Does anyone else just NOT want sex...ever?

[2sunny]

Yes I have had sexually fulfilling relationships. I was sexually fulfilled with my husband up until a couple of years ago. This is fairly new thing. I was also married before. I definitely do not like women that way.

 

Be honest then.

 

IF you don't INTEND to have sex with him - then tell him! Then he can decide if he wants to stay in a M with no sex (or very little) or if he wants to end the M and find someone who may want sex as part of the agreement... Sex on a regular basis - not just when" you feel like it".

 

Or tell him every time he gives you a massage - he will get sex. See how often he moves to giving you a massage...

[2sunny]

Whoa....wait just a minute 2sunny.... He does not do housework and that has been my chief complaint throughout this post. I'm not sure where you got that from.

 

Also, as I have also said, more than once, I work to support my children and I get child support for them as well as extra money for them to go to their schools and for their spending money.

 

I think you may be confused with another thread or something. My husband does not spend all his time and attention on my needs, support my children, and do the housework.

 

Start dividing up houehold chores then. At child past the age of 6 or 7 should be contributing to the chores. If they are teens - they should be learning how to do their own laundry and cook meals. And if they need rides - they can arrange carpools so you only drive 50% of the time.

 

I'm assuming your current husband contributes to the house payment (rent)? Food? Clothing? He must contribute something to the way the house operates?

 

Does he put gas in your car or wash it? Mow the lawn? Take out trash? That IS housework - in a sense...

[2sunny]

I will say - when I am totally in love with someon - I definitely want to have sex with them often!

 

When I'm just friends with someone - having sex with them never enters my mind, whether I love them or not. My mind needs to be into them sexually for me to "want them".

[Frootloop]

Yes, he contributes to the food, house payment, etc. as do I. We also have a child together. We work like any other family except that I don't want to have sex and he doesn't want to help a whole lot with domestic stuff. I mostly take care of my own car. Once in a blue moon he may go vacuum it, but that's maybe twice a year. Sometimes he takes the trash out and sometimes someone else does it.

[hotgurl]

I think you have resentment because your expectations are not being meet.

 

But are they realistic?

 

You workdays at a school say 7-3:30. your husband works nights. 3-11 I am guessing. SO physically he can't be there to help with the kids at night.

 

You resent him for this but short of selling his business what can he do? Does he make enough to hire some help?

 

CAn you hire a house keeper?

 

If chores are the main source of the strife. Make a list of all the chores that need to be done and see who can do what.

 

 

I was having the same resentment with my husband but when I wrote everything down I realized I was wrong to feel cheated. Yes i clean the house, grocery shop cook do the dishes and my laundry. But he does all the outside stuff. including handling the wood. WE heat with wood it is a lot of work and grilling, the car stuff and pays the bills.

 

I still felt a little overwhelmed so since my daughter is a teen she does the dishes and her laundry. My husband also does his own laundry.

 

His standards of clean are not quite as high as mine so I had made some adjustments. Nothing is ever going to be perfectly split. Does your husband really do nothing?

 

Also you whole attitude about sex seems odd. It is a chore a duty, he is putting it upon you.

 

Sex is not about that. It is fun, a stress relief.

 

Also why are you so tired I know teaching is hard work but you shouldn't be that exhausted.

 

I would try these things.

1. hire a maid

2. go to the doctor. If your hormones are out of wack it can cause you to be tired as well

3. hire your teens to babysit the little one and go on a date.

4. try to carve out some alone time in the am or on the weekends. even just a 1/2 hour in bed together talking.

[2sunny]

I do agree - that sex is like a chore to you... So tell him that.

 

If its low on your list of "chores" then he deserves to understand that he comes last on your list of chores!

 

Then HE has choices! Either he stays and understands that he's NOT your priority - or he tells you "it's not what he wants/deserves". That way he can find a gal who makes him the priority over laundry, dishes and such.

[turnera]

Sorry I forgot one...yes I enjoy sex when I do have it, but it just never seems to be enough for me to want to do it again! I'm very frustrate with myself because I cannot figure out why it seems like such a chore for me.

It's for several reasons, all fixable.

 

One, you are spread too thin. If you both work full time and have 3 kids, he should be doing 50% of the work at home. Is he? Even if he were, it's very hard to fit in all the chores/school/etc. into a full-time job situation.

 

Two, your opposite schedules allows no time for bonding, and you have to work in a marriage to continue having those bonding moments. It's recommended that couples spend 10 to 15 hours a week together doing non-work/kids/house/bills/etc. things, just to keep the spark alive.

 

Three, your husband is Love Busting you by refusing to step up with the chores. He is telling you by his arguing and his actions (or lack of) that he puts his own happiness/care ahead of yours. He KNOWS you need help, but he doesn't. So you are feeling less and less loved as this goes on. And you know, of course, that a woman usually has to have love/feelings for a man before she'll want to have sex with him. And when you get Love Busted to that extent, no amount of trying to make you happy will remove the elephant in the room.

 

Four, he is taking the marriage for granted, and you sense it. Why should you indulge him if he takes you for granted and just expects you to give it up whether you're in a good place or not? Enter resentment.

 

All fixable stuff, but it sounds like you aren't getting anywhere and probably will need to bring in a counselor to be able to come to an agreement.

[turnera]

I do agree - that sex is like a chore to you... So tell him that.

 

If its low on your list of "chores" then he deserves to understand that he comes last on your list of chores!

 

Then HE has choices! Either he stays and understands that he's NOT your priority - or he tells you "it's not what he wants/deserves". That way he can find a gal who makes him the priority over laundry, dishes and such.

sunny, go back and read the posts. You're pulling out a tiny statement out of context and ignoring the rest.

[Frootloop]

^^^^ this is FINALLY something that makes sense for me with the love busting. As I have said several times, I am confused and frustrated with my own behavior and do not understand it. I looked this up on the Internet, and my feelings are starting to make sense.

 

Believe me, the anger and assigning blame in a situation like this (ie, if you want to keep your man...., if you want to stay married...) does not help. We already have anger and blame at home over this situation, so if that worked, it would have worked a long time ago.

 

The stuff I saw on the websites I visited were so achingly familiar. Leaving messes everywhere, not helping out, etc.

[Bellechica]

Yes, he might be love busting, but perhaps it's because he feels unloved, has given up on the M, and because he resents getting zero intimacy.

 

Someone in the M needs to make the first move and be the change. I think these are issues that are going to need to be addressed in MC.

 

Froot, the fact that you're here tells me that you do want to fix things, right? Let your H know how you feel and let him know how serious it has gotten, but please don't place blame on him or you two will probably end up arguing.

 

What actions can you start on today?

[giotto]

I think it's pretty much clear now... he doesn't help, you are spreading yourself thin, you are tired and resentful and therefore you don't want to have sex with him. I think it's fair enough...

[Frootloop]

I think sometimes when you're in a rough spot, it helps to be able to name why it happening and what it's called. Hopefully the love busting and the emotional bank account will give me an analogy to use next time we talk about this. For awhile now I've been saying that I feel "used up," but I think that letting him know that I feel "emotionally bankrupt" might make more sense to him. It really is the little stuff that wears you down over time.

Edited May 17, 2012 by Frootloop

[xxoo]

I think sometimes when you're in a rough spot, it helps to be able to name why it happening and what it's called. Hopefully the love busting and the emotional bank account will give me an analogy to use next time we talk about this. For awhile now I've been saying that I feel "used up," but I think that letting him know that I feel "emotionally bankrupt" might make more sense to him. It really is the little stuff that wears you down over time.

 

It might help him understand what you mean if you apply the same terms to his feelings and your actions. To him, you are "love busting" when you refuse sex. Fighting all the time and no sexual connection leaves him feeling "emotionally bankrupt".

 

I think it would help enormously if you could both understand the other's point of view.

[2sunny]

For me - it helped when I just stated what I needed others in my house to help me with. Things like:

 

I need you to take out the trash within an hour.

 

And/or:

 

Find a ride to your practice and I'll give you all a ride home.

 

Get the idea?

 

No ONE person should carry all the burden of multiple schedules. The kids can help by asking their friends to carpool.

 

The idea is that the kids learn how to become self supporting as they get older. Part of that is YOU not doing everything for all of them. Don't expect perfection... If they don't "get it right" at first - as they ARE learning...

 

And when you leave for work it may be helpful to leave hubby a list of what you want HIM to accomplish while you are away and he is home. He can also leave you his ideas of what might be needed while he's at work too.

 

The it becomes a TEAM effort as everyone participates. Takes the bulk of the responsibility off of you and distributes it amongst others.

 

Believe me, it's better this way. Less resentments. More pride of everyone participating.

 

I've seen it when families lose their Mom suddenly - everyone picks up other duties.

 

A few years ago I was very sick and my kids learned how to manage better by DOING things they weren't used to doing! When I went back to work I'd get random texts from my boys like "I just vacuumed the house" or "mom, the dishes are done and the trash is out". It was amazing and perfect!

 

We had more time to"enjoy each other" too!

[2sunny]

I think sometimes when you're in a rough spot, it helps to be able to name why it happening and what it's called. Hopefully the love busting and the emotional bank account will give me an analogy to use next time we talk about this. For awhile now I've been saying that I feel "used up," but I think that letting him know that I feel "emotionally bankrupt" might make more sense to him. It really is the little stuff that wears you down over time.

 

Putting a name to it only identifies the problem.

 

Putting contrary action into place enables NEW behavior. Anything you've done prior - DO OPPOSITE (contrary action).

 

This theory automatically begins to bring in new possibilities to the situation.

 

If its broken - DO OPPOSITE! If I don't like the way it is - I need to be sure and CHANGE it!

 

For me, I was just willing to NEVER do old behavior again... Mainly because I knew that old behavior wasn't making me happy.

 

When I changed - everyone else had to adjust too! They didn't like it so much at first - but they got used to it real quick and then learned that participating made them have a sense of pride and ownership.

[frozensprouts]

so your husband works the back shift,why does that mean he doesn't have an hour or two to help out around the house each morning when he gets out of bed?

if he gets up at say, nine or ten, why can't he do some wash, make a meal to freeze for dinner, sweep or do whatever needs done.

is he one of those types who doesn't see a problem, but if you write it down on a list of "things that need done around the house" he'll know and then do it? will that help?

 

I really feel for you, as sex is supposed to be an expression of love between two people you love him, he loves you, and being intimate with him is a great way to show that. You share yourself with him in the deepest sense possible.

 

the problem is that he's not acting very loving towards you in other ways that are also very important. Maybe he doesn't realize that.

[Frootloop]

Yes, somebody has to be first, and since it's obviously on my mind, it will be me. I am also definitely going to assign more of te household stuff to the kids, as I am losing my mind! I am going to be first, and I have no problem with that, although I still stand behind the idea that his lack of cooperation is not due to my lack of sex drive. We have been having the housework argument in a bad way for 8 years. I've only lost my sex drive in the past 2, so I explained, argued, and tried to make deals with him for SIX years.

[Frootloop]

@frozensprouts, doing stuff around the house when he gets up in the morning has been my main argument with him all along. He had to "give" some too, even if that means in a non traditional way. Also, we have discussed the idea of me making a list for him, and that has always seemed unreasonable to me. It still puts the burden on me to assign the tasks, and I feel that it puts me too much in the "mommy" role to him. To me, he can SEE that the sink is full of dishes as easily as I can.

[2sunny]

Yes, somebody has to be first, and since it's obviously on my mind, it will be me. I am also definitely going to assign more of te household stuff to the kids, as I am losing my mind! I am going to be first, and I have no problem with that, although I still stand behind the idea that his lack of cooperation is not due to my lack of sex drive. We have been having the housework argument in a bad way for 8 years. I've only lost my sex drive in the past 2, so I explained, argued, and tried to make deals with him for SIX years.

 

There's no "deal making" - the house stuff needs done and YOU aren't going to be the only one to do it!

 

Make a list and allow EVERYONE in the house to place their own name next to the chore they will be responsible for on a daily and weekly basis.

 

EVERYONE puts their name on the list several times... All distributed equally - that includes your husband.

 

Maybe a spreadsheet?

[xxoo]

Make a list and allow EVERYONE in the house to place their own name next to the chore they will be responsible for on a daily and weekly basis.

 

EVERYONE puts their name on the list several times... All distributed equally - that includes your husband.

 

This is a great idea because it plans out both WHO and WHEN.

 

Sometimes partners have a different idea on WHEN, so one partner does it because the other partner waits too long. I'd wait years before I washed the car, for example, but that is too long for my H. When it comes to bathrooms, however, our tolerance is flipped. A planned and agreed upon schedule addresses that issue.

 

There is also the issues of HOW, and sometimes you need to let it go when things are not done to your standards.

[The Blue Knight]

I'm just wondering if I'm the only married person out there who does not ever want to have sex and it's having a serious impact on my relationship?

 

I see lots of posts where one spouse feels deprived of sex and is trying to figure out how I get it, but I don't see a lot of posts from the other side.

 

I am the mother of three children and work a very demanding full time job. For the last two years, I have been almost angry about my husband expecting to have sex with me. When I get home, all I want is to chill out and go to sleep. The last thing I want to do us expend more energy when I'm exhausted and still have a million things to do. I don't feel like desire is going to come back to me, and I'm not sure how to deal with this. It isn't a simple issue like go on dates or watch some porn, etc. I am honestly overwhelmed and exhausted. I am also having night sweats so I suspect I'm in early menopause, but when I say early, I mean late 30's/early 40's.

 

I just find myself really sympathizing with the spouse who does not want to have sex, like to the point that it makes me angry.

I haven't read any replies to your OP so I'm shooting from the hip here based on what you wrote because I find your "anger" about having a high libido husband to be rather selfish to be perfectly frank. Now, unless there's something else keeping you away from your husband outside of a non-workable libido, I can't sympathize with you too much.

 

I see your problem as twofold, and it's largely based on how you view your priorities which have no doubt changed since the day you promised to become "his wife."

 

If your husband isn't your #1 priority, then you probably shouldn't have married. Spouses need to put each other first or the marriage is going to blow up eventually. Problem #2 is that you should be honored by the emotional / sexual connection that your husband seeks with you, and you should want to please your husband just as I assume he wants to please you.

 

That doesn't mean your his for the taking. It means find a compromise of what works for him and for you.

 

I'm always amazed at individuals like yourself who had no problem with copious amounts of sex early on in the relationship and then into the marriage. Then, suddenly . . . you don't have the time or inclination for sex. Meanwhile, your husband is wondering what the %#$& happened to your relationship and if you're the woman he married.

 

And before you get angry, I'll just say that I have more kids than you do and my wife works a FT job and a PT job. I work FT and PT as well, and we both make time for one another and our kids. It can be done if you prioritize one another.

 

Let me just add that I witnessed this same "arrangement" with a close relative and the wife had shut the door on her husband. We all knew it was a matter of time and he finally caved and fell for the first woman that showed him some attention. They are now divorced.

Yours is a marriage just waiting for an affair to happen because your husband will only hold out so long as long as he feels like he's #754 on your list of important matters. Eventually, he'll be #1 on someone else's list and then you'll be back posting about "how could he do this to me!!!" We see it here all the time.

[Frootloop]

Thanks for your response. I appreciate all viewpoints and ideas

 

Throughout all these pages, I have kind of resolve at least why I feel this way. There is a lot more to this than just a low libido an my job. This was something that happened over the course of years and I hope I'm on my way to finding some solutions.

[The Blue Knight]

Some people just have lower libidos, and it's very unfortunate when the couple's libidos are incompatible. I can tell you it's very hard on the person with the higher libido too. Has it always been like this? When did it get like this? I believe some women's libidos settle down once "they got the man". Truly I don't know if there is anything to do about this. Accept it or move on to a more compatible partner for both of you.

And therein lies the bulk of the problem. Thank you Trinity for your honesty. Trust me, and I think I speak for many married men here, and probably a few married women who have husband's with no libido as well. We would not have married most of these women had we known ahead of time what the "arrangement" was going to be. That's not shallow, it's just factual. Sex is part of the marriage equation for most people.

[Frootloop]

I totally agree that sex is a big part of the marriage equation. I just wish that my husband would see that an equitable division of child care and housework is also a big part of the equation. Having no sex drive is definitely no fun for anyone involved!

[The Blue Knight]

i am very much looking forward

to the break and hoping for some changes.

 

As far as love goes, i feel like i must love him deeply or i wouldnt be concerned about how all this affects him, but

i question myself about am i actually "in love" with him.

 

b-i-n-g-o !!!!