Is it time to move on?

[Vote Pedro]

Ok, I've never done one of these but I could really need some outside opinion now.

 

There is this close friend that I have, whom I have feelings for, and who knows that I have feelings for him, and who has feelings for me, and who knows I know that he has feelings for me. We are friends, though, and never became physical. As the feelings grew stronger, I told him I'd like to know where our relationship is heading. He told me that the only thing he really wants is to have a relationship, what is what I want to. However, he said that's not possible for him now, because of the distance between us and him generally being scared to commit. (He has never really had a SERIOUS relationship, although he's mid-20). I got a little nervous and obsessed and sort of pressured him and told him that I couldn't go on in this in-between situation anymore, which was stupid of me He then told me that he couldn't give me anything else right now, so if that causes me sorrow we should cut ties. A day later, he freaked out and told me he couldn't stand it, and if I insisted on getting a clear answer then we should just be friends. I asked him if that's what he really wants and he said no, he wants more than friendship, but he can't give that to me right now. I relaxed and told him to take his time to think.

 

It was stupid of me to pressure him like that, but I really couldn't stand it. So I'd just like to hear your opinion if this has any future. We both want it, but he feels reluctant right now (and I do to, I'd just like to know that we'll try it out in the future). Should I wait? Or is it finally time to move on? I know everyone keeps saying "if he is not ready for a relationship, he is not ready for a relationship with YOU", which does not apply in my case, since, as I said, he's never had a relationship with anyone, really.

 

Perhaps his doubts and his hesitating is normal and all he needs is time. Which I am willing to give. I'm just scared that he won't change his mind ever anyway, in which case I'd like to protect myself from being hurt now instead of waiting and waiting and then get a huge heartbreak.

 

As I felt our relationship got even deeper after that conversation, I took some time out and avoided him. Others told me that this is exactly the wrong way of reacting, because it shows him I'm not there for him.

[january2011]

There are no guarantees.

 

If he's scared to commit, has never had a relationship before and does not feel ready to have one with you, then I'd say the odds are stacked against you.

 

And you're hesitant too. Which makes it odd that you're pressuring him.

 

One compromise is to date as romantic interests rather than hang out as friends to see if it leads to something. However, I'd be careful in case he uses the previous conversations as a disclaimer when you have the talk about 'defining' the relationship.

 

It's your call. I reiterate, there are no guarantees.

[Vote Pedro]

Yeah, it was a little inconsistent of me to freak out and make him decide NOW, as I myself have some doubts too, or rather, am a little scared. I was freaking out that day, and I know it didn't make anything easier or better; I guess it rather scares him more.

I myself wouldn't want to rush it either but rather, as you said, "see if it leads to something". I know from what I have written it doesn't seem very likely, I do have hopes however because I know how much he has changed for me. He usually runs away from situations that might be complicated, or from people who demand too much from him. With me, he always did that in spite of himself. He admitted that too. And I changed for him as well. He also told me repeatedly that he's never been as open to anyone as he is to me, so I should think that's a good start?

But yes, I'd like to think you're right and we should see where it is heading, and not try to enforce anything. Still, I am not exactly taking it easy - I'm thinking about him all the time and get nervous and insecure about the tiniest things, so I wonder if it isn't better for me to distract my mind. Maybe not necessarily "move on" but just focus on other things a bit, so, if it does not work out, it doesn't hit me that hard. I am scared of getting hurt, really. But then again, perhaps I should just talk about my insecurity? Well, I'm confused.

[january2011]

I think that's a great idea to distract yourself with something else.

 

Everyone is scared of getting hurt but sometimes you have to open up a little to allow some of the good stuff in. You took a chance and it's okay. It may or may not turn out the way you want it to, but at least you wouldn't have to live with the regret that you never said anything.

 

If it makes you feel any better, perhaps you can just send him a message just to say that you apologise for your freak out, that you do like him but you're going to give him some time and space to think about things. Then give him that time and space. But be prepared that he might come back to you and say that he just wants to remain friends.