avoid deep discussions about our feelings when she wanted to have them because I was afraid I would break down and seem crazy. I was very open with her, but it was at my own choosing. The reason I ran away was because the pain of saying goodbye and realizing what had to be done was too much for me to bear. Like I said, I wanted to see her happy before I left, not sad....I now realize fully my problem ive had my whole life...I meed to work on this. Good for you for recognizing that you need to work on this. I've read that many WS are conflict avoiders, rather than solve conflict in their M, they choose to have an A (as if that didn't lead to more conflict ) Often MM/MW who chose to have a secret A are lacking in some relationship skills, so it is great to recognize any weaknesses or lacking skills in yourself and work on these. Whether you stay married or divorce, what you learn and the skills you acquire will be useful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 In thinking about my situation with S....I've come to understand a few thongs from my previous posts and the helpful advice of others on here. I'm a conflict avoider. I avoid it all the time. If I see a situation to be painful, I avoid it. I am a very private person and always pretend I'm feeling positive. In my affair with S, I never wanted to see het sad, but I avoided all unpleasant things. I would avoid deep discussions about our feelings when she wanted to have them because I was afraid I would break down and seem crazy. I was very open with her, but it was at my own choosing. The reason I ran away was because the pain of saying goodbye and realizing what had to be done was too much for me to bear. Like I said, I wanted to see her happy before I left, not sad....I now realize fully my problem ive had my whole life...I meed to work on this. (((((((((hugs)))))))))) S70, My advice would be to go back and figure out how you got here, meaning conflict avoider and why unpleasantries are so hard to deal with. Something may have happened to you to cause these reactions. IMO you have been severely traumatised by something to cause these types of reactions...hang in there dude, you're getting there. And if I might suggest, give yourself a chance to understand the most recent knowledge before pressing forward. Let this sink in first...also taking a break from really harsh things can give a new perspective. Sometimes if we take on too much too soon it can through us back into bad decision making. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stoneman70 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Share Posted May 16, 2012 Yes, I need to examine everything. I'm just glad i understand more about why I made the decisions I did. Thanks for your advice everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
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