Does anyone else just NOT want sex...ever?

[turnera]

Remember that mothers very often, when they have kids, take over everything. No one knows how to do it better, so mom does it all. And then gets resentful. Time to change that. Do you go out on your own? Leave the house once a week and go do something for yourself. That goes a LONG way toward losing resentment.

[The Blue Knight]

Frootloop, forgive me me for this, as a wife & mom myself it is just as hard to accept, but no sex for a man will absolutely kill the marriage and yes, sex for a husband is an entitlement. There is reasonable boundaries here (childbirth, being sick, ill, occasional tiredness) but there is no man on this planet I am aware of that would accept no sex. We women can hate it all we want, but that does not change reality.

Bean, most all men desire sex with their wives, but I would never want sex with my wife if she was doing it just for me. That would be an enormous turn-off and I realize that not all men feel that way. If she's there because she wants to be, wonderful. If she's there because it's to pacify my needs alone . . . not interested.

[turnera]

I also was going to suggest the chore chart. I always suggest using a posterboard because you can pin it on the wall for all to see (and not get out of). You take turns; each one will choose what they DISLIKE THE LEAST, as you go on you get to the stuff nobody wants, but has to be done.

[turnera]

That would be an enormous turn-off and I realize that not all men feel that way. If she's there because she wants to be, wonderful. If she's there because it's to pacify my needs alone . . . not interested.

I do it just to please my husband. Why? Because when I don't, he gets really jittery, rude, and quick to anger. It keeps peace in the house. And don't tell me you don't think thousands of women do the exact same thing.

[Frootloop]

Just from discussions with my friends, I think LOTS of women do it just to keep the peace. My mom has told me about tv programs that did stories on just that. Women are pulled in so many directions now, yet they are still doing the lion's share of the domestic duties. I know this is not true for ALL men, but statistics back me up on this. There are so many women with very demanding jobs now that men HAVE TO pick up their share at home. And how can a woman in this position not be THRILLED to get into bed each night? To sleep?

 

I wish I was the kind of person who could just do it to keep the peace, but I did that for years, and after working with kids for so long, I think subconsciously I have come to the conclusion that if you reinforce bad behavior with a reward, the behavior is going to surely continue.

 

I still stand behind the idea that I have to find a way back to some peace in my household, but I cannot back down from the denial that I am being unusually cruel.

[oldshirt]

I'm just wondering if I'm the only married person out there who does not ever want to have sex and it's having a serious impact on my relationship?

 

I see lots of posts where one spouse feels deprived of sex and is trying to figure out how I get it, but I don't see a lot of posts from the other side.

 

I am the mother of three children and work a very demanding full time job. For the last two years, I have been almost angry about my husband expecting to have sex with me. When I get home, all I want is to chill out and go to sleep. The last thing I want to do us expend more energy when I'm exhausted and still have a million things to do. I don't feel like desire is going to come back to me, and I'm not sure how to deal with this. It isn't a simple issue like go on dates or watch some porn, etc. I am honestly overwhelmed and exhausted. I am also having night sweats so I suspect I'm in early menopause, but when I say early, I mean late 30's/early 40's.

 

I just find myself really sympathizing with the spouse who does not want to have sex, like to the point that it makes me angry.

 

 

I haven't read any of the replies so forgive me if this has already been said but my advice is either find a way to get unexhausted and unoverwhelmed and find a way to reconnect and share some intimacy and closeness with your husband or find a good divorce lawyer.

 

If you think you are overworked, overwhelmed and exhausted now, think how you will feel when you are a single mother and having to raise the kids and still do all the work etc by yourself while your husband is now involved with someone who does appreciate him and does make the time to be with him.

[xxoo]

I do it just to please my husband. Why? Because when I don't, he gets really jittery, rude, and quick to anger. It keeps peace in the house. And don't tell me you don't think thousands of women do the exact same thing.

 

Isn't sex enjoyable and relaxing for you, too?

 

My H and I both get snippy with each other if it has been more than a few days!

[OliveOyl]

I totally agree that sex is a big part of the marriage equation. I just wish that my husband would see that an equitable division of child care and housework is also a big part of the equation. Having no sex drive is definitely no fun for anyone involved!

 

I agree that equitable childcare and housework is part of the equation of marriage. It's important. But personally, I see it as separate from sex. I have never quite understood why people blame lack of sex on lack of housework. The two issues are entirely different in my mind. FWIW, my ex-husband *did* do enough work around the house and the chores were basically equitable but I still felt sex was a "chore" with him. The basic problem was lack of connection and insufficient sexual attraction. It had nothing to do with housework. And you yourself have said that for the first several years of your marriage, you DID (want to?) have sex even though housework was an issue. So I think while it's a valid concern, it's not the cause of your low libido for your husband.

 

Note that I said "for your husband" because while you think your libido is low all around, you may actually be ripe for an affair where you would inexplicably find your libido "wakes up."

[turnera]

I wish I was the kind of person who could just do it to keep the peace, but I did that for years

What does that mean? Did things change 2 years ago or did you always not want sex? Which is it?

[Bellechica]

Bean, most all men desire sex with their wives, but I would never want sex with my wife if she was doing it just for me. That would be an enormous turn-off and I realize that not all men feel that way. If she's there because she wants to be, wonderful. If she's there because it's to pacify my needs alone . . . not interested.

 

Sex can't be fulfilling if both don't want it. I think it's easier for women to just go through the motions because they don't have performance issues, but if either partner feels he or she has to be the constant initiator, he or she will feel resentful. Craving physical intimacy is a biological need.

 

As I said Froot, take the first steps towards reconnecting, but tell your H you want help because you want to build your intimacy back. Figure out also what you need to be aroused. I think sexual intimacy once lost, can be regained. I hope so.

[Frootloop]

We have been having the same arguments or 8 years, basically since I started working full time. For the first 6 years, we were pretty sexually active. It has only been in the last 2 years that I have found myself really exhausted and resentful to the point that I have shut down in a lot of respects.

[turnera]

Isn't sex enjoyable and relaxing for you, too?

 

My H and I both get snippy with each other if it has been more than a few days!

It's complicated. My older brother burned it into my head that sex was horrible and anyone who did it was horrible (dad left when I was 12 and brother tried to keep me from getting pregnant). Then I started dating fiance at 17, and he was dominating and make me feel horrible if I said no, but it was all about him. I was just a vessel. When I married DH at 21, he was great for me - always makes sure I'm taken care of first, goes slowly cos he knows I have issues with it. But we've been married almost 35 years and have been doing it at least twice a week for 35 years whether I want to or not. When I say no, he gets irritable, taps his foot (literally), that kind of stuff. so I just make sure he's taken care of. I've tried telling him I don't want it as much and he 'says' that's fine, but then he gets antsy again.

[Frootloop]

And, although I have almost no desire, we have had sex. We had one month recently when we literally did it every day. So I'm not saying that he has to suffer and I'm not gonna give it up, I'm just saying that I have to find a way to get around my ugly feelings because they are eating me alive.

[xxoo]

It's complicated. My older brother burned it into my head that sex was horrible and anyone who did it was horrible (dad left when I was 12 and brother tried to keep me from getting pregnant). Then I started dating fiance at 17, and he was dominating and make me feel horrible if I said no, but it was all about him. I was just a vessel. When I married DH at 21, he was great for me - always makes sure I'm taken care of first, goes slowly cos he knows I have issues with it. But we've been married almost 35 years and have been doing it at least twice a week for 35 years whether I want to or not. When I say no, he gets irritable, taps his foot (literally), that kind of stuff. so I just make sure he's taken care of. I've tried telling him I don't want it as much and he 'says' that's fine, but then he gets antsy again.

 

How did the gentle, patient 21 year old turn into the foot-tapping 50 year old?

 

We have kids, thus pregnancy and births, and H was super patient during times of no sex. That's helped to keep it positive for us for more than 20 years now. I'm grateful.

[Frootloop]

There is just no consistency to it. One month, I'll do it every night, then the next month I'll not want it at all. I think that the months when I am ready and able to give in and try to make things better are the months when my new classes are established and functioning well and during summer vacation. My times when I really get icky about it are the end of the school year when the kids are off the walls and the very beginning when I'm trying to teach them new procedures and rules. Right now I am in the last week, and I think the kids must be drinking red kool-aid before.

[turnera]

I agree that equitable childcare and housework is part of the equation of marriage. It's important. But personally, I see it as separate from sex. I have never quite understood why people blame lack of sex on lack of housework. The two issues are entirely different in my mind. FWIW, my ex-husband *did* do enough work around the house and the chores were basically equitable but I still felt sex was a "chore" with him. The basic problem was lack of connection and insufficient sexual attraction. It had nothing to do with housework. And you yourself have said that for the first several years of your marriage, you DID (want to?) have sex even though housework was an issue. So I think while it's a valid concern, it's not the cause of your low libido for your husband.

The low libido comes from resentment and Love Busters. Back when DH was actually helping take care of the house (and I'm talking fixing up the attic, building storage, fixing broken stuff, not chores), I was crazy about him and we had lots of fun - went shopping for toys and videos and stuff. But for the last 5 years, he's taken care of maybe 5 things while the house falls apart around us. Even though I ask him, and offer to help him, and do everything else I can think of, short of paying someone else to do it all, he just won't. And every day when I come home, my stress level rises. The Love Busting (in the form of refusing to help) is making me lose my love for him. I feel numb when I think of him, if anything. And most women can't have sex with a man they can't feel emotion for.

[turnera]

How did the gentle, patient 21 year old turn into the foot-tapping 50 year old?

 

We have kids, thus pregnancy and births, and H was super patient during times of no sex. That's helped to keep it positive for us for more than 20 years now. I'm grateful.

The only time my husband hasn't gotten sex is when I've had the flu. If I couldn't accommodate him, my hands did.

[turnera]

There is just no consistency to it. One month, I'll do it every night, then the next month I'll not want it at all. I think that the months when I am ready and able to give in and try to make things better are the months when my new classes are established and functioning well and during summer vacation. My times when I really get icky about it are the end of the school year when the kids are off the walls and the very beginning when I'm trying to teach them new procedures and rules. Right now I am in the last week, and I think the kids must be drinking red kool-aid before.

Which just proves that you need to do some serious talking with your husband about how things are going. Because your lack of desire for him stems directly from your level of stress and not being able to take care of everything. Why isn't he helping?

[Frootloop]

I think the early signals we're sent are what becomes most comfortable for us. For example, I was raised in a church and family where sex is for

Procreation....Masturbation is bad....sex outside a marriage is bad etc. so I can honestly say that when I was pregnant with my youngest child, when my husband was too turned off by me to have sex, I would flip out when I caught him watching porn and masturbating.y

Viewpoint was that if he really

Didn't Have a sex drive, as he claimed, then what on earth was he doing? My secondary response would be eeeeewwww! Because as I was brought up it was a sin. I certainly don't see it that way now for him, although I doubt I'll ever be alone in the house and break out the porn.

Edited May 18, 2012 by Frootloop

[Frootloop]

He isn't helping because he would rather lay on the couch and watch tv and eat a bag of chips. Seriously. He doesn't do it because he doesn't want

To. But, then again, who does?

 

I sympathize with you with your house falling apart around you. My house is the same. So many maintenance issues that need to be taken care of, and so many areas on the walls and doors where he has kicked or hit them while throwing a tantrum.

[Frootloop]

And turnera, i sooooo see what you mean about going numb. That is exactly where I am right now too.

[Bellechica]

He is acting out because he doesn't know how to handle his sexual frustration. At least he isn't cheating on you. Again, I think your in a vicious cycle. He isn't helping because he doesn't feel loved or appreciated. He has given up perhaps. You say you are having sex with him some, but he will know if you are just doing it out of wifely duty. That has to suck for him. I bet he is tired of excuses.

 

Don't keep blaming him please. Start trying to rebuild. Focus on positives and start the change.

[Frootloop]

This is what I am trying to get across...he's not doing these things because he is starved for sex. He has had temper tantrums throughout

Our entire marriage, even in the beginning, when sex was plentiful. He has anger management issues and he's always had

Them, even according to his family. If I had sex with him tonight and ten tomorrow morning he woke up and the toilet overflowed, he would have exactly same reaction.

[Bellechica]

This is what I am trying to get across...he's not doing these things because he is starved for sex. He has had temper tantrums throughout

Our entire marriage, even in the beginning, when sex was plentiful. He has anger management issues and he's always had

Them, even according to his family. If I had sex with him tonight and ten tomorrow morning he woke up and the toilet overflowed, he would have exactly same reaction.

 

I feel like your excuses keep changing, and that you're blaming him, but if this last post is the case, I think you both need MC to work it out. You have to both want to work on the M though.

[Frootloop]

I've said all along that it's the temper, the lack of support at home, and our opposing work schedules. The lady with her house falling apart was what made me bring up that my house is also falling apart around me.