Does anyone else just NOT want sex...ever?

[Bellechica]

And as far as having time to connect, you're both busy, but YOU can also be the one to start rebuilding the connection. Text him throughout the day just to say "hi" and that you're thinking about him.

Try to see the positives and build from there, and let the house get messy sometimes.

Try exercising together. I exercise a lot to let off physical energy, but my H is joining me now like he used to. We enjoy that together.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I would have hard time being in a sexless M. My WW and were fairly regular throughout our 14 year M (we are about to separate) 1-3 times a month I think was normal. Sometimes we might skip a month, but usually not...on the other hand there were times when we'd do like 4 times in one week.

 

If it slowed, neither one of us would be happy. There was a period where I got tired of being rejected and started backing off (me unhappy). Eventually she came to me and complained...(her unhappy)..unfortunately she was already in the middle of an affair when she came to me =\ Thing was, even when she was in the affair we were having sex like 1-2 times a month. I know now that she says she prefers about 2x or more a month.

[woinlove]

Frootloop, withholding sex is cruel and can really make your H question your love for him. My H and I have mismatched libidos, and it was and still is a big issue. In our case I'm the one who wants more sex, actually more touching of any kind. My H isn't my brother, he suppose to be my lover too. I will admit to you that I strayed twice, not just for sex, but for intimacy.

You can say you're tired or that you feel pressured, I've heard that all before, but physical intimacy is a NEED for most healthy people.

The longer you go with out it, the more awkward it is to address. It's the elephant in the room.

I haven't been able to discuss everything I should with my H because I'm scared, and I don't want to hurt his ego and make our situation worse.

We are taking baby steps and we have sex once a week to sometimes once every three weeks. We have gone a year without being intimate with each other, but I was having an A. I don't say this to scare you, but it is a serious problem.

Has your H started drinking or doing anything to cope with the lack of intimacy?

 

I agree with the importance of sex, but what about all of frootloop's needs? Spouses also need to be treated with respect, to be treated fairly, to be able to talk openly and honestly to their spouse, to be shown affection outside of sex. This is a two-way problem and just having frootloop suppress her needs isn't going to work. Frankly, I would not have sex with anyone who treated me the way frootloop has described.

[xxoo]

I agree with the importance of sex, but what about all of frootloop's needs? Spouses also need to be treated with respect, to be treated fairly, to be able to talk openly and honestly to their spouse, to be shown affection outside of sex. This is a two-way problem and just having frootloop suppress her needs isn't going to work. Frankly, I would not have sex with anyone who treated me the way frootloop has described.

 

I agree with what you've said here, including the bolded.

 

But it is a vicious cycle, and someone needs to break the cycle. Someone needs to reach across and make the first gesture of goodwill.

 

Since Froot is the one posting here, it makes sense to encourage her to be that brave person. Making sex a priority first could make her H more receptive to hearing her needs next.

[woinlove]

I agree with what you've said here, including the bolded.

 

But it is a vicious cycle, and someone needs to break the cycle. Someone needs to reach across and make the first gesture of goodwill.

 

Since Froot is the one posting here, it makes sense to encourage her to be that brave person. Making sex a priority first could make her H more receptive to hearing her needs next.

 

Yes, that is good advice, in general. If she clearly communicated that she wanted things to change and made this effort, she could give herself some timeframe for seeing changes from her H too. But that fact that he cuts off communications seems like a big one to me, and maybe she won't even be able to tell him exactly why she is unhappy because of that. If she can though, she could make the first move. But I wouldn't wait too long to see some sign from him that he listened and was willing to change too.

[Bellechica]

Yes it's a serious problem and vicious cycle. Her H didn't take a vow of celibacy. He probably feels resentful and unloved. That doesn't justify his treatment of her, but ignoring the issue is just going to make it fester for them both.

Yes, since she is the one posting, she will need to be strong and start the conversation and spell it out clearly. I'm getting up the nerve to have the sex talk with my H. It's such a delicate subject.

But I will say that the being tired and overworked excuse and "I feel pressured" line starts to eat away at a spouse that craves being touched.

 

Like I said frootloop, the longer you both go without it, the more awkward it becomes and the more you're not going to want to do it.

 

Do you not find your H physically attractive? Do you get aroused by anyone else or ever self-pleasure? Sorry for the tmi, I have these thoughts about my H. I don't think he thinks about sex much at all.

[woinlove]

Yes it's a serious problem and vicious cycle. Her H didn't take a vow of celibacy. He probably feels resentful and unloved. That doesn't justify his treatment of her, but ignoring the issue is just going to make it fester for them both.

Yes, since she is the one posting, she will need to be strong and start the conversation and spell it out clearly. I'm getting up the nerve to have the sex talk with my H. It's such a delicate subject.

But I will say that the being tired and overworked excuse and "I feel pressured" line starts to eat away at a spouse that craves being touched.

 

Like I said frootloop, the longer you both go without it, the more awkward it becomes and the more you're not going to want to do it.

 

Do you not find your H physically attractive? Do you get aroused by anyone else or ever self-pleasure? Sorry for the tmi, I have these thoughts about my H. I don't think he thinks about sex much at all.

 

Bella, you sound very sympathetic to the H, perhaps because you identify with him. I agree 2 years with little sex could make one very resentful. But it is him basically not participating in the M in so many other ways, plus, most importantly, his temper and using it to control conversations about difficult subjects, that I find very worrisome.

 

Communication is the key to any M, so sex or no sex, how does a M work when one person shuts down communication on things he doesn't want to hear? I just see a lot of red flags here. Still, froot could take the first step, because a good M is very important. But, in the longer term, she should not put up with a situation that does not treat her well.

[Frootloop]

You have l definitely given me a lot to think about here. I agree that some of our problems need MC to work through, and some them might just be too many vast differences between our expectations.

 

I just wanted to get some advice as the OTHER party from the usual on this board. My own lack of sexual interest is very frustrating to even me! I'm baffled by it sometimes. To answer one of your questions, I really don't have sexual interest AT ALL anymore, and no that's not TMI to ask that!

 

The schedules are a major problem and I think they will continue to be. My husband owns his own business and it's mostly work that can only be done at night, and We still have an elementary age child, so for now, I need to keep this schedule.

 

I have had serious thyroid issues (very hyper, and had to undergo radiation to turn it off two years ago) and I wonder if some of this doesn't stem from that.

 

I guess I just don't feel as though I should do it even when I don't want to if he isn't giving things he isn't necessarily into either, like housework.

[Frootloop]

And yes, the temper issue is a MASSIVE problem for me. I think I have a touch of PTSD or something from growing up in a violent and neglectful home. Any type of explosion and I go into panic attack mode, and all I can see is my mom's ex husband.

Edited May 16, 2012 by Frootloop
Autocorrect failure!

[Bellechica]

Yes I'm sympathetic to her H, but I don't condone his temper. Remember, we aren't hearing his side of things only hers.

Frootloop, communication is the key here. Please let him know how you're feeling. Maybe write it all down or most definitely discuss it in MC which sounds like the best. '

Yes, there could be an underlying medical reason for your lack of desire, but you still need to understand that your H needs your touch.

You didn't answer my question about whether or not you find him attractive. Has he let himself go?

Also, would you be okay if he sought physical intimacy outside of the M?

Would you be okay if he watched porn?

[Frootloop]

Sorry. I guess I'm mulling over the attraction thing. In some ways he has let himself go but in some ways he's the same. I didn't marry him for attraction. I is that my first time around and this time I was after solid and dependable. There are some things I have a hard time with, like not keeping his toenails trimmed or letting them have fungus on them. Now THAT'S TMI!!! I feel really bad saying that, but it's true.

 

As far as porn goes, I really don't have a problem with it. I did a long time ago because when I was expecting our child, he was completely turned off by me or something. I didn't want him to watch porn IN PLACE of having sex with me, but I'm not doing that, so I probably wouldn't care. We have had that conversation and he knows that.

 

As far as him sleeping with other people, I guess it gives me a lot to think about because from how I'm feeling today, I don't know how I'd feel about it. I wouldn't want to know, that much I can say.

[woinlove]

Sounds like you should also take to your doctor about loss of sex drive. Maybe there is a connection with your thyroid or something else and maybe something could be done about that.

 

I'd recommend doctor, MC, trying to talk to your H, trying to give sex a try with the best attitude you can (sex is good for your health!) and then expecting to see some changes in your H as well.

[Bellechica]

Frootloop, you remind me of my H. I think he avoids any kind of touching because it might lead to sex. Also, he doesn't know about my As and I don't think he would want to. He could probably careless if I watch porn. I think he just has some sexual hang ups. I don't know what it is, but I'm not giving up on us. A year ago I was ready to throw it all away, but I won't. I married for love. I'm staying for love.

You married for stability. That's not good. I think your M is in grave danger. It seems you both have given up.

I identify with your H but the toenail fungus Ewwww. He needs to fix that.

I have worked out very hard and eat healthy and believe I'm still attractive. I've had many opportunities for sex with OM but I want my H. Pisses me off sometimes that he doesn't touch me. He tells me I'm sexy and that I'm his love, but then why doesn't he want to have sex more than just once a week to three weeks? Why am I the one who has to be the aggressor?

You know your H is probably pissed about this issue as well.

[Bellechica]

Sorry Froot if I seem pissy. This is just a very sensitive topic for me. I believe in my heart is something that can be fixed. As I said earlier, my H and I are both working on reconnecting.

We are talking more and I have backed off initiating sex and we are at least having it some now. I'm trying to be better.

Definitely get a medical check up, but don't use that as an excuse to not pleasure your H and allow him to try to please you.

Like I said, baby steps. Talk first, try connecting emotionally first by texting, talking and doing things together and then build up the intimacy.

I hope it works for you if you really love him.

[Frootloop]

BC, I don't think you sound pissy at all, and I appreciate hearing your viewpoint from the other side of the equation.

 

Now some "other people" ^^^ seem a bit too pissy about it considering that I know this is bad and am looking for some advice to fix it. When people say things like "don't expect him to stay" or "quit withholding no matter what," that doesn't help because there are obviously much bigger issues here. And I want to WANT it when I do it. But I am totally okay with the over critical comments because I don't know these people and their anger is obviously not actually directed at me. I'm seeking help, not for someone to reiterate what I've already said, which is that this is a problem.

[Frootloop]

@blackgetsuga, as I said above, this situation HAS been reversed on the past, when I was pregnant. I know it doesn't feel good to him. When he wa stressed and overwhelmed it didn't feel good to me either. I just don't know how to jump the hurdle.

[Frootloop]

AND I guess my biggest concern is will the sex drive come back? Or is this a losing battle?

[Bellechica]

I think you can get it back. I think you've lost the emotional connection and sex for you is hard because it might feel like you're being used, like it's a chore, a duty. That's not how it should feel.

When you and your H are together, what do you do? What do you talk about? Any happy moments at all?

Do you think he is already having an A?

[Frootloop]

I would be really surprised if he was having an affair. It's just not "him." honestly I think that would be too much effort. We are rarely together because of our opposing work schedules. If er are together it's usually because there is a family event and the kids are also there. We do talk about jobs and scheduling etc. But that's about it

[Bellechica]

An A isn't "me" either that's why no one would suspect, and prior to and during the As, my conversations with my H were only about schedules and kids, nothing deep, nothing emotional.

I realize you have some family issues that make you want to avoid conflict. My H and I both avoid our issues as well, but we are starting to discuss deeper issues, but in a positive way. Sharing our fears and anxieties, not addressing the physical issues yet, but we are bonding.

Are you willing to reach out to him? Start reconnecting the emotional part first? Tell him you have some arousal problems if you want to, but be clear that you want to bond with him. Don't blame or demand, be gentle and ask that you both have patience.

[Frootloop]

Yeah he knows I'm having serious arousal problems, and he's not pressuring me right now, for about the last month. Next week summer vacation starts though and I think it's really going to surface then.

[Bellechica]

Froot, do you truly want to reconnect with him? If so, what are you going to do? Summer vacation is starting, hmmm, does that mean you're going to have less to do, and less excuses?

[Frootloop]

Yes, absolutely as soon as my work vacation begins, theoretically I should be less stressed and have more energy to have sex. An I can say that that is actually exactly what happened last summer while I was off.

[Frootloop]

And he has not been cut off from sex for the last two years, I just haven't wanted to do it. In 2011, we had very little sex, but on the summer that changed. Them when my job started back up, the stress and the exhaustion hit again and it was dead in the water. This year, during January, wwe did it every single day. Then my work stress ramped up and it stopped. We did have sex a few nights ago though. So he's not totally cut off, it's just very sporadic and confusing. I can say that the January bubble began when he did give a nice

Massage and got me really relaxed. I think it let

Me relax while he touched me instead of me being so skittish.

[OliveOyl]

I just wanted to get some advice as the OTHER party from the usual on this board. My own lack of sexual interest is very frustrating to even me! I'm baffled by it sometimes. To answer one of your questions, I really don't have sexual interest AT ALL anymore, and no that's not TMI to ask that!

 

The schedules are a major problem and I think they will continue to be. My husband owns his own business and it's mostly work that can only be done at night, and We still have an elementary age child, so for now, I need to keep this schedule.

 

I have had serious thyroid issues (very hyper, and had to undergo radiation to turn it off two years ago) and I wonder if some of this doesn't stem from that.

 

I guess I just don't feel as though I should do it even when I don't want to if he isn't giving things he isn't necessarily into either, like housework.

My marriage (now over) was virtually sexless for the last few years. I thought I had no sex drive. But it turned out I had no sex drive for my *husband*. There were a lot of factors in the breakdown of the marriage but I believe we were missing a basic underlying sexual attraction to help glue things together.

 

The schedule problems, the resentment, the exhaustion, your H's anger, are all playing a part. But it also sounds like there might be a basic sexual mismatch. Sex shouldn't seem like a chore, it should be energy-giving.