Not over his deceased wife?

[RiverRunning]

I completely disagree with the others who think this is normal and that you should just accept it. So far, it seems like these are isolated, small incidents.

 

But his attachment to a stuffed animal is, I think, very troubling - and it doesn't bode well for other surprise 'gifts' he may have for you.

 

Yes, you do have to accept she was part of his life. For the rest of your life, OP, you will hear stories about hear, help him with his grief related to her, etc. But that doesn't mean displaying a stuffed animal that belonged to her, and getting angry with you if it's disturbed. Pictures, in certain places of your home? I can see that.

 

There's a fine line between 'normal' grieving after 14 years and 'abnormal' greeting. What he's doing now is what I'd expect of someone who lost a partner within the last few years. I do think it would be wise for him to see someone - or at the very least, OP, for you to see a professional to get an opinion on his behavior. Maybe, if nothing else, hear from the pros how you can cope with his behavior.

[climbergirl]

I really appreciate all the input. I looked up complicated grief, and it really does fit him. I hesitate to show him, though.

 

Since we have been married, I have found my husband to be a very troubled man. When we first met he did cry about his ex, but he told me he had kept it all inside for 12 years and it manifested itself into breaking down with me. I understood. He is a rather emotional person to begin with. However, he still had her picture in his wallet and still wore the rings he had with her, one of which said, "* &* forever". Of course that upset me and he took them out and off. He said the rings were no big deal and he was just too lazy to take them off.

 

About two weeks after we got married, he lost his job of 23 years. He has a problem controlling his anger, and for this he got fired. That day he left a note saying, "I got fired. I'm sorry. I'm gone". I wasn't sure what that meant, until the next day when I noticed his bottle of sleeping pills were gone and I called the police. He did come home, the police came but told me after talking to him that they were at a 'stalemate' and couldn't do anything. This happened more times than I even care to share. And yes, I and his family took every step we could think of to help him. Sometimes he would be gone a few days and sometimes a week where I did not know where he was or if he was alive. It devastated me.

 

That's why, when I looked at his alaska journal (and just to clear it up, it had been sitting out in the bedroom for a couple of months before I looked at it and it was marked "Alaska Trip"-I didn't think of it as a diary) and saw what he had written in the end, I was very upset. Was I going through all this and caring about a man who wanted to die because his wife had passed?

 

Things have been rough ever since. He doesn't 'take off' anymore, but this is always hanging over our heads. It doesn't help when I come home from work and I asked why he is crying. He gave me a bunch of excuses, but finally admitted that he was listening to music. When I looked at my computer and song titles, it's obvious who he was thinking about.

 

Because of this, we haven't been happy. I mentioned this to him a few weeks ago and stated that we deserve to be happy and be with someone who makes us happy. His response? "Mine is gone."

 

He's got an excuse for everything. The response above is not about her, but all the people he's lost. The music is just songs he likes. He will admit to nothing.

 

I know I can't change how he feels, but I truly don't know what to do anymore.

[zengirl]

He sounds so unhappy in general. I don't know what you can do.

 

I lost my HS sweetheart 3 weeks before our wedding day, when I was in college. I wasn't ready to even think of anything near marriage for years and years, not even thinking of it till right before I met my husband. I still have old mementos, including my engagement ring. It's the only diamond I like; I came to hate diamonds as I grew up. I still think of my ex and visit his grave once a year, travelling fairly far to do so, and going alone. I think it must be hard to love someone who loves a ghost, even a little bit, so I always wondered if I'd ever really get married. I did, and I'm nowhere near your husband --- in that I love my life and am very happy and I love my husband, and I don't think I give him cause to doubt it or feel the ghost could ever overtake him. But I still love my ghost. That's the thing when someone dies, the love doesn't burn away like it does if you divorce or break up or whatever --- it just ends, abruptly, and it's kind of stuck forever. That's my experience at least.

 

I think the greater problem with your husband is he's not found a way to be happy in living at all. I'm sure he loves you and wouldn't marry you otherwise. Loving you and loving her sounds complex, but certainly, it's possible to do. And competing with a ghost would be exhausting, surely, but I think his pessimism and depression in general are chipping away and making you doubt even more. Nothing you can do about that, until he helps himself, except support him.

[climbergirl]

Thank you all, especially RR and ZG for writing about your experiences. I do appreciate it. Although it makes me so sad, you write beautifully.

 

I feel duped. I don't want to be a consolation prize, or wife by default. I have loved before, but I can only sympathize with someone who lost a loved one suddenly. I can only imagine.

 

But I have to believe that I deserve one who is focused on me...on the present. Not one who needs to integrate his past into our marriage.

 

I'm just so sad and feel that there is nothing I can do anymore. I have supported him, but it's difficult to support someones love for someone else.

[whichwayisup]

Has he seeked counselling, especially grief counselling for this?

 

I didn't realize how serious this was when I posted earlier, your opening post didn't describe what else was going on.

 

You shouldn't be second fiddle to his deceased wife. Her memory is all around and the more I read what you wrote, I see that he isn't handling this well nor coping with what's right in front of him.

 

I hope he gets help, and I hope you two are able to work through this. You love him and he needs to see the prize right under his nose!

[2sunny]

I'd suggest him to get counseling - preferably a trauma counselor - to help him live in TODAY - instead of ruining today by living in his past.

 

If he won't - don't expect it to get better or different.

 

Him taking off for several days without letting you know is not ok! Does he drink/ do any drugs?

 

The counselor should address his anger too - anger is fear based. He's not healthy.

 

You deserve more than a man who is this broken. It may be best for YOU to step away for a while until he does this difficult emotional work on himself - IF he agrees to do it. It's painful to watch it... You may not want to stand there watching.

[zengirl]

But I have to believe that I deserve one who is focused on me...on the present. Not one who needs to integrate his past into our marriage.

 

Yes, you do. I don't think that means he has to toss out all memories and never honor her, etc, etc, but his main focus SHOULD be on the present.

[climbergirl]

Has he seeked counselling, especially grief counselling for this?

 

I didn't realize how serious this was when I posted earlier, your opening post didn't describe what else was going on.

 

You shouldn't be second fiddle to his deceased wife. Her memory is all around and the more I read what you wrote, I see that he isn't handling this well nor coping with what's right in front of him.

 

I hope he gets help, and I hope you two are able to work through this. You love him and he needs to see the prize right under his nose!

 

 

Oh I know, WWIU, I have been on this forum for awhile and do have problems asking for help. But here I am.

 

In the beginning, and after he lost his job, my intent was to get him help for his depression. An immediate response to his immediate problem. A couple of psychiatrist appt. and a trip to the hospital. The first two times they perscribed antidepressents. The last one was Remeron. No, he doesn't do drugs, or drink (except for occasional beer). However this made him less amenable to taking anything. He can't sleep since I've met him and his anger is way out of bounds. After he got fired, he brought home his employee file, and his first words were, "don't judge me on this". Scared the crap out of me...30 pages long!

 

I made a commitment, but this stress is making me someone I am not. I am so sad.

 

Ironically, after I wrote this yesterday he wrote this.

 

Honey, I am sick to my stomach. I have no energy or will to do anything anymore. I just want to lay down and die. I am absolutely so sick of all the bull**** in this world. Everyone here is pissed with * and the lack of being paid and no direction for the company, if you can call it a company. It was a mistake for me to even think this could be a decent place to work or that it would go anywhere. Sorry for the rant, just want to be dead already.

[Crusoe]

My wife died over 20 years ago. Suicide. She once gave me a St Christopher, just a cheap piece of tat with an engraving and I wore it everywhere, it never came off, not for any reason. When I met my ex I took it off, she didn't have to ask, it just didn't seem right, so I put it in my safe and left it there. I split with my ex about a decade ago and have still never taken it out the safe. Sixteen years since I last saw it, there's no need.

 

I wasn't over my wife when with my ex, I'm still not, you never are. I still often think of her. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't gone out that night. Sometimes I still miss her. Sometimes I think of the paths I walked after she died, and the reasons why. Sometimes I wake up dreaming of her and then take a quiet day for myself. I never once mentioned anything to my ex, though. No good would have come from it.

 

She will always be part of your husband and some of his thoughts are not things he can talk to you about, you have to allow him that. For his part, he has to get that stuffed animal out of sight, the past is gone, it no longer exists, just tricks of the mind. He can remember without a reminder and he'll remember too much with one. He's with you now, it's not fair on you and it's disrespectful to you. He can't expect understanding from you if he shows you none in return.

[climbergirl]

My wife died over 20 years ago. Suicide. She once gave me a St Christopher, just a cheap piece of tat with an engraving and I wore it everywhere, it never came off, not for any reason. When I met my ex I took it off, she didn't have to ask, it just didn't seem right, so I put it in my safe and left it there. I split with my ex about a decade ago and have still never taken it out the safe. Sixteen years since I last saw it, there's no need.

 

I wasn't over my wife when with my ex, I'm still not, you never are. I still often think of her. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't gone out that night. Sometimes I still miss her. Sometimes I think of the paths I walked after she died, and the reasons why. Sometimes I wake up dreaming of her and then take a quiet day for myself. I never once mentioned anything to my ex, though. No good would have come from it.

 

She will always be part of your husband and some of his thoughts are not things he can talk to you about, you have to allow him that. For his part, he has to get that stuffed animal out of sight, the past is gone, it no longer exists, just tricks of the mind. He can remember without a reminder and he'll remember too much with one. He's with you now, it's not fair on you and it's disrespectful to you. He can't expect understanding from you if he shows you none in return.

 

 

I only bold that part because I'm so sorry. I feel that my husband feels the same as you...it was the night that they usually spent together and he says his friend talked him into racing. He came home to seeing them carrying her out. I don't know what to say. He feels like she didn't take her shot because she was unhappy with him always being gone.

 

My feelings, right or wrong, he feels guilty.

 

The thing is, I can't fix this. What you say is correct, but, it is killing me.

 

I don't know. I think, perhaps, we need to be apart to get things into perspective.

[whichwayisup]

Oh I know, WWIU, I have been on this forum for awhile and do have problems asking for help. But here I am.

I'm with ya on that.. It's rare I post about my stuff, like you, I have problems asking for help too. My friends and family have to drag it out of me. My H just knows when something is up and can read me like a book.

 

In the beginning, and after he lost his job, my intent was to get him help for his depression. An immediate response to his immediate problem. A couple of psychiatrist appt. and a trip to the hospital. The first two times they perscribed antidepressents. The last one was Remeron. No, he doesn't do drugs, or drink (except for occasional beer). However this made him less amenable to taking anything. He can't sleep since I've met him and his anger is way out of bounds. After he got fired, he brought home his employee file, and his first words were, "don't judge me on this". Scared the crap out of me...30 pages long!

 

Sounds like he needs another trip the hospital. He's in a very dangerous frame of mind right now. Not kiddin about this.. I think you should talk to his family (parents?) and then get him help asap. He's almost given up, this is past a 'bad day'. He is in a place that anything could happen. Sorry I don't mean to freak you out but him saying that stuff just shows where his head is at.

[happyme]

Hi Climbergirl,

 

It's not about her but - as you say - about his guilt. You have nothing to worry about regarding his feelings for her, this is within him and about him. If you can resonate with that idea (which sounds like the truth to me) then you will be in a position to be of support to him, by very virtue of your loving strength.

 

This will be much appreciated by him and will help him focus on the present and deal with the past at the same time.

 

All the very best xx

[Crusoe]

I only bold that part because I'm so sorry. I feel that my husband feels the same as you...it was the night that they usually spent together and he says his friend talked him into racing. He came home to seeing them carrying her out. I don't know what to say. He feels like she didn't take her shot because she was unhappy with him always being gone.

 

My feelings, right or wrong, he feels guilty.

 

The thing is, I can't fix this. What you say is correct, but, it is killing me.

 

I don't know. I think, perhaps, we need to be apart to get things into perspective.

 

I wont hazard a guess at what he's feeling, only he knows that. Perspective is whats needed, though. Sometimes we're to close, sometimes to far away. You can't help him alone and he isn't helping himself....

[climbergirl]

I'd suggest him to get counseling - preferably a trauma counselor - to help him live in TODAY - instead of ruining today by living in his past.

 

If he won't - don't expect it to get better or different.

 

Him taking off for several days without letting you know is not ok! Does he drink/ do any drugs?

 

The counselor should address his anger too - anger is fear based. He's not healthy.

 

You deserve more than a man who is this broken. It may be best for YOU to step away for a while until he does this difficult emotional work on himself - IF he agrees to do it. It's painful to watch it... You may not want to stand there watching.

 

Thank you 2Sunny. But it's really hard to help one who feels that there is nothing to help.

 

Me? yes, I am not the same person and feel I have aged 10 years. When I have an issue, I can't turn to him.

 

Honestly now, I am scared of him.

[climbergirl]

Hi Climbergirl,

 

It's not about her but - as you say - about his guilt. You have nothing to worry about regarding his feelings for her, this is within him and about him. If you can resonate with that idea (which sounds like the truth to me) then you will be in a position to be of support to him, by very virtue of your loving strength.

 

This will be much appreciated by him and will help him focus on the present and deal with the past at the same time.

 

All the very best xx

 

Thank you for the kind words. I will try anything but, after 14 years, I don't feel confident that anything i do will help him.

[happyme]

I understand. It must be hell for you. Well, if that doesn't have any positive effect or if you feel it's too far gone for you to want to try that then perhaps it's time to move on? Apologies in advance as I have not read the entire thread so I might have missed something, but what would your deepest wish be, and if you feel that you've tried everything would you consider focussing on your life alone? So sorry anyway... feel bad for him too. As others have said, he would be helped if he was only open to it, but if he refuses then that's his choice. xx

[darkmoon]

maybe it's not from the deceased wife, if we believe your husband and some would say i/we owe him this fair chance, perhaps he once had a gay love who gave it to him

[2sunny]

His issues are HIS.

 

You can either choose to live with his issues or you can choose to leave.

 

Leaving may inspire him to seek help. We can see from your evidence that leaving things the way they've been isn't likely to invoke any changes.

 

He may change - but not likely if you don't invoke some change...

 

Anyone - who CHOOSES to live in the past - isn't likely to ever be happy. Staying in the now is key.