Does anyone else just NOT want sex...ever?

[Bellechica]

Well I looked at your OP and earlier posts, it seems you were angry that he expects sex even though you're tired. His temper is a new point I'm seeing you mention.

It's your life, so only you know how things really are, but I can identify with your H wanting intimacy with you. I truly hope you both can work it out.

[Frootloop]

As a quick example of one of these situatiOns that has torn me down: when I underwent a medical procedure, I was supposed to stay in bes for several days, away from everyone else. No contact with the kids. I was radioactive. He had taken a couple of days off work to take care of the household and get some yardwork done. He slept the entire time instead. I had to deal with the kids, which could have made them very sick. This upset me terribly because here I am trying to kill off cancerous cells, and he's the one resting. I am very resentful of

That.

 

Another example is that he will not close any door that he opens, no matter how many times I ask him to, and one morning I jumped out of bed and went into the hallway and ran smack into the linen closet door he had left open and ended up with a concussion. I also have a scar on my face from it.

 

One more example is that I asked him not to break something expensive that he was getting frustrated with and was starting

To slam his fist onto. When I said that, he began screaming at me to "shut up" over and over for a good 5 minutes in front of the kids. When one of the kids started crying and said "stop it!" he yelled at HER to shut up. This is the perfect example of how he has never learned to control his own anger. This of course created a lovely situation for me when my daughter called her dad to come and get her.

 

As I said, it is the little things over years that build up and make you just start going numb.

[Bellechica]

Okay Froot, your H is sounding more and more villainous as this thread goes on. If he is so horrible and you're so unhappy then WHY are you with him? You resent him and you sound miserable. You have no desire for him.....

Why stay at this point?

[The Blue Knight]

Well I looked at your OP and earlier posts, it seems you were angry that he expects sex even though you're tired. His temper is a new point I'm seeing you mention.

It's your life, so only you know how things really are, but I can identify with your H wanting intimacy with you. I truly hope you both can work it out.

Agree. This wasn't brought up in the original posting as part of what separated you from him.

 

I'm not sure which came first here . . . chicken or the egg. But for a guy who feels like he has to bring sex up all the time to a wife who lacks or isn't interested, I think all husbands can become a bit surly under such circumstances.

 

But it sounds like you're saying the man has anger issues that go back quite a ways. Most women married to "angry men" have a hard time feeling love for them at times, especially if they are angry often. Is that what's keeping you from intimacy truthfully, or is there more?

Edited May 18, 2012 by The Blue Knight

[turnera]

Hon, what's really missing here are boundaries. That is when you say to him "Please don't raise your voice to me. If you do, I will leave the room. If you continue, I will leave the house. If you follow me outside, I will go to a hotel and spend the night. If you continue to yell at me, I will move out."

[The Blue Knight]

As a quick example of one of these situatiOns that has torn me down: when I underwent a medical procedure, I was supposed to stay in bes for several days, away from everyone else. No contact with the kids. I was radioactive. He had taken a couple of days off work to take care of the household and get some yardwork done. He slept the entire time instead. I had to deal with the kids, which could have made them very sick. This upset me terribly because here I am trying to kill off cancerous cells, and he's the one resting. I am very resentful of

That.

 

Another example is that he will not close any door that he opens, no matter how many times I ask him to, and one morning I jumped out of bed and went into the hallway and ran smack into the linen closet door he had left open and ended up with a concussion. I also have a scar on my face from it.

 

One more example is that I asked him not to break something expensive that he was getting frustrated with and was starting To slam his fist onto. When I said that, he began screaming at me to "shut up" over and over for a good 5 minutes in front of the kids. When one of the kids started crying and said "stop it!" he yelled at HER to shut up. This is the perfect example of how he has never learned to control his own anger. This of course created a lovely situation for me when my daughter called her dad to come and get her.

 

As I said, it is the little things over years that build up and make you just start going numb.

Well, for what it's worth Frootloop I would have been less rough on you had you revealed some of the reasons you don't feel sexual with this guy in your OP. He's a selfish jerk based on what you're writing here. I can see why you don't feel close to him. Forgive my earlier posting. That was meant for the wife who otherwise had the decent and caring husband, which obviously isn't your case at all. Sounds to me like he needs some help or you need to get out.

[turnera]

There's a great book you absolutely have to read. It's called Boundaries In Marriage. Get it at your library.

[standtall]

Gee, the truth comes out. I said 5 pages ago that it sounds like there is more to it that just the sex issue. Loopy, you and your husband need some serious MC, otherwise you're going to be posting in the divorce section before long.

[OliveOyl]

As a quick example of one of these situatiOns that has torn me down: when I underwent a medical procedure, I was supposed to stay in bes for several days, away from everyone else. No contact with the kids. I was radioactive. He had taken a couple of days off work to take care of the household and get some yardwork done. He slept the entire time instead. I had to deal with the kids, which could have made them very sick. This upset me terribly because here I am trying to kill off cancerous cells, and he's the one resting. I am very resentful of

That.

 

Another example is that he will not close any door that he opens, no matter how many times I ask him to, and one morning I jumped out of bed and went into the hallway and ran smack into the linen closet door he had left open and ended up with a concussion. I also have a scar on my face from it.

 

One more example is that I asked him not to break something expensive that he was getting frustrated with and was starting

To slam his fist onto. When I said that, he began screaming at me to "shut up" over and over for a good 5 minutes in front of the kids. When one of the kids started crying and said "stop it!" he yelled at HER to shut up. This is the perfect example of how he has never learned to control his own anger. This of course created a lovely situation for me when my daughter called her dad to come and get her.

 

As I said, it is the little things over years that build up and make you just start going numb.

Well this all sounds like way more than a sexual issue. Lack of sex is a signal that something is quite wrong with the marriage, but it's obvious that it's not just the lack of sex that's the problem.

 

It sounds like you have pretty much lost all respect for him (and understandably so...).

 

In my opinion, once a woman loses respect (even more so than "love") for her husband, then the marriage is on a slippery downward slope that is often unrecoverable.

 

I'd definitely look into MC.

[Frootloop]

Yep. In the thread of conversation, more and more

Info tends to come out. But I did mention his temper issues and how they affect me as a child who grew up in an abusive household on the three first pages. So my story hasn't changed, I've already said all of these things at some point during this thread. And you know, it might have new kind of spiteful, but I went ahead and have you examples so you would see that there are real reasons why I'm not feeling very romantic

[2sunny]

Okay Froot, your H is sounding more and more villainous as this thread goes on. If he is so horrible and you're so unhappy then WHY are you with him? You resent him and you sound miserable. You have no desire for him.....

Why stay at this point?

 

I agree.

 

No one should put up with anger issues like that! No one! And it certainly isn't teaching your kids what is right by him acting that way and you staying - which shows them that it's ok to be abusive and violent. They will most likely marry the same kind of men because this is what's familiar and "normal" to them. They are being "conditioned" to accept it as acceptable behavior! Wich is terribly back wards!

 

They probably don't feel safe either! And when in your own home - it is the utmost importance that the ones living there feel that home is there peaceful retreat.

 

Why ARE you putting up with unacceptable behavior?

 

And NO - I didn't get this info from you earlier... Or my stance wouldn't have been to encourage you to rebuild the bond and intimacy with him. I would have suggested you RUN!

 

Why are you staying with a terribly violent man whom you stated you aren't even in love with?

[giotto]

well, the anger is a terrible thing and a great turn-off. I experienced this myself with my wife when I would get angry (never violent - just saying horrible things to her) after been turned down again and again... obviously, I made things a lot worse and she would be scared of me. And yes, she's told me that several times she had sex with me just to keep me quiet. So, I truly believe that many women have sex with their husbands just to keep them happy, but they would rather do something else...

 

You really need MC to sort out this mess. Maybe you should have IC too...

[SandieBeach]

Gee, the truth comes out. I said 5 pages ago that it sounds like there is more to it that just the sex issue. Loopy, you and your husband need some serious MC, otherwise you're going to be posting in the divorce section before long.

 

It's almost always more than just the sex issue.

[Frootloop]

As far as why I've stayed, there are a few reasons, although none of them are good.

 

I think when you grow up in a violent environment, violence becomes relative. It's harder to spot that something is a real problem because "at least he's not violent toward people."

 

Also, I got pregnant waaaay fast after marriage. I don't want to damage my child. I know this is damaging also.

 

We also never spend long periods of time together, so as I said, I'm mostly like a single mother. So my times of having to see him act out are few now.

 

This probably would have been over a long time ago if this caused more drama in my life, such as with the father of my older children. However, we are very close friends and he stays calm even when he's mad to keep me calm.

[xxoo]

I don't think it is uncommon for a woman to stay in an unhappy marriage, while refusing sex. Is refusing sex a passive-aggressive act? Is it a way of making him be the "bad guy" and cheat and/or leave, so that you can come out looking better?

 

 

I understand that the desire for sex is truly gone, and it isn't a deliberate manipulation. But if you don't want to have sex with him, isn't that equal to saying you don't want to be married to him? Would you marry someone if you did not want to have sex with him?

 

It is time to own up to your feelings and actions.

[giotto]

Would you marry someone if you did not want to have sex with him?

 

 

Only if he agrees... There a-sexual men around... not many, but you never know...

[The Blue Knight]

I do it just to please my husband. Why? Because when I don't, he gets really jittery, rude, and quick to anger. It keeps peace in the house. And don't tell me you don't think thousands of women do the exact same thing.

Turnera, I do believe thousands (probably millions) of women do the same thing and to be honest, I think that's very sad. Sex is supposed to be that portion of the marriage used to mutually satisfy one another. It's not supposed to be a tool used to keep the husband stupidly soothed like a drugged grizzly bear each time the narcotic begins to wear off.

 

With that said, I can understand why some women use it to "keep the peace." I just think it's a sad situation that it comes to that in many marriages.

 

For me, I'd rather know that my wife is interested in spending that quality intimate time with me rather than simply attempting to "sedate me" hoping to get by for three more nights.

[Bellechica]

Froot, I think you would benefit from IC if you can find some time. I didn't grow up in a violent family, but it sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive R now. That's horrible for your children.

 

And yes, sex is important in a M. I think you no longer love your H and you don't want sex from him. If he isn't going to change then let him go and find someone you want to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship with, mutual love, and a willingness to pleasure each other.

[The Blue Knight]

It's complicated. My older brother burned it into my head that sex was horrible and anyone who did it was horrible (dad left when I was 12 and brother tried to keep me from getting pregnant). Then I started dating fiance at 17, and he was dominating and make me feel horrible if I said no, but it was all about him. I was just a vessel. When I married DH at 21, he was great for me - always makes sure I'm taken care of first, goes slowly cos he knows I have issues with it. But we've been married almost 35 years and have been doing it at least twice a week for 35 years whether I want to or not. When I say no, he gets irritable, taps his foot (literally), that kind of stuff. so I just make sure he's taken care of. I've tried telling him I don't want it as much and he 'says' that's fine, but then he gets antsy again.

First off congratulations on 35 years together! That's nearly unheard of in today's era where most marriages collapse long before the 20th.

 

I can say that my irritability wouldn't have set in until about 7 to 10 days and I wouldn't tap my foot, which strikes me more as an impatient customer having to wait in line at the grocery store.

 

But I could become withdrawn. This was before my wife and I resolved this issue a year ago. I don't believe that I was consciously irritable or withdrawn and that's not even my true personality. I'm typically the "humor in everything" / "enjoy life" type. For me, when the sex life is quality and regular, the rest of the marriage is wonderful and I'm more willing to put myself out for her in any way needed. If I have that necessary connection, then everything else falls into place.

 

For most men, I believe it just kind of begins to build up and if they feel like their wives aren't interested, it brings out the surly part of their personality.

 

When I married my wife, I didn't think or assume that our physical relationship would die-down years after the marriage. Why would I? Aside from having children or just knowing that she had a long day at work, or it's late and she's going to get limited hours of sleep before she has to get up . . . and all those things I've always been cognizant of, why would I or any husband just assume that the sex life is going to wane in the latter years?

 

We men (perhaps stupidly) *assume* that if our wives are into us when we dated and got married, why wouldn't they still be into us 10 or 20 years later? Now, I'm not going to toss out the intangibles in this scenario like people who let themselves get obese, or become couch potatoes, or they are abusive to their spouse. I'm saying, if all else remains good and the status quo is the same as when you got married.

 

If anything Turnera, as you find you're empty-nesters again, I would expect that the honeymoon would resume itself . . . if other factors of the marriage are still strong, intact, and healthy.

 

Life is short. People are disabled by a multitude of diseases and health issues fairly early in life . . . often in their 50s and 60s. My gosh, grab all the sex you can with your spouse and go at it as often as you can. It may not be there tomorrow when one of you has a stroke, a heart attack, or is diagnosed with a serious illness.

 

Don't assume it's always going to be there. It won't be.

[The Blue Knight]

The only time my husband hasn't gotten sex is when I've had the flu. If I couldn't accommodate him, my hands did.

Please tell me he didn't expect "your hands" to be active when you had the flu?

[The Blue Knight]

I think the early signals we're sent are what becomes most comfortable for us. For example, I was raised in a church and family where sex is for

Procreation....Masturbation is bad....sex outside a marriage is bad etc. so I can honestly say that when I was pregnant with my youngest child, when my husband was too turned off by me to have sex, I would flip out when I caught him watching porn and masturbating.y

Viewpoint was that if he really

Didn't Have a sex drive, as he claimed, then what on earth was he doing? My secondary response would be eeeeewwww! Because as I was brought up it was a sin. I certainly don't see it that way now for him, although I doubt I'll ever be alone in the house and break out the porn.

 

Sounds like a recovering Catholic.

[The Blue Knight]

Well this all sounds like way more than a sexual issue. Lack of sex is a signal that something is quite wrong with the marriage, but it's obvious that it's not just the lack of sex that's the problem.

 

It sounds like you have pretty much lost all respect for him (and understandably so...).

 

In my opinion, once a woman loses respect (even more so than "love") for her husband, then the marriage is on a slippery downward slope that is often unrecoverable.

I'd definitely look into MC.

Agree. Respect for the man, and a belief that he'll take care of her and look after her are big in the marriage pact for a woman. If he's coming off as angry all the time and is lazy on top of that, then she's not going to be very interested and rightfully so.

 

He's not here, but my suggestion to him would be if you want to rebuild intimacy with your wife, get your anger issues under control (counseling) and try helping out around the home as much as possible.

 

It may be too late for either because he appears to have a set pattern of behavior.

[xxoo]

We men (perhaps stupidly) *assume* that if our wives are into us when we dated and got married, why wouldn't they still be into us 10 or 20 years later? Now, I'm not going to toss out the intangibles in this scenario like people who let themselves get obese, or become couch potatoes, or they are abusive to their spouse. I'm saying, if all else remains good and the status quo is the same as when you got married.

 

 

I'm not defending low sex marriages, nor do I have one.

 

But I think the belief that the status quo would be the same as when you got married is naive. Very little stays the same, and sex is just part of that. Add kids, and all kinds of things change. It takes some active "maintenance" to keep the same level of connection and sex as when you got married. It takes more than not being abusive, and not getting obese, too.

[The Blue Knight]

Froot, I think you would benefit from IC if you can find some time. I didn't grow up in a violent family, but it sounds like you are in an emotionally abusive R now. That's horrible for your children.

 

And yes, sex is important in a M. I think you no longer love your H and you don't want sex from him. If he isn't going to change then let him go and find someone you want to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship with, mutual love, and a willingness to pleasure each other.

. . . . but more importantly, someone willing to put up with his anger issues and his laziness around the house.

[The Blue Knight]

I'm not defending low sex marriages, nor do I have one.

 

But I think the belief that the status quo would be the same as when you got married is naive. Very little stays the same, and sex is just part of that. Add kids, and all kinds of things change. It takes some active "maintenance" to keep the same level of connection and sex as when you got married. It takes more than not being abusive, and not getting obese, too.

xxoo, I've always appreciated your postings, your insights, and of course your strong female libido but I will say that I don't think most men really sit and give it a lot of thought. How can it be "naive" for instance for the 22 year old guy who has the (by all appearances) high libido girlfriend / fiance, where he's engaging in sex 4-5 times a week, only to get married and two years later, he's down to once a month because she's "not interested"? How many stories like that have we seen posted here?

 

I agree that as the relationship goes on and you add children, change jobs, move to new homes, and all those other factors come into play, things do change and as you state, "maintenance" is a big part of a successful marriage at that point. But why would a regular sex life with the person you marry and give yourself too have to change that much?

 

The OP has other issues with an angry / lazy husband that she didn't articulate in her first comments. Hers is a marriage that has some major issues and it seems all intimacy is nearly gone for her.

 

Those issues aside, if both spouses love one another, enjoy their time with one another, and they can work around all the complications that are part of life and the "change" that comes with life, I see no reason why sex can't remain fairly high on the charts.

 

To me, when sexual intimacy begins to fail, the rest of the marriage is going to slide into oblivion. Either through an unforeseen affair, or the two of you are going to end up being platonic roommates who just "ride it out" for the remainder of the marriage. Neither of those strikes me as a good option.

 

What it comes down to is this. I have just as many female friends as I do male friends. I don't need another "female friend" at home . . . although I would certainly call my wife a very close friend. I need an intimate partner who I share myself with. That's what makes our relationship unique and special. I can find female friendships just about anywhere.