paperboy48 Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Mywife of 10 years (16 years together) and I separated a few months ago. The dust has settled now, our house is up forsale, she has a new house and we are now legally separated. We also have two children. The separation washer call, we were both at fault but it was her call. My wife is a very flirtatiousperson and attracts people and loves to party. I know she will find someone thissummer (whether it be a relationship or a just a fling or two). It is killing me to think of her having sexwith another man. I think she can’t wait to jump in bed with another guy andthat kills me. She has a very strong libidoand I regret now that I wasn’t more adventurous and attentive to her sexually. Mywife and I had a decent sex life, I know she enjoyed it, given what shehas told her friends and having been with her. I just wish I had been more attentive than Iwas to her and more adventurous. I could have done more to please her. Now, I look at this as she will hook up witha guy who will satisfy her more than I did and I am thinking she will look atthat and think of me and say to herself this is what I needed. Excruciating pain – how do you not think about your ex having sex with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Excruciating pain – how do you not think about your ex having sex with someone else? 1. you remember the horrible stuff she put you through, and suddenly she's not so attractive 2. you take a lover yourself and level the playing field in your mind 3. you remember that sex is smooshing privates together for a brief time - the world keeps on spinning, we eat, we poop, we fart, and ultimately die. It's peanuts in the big picture. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 What was the essence of the breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
Author paperboy48 Posted May 16, 2012 Author Share Posted May 16, 2012 What was the essence of the breakup? Long story - my wife started losing a lot of weight (working out, etc), paying a lot more attention to her looks than she ever did before. I think I got intimated by all of that, so I started paying less attention to her, wanting to spend more time with friends. I did become a little emotionally abusive because I think I felt threatened by her losing a lot of weight, focusing on her looks. She even got her belly pierced. So, as she was going through a phase of needing attention from the opposite sex, I reluctantly did the opposite like a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 My wife is a very flirtatiousperson and attracts people and loves to party. Red flag #1 I know she will find someone thissummer (whether it be a relationship or a just a fling or two). It is killing me to think of her having sexwith another man. I think she can’t wait to jump in bed with another guy andthat kills me. Well if you think that, then she is obviously giving you a reason to think. Maybe its time to think about getting a better woman? I know that is probably furthest from your mind, but dude, let me tell you, it was for me too. Then I got out and starting dating and my x-wife couldn't have mattered less to me. She has a very strong libidoand I regret now that I wasn’t more adventurous and attentive to her sexually. Mywife and I had a decent sex life, I know she enjoyed it, given what shehas told her friends and having been with her. I just wish I had been more attentive than Iwas to her and more adventurous. If thats all it takes for her to stray is you aren't as adventurous as she'd like, then she isn't worth your time. Marriage is not for the weak and selfish. I could have done more to please her. Now, I look at this as she will hook up witha guy who will satisfy her more than I did and I am thinking she will look atthat and think of me and say to herself this is what I needed. Excruciating pain – how do you not think about your ex having sex with someone else? Why do I get this feeling now that this is someone posing as a potential BS to push a point of, "if they cheat you only have yourself to blame"? No relationship is perfect, and anyone that has to break their back to keep someone with cheating in their character to not cheat, well sorry, thats not love. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Long story - my wife started losing a lot of weight (working out, etc), paying a lot more attention to her looks than she ever did before. I think I got intimated by all of that, so I started paying less attention to her, wanting to spend more time with friends. I did become a little emotionally abusive because I think I felt threatened by her losing a lot of weight, focusing on her looks. She even got her belly pierced. So, as she was going through a phase of needing attention from the opposite sex, I reluctantly did the opposite like a fool. I'd say she is cheating. All the signs are there. I think you need to consider that your life would be MUCH better if you get rid of her. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 paperboy48- own your 50% of the failing, but let her own HER 50% of the failing. Sounds to me like she was already going into a narcissistic descent, and it just galled her that you weren't coming along for the ride. Don't let her own self-absorption cloud the the fact that she's canning 16 years. Link to post Share on other sites
brokendreamz Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 I feel for you mate. I went through this and it's possibly the most awful part of the breakup. You get through it in the end. Just remember everyone does. I used the pain as fuel to improve myself - I had a lot of hang ups that I confronted by saying to myself that 'nothing could possibly be as bad as this pain!' It's ****ed up but time is the best healer. I'm 15 months out (feels like yesterday still) and the pain is way less than it was. I just heard she's marrying the bloke she left me for. I felt a little sick, but it didn't last long, i think that if I'd heard that sooner I would not have handled it so well!! Try to keep contact to a minimum (obviously that'll be tricky due to the kids) and focus on YOU. Can someone have the kids for a week while you take yourself away somewhere to get your head together?? I do remember watching 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' which in a painful way, did help!! Good luck mate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wheream_i Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Excruciating pain – how do you not think about your ex having sex with someone else? I think we all know exactly what that feels like here. It's a sickening feeling. There's always the woulda, coulda, shoulda aspect. You wish you would've paid more attention to her in bed, now you're afraid someone else is doing that. I wish I hadn't cheated on my ex when I had everything I wanted in her. Too late now. She's out there looking for the one who will treat her like a queen. She gave me another chance but I moved away to further my career instead of giving us a chance. Now I can't stand the thought of her throwing her head back in ecstasy with someone else. Or her dressing up in heels and fishnets for him the way she did for me. Or running her hands through his hair as he pleases her orally... Anyway, I digress. What I'm getting at is, what's done is done. Sometimes going out and doing what you think she's doing is enough but that feeling won't last. When you're at home alone, she'll be out partying, eating up all the male attention she's getting and deciding which one of those guys she's going to take home. I wish I had better things to say but that's just the way our minds work. Just know you're not the only one out there. Link to post Share on other sites
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Long story - my wife started losing a lot of weight (working out, etc), paying a lot more attention to her looks than she ever did before. I think I got intimated by all of that, so I started paying less attention to her, wanting to spend more time with friends. I did become a little emotionally abusive because I think I felt threatened by her losing a lot of weight, focusing on her looks. She even got her belly pierced. So, as she was going through a phase of needing attention from the opposite sex, I reluctantly did the opposite like a fool. There's got to be more to in than her wanting to improve her looks and feeling confident about it. She lost weight=-good for her. She got her belly pierced; even better; something she wanted to do for herself. After having kids, she deserves to have something for her. You neglected her; she had enough of that. Link to post Share on other sites
brokendreamz Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 There's got to be more to in than her wanting to improve her looks and feeling confident about it. She lost weight=-good for her. She got her belly pierced; even better; something she wanted to do for herself. After having kids, she deserves to have something for her. You neglected her; she had enough of that. Blimey! Kick him while he's down then!! Sounds like he knows where he went wrong and will learn the harsh lesson that most of us here have had to learn. What I will say though is it's NEVER the fault of one party. There's ALWAYS 2 people in it. Life and love suck sometimes. I'm sure you can offer some advice other than what you have written.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 One funny thing - see the movie "High Fidelity". there's a funny bit where the protagonist imagines all the hot steamy sex that his ex-girlfriend is having with the new guy. Of course, the joke is, the reality is nowhere NEAR as steamy as he has it running in his own tortured mind. Link to post Share on other sites
robkris8079 Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 One funny thing - see the movie "High Fidelity". there's a funny bit where the protagonist imagines all the hot steamy sex that his ex-girlfriend is having with the new guy. Of course, the joke is, the reality is nowhere NEAR as steamy as he has it running in his own tortured mind. Ha! I am thinking about my first post break up sex. Wow what and awkward, strange, uncoordinated experience! But me knowing my ex will be having sex with someone doesn't bother me. I have mentioned this in several threads. It actually just reinforces that I too will be having sex with other people. Well I am actually. It's new, it's wonderful, it's exciting! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 16, 2012 Share Posted May 16, 2012 Blimey! Kick him while he's down then!! Sounds like he knows where he went wrong and will learn the harsh lesson that most of us here have had to learn. What I will say though is it's NEVER the fault of one party. There's ALWAYS 2 people in it. Life and love suck sometimes. I'm sure you can offer some advice other than what you have written.... Oh, good gravy, this wasn't meant to kick him while he's down; it just seems that he's upset that she did something to improve her looks; something she needed for herself. someone called this 'narcissistic', I believe. Best I can say to the OP---things are NEVER the way we make them out to be. We are our own worse enemy when it comes to that. She probably can't find a date. Also.....how do you know she's not worried about YOU finding someone? It does go both ways and you both have a history together; feelings are bound to come up. Imagination is just that....Imagination; it's fabricated in your head. You are thinking about things you think are happening but most likely are not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 Good points, Bewitched. I used the term "narcissistic" but yes, there could be insecurities as well. I concede on that. But your reply is spot-on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 Good points, Bewitched. I used the term "narcissistic" but yes, there could be insecurities as well. I concede on that. But your reply is spot-on. I think the OP should get an apartment like that guy in the movie "Under the Yum Yum Tree":) Link to post Share on other sites
Author paperboy48 Posted May 17, 2012 Author Share Posted May 17, 2012 Thanks everyone - I think this helped, I think 1 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 I think the OP should get an apartment like that guy in the movie "Under the Yum Yum Tree":) Jack Lemmon fan, Bewitched? OK, I think you n' I need to get together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 Not currently going through a breakup but originally came to LS because of one and know the feeling...thinking about my ex doing ANYTHING with another woman that he did with me, made my stomach knot up, made me want to throw up and made my blood boil. I don't think there is much you can do about that reaction, except force yourself to not mull over what they're doing and with whom. It takes a while for you to naturally get to a point where you no longer consider this person yours....that's just how it is. During the early stages you still feel like they "belong" to you and them being with anyone else feels like a betrayal, but all you can do is really try to focus on other things and not spend time worrying about their sex life that YOU are imagining. It makes no sense. They may or may not be having sex, it may or may not be great...you can't know and it doesn't help you. It's best to be ignorant about what your ex is doing in that regard and try to focus on other things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lynbetz Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 You are obviously not over her! You need to try and win her back! Do what it takes and use as many tactics as you can to get her back! Link to post Share on other sites
ToyWithMe812 Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 Mywife of 10 years (16 years together) and I separated a few months ago. The dust has settled now, our house is up forsale, she has a new house and we are now legally separated. We also have two children. The separation washer call, we were both at fault but it was her call. My wife is a very flirtatiousperson and attracts people and loves to party. I know she will find someone thissummer (whether it be a relationship or a just a fling or two). It is killing me to think of her having sexwith another man. I think she can’t wait to jump in bed with another guy andthat kills me. She has a very strong libidoand I regret now that I wasn’t more adventurous and attentive to her sexually. Mywife and I had a decent sex life, I know she enjoyed it, given what shehas told her friends and having been with her. I just wish I had been more attentive than Iwas to her and more adventurous. I could have done more to please her. Now, I look at this as she will hook up witha guy who will satisfy her more than I did and I am thinking she will look atthat and think of me and say to herself this is what I needed. Excruciating pain – how do you not think about your ex having sex with someone else? Dude, you must be delirious. While you have been out throwing papers the milkman has been delivering the milk. Get serious, my god man, you are going to have to face it sooner or later. How can anyone be that naive, and believe me man, my heart goes out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
BewitchedandBothered Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 Jack Lemmon fan, Bewitched? OK, I think you n' I need to get together. Loooooves me some Jack Lemmon!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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