Trying to move on, but can't. Still miss her.........

[doubledown]

Hi All,

 

I guess I'm trying to find some counseling and hear some stories that may give me some hope, or help me to move on.

 

Long story short: (aren't thay all long stories?

 

Started dating a girl who is the sister of a very good friend of mine last summer, his family really helped us come together. I thought we were a perfect fit, as did many other people around us. Come December we each started to distance ourselves emotionally from each other, it didn't help that we are seperated by 200 miles.

 

On Christamas she dumped me claiming that I wasn't happy, her life was very stressful, she didn't know what she wanted...

 

She started dating someone the next week, a co-worker. She is dating someone now and they've been together about as long as we were.

 

I still talk to my friend and everytime her name comes up it seems that more and more she is moving on and forgetting me. Her current R/L seems

 

I haven't really dated alot since we broke up although I try. I don't want to date someoen for the wrong reasons and hend up hurting them. I find my thought consumed with my EX every waking hour even though we have not so much as talked in 6 months.

 

I guess I just want to know if this happens alot, the "two ships passing in the night" thing. Is it that easy to forget about someone that you were in love with? Am I holding on to something that is not there and never will be again?

 

It just seems that there's no one I know that I can talk to about this anymore without looking pathetic. I want to apper strong and like I've moved on, much like she has. It just seems that everything I do now is to either make her jealous or mad or miss me.

 

I try to convince myself that it will never work, and that I'm better off w/o her, but it doesn't matter, I still picture us together wherever I go.

 

No advice is helping me, and I've been patient. I thought that by 6 months I'd be thru this. Why is it so easy for her to be over me?

 

ANy advice or similar stories?

[dreamguy]

Don't assume that just because she is with someone else she forgot about the times she had with you. She might date a hundred guys and still have flashbacks of moments spent with you when someone mentions your name. Memories don't overlap, they get stacked while remaining distinct from one another.

And you need to stop convincing yourself that it'll never work. You're only putting pressure on yourself and you'll eventually crack. Just move on with your life for now without seeking any convictions.

[lisaria]

Hi doubledown,

It has been nearly as long for me since my ex and I split. I still think about him everyday and some days I still cry. There is this sadness inside that I keep hidden from everyone that will never go away.

 

I do know that time has helped. I am able to get out of bed without crying in my pillow every morning. I can also carry on a conversation without crying or mentioning his name. My friends and family hate it when I bring him up so I've stopped talking to nearly everyone about it.

 

I am better. I just miss him so much. He was with someone else before we even split. Yeah, he was cheating but it doesn't make it any easier. It makes it harder, very much harder. I am like you. I do not understand how they can just forget us like that. I know that they have memories but it does not affect them the way it affects us. They have moved on, they don't hurt like we hurt and I cannot understand that. When you care about someone and you commit yourself to that person why do you throw them away like a used hankie and move on to the next one so easily?

 

I am going on with my life, but it is not how I pictured it was going to be thanks to him. No one really knows how much he hurt me and how much I still care. I fake it pretty good. I want someone else in my life so that it will ease the pain and loneliness a little, but I can't date someone simply for the wrong reasons either. I cannot look someone in the eye and lie like my ex did, so I don't want to lead anyone on. He did that and it is one of the most dishonest things someone can do. So I just go out with guyfriends that I've known forever and they know that we will always and only be friends.

 

I don't really know if this will help any, but I am glad I got to vent a little. Hang in there doubledown.

[doubledown]

Lisa,

 

They say things get easier with time, but in some ways it gets more difficult too. The longer you go w/o any contact, the more you realize that they have moved on and won't be coming back.

 

It's really difficult around the 6 month mark, which I just passed, because that's kind of the cutoff point where you say "if it was going to happen it would have by now". I think that at that point you start to realize that they have either moved on emotionally from you, or they still think about you, but have no plans to reconcile because it's been so long anyway, and the strength of the feelings fade, but the memories remain.

[james_1989]

hey,

me and my girl were together for 1 and half years and we broke up a couple months ago. she moved on but my feelings for her havent changed. im still so in love with her. everything i do during the day is because of her. if i call my friends i call to see if somethin new has happened with her. if i listen to music its to hear songs that we used to listen to. i dont understand how she could just move on like that, we were supposed to be together, she would always say we were meant to be. well she has a new boyfriend now and thats the worst when you know shes spending her time with this guy just like we used to spend every waking moment together. it sucks dude but you got to realize that if these chicks could just drop us like this then it just wasnt meant to be. i can live with that.

[eldslover]

ya how do people do that? how do you just throw in the gutter the person you said you loved and spent all the time in the world with? if its so easy to do it makes me feel like everything was lie, everything was fake. i dont know if anyone understands but thats how it makes me feel. i was with my girl for a year and one month when in february she told me we couldnt be together anymore. i asked why and she said we just couldnt. so ok i wasnt gonna argue or watever, it sucks maybe she just doesnt want it no more. the next day i found out she had sort of started something with someone else about a week earlier. something clicked with another guy and that was it i guess.

 

a week later i found out they didnt work out. she didnt necessarily cheat on me, but close enough. to be dumped for someone else.

 

when we first got together we promised each other we'd remain friends no matter what ever happend.(we've been friends for years throughout high school and on our second semester of college we got together)

we are trying i guess to be friends but its difficult, its difficult because i still care very much about her and wish nothing would have come between us. but no matter what happens i dont ever want her back. friends is the most we could ever be. but ever since the break up we have slept together a couple times which i dont think helped at all. the more and more we see each other which isnt much the more i miss her, even more when i see how easy she has moved on. im not sure being friends with an ex is a good idea.....

 

its just so hard to move on. wondering how she is, etc.

[tom_gbr]

im about to approach the six month point of being apart from her.....but i have the problem that we are going on holiday same time and place.....which is also the place where we first met exactly a year ago of the date we are both going,,,how **** is that.

 

i know im going to see her at some point....as the place we are going isnt exactly huge and my best mate who is going as well is still seeing my ex's best mate....who is going to.

 

i think im going to be worried all the time....worried that i could turn a corner and i could bump into her...or i might see her in a nightclub kissing some guy.

 

one thing i have been doing over the last six months is working out twice a day....the difference is amazing.....i nearly have the body that i have always wanted....i cant wait to hit the beach and for my ex to see me....to see what she has lost and cant have anymore.....to show that im stronger and better without her in some way.

 

its not that i dont miss her...i think about her everyday...and havent had any contact at all for over two months now.

 

i havent dated at all since we broke up.....got with girls in nightclubs but thats about it.

 

i just hope that i can enjoy my holiday and not have her constantly on my mind

[dreamguy]

tom_gbr,

 

I couldn't help but feel the amazing resemblance between both our stories !!

I met my ex 1 year ago on the beach and we broke up about 1.5 months ago.

The thing is, I've been training 4 to 5 times a week and I have really changed in the way I look (I was not fat but I just built some serious muscular mass).

 

i cant wait to hit the beach and for my ex to see me....to see what she has lost and cant have anymore.....to show that im stronger and better without her in some way.

Allow me to give you a glimpse into the imminent future since I've already bumped into my ex.

I was on my way to the swimming pool last Wednesday, I was going down the stairs when I suddenly saw her at a distance (of course I immediately recognized her). She had spotted me too. Then as I walked by her she pretended not seeing me. Fortunately or unfortunately (don't know) her sister, who was with her, said "hi" and I calmly replied "how is it going". Then I continued my way.

I can assure you my ex was constantly looking at me (eventhough I wasn't looking at her) and she was amazed as to how much I had changed.

Right before she left, she kept staring at me until our eyes met and she waved goodbye with her hand. I gave her a wink to acknowledge that.

To sum up, be ready to bump into your ex every second and be extremely calm and poised when/if you do. I don't care if your heart starts beating at 150 beats/min (that's what mine was doing). Just don't ever let it show !

Second, if you broke up on rather good terms (no fights, no cheating, no insults) it's ok to say "hi" with a slight smile. Just don't look too eager. If she answers you then so much for the better. If she doesn't then don't fret about it because I can assure you she will be as troubled as you, maybe more ! Remember, some people are better at hiding their emotions. It doesn't mean they don't feel anything.

You don't believe me ? Here's the proof. I told you I bumped into my ex last wednesday and she pretended not seeing me right ? Well she called me on Saturday and she said "I felt sad when I saw you on the beach that day !"

Last but not least, remember to smile once in a while to show your ex you're perfectly happy ! It will make her wonder what you've been up to.

And stop worrying, this is the first condition if you want to enjoy your time there.

[Ktzmom]

My prob. is much the same as yours, we just split 2 weeks ago today, and I feel like it happened 10 mins ago. He has too much stress in his life right now----that's the problem he keeps saying "right now". There were never any agruments or other problems in the 7 mos. I was with him. We were friends before we saw each other and he says he wants to be at very least friends (his exact words). I am sure he isn't seeing anyone else, he is just really stressed about his work, his houses(he owns rental properties and maintains them himself) and now his 17 yr old daughter may move in with him.

 

My question is am I a fool to have any hope of getting back together? It has only been 2 weeks, we've had minimal contact, I'm sure as hell not going to beg for answers now as it will only put more pressure on him, but we have talked to say hi how are you, how's your day? type things. That feels better for awhile.

 

Any ideas on how to ease the hurt? Am trying to keep busy, talking to friends helps somewhat, you know how it is, some people just don't know what to say except get over it.

 

I don't want to give up yet, he did and still does mean alot to me.

[prodigy_khaine]

edslover: im not sure being friends with an ex is a good idea.....

 

On the contrary, ex's can be great to be friends with, just make sure you establish some no-contact rule first, it helps rule out that you're bitter and cold. Removes a lot of bitterness from you, and lets your ex have some time to think about things. This worked my first ex, I ignored her for 3 months and now we're great friends...

 

Although I've only had 2 serious relationships, of which one just ended very recently, it was amazing who the first person I went to for a comforting word. Yes, my first ex.

 

Sometimes things are better at being friends. Or thats what they (as opposed to you) think. But irrespective of that, there's something we have to realise, and I just realised it tonight, after my third 2 hour conversation with my most-recent ex: no one can be forced into loving you

 

I told her all of the good things, the fun times, the times we were there for each other. Sure, she smiled, we had a laugh, it was good - but I didn't establish what I wanted. I never got her to think about giving me another chance. I know she can't tell me for certain that months down the track there's no chance of reconcilliation, but i know now that we do indeed have a good basis for a friendship.

 

Being friends again, like we were before we started going out, will show me that its not all bad, that life as we know it is going to stop. (I hope!) Sure, I'm going to be jealous as hell of the next guy that sleeps with her, but unless i intended to spend the rest of my life with her, i guess its to be expected. Do we really expect all of our ex's to move to a convent and starve themselves of sex? Would we? I don't think so.

 

Miss them sure, but accept their decision. If they see you enjoying life, they wont feel so tentative about speaking to you, expecting you to leap on them. Some things were meant to be, some weren't. Lamenting won't bring them back, nor will moping. Being over it, or even pretending you're over it, will bring them closer rather than pushing them, someone said that already tho. Getting over relationships isn't about severing all ties, its about becoming comfortable with each other. Not all relationships end because someone hates the other. Some, like mine, the flame is just extinguished.

 

As I said in another post, I get 5 weeks no contact starting today. It will give me a chance to be the most important person in my life.'

 

I don't know if I really helped anyone out there, but I helped myself.

[eldslover]

Prodigy,

 

thanks for your reply. it helps me to know that it is possible. me and my ex broke up in february, we sort of had no contact, she would call me at least once a day and i wouldnt answer or call back for just over a week. after one week she seemed pretty desperate so i called her back. i never really established or thought of having no contact with her, and i believe it was a mistake, since then the most no contact we've had is 2 days.

 

i feel it would have made a huge difference had we had no contact for over a week. but now it seems its a bit too late although i would like some time without contact. dont know.

[Marigold]

Reading these posts has really helped me - I broke up with my ex four weeks ago and regret the decision but know if I go crawling back it will set his ego on fire and he'll stomp on my heart and get back at me.

 

So, I'm getting in shape and focusing on ME. I'm trying to lose about 40 lbs. so I'll look thin, in shape and absolutely gorgeous. My weight has me feeling too insecure about myself right now to try and approach my ex.

 

I still love him dearly and would give anything to reconcile but I have to get rid of my insecurities first and working out is about the best thing I can do for myself right now.

 

Reading how you all worked out and then ran into your ex's gave me hope and a goal to work for, thanks.

[prodigy_khaine]

edslover

 

Its never really too late to initiate no contact, but like quitting smoking, you really have to wean yourself off it, you can't just give up cold turkey. I think dreamguy said it best in that you just have to go longer and longer between not contacting her, stretch 5 days into a week, into 10 days, into a fortnight, until you don't really have the desperation to contact her. (or him for the other ppl reading this)

 

Of course, like smoking, the first week is often the hardest, but contact friends, especially female friends. Realise that you can have the same amount of fun with your female friends as you used to with your ex.

 

And remember, flirt! Flirting is the most innocent past-time! Flirting is great fun, even if its with a long-standing friend, and it makes you feel great about yourself. If you're not ready to move onto another girl, don't. Its probably best you don't, being rejected or shot down in a flaming mess would do nothing for the self-esteem. And if you can't commit 100% to someone else, it's unfair on them.

 

Just go out there and have some fun. Then casually invite your ex along one day to the pub or whatever and see how things go from there. She'll surely appreciate the fact that you want to remain friends, rather than someone who still sees some hope in the relationship. By allowing her to be comfortable in your presence will let her guard down again and she may come to realise what she's missing.

 

Try to go about a month at first, if she contacts before then, then thats good. If she doesn't,get her on the phone and invite her along somewhere with your friends. Act casual, act normal. And she asks why you're all of a sudden contacting her, the answer is not "I was being a jerk and ignoring you" but rather "I've been so busy, going here, going there. Life's one big party at the moment!" If you don't feel comfortable lying, don't - you have a month to make sure its the truth when the time comes!!!

 

Just be patient. Good things come to those who wait...