Should I End A 20 Year Friendship

[LILACLADY73]

I'M CONSIDERING ENDING MY FRIENDSHIP WITH MY BESTFRIEND. WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR 20 YEARS SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL. WE USE TO BE THE BEST OF FRIENDS WE USED TO HAVE FUN WE USE TO TRAVEL ALOT BUT NOW I FEEL WE ARE GROWING APART WE USE TO SHARE EVERYTHING NOW SHE KEEPS ALL KINDS OF THINGS FROM ME. SHE HAS BECOME A BIG MYSTERY TO ME I HAVE TO FIGURE THINGS OUT ON MY OWN ABOUT HER BUT I STILL SHARE EVERYTHING WITH HER.

 

I HAVE GONE ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY TO BE A FRIEND TO HER I LET HER LIVE WITH ME CAUSE SHE DIDN'T HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE THEN I MOVED HER MOTHER AND SISTER AND BROTHER IN WITH US BECAUSE THEY WERE HOMELESS.

 

NOW WHEN I NEED HELP OR TRY TO HELP HER OR JUST ASK HER SOMETHING I GET NOTHING BUT ATTITUDE FROM HER WHICH ENDS UP IN A BIG ARGUMENT.

 

THEN SHE MEET THIS GUY ONLINE AND THEY HAVE BEEN TALKING FOR MONTHS I JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT SHE NEVER TOLD ME I FIGURED IT OUT BY MYSELF.

 

OUR FRIENDSHIP HAS BEEN DYING FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS I GUESS NEITHER ONE OF US WANTED TO LET IT GO BUT I'M FED UP WITH HER AND I'M READY TO LET IT GO. WHAT SHOULD I DO SHOULD I LET IT GO I REALLY DON'T HAVE MANY FRIENDS. OR TRYING TO WORK IT OUT.

[Fayebelle]

It sounds like you are already growing apart. You don't have to "break up" with her since it's not as though you have had an argument or anything. A lot changes in 20 years and the fact that you have stayed friends this long shows you have a true bond. It may just be moving on from the constant contact stage. Touch base every few months and holidays but accept that there will now be things you don't know about each other's every day lives. My Best Friend from high school and I talk like this and although there isn't constant contact we are still good friends. I didn't always meet her new BFs but I was the 3rd person she called when she got engaged; and when we have big probs we always know we can turn to each other.

[Midnight Magic]

I too feel your pain, it seems people sometimes drift apart even when you have done everything in your power to see that things don't go that way.

 

I had a friend of ten years, I considered her my true friend, and she jeopardized the relationship and so I guess it was just not meant to be.

 

I was there through all her breakups, and when she had her five kids (she is only 25) and I helped her when she needed a place to stay when her boyfriends had kicked her out in the cold, I was there when she was broke and hungry, and when her kids had no diapers and no food, I was there each and every time. And I wanted to help her, because that is the kind of person that I am.

 

Now she resents me because I have made some better choices in life than she has.

She is blaming me that I have such a better life than she does.

But this has not always been the case. I too have gone through some tough times.

She just does not get it.

 

SO I have severed the ties, and I am sorry that I had to do that.

 

It is her loss, not only mine.

I tried and went over and above what most friends would have done.

 

Kariah.... you just have to grow up and learn that some people make the right choices in life and some don't.

Why blame me for things that are not my fault. Is it my fault that I have a better job that what you want, is it my fault that I have worked hard and I own my SUV, is it my fault that I have a nice house to live in, I have worked hard for all these things, so why am I the bad one here. Remember I am 35 and you are only 25 you too will have these things if you work hard, and you keep out of abusive relationships and stop having children with men that you think love you, then when they find out that you are pregnant they leave you. You have had four children by four different men, some of which you had known for only hours. PLEASE GROW UP!!!

 

Remember I too was in abusive relationships many of them, I have lived with alcoholics and drug addicts too, who beat me up and who put me in the emergency ward at the hospital, you know this, you were there too,

but I made a choice not to be apart of it, and yes I have a boyfriend now, who is the best thing that has happened to me. And sure we have our problems who doesn't.

 

KARIAH!!!

I will always be your friend, you know that, anytime you need a friend you know where I am. That is what our friendship means to me, BUT PLEASE STOP RESENTING AND BLAMING FOR THINGS THAT I HAVE, THAT YOU WANT.

 

Give me a call sometimes, life is too short.

I never did anything to KILL our friendship.

[honey2005]

20 years is a long time. Maybe you should try to work out your problems, and if you do things might get more like they used to be. A friendship that has lasted 20 years seems worth way to much to just throw away. Talk to her about how you feel and see how things go from there.

[TreeHugger]

I'm sorry to hear that your friendship is strained...and possibly ending. Have you talked with her about your concerns? Maybe she is unaware that she is pulling away?

 

I have gone through the same thing with an old friend of 20 years.

What I have learned is that relationships have a "life-death-life" nature, or cycle about them (when I say "death" I do not mean in the literal sense, more of the emotional sense). Today our friendship is at a different level, more supportive than ever before, and much healthier communication. The tough times were tough, but the past few years have been good. Of course it is nothing like it used to be...we talk weekly now rather than daily

 

I read a fantastic short story that explained "life-death-life" nature of relationships (Women Who Run with Wolves...forget the author at this time...sorry), and I have found it to be true.

It seems as people grow and mature, they need to break old ties in order to feel they have the space to grow. Once they have experienced the change that they seem to need in their life, a door will open to rekindle the relationship.

 

(Hmmm...just a thought...it sounds as if you were the giver in the relationship and she was the needy one??? Maybe she does not need anything??? Hmmm...just a thought...)

 

You sound like a great supportive, and loyal friend. I am sure that when she is out in the world she will eventually miss your friendship, need some advice or just a tender ear to listen...she will contact you.

 

Good luck...

[ThisGirlNameKD]

The friends that you are as kids and teens may not be the same friends you'll be as adults. As adults your personality changes, and if that was the things that binded the both of you together, you can expect the relationship to change when personalities change. I don't feel you have to let her go all together. Just keep in contact with her from time to time.