Advice needed on how to deal with an agressive twin sister needed, please help!

[bradyolelady]

Hi Everyone I need some advice on what to do about dealing with a jealous and aggresive sister!

Over the past few years my twin sister has become intolerable to deal with. We dont live far apart (maybe a problem) however since our mother died, she has become very demanding of my time and constantly dictating what I should and shouldnt do with my life, more so to the point telling me that my friends, the boyfriends I keep are bad for me. In the past I have shrugged most of this off after going through shouting, crying, reading her letters after a row etc... however recently it has become a big problem. our personalities are very different, I have a more positive outlook on life and love people, very people orientated and outgoing, whereas she is very reserved/negative and has an unhappy outlook on life who also restricts herself to everything she does, i.e. never goes out on a work night type of thing....

 

Since the beginning of 2004 I have entered into a very happy relationship with a new man. Im 35 years old and since March me and my partner have been living together. Because I have other friends and this is a new relationship I do find it hard to share my time, but I would say I do this well. I consider seeing my sister once every 2 or 3 weeks to be normal and no that some siblings do not see each other that frequently anyway. Because I am one part of a couple now, my life has become much easier things like arranging holidays etc. I now know I can rely on my boyfriend to look after the flat the cat etc. where before I would ask either my father or sister to do this. Now I have the financial support to put my cat in cattery etc. whereby I no long need to bother family or friends.

 

As things have moved on I can sense that my sister is not happy with this and anticipates I will naturally spending time with my boyfriend more, i.e. Christmas and occasions in general will more so be devoted with my boyfriend. I have however, tried not to brag about my relationship to her, so as not to upset her as she is on her own and has been for a very long time. She has also not really dated in that time either. Over the past 5 years her aggressive nature has come to the fore whereby she over-exaggerates my mistakes and faults and is very tactless in front of my friends. She constantly nags me about the friends I keep also. Although some of my friends and I have had problems at the end of the day it is not her business and it is my decision who I should and shouldnt see.

 

To the point now, over the past week I was chatting with my boyfriend and it appeared we ended up talking about a mutual acquaintance. About 10 years ago my sister met a young chap and although she arranged to meet him nothing materialised. My boyfriend mentioned him in passing as he used to work with him a few years ago and I mentioned that my sister had a 'date' loose sense of the word, and it appeared that at that time of her meeting this guy was being threatened racially and had been horribly beaten up. A few weeks after this discussion with my boyfriend I happened to mention this to my sister and I could sense she acted strangely to it. The discussion I had went more or less on these lines, can you remember that guy you saw a long time ago, and at the time you didnt hear from him - he more or less went off the map, well the reason for this was he was beaten up... etc.. my boyfriend used to work with him etc and new about this so now we know why you never heard from him. I went on to say that at the time didn't we all (me, my sister and our friends) sort of slag him off somewhat at the time and doesn't it make you feel awful now, knowing what had happened to him. The conversation sort of went dead and I mentioned that evening to my boyfriend about my sister's strange reaction to it. She'd also stated that she was his girlfriend at the time and that he should have rang her and told her about his dilemma. I had pointed out when she mentioned this that dont you think at the time he had far more problems than a date with someone and that you weren't his girlfriend, it was merely a date of sorts.

 

Later that evening she rang up and I didn't get a chance to speak. She ranted on that I should never have mentioned her sex life to my boyfriend and that I was disgusting etc. Her tone and words were horrifying. I was so upset when she put the phone down I began to cry and my boyfriend came over and consoled me. The evening was horendous and I then decided that this was enough - I know in the past she would have slagged me off to her work mates which made me feel even worse. I asked my boyfriend to take me over to her house so I could pick up the set of spare keys she had for our flat and took her set of keys with me to give to her. I planned not to discuss her outburst just to say that I did not want anything more to do with her and to get my keys back. On getting there there was a big scene and I got my keys back. She did happen to mention again infront of my boyfriend that I shouldnt have mentioned her sex life (nothing of this so called sex life i knew to tell anyone anyway). When i pointed out to her that all i did was mention to her what had happened to the lad and that my boyfriend knew him how on earth could she come to the conclusion I had discused her private life with my boyfriend she did look puzzled for a short while but then went back to believing her own lie and starting shouting again. At this point my boyfriend and I left. The next evening she sent another of her long winded letters stating that my behaviour was appauling etc. I know I should have never read it but I did and yet again as in the past it upset me more.

 

I know I dont want to go through this again with her and definitely want to shut her out of my life for good. This isnt the first time she has given me grief over total fabricated stories and exagerations of my own behaviour. Wihtout going into other confronts with her I now strongly believe she has a problem with life. I also think she is getting worse and that is why i need to break away from her. In the past Ive always thought, well she's the only sister I have etc. etc. so I have always let her in my life out of pity for her as she's so lonely too. But now I worry that she might do much worse damage. In the past she has gone from being so over the top with her anger and the next time I have spoken to her she behaves as if nothing has happened and wonders why I cant deal with this and why I try to keep her away from her. I cannot deal with the swing in her personality, being sickly friendly to being a complete nervous angry person. i also don't want to jeapardise my relationship with my partner.

 

I am a very soft hearted person in nature and this has made me let her in to my life in the past. How do you suggest I stop her from coming in again?

I know I have to break away from her now, this is very much evident and is not an issue.

[msrealdoll]

I would write her a letter, suggesting counselling and medication. I would be as loving as possible, but firm. I would tell her in the letter that I couldn't have any contact with her until she addresses these issues.

 

It sounds like she has some pretty bad problems. I feel sorry for her, and I don't even know her. Just try too be there for her if she decides to try to change.