Does anyone else just NOT want sex...ever?

[Bellechica]

Ok so are you looking forward to this break and the sex with your H or are you dreading it? So you've been doing it but hating it?

What are you going to fix?

[Bellechica]

Do you love him?

[2sunny]

Generally men don't prefer to go long stretches without sex.

 

The odd thing is having sex every day in January... IF that was prefaced by his massage (touch/intimacy) then what's so wrong with asking him for a massage every few days?

 

It's like I told my best friend who didn't want to have penetration from her very handsome husband "if you aren't going to be the one giving him sex - some other hottie would willingly do it for you"- it's true!

 

If you don't INTEND to stay connected - you should at least tell him you don't INTEND to have sex with him. That's being honest!

 

IF you do intend to have sex with him- then get on it lickety split!

[2sunny]

Yeah a lot of this makes total sense. Thanks for responding.

 

My husband and I have been married for about ten years, and it's been the last two that I have felt this way. We have had constant, recurring arguments about the division of labor in our house. Another huge problem we have is that we work opposing schedules. I work all day and then come home and care for the children and get them to practices etc. he works until the middle of the night and then comes home and watches tv until he falls asleep. This has been a major source of friction for us. When we do have time together, I need some emotional bonding before I can even think physically because our schedules are so awful that we are very disconnected throughout the week. Also, two of my children are teenagers from a previous marriage. He's been great to them, but with them being teenagers, most of the heavy lifting is on me with the two of them. Ido have their fathers extreme support, but he often is out of town all week. Since my ex is out of town and my husband works odd hours, I very much feel alone with the kids and like a single parent.

 

Have your exH PAY for help with his kids! Your ex can hire a driver for the kids activities and obligations. They are his kids too - and since he's not there during the week - the brunt of your resentment should be on your ex husband - NOT your current husband! He's not their bio dad!

 

Yet you punish him as though he is!

 

Place the resentment where it belongs- on the man that fathered the kids but doesn't participate in their daily lives! IF he's not going to be there - he should pay more so you don't have to "do it all".

[Frootloop]

I am VERY much looking forward

To the break and hoping for some changes.

 

As far as love goes, I feel like I must love him deeply or I wouldnt be concerned about how all this affects him, but

I question myself about am I actually "in love" with him.

[2sunny]

I am VERY much looking forward

To the break and hoping for some changes.

 

As far as love goes, I feel like I must love him deeply or I wouldnt be concerned about how all this affects him, but

I question myself about am I actually "in love" with him.

 

Aaaahhhhhh, now I get it! You are ripe for an affair!

 

That's what they all say when they're ready to cheat!

 

Divorce him then - BEFORE you actually cheat!!!!

[2sunny]

After making suggestions that MIGHT help change things - then suddenly you decide you don't want to take suggestions and BAM - "I'm not in love with him".

 

You must ha e another man in mind then! They always do when they say it the way you said it!

[Frootloop]

As far as what I think will happen over my

Summer vacation, I think I may very well relax. My

Job is extremely demanding. I teach,

And so all day at work I have trying to meet the needs of

Kids who really Need some

Support and a relationship with a motherly

Role. By the time I get home, I am almost out of Patience

And save my last reserves for My Children. So I guess what it comes down to is that I give and give and give of myself at

Work, but there is very little to give at home. Hence my

exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed.

[2sunny]

As far as what I think will happen over my

Summer vacation, I think I may very well relax. My

Job is extremely demanding. I teach,

And so all day at work I have trying to meet the needs of

Kids who really Need some

Support and a relationship with a motherly

Role. By the time I get home, I am almost out of Patience

And save my last reserves for My Children. So I guess what it comes down to is that I give and give and give of myself at

Work, but there is very little to give at home. Hence my

exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed.

 

No - that's not it. Be honest! Just because someone's busy at work doesn't cause them to stop Beijing "in love" with the person they married.

 

Now you're deflecting!

 

MANY, MANY busy and exhausted people still MAKE time for amazing sex with the person they love.

 

You're not so exhausted that you'd quit? If its the job or the M you'd stay at the job? Be honest!

 

YOU CAN FIND A NEW JOB!!!

[Frootloop]

2sunny, you could not be more

Wrong about this. Your comment seemed

To really come out of nowhere.

 

I was saying that I hope I can relax on my vacation so I can get

Myself in a more romantic frame of

Mind. I also said that I do love him, just maybe not in the right

Way. This in no way means

I'm ripe for an affair, that sounds like the stress from that could be the straw that broke the camels back.

Remember, I am severely exhausted and I can't give anyone else more of my

Time, since I already have so little of it.

[2sunny]

2sunny, you could not be more

Wrong about this. Your comment seemed

To really come out of nowhere.

 

I was saying that I hope I can relax on my vacation so I can get

Myself in a more romantic frame of

Mind. I also said that I do love him, just maybe not in the right

Way. This in no way means

I'm ripe for an affair, that sounds like the stress from that could be the straw that broke the camels back.

Remember, I am severely exhausted and I can't give anyone else more of my

Time, since I already have so little of it.

 

Then find a different job if this job doesn't allow you to participate with the family at your best energy level.

 

A job isn't that important that it should take away the beauty of you at home.

 

And are you willing to ask your exH to help more? If not with time then money to hire help for you?

[2sunny]

And even stating you don't love him "in the right way" is completely unfair to HIM!!!

 

He DESERVES a wife to love him the RIGHT way - unconditionally and with full live and acceptance.

[2sunny]

Be honest - its not that you don't want sex - you just don't want it with him...

[Frootloop]

And yes, 2sunny, that could at least partially

Be it. With an autoimmune disorder and the germs I

am exposed to each day on the job, I am frequently

Under the weather. So the fact that I give so

Much at work could definitely make

Me low level viral and just generally

under the weather, which leads to exhaustion. I can totally

Understand why some people do not

Or cannot see the depth of this problem. So you say lots of working couples

With children do it, and I think that's great! But I'm sure that

In many of those cases the spouses come

Home around the same time and are

Able to talk and divide the evenings chores.y

Husband is not even home when I get home.

When I arrive home, I do ALL of

The evenings chores. There's no one make dinner while

One takes the kids to get shoes etc. It just is what it

Is and I need a way to work

Though this.

[2sunny]

And yes, 2sunny, that could at least partially

Be it. With an autoimmune disorder and the germs I

am exposed to each day on the job, I am frequently

Under the weather. So the fact that I give so

Much at work could definitely make

Me low level viral and just generally

under the weather, which leads to exhaustion. I can totally

Understand why some people do not

Or cannot see the depth of this problem. So you say lots of working couples

With children do it, and I think that's great! But I'm sure that

In many of those cases the spouses come

Home around the same time and are

Able to talk and divide the evenings chores.y

Husband is not even home when I get home.

When I arrive home, I do ALL of

The evenings chores. There's no one make dinner while

One takes the kids to get shoes etc. It just is what it

Is and I need a way to work

Though this.

 

So you keep stating the problem but aren't focusing on solutions.

 

Ask for help!

 

Change things!

 

Get more money from exH so you can hire help!

[Frootloop]

And no, I am being honest when I say I don't want sex, and that INCLUDES with him. I wouldn't want to has sex with anyone right now. I don't even self stimulate. So you are waaaay off the mark there.

[2sunny]

Many times though - a spouse like you likes the roadblocks - that way you have good reasons to not have sex.

 

Think about it... IF you get a new job and are less tired and hire help for the kids - what excuse are you gonna come up with then?

 

You are "in love" with him.

 

Better just to tell him than convincing yourself how to become more sick just to avoid sex with him.

 

He deserves a woman who totally digs him...

[2sunny]

And no, I am being honest when I say I don't want sex, and that INCLUDES with him. I wouldn't want to has sex with anyone right now. I don't even self stimulate. So you are waaaay off the mark there.

 

So why are you not willing to ask exH for more then?

[giotto]

Her two teenagers are only part of the problem.

 

Her HUSBAND can't be bothered to do SQUAT around the house - he spends all his time watching TV and sleeping, leaving all the work for HER. Of COURSE she's feeling overwhelmed when he does NOTHING and she's doing it all.

 

I'm laughing at the suggestions that SHE has to make all the efforts to reconnect with this lazy ass. Maybe if he'd actually make an EFFORT for a change, things wouldn't be the way they are.

 

sure, but maybe he's being lazy because he's lost interest in the marriage, because of the lack of sex... it's a vicious circle.

[bean1]

You guys could fix this by giving each other even half the attention you guys give to everyone and everything else.

 

You have teenagers, I assume they are old enough to stay home and at least babysit the younger one?

 

Do you have a big house? Each kid with their own room? Downsize and work less. Take a part-time TA job or do private lessons rather than drain yourself all day. Cut back on expenses. Surely there is some way?

 

You don't love your husband because you don't spend time with him, you don't 'date' him, you don't have sex with him. It really is that simple. There's no point in 'communicating', this much is pretty obvious. And by not wanting sex with him, he feels the same way. If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, she doesn't love you.

 

And I think, men can be justified in thinking that. After all, why is giving everyone else 100% more important than him???

 

I know it's not easy. I'm a mom myself. But once my son hit old enough to stay home with a relative for a few hours (12-18 months for nursing babies that don't take bottles, bottle babies even sooner), then it's time to make time for him. #1 mistake us mothers make, giving to everyone and everything except our marriage. And then what? Separation. Affair. Divorce.

 

How much is your lifestyle really worth it now?

[bean1]

There are teenagers in this house. Simple solution, NEITHER working parent does the chores. The teenagers can do it and perhaps get a minimal salary out of it. Car privileges, or whatever.

 

SOMEONE has to make the first step. Part of being in a marriage is sucking it up and taking the reigns even when you think the other one is wrong. You can spite yourself to divorce if you want, or suck it up.

[Frootloop]

Sorry I feel asleep last night before responding to you 2sunny

 

Okay, first of all, I doubt I can ask for more money from the ex husband. He has pretty consistently paid more than child support, such as helping with tuition and kids allowances on top of child support.

 

I would loooove to find a job that is less stressful for me, but that will have to wait a couple of years. I do have a degree in another field also, but for the next couple of years, someone needs to be able to take care of the kids after school and on breaks. And before you even say then get daycare, we can't afford that on top of tuition.

 

Believe me, I am the "problem solver" in this family, and I'm sure I'll find a solution in I've way or another, but sometimes it just helps to get it off your chest and tall about it.

[Bellechica]

Hi Froot, you say you married this time for stability. Were you ever "in love" with your H? Did you ever feel super hot for him?

 

I think you are making lots of excuses about not being intimate with him and it seems you both have lots of resentment towards each other. You resent him not doing more to help you and he resents you because he doesn't feel loved therefore he has no motivation to do anything.

If you're the problem solver, what solutions are you coming up with? What are you going to do?

[shayla]

Froot, do you have lupus?

 

My bf's ex wife has it and she stopped having sex with him years ago, and he knew for a fact that she wasn't having an affair or anything like that, she was just sick, in the same way you are describing and he basically endured it until the kids were grown.

 

It doesn't help that you aren't getting any support from anyone else in the family. That would go a long way in helping to cut down your stress level. If you do have lupus, stress doesn't help that either.

 

You've got to have help. Bottom line. Don't give up looking for and asking for help until you get it, one way or another.

[standtall]

FL, you have some serious choices here. Work on your marriage and your life long companion, or stay married to your job and children..who are going to move out and on anyway....choices, choices.