Not over his deceased wife?

[climbergirl]

This is just weird. He gave me a stuffed animal about two years ago and told me that a friend of his wives bought to commerate his car.

 

2 years later. That stuffed animal is always displayed. I pack it away because it gives me a creepy feeling. It says 'I love you'. Last night I asked him where he got it...and mind you, I remember what he told me. Now he says that some guy gave it to him. A stuffed animal that says I love you from a guy? When I said that was weird, he got PISSED. He said he didn't read anything into it.

 

His common law wife died in 1998. If I'm being paranoid, so be it. But got an icky feeling.

[darkmoon]

getting pissed is a sign of guilt but he might getting over his wife nearly done with feeling bereaved...throw the stuffed animal away just dump this ghostly link for your sake, i would find it hard to take too, if he treasures the animal and looks upset then you have a problem, but he might even be pissed because you are talking in a pissed way to him, who knows? xx

Edited May 15, 2012 by darkmoon

[climbergirl]

getting pissed is a sign of guilt but he might getting over his wife nearly done with feeling bereaved...throw the stuffed animal away just dump this ghostly link for your sake, i would find it hard to take too, if he treasures the animal and looks upset then you have a problem, but he might even be pissed because you are talking in a pissed way to him, who knows? xx

 

But, darkmoon, she's been gone 14 years!

 

I can't throw it away. It just feels disrespectful...especially to her.

 

Truth is...i suspected this was from her. When we first me he gave it to me under the premise that his friend's wife gave it to him because of some car. Now it's changed...the story, that is. I didn't want to believe, but now do, that it was from her. It still feels creepy looking down on us in the bedroom.

 

I've put it away and he just puts it back.

[RiverRunning]

Oh Good Lord Dead Wife's stuffed animal is not only prominently displayed, but even in the BEDROOM?

 

I'd lay it out that you're concerned he's still grieving. See what he says - does he react very defensively (of course, that means being as calm as possible yourself to avoid influencing him)? I'd lay out that you think he needs to be seeing a grief counselor.

 

You're right that after 14 years, this is a fo srs case of complicated grief. He needs to be moving on - always remembering his wife, sure, keeping photos of her - but giving you a stuffed animal that was once hers and lying to you about its origin, and constantly displaying it against your wishes, is just plain weird, in my opinion.

 

I'd say that if he isn't willing to do anything about this, you may need to start seeing somebody who can better clarify your options for you.

[darkmoon]

it would ne nice if he accepted that it belongs in the attic, it's a bit much on display, i had a boyf who visited his ex's grave each year on her birthday i saw it in his diary (it was open on the kitchen table) at first i was shocked, i knew his ex, and my boyf and i were happy together generally and one time we both sensed his ex giving us her approval from the grave - do you both hang out happliy apart from this animal? if it's eating you up, you and he need to find a way of both being happy, and that can't be by getting pissed sort of thing

[climbergirl]

Oh Good Lord Dead Wife's stuffed animal is not only prominently displayed, but even in the BEDROOM?

 

I'd lay it out that you're concerned he's still grieving. See what he says - does he react very defensively (of course, that means being as calm as possible yourself to avoid influencing him)? I'd lay out that you think he needs to be seeing a grief counselor.

 

You're right that after 14 years, this is a fo srs case of complicated grief. He needs to be moving on - always remembering his wife, sure, keeping photos of her - but giving you a stuffed animal that was once hers and lying to you about its origin, and constantly displaying it against your wishes, is just plain weird, in my opinion.

 

I'd say that if he isn't willing to do anything about this, you may need to start seeing somebody who can better clarify your options for you.

 

I get that you may being sarcastic, but there is more to it than this. When we first moved in together he had all her photos in our bedroom. I protested. I said he could have them anywhere but our bedroom.

 

I have asked him to see a couselor. He feels guilty. She was a diabetic and he was with his friends when she died.

[climbergirl]

it would ne nice if he accepted that it belongs in the attic, it's a bit much on display, i had a boyf who visited his ex's grave each year on her birthday i saw it in his diary (it was open on the kitchen table) at first i was shocked, i knew his ex, and my boyf and i were happy together generally and one time we both sensed his ex giving us her approval from the grave - do you both hang out happliy apart from this animal? if it's eating you up, you and he need to find a way of both being happy, and that can't be by getting pissed sort of thing

 

 

I like her...I don't know her but she seems like a great person. I encouraged him to go visit her grave on the day she passed away. I know he misses her. I certainly don't begrudge him of that.

 

He had a diary too. In the bedroom. It was marked, "alaska trip". It was there on the dresser for a few months before I even saw it. It said that he never would love anyone but her, and he wanted to die just to be with her. Granted, this was before we met, but still hurts.

[darkmoon]

see, i knew my ex really liked me; you are not sure of this in your life with him - you didn't answer to say if you and he hang out happily apart from this - do you?

Edited May 15, 2012 by darkmoon

[climbergirl]

see, i knew my ex really liked me; you are not sure of this in your life with him - you didn't answer to say if you and he hang out happily apart from this - do you?

 

 

 

Sorry...getting dinner ready. Yes, we used to. Our work schedules have been getting in the way lately. His 40+ hours and my 12 hour shifts don't help.

 

And I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I can't really equate an ex with a spouse who has passed on. From what he has said in the past...he has been very emotional, he feels guilty that he was with his friends when she died. But thought he (as he said) needed to vent as he was never able to.

 

These recent things have spooked me. My ex's are alive and i know why they didn't work. Now I'm feeling he's living with regrets. The pics and stuff make me feel that I'm some sort of consulation prize. BTW-they were together for 11 years.

[climbergirl]

Sorry...getting dinner ready. Yes, we used to. Our work schedules have been getting in the way lately. His 40+ hours and my 12 hour shifts don't help.

 

And I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I can't really equate an ex with a spouse who has passed on. From what he has said in the past...he has been very emotional, he feels guilty that he was with his friends when she died. But thought he (as he said) needed to vent as he was never able to.

 

These recent things have spooked me. My ex's are alive and i know why they didn't work. Now I'm feeling he's living with regrets. The pics and stuff make me feel that I'm some sort of consulation prize. BTW-they were together for 11 years.

 

 

I'm sorry darkmoon...noted that your situation is not different than mine. Sorry about the 'ex' comment.

[Ani]

Poor guy must have really loved her. I know from seeing my dad who lost my mom from cancer its difficult to move on after spending so many years with that person. He lives with a wonderful lady now but he has told me that once he said my moms name while being intimate and of course it got my step mom upset. Anyway back to your topic.

 

Please don't throw away the stuff animal though. Just sit down with him and calmy, politely ask him if the stuff animal was from her. If he says yes don't judge him. Let him vent. Listen to him and then explain to him why the stuff animal can't be in the bedroom. It can be anywhere else except there or wherever you both agree is an acceptable place.

 

I would hate to be in a situation like him and my dad. My dad has told me that he feels lost at time. He loves my step mom but feels guilty for doing so.

 

Why not take him to therapy? My dad is hesitant to do it but it's something my sister's and I both feel is needed.

[darkmoon]

Sorry...getting dinner ready. Yes, we used to. Our work schedules have been getting in the way lately. His 40+ hours and my 12 hour shifts don't help.

 

And I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I can't really equate an ex with a spouse who has passed on. From what he has said in the past...he has been very emotional, he feels guilty that he was with his friends when she died. But thought he (as he said) needed to vent as he was never able to.

 

These recent things have spooked me. My ex's are alive and i know why they didn't work. Now I'm feeling he's living with regrets. The pics and stuff make me feel that I'm some sort of consulation prize. BTW-they were together for 11 years.

 

what would happen if you asked " am not happy with the memento of your past, sorry, but that is the truth, so can you please do something to make me happy?" just say that not pissed just straight, cuz my impression is that this would cross a boundary in that you are only allowed to sort of complain and then he sort of wins - just say it once, then zip, and let him answer, change the ground rules (ground rules currently are just you complain but then he wins) they do not work for you, he might clutch your hand and say sorry, dunno, he has got to accept the wife's passing sooner or later and make you happy, just come out and ask it, to make you happy -imho it is time...

Edited May 15, 2012 by darkmoon

[climbergirl]

Poor guy must have really loved her. I know from seeing my dad who lost my mom from cancer its difficult to move on after spending so many years with that person. He lives with a wonderful lady now but he has told me that once he said my moms name while being intimate and of course it got my step mom upset. Anyway back to your topic.

 

Please don't throw away the stuff animal though. Just sit down with him and calmy, politely ask him if the stuff animal was from her. If he says yes don't judge him. Let him vent. Listen to him and then explain to him why the stuff animal can't be in the bedroom. It can be anywhere else except there or wherever you both agree is an acceptable place.

 

I would hate to be in a situation like him and my dad. My dad has told me that he feels lost at time. He loves my step mom but feels guilty for doing so.

 

Why not take him to therapy? My dad is hesitant to do it but it's something my sister's and I both feel is needed.

 

You know what I was so mad at you about your post. It's not about this stupid stuffed animal. It's about that, and many more things. We are already married.

 

'I would hate to be in a situation like him and my dad. My dad has told me that he feels lost at time. He loves my step mom but feels guilty for doing so.

 

Now I feel bad. But I hate this situation. too.

[g450]

Im going to play devils advocate.

 

He loved his wife. Pain from her death is going to be around for a very long time and probably never go away. So he has a hard time letting little things go like the stuffed animal. So what! Just put it into another room.

 

She is gone forever but he loves you. Just be thankful that you are not in a situation like you find here all the time where the EX is interfering with your marriage. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat because I know what its like to have to deal with the games that an EX can play if he or she thinks it will destroy your relationship. Be glad that you dont have to deal with that.

 

As long as he loves you and meets your needs and is faithful to you, I dont see the big issue here. Let me put it this way, there is a reason that widows and widowers are in strong demand in ODS vs divorced or separated dates. Can you take a guess as to why that is?

 

I think the issue is more with you than with him. He will eventually move on with time. I think confronting him about the stuffed toy will only backfire on you as it will hurt him and make him resentful.

 

As much as we would like to erase peoples history we cant. Trust me on this, I actually do know how you feel. Been there myself and occasionally get revisitation of my Fiancees past from time to time. In my case we both still keep photos of our exes. We agreed to that.

 

I would like to know how you plan on handling this and how it goes FWIW.

Edited May 16, 2012 by g450

[climbergirl]

Im going to play devils advocate.

 

He loved his wife. Pain from her death is going to be around for a very long time and probably never go away. So he has a hard time letting little things go like the stuffed animal. So what! Just put it into another room.

 

She is gone forever but he loves you. Just be thankful that you are not in a situation like you find here all the time where the EX is interfering with your marriage. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat because I know what its like to have to deal with the games that an EX can play if he or she thinks it will destroy your relationship. Be glad that you dont have to deal with that.

 

As long as he loves you and meets your needs and is faithful to you, I dont see the big issue here. Let me put it this way, there is a reason that widows and widowers are in strong demand in ODS vs divorced or separated dates. Can you take a guess as to why that is?

 

I think the issue is more with you than with him. He will eventually move on with time. I think confronting him about the stuffed toy will only backfire on you as it will hurt him and make him resentful.

 

As much as we would like to erase peoples history we cant. Trust me on this, I actually do know how you feel. Been there myself and occasionally get revisitation of my Fiancees past from time to time. In my case we both still keep photos of our exes. We agreed to that.

 

I would like to know how you plan on handling this and how it goes FWIW.

 

 

I really want to thank you all. Honestly, I can't say I feel better, but it nice to have empathetic ears.

 

The thing is, he won't admit that it was from her. He tells me that it's from some guy he knows (and it says 'I love you'???)...a completely different story than what he told me when he gave it to me 2 years ago.

 

I have pics from my ex, he has pics from his ex...just not in the bedroom, please.

 

I'm really not sure what to do.

 

 

*and I certainly know that some of the issue is with me, but how do you deal with one who is still grieving after 14 years?*

Edited May 16, 2012 by climbergirl

[g450]

Give it some time before do something. Think it through first.

 

When my Fiancee moved in with me she cleaned out my entire house. There were things in the house that she simply threw away. They where things that belonged to me, my XW and some my Son. Some things I didnt even realize I owned. You will be amazed at what one accumulates over 20 years. I had to make quick decisions as to what to do with them and it felt a bit like pressure was being put on me. If something belonged to my XW once, my Fiancee would insist I get rid of it even though legally it belonged to me now and it was a useful item. Simple things like kitchen utensils and appliances etc.

 

For me that was hard. Especially my Sons stuff. I lived in that house for over 20 years and every little thing has memories. And they were good memories at least for me.

 

I can honestly say I was done with my XW but it was still hard to get rid of some things. It reminded me of what my XW did, she tried to erase our past as if it didnt happen. She tried to erase the fact that we were ever married to each other. So in a way it was really hard for me to throw all those things away. I felt like everyone was pressuring me to forget my past life. I am only telling you this so you can understand how he may feel.

 

It doesnt mean he doesnt love you. He has a new life with you and you will both make new memories. All Im asking is that you give the poor guy a break and try to put yourself in his shoes.

[RiverRunning]

g450, a fiancee coming in and cleaning house of KITCHEN UTENSILS is just completely batty. Asking you to put away (or even in some cases get rid of) pictures, stuffed animals, etc.? Completely different story. If I were dating a guy who had been married, or who had kids with someone, I wouldn't expect him to trash photos of her or anything else of the like, but I would certain hope he would respect me enough not to put them in the bedroom or prominently display them in the living room. That's just accepting that you've married someone who was once married/has kids (if they didn't have kids, IMO, they shouldn't be displayed. Keep your wedding photos and all, but don't display them).

 

There is a difference between items that are sentimental and items that are not sentimental. This stuffed animal is one example of a sentimental item.

 

OP, I don't really know what else to advise you. You've talked to him about it and he's standing his ground. No, it's unrealistic to expect he will forget her and never think about her and never, from time-to-time wonder about her or feel guilty about her death. But it's also unrealistic to think that this level of grieving - where he's changing stories about items, refusing to put away a stuffed animal from his bedroom when it's obvious it bothers you - is normal.

 

An ex need not be at your door saying she's sleeping with your husband to cause distress. An ex played a role in dissolving my last relationship simply because he wasn't over her.

 

And I think that's partly what may be so upsetting here - you realize his ex sounded like a nice lady and they were together for a long time. But after fourteen years, and the fact you've been together long enough to be married, you're wondering what your place is in this relationship and what you have the right to do and not do in regard to his late ex.

 

I couldn't get aroused if a partner's dead ex's sentimental belongings were in the corner, always on my mind.

 

I was being a little playful in my first post - not because I think there's something wrong with you, OP, but because this is such an unusual relationship issue.

 

He won't admit to the fact that it belonged to her, or that he gave it to her, whatever. It would be different if he could admit that yes, it was hers. Without that admission, there really isn't much for you to do: choose to tolerate it? Get into therapy to get more tips on how to tolerate it? Leave?

 

I believe you when you say, 'it's not the stuffed animal.' It's the principle behind it, I'd imagine? The fact that in your own marriage, in your own marital bed, there are constant reminders of his former lover?

 

I believe to some extent, stories about the ex-wife, etc., will be an inherent part of the next relationship, and a perpetual part of the healing process. But that can't involve constant displays of items that once belonged to that ex. Sure, you can have conversations about it, reflect on the good times, etc. But this is complicated grief - for real.

 

Look up complicated grief. It's associated with post-traumatic stress disorder. Thank you for mentioning that she died of diabetes while he was away with friends - that's exactly the type of death (you mention his guilt about that) that might trigger long-term complicated grief. He needs to be working through that.

 

But again, there's not much that you can do if he won't admit to this. I would consider printing off information about complicated grief and, on a good day for the two of you, showing the information to him. He may get angry or he may read it and agree. And then together, maybe you both can see a counselor or therapist who can start helping him with this.

 

For what it's worth, I don't think you need any work, OP. Reading his diary is sketchy - but it's fairly understandable given the stresses in your relationship that you found yourself feeling a little snoopy. Always try to remember that his words were before you, and we've all said, "I'll never love someone like that again" - until we meet someone we love.

 

Love isn't as rare or as unlikely a thing as we like to believe. We all have the capacity to find love many times over in our lives. He has found it again with you, but he needs some help in closing down the guilt he feels over his ex-wife.

[stse586]

My husband lost his first wife very unexpectedly when they were only married for 2 years or so. We started dating a little over a year after her death. At first, he had a lot of her things in the house, and it was kind of wierd for me. We've been together for 5 1/2 years and married for 3 years now. There came a point where I would gently encourage him to put things in a special place. He got a trunk just for her things and there are a few pictures of her still in the house. It was difficult for him to put things away because he felt some finality in it.

 

It is a bit strange that he won't admit it came from her since it most likely did. Try to find a good spot that can be it's new home. Maybe on a spare bedroom's bed with another stuffed bear.

[whichwayisup]

But, darkmoon, she's been gone 14 years!

 

I can't throw it away. It just feels disrespectful...especially to her.

 

Truth is...i suspected this was from her. When we first me he gave it to me under the premise that his friend's wife gave it to him because of some car. Now it's changed...the story, that is. I didn't want to believe, but now do, that it was from her. It still feels creepy looking down on us in the bedroom.

 

I've put it away and he just puts it back.

 

Instead of being icked by it, embrace it. She was an important part of his life and he's always going to love her..And, he's always going to have times and moments when he grieves about her. That has nothing to do with you though and the love he has with you, what you two share. Be thankful she was in his life as she helped him be the man you fell for. Try not to feel hurt or feel threatened by this.

[g450]

Instead of being icked by it, embrace it. She was an important part of his life and he's always going to love her..And, he's always going to have times and moments when he grieves about her. That has nothing to do with you though and the love he has with you, what you two share. Be thankful she was in his life as she helped him be the man you fell for. Try not to feel hurt or feel threatened by this.

 

whichwayisup,

 

That was the most beautiful posting I have ever read here on LS. It actually brought a tear to my eye. Guess Im becoming a softie in my old age.

Could not have said it better. You are spot on and this is what the OP really needs and you said it better than anyone.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much for the compliment!

 

It's the only (healthy) way to approach a situation like this.

[piggyoink]

Instead of being icked by it, embrace it. She was an important part of his life and he's always going to love her..And, he's always going to have times and moments when he grieves about her. That has nothing to do with you though and the love he has with you, what you two share. Be thankful she was in his life as she helped him be the man you fell for. Try not to feel hurt or feel threatened by this.

 

very touching.

[wwtd]

If he claims that it is from some "guy" then it shouldnt bother him if you got rid of it or "pretended to get rid of it". you could even offer to give it to some little kid or something. Maybe replace it with something else, something more fitting for the bedroom.

 

If it upsets him and mostly likely it will then it will be obvious that some guy didnt give it to him. He cant really say that you should keep it since its a gift from him because he has already admited to not being the one who bought it for you.

 

Then you can ask why is he so upset about some toy and maybe you can get the truth out of him.

 

good luck!

[spookie]

I am bawling reading this thread.

[piggyoink]

whichwayisup,

 

That was the most beautiful posting I have ever read here on LS. It actually brought a tear to my eye. Guess Im becoming a softie in my old age.

Could not have said it better. You are spot on and this is what the OP really needs and you said it better than anyone.

 

If this was craigslist, that comment should be nominated for the 'best of craigslist section' (yes there is such a section for people to nominate great posts)