Does anyone else just NOT want sex...ever?

[giotto]

I never thought about marriage and sex lasting all our lives, to be honest. I just loved my girlfriend and we got married, we got kids, the house, the cars and the pets...

 

One thing has been the biggest disappointment of my life: my marriage not turning out to be what I thought it would be. Yes, I'm a softy and a romantic, but it really hurts to think what I've been missing all my life. Maybe I'm just disappointed in my wife (actually, not maybe, I am), who has just become a different person, and I don't really know why...

 

So, my point is: people change and there's nothing you can do about it and moving on sometimes is just not an option. Trying to save the marriage is an option, though, and it should be pursued.

[xxoo]

xxoo, I've always appreciated your postings, your insights, and of course your strong female libido but I will say that I don't think most men really sit and give it a lot of thought. How can it be "naive" for instance for the 22 year old guy who has the (by all appearances) high libido girlfriend / fiance, where he's engaging in sex 4-5 times a week, only to get married and two years later, he's down to once a month because she's "not interested"? How many stories like that have we seen posted here?

 

I agree that as the relationship goes on and you add children, change jobs, move to new homes, and all those other factors come into play, things do change and as you state, "maintenance" is a big part of a successful marriage at that point. But why would a regular sex life with the person you marry and give yourself too have to change that much?

 

The OP has other issues with an angry / lazy husband that she didn't articulate in her first comments. Hers is a marriage that has some major issues and it seems all intimacy is nearly gone for her.

 

Those issues aside, if both spouses love one another, enjoy their time with one another, and they can work around all the complications that are part of life and the "change" that comes with life, I see no reason why sex can't remain fairly high on the charts.

 

To me, when sexual intimacy begins to fail, the rest of the marriage is going to slide into oblivion. Either through an unforeseen affair, or the two of you are going to end up being platonic roommates who just "ride it out" for the remainder of the marriage. Neither of those strikes me as a good option.

 

What it comes down to is this. I have just as many female friends as I do male friends. I don't need another "female friend" at home . . . although I would certainly call my wife a very close friend. I need an intimate partner who I share myself with. That's what makes our relationship unique and special. I can find female friendships just about anywhere.

 

Well, in the part I quoted, you said 10-20 years later, not 2. That makes a difference.

 

But the level of the woman's sexual desire at the time of marriage is in part related to the man's behavior at the time of marriage. He is actively wooing her. They are in the "honeymoon" period.

 

10-20 years down the road, that wooing often drops off. He's not abusive, and he's not fat, but does he treat her like he did when they were dating? If yes, there is a good chance that the sex will stay strong. If no, there is a good chance her sexual interest will drop.

[The Blue Knight]

Well, in the part I quoted, you said 10-20 years later, not 2. That makes a difference.

 

But the level of the woman's sexual desire at the time of marriage is in part related to the man's behavior at the time of marriage. He is actively wooing her. They are in the "honeymoon" period.

 

10-20 years down the road, that wooing often drops off. He's not abusive, and he's not fat, but does he treat her like he did when they were dating? If yes, there is a good chance that the sex will stay strong. If no, there is a good chance her sexual interest will drop.

I agree xxoo and sadly, a lot of guys go into "wooing retirement" after a few years of marriage. Then again, this is a chicken / egg scenario because many women become less sexually interested after the wedding (the man has been snared) and as a result the guy stops trying to woo his wife because she seems less than interested in anything sexual . . . (where the heck did the word "woo" come from anyway?).

 

I pick my wife up clothing (yes, I dress her better than she does) or gifts every couple of weeks and I still treat her like I'm dating her as much as possible. It keeps things interesting and more lively. The Book of Proverbs says that men "should remember the wife of their youth" which is a reference to keeping mindful of her beauty and wonder when you met her. Unfortunately, too many men forget the "wife of their youth" trading her in for their favorite NFL football team.

[xxoo]

My H treats me like a gf often, too. I eat it up

 

If it is reasonable for a man to expect sex to stay at the same level as when you get married, then it is reasonable for a women to expect the same treatment as when you got married. It is a challenge for both men and women to remain constant in these regards over the years.

[The Blue Knight]

I never thought about marriage and sex lasting all our lives, to be honest. I just loved my girlfriend and we got married, we got kids, the house, the cars and the pets...

 

One thing has been the biggest disappointment of my life: my marriage not turning out to be what I thought it would be. Yes, I'm a softy and a romantic, but it really hurts to think what I've been missing all my life. Maybe I'm just disappointed in my wife (actually, not maybe, I am), who has just become a different person, and I don't really know why...

 

So, my point is: people change and there's nothing you can do about it and moving on sometimes is just not an option. Trying to save the marriage is an option, though, and it should be pursued.

Unfortunate truth of human existence. If we had the crystal ball and could see what our spouse would be like in 10, 20, 30 years, I wonder how many of us would actually marry that same person? Imagine if I could invent such a gadget. I'd be an overnight billionaire!

 

My ex-wife changed as well right around year seven, and by year eight she was in a very brief affair, and it was clear to me that her values were changing. Today, she's remarried, (not to the affair individual) and very stable. She went through something that was unexplainable to me then as it is now (and probably her as well if I were to ask her), but mostly it was her personality which was weighed down with "trying to measure up" and always "needing more" and of course some hidden, and later, obvious depression issues.

It's a roll of the dice as to whether or not the person you marry today will be the same person in 10 or 15 years. Just looking at Trader, Pete, and Ninjashusband's recent postings . . . it's clear that marrying is an extremely risky venture.

[The Blue Knight]

My H treats me like a gf often, too. I eat it up

 

If it is reasonable for a man to expect sex to stay at the same level as when you get married, then it is reasonable for a women to expect the same treatment as when you got married. It is a challenge for both men and women to remain constant in these regards over the years.

Agree. It takes a bit of work and regular maintenance, and it's not always easy. But if you put that person first and give 90% and take 10%, that I believe is a formula for a healthy marriage.

[turnera]

For me, I'd rather know that my wife is interested in spending that quality intimate time with me rather than simply attempting to "sedate me" hoping to get by for three more nights.

That's an admirable goal. What women need to understand is that if men don't get it, they don't feel love. And if women don't get love, they don't want to give it. It truly is a psychological thing, probably dating back to caveman days.

 

That said, as much as it sucks, the man's drive is usually much stronger (for biological reasons, caveman days and all that), so the person who wants something most has to pay more attention to how to get the other person to want it. For women, that entails paying attention to making sure she's ok in the marriage, since she has to be feeling love for him (and not being Love Busted) in order to want to do it. Sorry, but it's the truth.

[turnera]

Please tell me he didn't expect "your hands" to be active when you had the flu?

No, I meant that has been the ONLY time he hasn't expected it. He's not a bad guy, just has bad skills, and it's half my fault for buying into it and not standing my ground on all the ways he LBs me.

[turnera]

10-20 years down the road, that wooing often drops off. He's not abusive, and he's not fat, but does he treat her like he did when they were dating? If yes, there is a good chance that the sex will stay strong. If no, there is a good chance her sexual interest will drop.

One of the key points to Dr Harley's guide to a happy marriage (His Needs Her Needs) is that the couple needs to spend 15 hours a week together doing non-work/household/child/chores stuff - in other words, keep dating. Keep having a cup of coffee together in the morning and talk. Meet up for lunch now and then and reconnect. Surprise each other with daytrips. Bottomline, keep looking at each other like you're lucky to be together.

[The Blue Knight]

That's an admirable goal. What women need to understand is that if men don't get it, they don't feel love. And if women don't get love, they don't want to give it. It truly is a psychological thing, probably dating back to caveman days.

 

That said, as much as it sucks, the man's drive is usually much stronger (for biological reasons, caveman days and all that), so the person who wants something most has to pay more attention to how to get the other person to want it. For women, that entails paying attention to making sure she's ok in the marriage, since she has to be feeling love for him (and not being Love Busted) in order to want to do it. Sorry, but it's the truth.

You make sense. No real arguments with what you said. So just curious (and you need not answer this) and no attempt to thread-jack here, but is this why you are struggling yourself at home with your husband in that area?

[The Blue Knight]

No, I meant that has been the ONLY time he hasn't expected it. He's not a bad guy, just has bad skills, and it's half my fault for buying into it and not standing my ground on all the ways he LBs me.

Okay, I just posted a question to you from a previous comment and you need not answer it since you kind of have here. So you kind of created the Franken-Husband your have on your hands today and now you feel stuck with the situation as is?

[The Blue Knight]

One of the key points to Dr Harley's guide to a happy marriage (His Needs Her Needs) is that the couple needs to spend 15 hours a week together doing non-work/household/child/chores stuff - in other words, keep dating. Keep having a cup of coffee together in the morning and talk. Meet up for lunch now and then and reconnect. Surprise each other with daytrips. Bottomline, keep looking at each other like you're lucky to be together.

Completely agree. My wife and I saw Dr. Harley and his wife about four or five years ago. Very good material. Sound logic.

[turnera]

You make sense. No real arguments with what you said. So just curious (and you need not answer this) and no attempt to thread-jack here, but is this why you are struggling yourself at home with your husband in that area?

Because I was raised to be silent and a Giver, and I grew up in a dysfunctional house where I never learned to value myself. Went from controlling brother to abusive boyfriend to insecure/controlling husband. No one ever taught me how to do anything but please/give.

[turnera]

Okay, I just posted a question to you from a previous comment and you need not answer it since you kind of have here. So you kind of created the Franken-Husband your have on your hands today and now you feel stuck with the situation as is?

I'm well aware that I can just say no. I've learned not to because I am oh so conflict-avoidant. The few times I've spoken up, he's changed some things. But previous fights have made me gun-shy.

[Frootloop]

A lot of women are taught to not engage in conflict unless they absolutely have to. And by the time you do bring it up, it's gone too far. And also by then, you're husband sees nothing wrong with a behavior that's been going on for so long uncontested.

[2sunny]

A lot of women are taught to not engage in conflict unless they absolutely have to. And by the time you do bring it up, it's gone too far. And also by then, you're husband sees nothing wrong with a behavior that's been going on for so long uncontested.

 

Well - you've stayed when he acts badly... So you have rewarded his bad behavior by making it ok - sends THAT message just by the act of staying.

 

IF you were to actually have him leave - now HAT would send a clear message that you won't tolerate his bad behavior any more.

 

But he's trained you to stay and put up with it... Sad to me.

[Frootloop]

Yes, it is a sad situation. And even sadder when I realize that with our schedules as they are, we will more than likely never work these issues out to the point that they are solved. Believe me, since opening this thread I have really opened my eyes to some of what is happening here, and I'm not sure it can be totally worked out.

[Frootloop]

I'm not the type of person who will take the attitudes indefinitely. And, lucky for me, my dad is an excellent divorce attorney should it come down to that. On top of that, I have a career, lots of great friends, and a fantastic relationship with my ex, and I know he won help if and when I said I was ready to leave.

[2sunny]

I'm not the type of person who will take the attitudes indefinitely. And, lucky for me, my dad is an excellent divorce attorney should it come down to that. On top of that, I have a career, lots of great friends, and a fantastic relationship with my ex, and I know he won help if and when I said I was ready to leave.

 

Froot - is it possible you have feelings for your exH?

[Bellechica]

2sunny, I agree. Throughout this thread her H is vilafied, but she has only said positive things about her ex. Hmmmm.

[The Blue Knight]

A lot of women are taught to not engage in conflict unless they absolutely have to. And by the time you do bring it up, it's gone too far. And also by then, you're husband sees nothing wrong with a behavior that's been going on for so long uncontested.

I understand what both you and Turnera are saying and working in LE I see women in conflict-avoidance situations all the time. It's a sad reality for many of these women. But I don't believe it's ever too late, particularly for someone like Turnera, who although she learned to avoid conflict by giving in, can certainly become more assertive about her needs. She's still a young woman by my estimations.

 

Obviously Froot, you have no problem contesting some of the issues with your husband by avoiding intimacy with him. In other words, unlike Turnera, you're not willing to just "go with the flow"

[Frootloop]

Yeah, I have to say I'm not one to go with the flow I will for a time, and then I can really dig in. It's one of my problems and I know this.

 

And no, this is not about feelings for anyone else, including my ex. The great thing about divorce sometimes is that it allows you to not have to be in a bad situation with someone, so you can still really like them as a person. Especially if it is someone you have kind of grown up with. We've always taken the stance that to be friends and get along is best for the children, and I think that is what has helped my children do well. Although our friendship has been a bone of contention in both of our marriages, so it's like you either hurt the children permanently, or you have arguments about it with your spouse. He was not a good husband, but he is a great father. All of my comments about him have related to him as a father and part of the team raising the kids.

[The Blue Knight]

Yeah, I have to say I'm not one to go with the flow I will for a time, and then I can really dig in. It's one of my problems and I know this.

 

And no, this is not about feelings for anyone else, including my ex. The great thing about divorce sometimes is that it allows you to not have to be in a bad situation with someone, so you can still really like them as a person. Especially if it is someone you have kind of grown up with. We've always taken the stance that to be friends and get along is best for the children, and I think that is what has helped my children do well. Although our friendship has been a bone of contention in both of our marriages, so it's like you either hurt the children permanently, or you have arguments about it with your spouse. He was not a good husband, but he is a great father. All of my comments about him have related to him as a father and part of the team raising the kids.

Froot, I have a similar situation with my ex where I get along fine with her, and I was cheated on quite a number of years back, and she sought the divorce a few years afterward. I never saw any point on making it a life's issue. It was what it was. I kept good communications with her and it worked out well for my kids and she and I still talk and even see each other with our spouses.

 

I'm not sure why so many people think you have a subconscious desire for a "secret affair" on the side or for that matter, with your ex. I'm not reading that at all into your posts. You're irritated and rightfully so. And angry men don't attract women. That's a universal rule most men fail to figure out.

 

Again, my first posting was before I was able to follow your thread and I had a long day at work and upon reading your comments, it lacked detail regarding his anger / laziness issues so I kind of went off on you and I'm sorry about that.

 

But we do get the occasional whiny spouse who just doesn't want sex and that is the only complaint pretty much and I don't have much patience for those people. Your situation had many more dynamics going on that you first wrote about. Normally, I read through the threads and then post, but didn't the other day. That one is on me.

[Frootloop]

BK, we have a very similar situation here. There was infidelity in my first marriage. I suspect we got married too young. We divorced years after that though. We had a rough first couple of years post-divorce, but since then we have co-parented our children in pretty much every way. We have had joint bday, first communion, and graduation parties with our kids. We talk several times a week since he travels a lot in business so he can keep up on what's happening and talk with the kids if they are driving me crazy. I think this has been the best situation for us, and I love it that that the kids can't get away with much or play us against each other

Edited May 19, 2012 by Frootloop

[standtall]

I'm not the type of person who will take the attitudes indefinitely. And, lucky for me, my dad is an excellent divorce attorney should it come down to that. On top of that, I have a career, lots of great friends, and a fantastic relationship with my ex, and I know he won help if and when I said I was ready to leave.

 

Do yourself and husband a favor and let him know what you said above..that you have a life raft if you need one. By looking and sounding serious, it may help him decide to step up his game and get it together.