Haunted by my mistakes (my story)

[ls32ssibm]

I greatly appreciate anybody who reads this. I've posted a bit on military forums about my screw-ups and how I can improve but I thought it would be better to take it to a different outlet.

 

 

So here's the story...

 

 

 

This time last year I was a completely different person. In a way, I felt like I was one of the luckiest guys in the world. I had a beautiful girlfriend that I had been dating for a few months, and I was about to make a childhood dream come true: In Jan 2011, after two solid years of jumping through the hoops and training, I had been selected for Marine Corps Officer Candidate School, which was slated to start in June of 2011. This time last year I was just saying sayonara to my job that I had held for three years prior, was gearing up, and was motivated. One of the last things I did was go to Gettysburg with the girlfriend on Memorial Day weekend before I shipped out.

 

 

Just for some elaboration, I am a huge history buff. My heroes? GySgt John Basilone, Capt. Henry Elrod, and my grandfather, a proud 87 year old WWII and Korea veteran. I had ever looked up to athletes or superheroes, but these guys and many others like them, you bet. The best part is that I was vaguely following in their footsteps. I mean, I would never consider myself a hero but I was going to serve my country to the best of the ability.

 

 

Here's the downfall of my story, so the contrast isn't too shocking;

 

I ended up crashing and burning at OCS. I had prepared physically, but the guys there who were athletes in college had a huge advantage. I had gone underweight at a meager 160 pounds, forced to carry the same amount of weight as some of the guys who were 200 plus.

 

I wasn't the WORST candidate from the get go. A guy from Harvard was sent home on day 4 or 5 for failing the initial physical fitness test. But I more-or-less became the worst.

 

 

The first hard PFT day I COMPLETED BUSTED ASS. I had a pre-ship run time of 23 minutes (3 mile run), did a 22 minute 3 mile on the initial test, but on this first day our Platoon Sgt. had us run about an 18 min 3 mile, which for me is insane. I didn't fall out. I gave it my all.

 

Following the run was about 20 minutes of hard UBD (upper body development) with various cardio activities thrown in. I did my best. When it was all said and done, I couldn't stand.

 

A Navy Corpsman walked me off the field into the hospital, which was yards away. I had succumbed to "heat stroke", with a body temperature reading of about 106. About 20 others went down that day, in the triple digit heat.

 

 

This is when things fell apart for me. Due to my injury, I missed a few days if vital training. When I returned to my platoon in full, they all had their rifles issued to them. I hadn't received mine yet. They had already learned how to drill fairly well in those few days. I had no clue.

 

 

Easily fixable, right?

 

Not so much. When I was finally given my rifle, I was unable to perform a lot of basic drill movements due to never have learned them properly. The Sergeant Instructors tormented me and singled me out every minute of every hour, and every hour of every day it seemed for three-or-so weeks strait. I had a target right in the middle of my forehead. Any correction I attempted to make was completely in vain; I was always doing something wrong.

 

 

The physical training started getting hard. Very hard. Harder than I was able to adapt. This also singled me out. I would always complete runs, but not fast enough.

 

The mental breakdown created a false reality for me. I hated it. I wanted to go home. Is that what Marines are like? They told me every day that I didn't have what it takes to lead Marines. They told me that when the boards to cut people (around week 7) start up, they were going to make sure I was put on them. I believed them.

 

 

Come week 4, you are allowed to quit. It isn't as simple as "walking out", the whole process takes a few days. But, once you quit, you can NEVER come back.

 

I had put in my request to quit. I rescinded when we got our first liberty and I was able to make some phone calls back home. Nobody wanted me to quit, but at the same time nobody really knew what I was going through. My grandfather had gone through "similar" training, but I don't think he was the Gomer Pyle of his platoon, either.

 

So, the Marine Sergeant Instructors treated me even worse when they found out I had contemplated quitting. So bad, that I had considered it again on week 6 when I had a chance to speak to my Platoon commander. This time, it was my fellow candidates who stopped me. They had said they had seen a lot of improvement in me and they agreed that a lot of flak I was catching was completely unwarranted, and suggested I report it as being "singled out" to my Platoon commander. I didn't do this since I didn't want to display further weakness.

 

Week 8 comes around. I get boarded. The reason cited was my academic average was sub-par (which it was. I admit I was slacking a bit here during the timeframes that I was under a complete mental breakdown) but the real reason was my attempts to quit the course. They questioned my commitment.

 

After being berated in front of a Major and a Colonel, and trying to give my side of the story on why I should stay, I was sent home. I didn't convince them, because truthfully I didn't WANT to stay. There were 3 more weeks to go, and 3 more boards. I just knew I wasn't going to back it anyway. I had stepped on two many toes and made too many mistakes. I missed my friends, my girlfriend and my freedom.

 

 

 

Fast forward one year. A lot has happened. My beloved "sweetheart" who wrote me letters while at OCS ended up dumping me a month after I got home because of how "I was acting" after all of it. I guess I don't blame her, but I said some nasty things to her that I regret and she didn't deserve after she broke my heart.

 

 

 

 

 

I have been unable to find "steady" employment like I had before (that's a whole story by itself), and I have severely disappointed many, many people who had been bragging about what I was doing, including my grandfather. They may not say it directly, but I can tell.

 

 

So what am I doing now?

 

 

Well, I finally wrapped up my B.A. I haven't been able to meet another girl that I would actually like to date, although that isn't my biggest concern, but being lonely sucks.

 

 

Anyway, perspective is everything. I'm trying to get back into the OCS class for this upcoming January. The thing is, it will likely be with a reservist contract since the military was recently gutted. It's a lot different, but still, I will be able to serve. I seem a little crazy for wanting to go back after all that happened, but DEEP down it's what I want. All I can do is hope that I'll be better prepared.

 

 

 

I am still haunted by all the mistakes I've made, and wonder what would have been. A lot of this is hard to think about let alone write about, but I just needed to vent in someway.

[Radu]

I've never been in the Army, but i think your Sg threw you under a bus, used you to scare up the other cadets.

 

Your gf was a b.itch, you got lucky on this one even though you don't know it yet. What if you had succeeded, you had a few kids and she left you while you were half-way around the world.

You were apart for just 8 weeks and she cracked, she didn't have what it took.

 

As for your grandfather. Old ppl are full of knowledge, but they also come from a completely different time and are very set in their ways.

It's like the generation gap squared.

If your grandfather feels that you dissapointed him, don't bother explaining anything to him.

 

This may sound selfish, but the only one you need to keep happy is you.

If you are happy, your spouse is happy because happy ppl make other ppl happy.

So keep yourself happy, and just have fun.

 

This is all the time you get on this planet, it's your choice to make it Paradise ... or Hell [some ppl can't choose and get stuck in Limbo].

[LuckyLady13]

Is32, I understand being haunted by this situation and feeling like you want to succeed where you have so far failed. The thing is...I'm having a hard time with a lot of things you said because I'm sure you didn't think being in the Marines is a picnic in the park on a sunny day but it sounds like you didn't have a really full understanding of it. Yes, people have heat stroke and go down like a ton of bricks (it's part of training) and yes, you will be berated. This is a given for the Marines. In order to be a Marine, you have to have a certain type of personality and from the way you sound from the things you said, you don't sound like you have a Marines type of personality.

 

You said you were 'forced' to carry the same weight as guys larger than you. You didn't think they would say "you're a lighter guy so you carry some lighter gear and let the bigger guys worry about the heavy gear", did you? I really doubt that you would think this would happen but at the same time your words almost say otherwise.

 

If you seriously want to try to redeem yourself by getting a reservist contract, you should still do this from a position of power and understanding. You have to carry your own weight and then some! You fall? You get up! And you keep going forward.

 

You're not crazy for wanting to accomplish this. I can kind of imagine the way you were when you came back feeling broken and beaten down and then tried to be around your ex-girlfriend. The things you said, right? Yikes. You didn't come back the same person you were when you left. What a personality change. But you have to expect to be berated for failing in the Marines. It hardens people after a while and we need strong, intelligent, smart, fully capable people in the Marines. If you can't handle being berated, you sure as heck can't handle serious situations in wartime.

 

After a year and the breakup, you still might need some time to find someone you'll really be interested in so don't sweat that. It sounds perfectly normal. Spend time with friends and family so you don't feel so lonely for now.

 

If you really feel you need to redeem yourself after the way you handled the past, do it with understanding that anything worth having is worth working so hard for. Keep pushing forward. When you look in the rear view, acknowledge your past mistakes, vow not to make them again and then look straight ahead at your future. If you keep looking in the rear view, you're gonna crash so don't spend time dwelling on what's behind you.

 

I think if you focus on getting things right this time the best you can, then you'll be in a much better position to deal with a relationship. Sounds like you need to build yourself up first as an individual. Everything else will fall into place after that.

 

Hope this helps.