Is elopement rude?

[Star Gazer]

Just what the question asks. If your family and friends are looking forward to helping you celebrate by participating in/going to a traditional wedding for you, but you have no interest in all of the work/drama/pressure/COST/etc. associated with planning and throwing a wedding, is eloping instead "rude"?

 

Or put another way, is a wedding really just about the couple getting married? Or is it more of a family affair, seeing as you're blending/merging families?

 

Which is more of a priority?

[Pyro]

Unless they plan on funding the wedding for you then it really shouldn't matter what the family feels about it.

 

A wedding is between two people and that is top priority.

 

Something you want to tell us?

[bean1]

No.

 

A wedding is an exchange of vows between a couple (and their deity, if applicable).

 

The rest of it is details that you can give or take. I for one cannot stand weddings and the drama of them, so elopement it is.

[Star Gazer]

Something you want to tell us?

 

Ohhhh, just posing a question.

[TaraMaiden]

I had both.

I prefer the latter.

[Pyro]

Well here is an early congrats to you.

 

:bunny::bunny:

[Star Gazer]

I had both.

I prefer the latter.

 

Ha! Which is the latter?

[TaraMaiden]

I had both.

I prefer the latter.

 

I meant to clarify -

the big whole ceremonial shebang, whistles & bells, and the quiet, understated intimate and very quick version....

 

- and then, the above comment.

[Ursa]

To my own mind, our wedding was about the unification of us and our little family (including stepdaughter), not really a more widespread family event, not a fancy party for friends, coworkers, every relative we could think of. I would have loved to have eloped, honestly--in our situation, it wasn't really an option due to kids, and also because I knew eloping would hurt my mother.

 

To keep kids and parents happy, we went with what we considered the "next best": very small, very intimate, immediate family only--we're talking twelve people. Relatives performed the ceremony and took the photos. We wrote our own vows, we had a picnic on a small private beach in a National Forest. It was casual and easy, and the gorgeous scenery kept it romantic. We brought gourmet cheesecakes, a crate of champagne. My husband and father grilled on the beach. I wore jeans, a white tunic, silver sandals.

 

Even for something so small and deliberately crafted to be stress-free, there was a fair amount of planning and some stress and drama involved. I am not a type to embrace that, and I know there's no way I would have handled the stress of a large, detailed formal event well, particularly if I felt I were being pushed into it against my own will. There were still a few people who had negative opinions, who expressed disappointment at our choices not to put on a huge expensive reception etc...and in my opinion they were the rude ones. One friend was deeply offended that we were having a family-only affair, she effectively had a hissy and made it all about her, and that caused a rift which has not healed to this day--so obviously she saw it pretty differently than I do and did feel we were rude, but I came to realize that perhaps it was better to see another perspective on our friendship dynamics more clearly, even though it hurt me at that time. I don't regret at all choosing to go with what was best for my husband and myself.

 

In the end I was willing and ultimately happy to compromise somewhat to avoid hurting immediate family, but I wasn't willing to compromise a lot to mollify swathes of extended family or self-absorbed "friends". If that was rude, then so be it. The vast majority of our friends and family understood and were simply happy for us. My wedding is a beautiful, pleasant memory that I actually got to enjoy as it was happening--I have seen so many stressed out, frazzled brides struggling to hold it together as others snickered behind their backs about bridezillas.

 

For whatever it's worth, I have had a few friends who eloped, and I always understood why they did it and never felt it was a bad decision on their part. I didn't presume to think their wedding day had much of anything to do with me, I was just pleased they were happy and had carried off such a huge day with so little stress and pain. Again, however, each and every one of those friends did experience some degree of negative family pressure.

[shorty7]

I think it really depends on the appropriate level and understanding of the family. It's your wedding, so your comfort level should matter most.

 

I'd prefer a smaller wedding. Much more meaningful and intimate.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Have you been watching "The Real Housewives of Orange County" again?

[TigerCub]

Although I do believe that a wedding obviously comes down to the couple getting married and their celebration of their love, I think that its still a very nice thing to do it so that it involves the family and those that really look forward to celebrating that day with the couple.

 

I know that my mom would want me to have a wedding (if I ever got married) and I just know how much she craves it and how much it means to her, so although the big hoopla is not something I really care about, I would still do it, because I know that it would mean so much to her.

 

So basically, if I eloped, I think it would be "rude" or a bit mean, because I would be doing that knowing how much she wanted it and just dismissing that - after all she's done for me in my life, I think that would come off as ungrateful...but that's just me...I dunno, I'm rambling and possibly channelling my mom right now

[Star Gazer]

Have you been watching "The Real Housewives of Orange County" again?

 

Ha! I have, but I must have missed something? Did someone elope?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Ha! I have, but I must have missed something? Did someone elope?

 

Yes, the abominable Vicky's daughter Brianna eloped, and you better believe that Vicky finds this to be a terrible trespass upon her personal sovereignty over all the people she has ever encountered in her life - ESPECIALLY her daughter. Whoo-hoo, is she pissed.

 

Does watching the Real Housewives make me a shallow person?

 

Oops - sorry! Off topic!

 

 

I do NOT think that elopement is rude. You would want to consider the feelings of your mom or others very close to you when disclosing it to them, but I truly believe that it is the business of the couple how they choose to tie the knot, as long as they are adults.

[sweetjasmine]

I view weddings as a blending of families, but I don't consider elopements to be rude at all. Weddings are deeply personal (or should be), so if an elopement is what works best for the couple, then that's the end of it. What they're comfortable with should be the priority.

 

That being said, I think it's usually best for couples to be a little bit flexible and a bit willing to compromise. Close family might be hurt by being excluded, and I think Ursa's wedding is a nice example of a compromise.

 

On the other hand, you don't want to be too accommodating. The more time I spend planning mine, the more I wish we had opted for a bbq in the damn park.

[d'Arthez]

Sometimes it is the sane thing to do for the couple. This can be the case when either the OC (Organizing Committee) is impossible, or when you have to deal with divorced parents who maintain an armistice that can easily escalate in full blown nuclear warfare. Sometimes it is simply not worth it to stick to tradition.

[hotgurl]

no it is not rude. What is rude is eloping and than expecting presents.

 

I had a smallish wedding which was perfect for me. I am very close to my family so personally I would never elope. But there was no drama and it was very nice.

[Star Gazer]

Yes, the abominable Vicky's daughter Brianna eloped, and you better believe that Vicky finds this to be a terrible trespass upon her personal sovereignty over all the people she has ever encountered in her life - ESPECIALLY her daughter. Whoo-hoo, is she pissed.

 

Oh no! You spoiled it for me!!! But I will still watch!!!

 

Does watching the Real Housewives make me a shallow person?

 

Duh, and me too. Along with The Bachelorette!

 

I do NOT think that elopement is rude. You would want to consider the feelings of your mom or others very close to you when disclosing it to them, but I truly believe that it is the business of the couple how they choose to tie the knot, as long as they are adults.

 

I was thinking, a wedding blends the couple, a marriage blends the family. How we live in our marriage, and our efforts to blend our family, in our marriage, will mean more than the wedding.

 

Or maybe not.

 

My thoughts on this are evolving.

[shorty7]

A marriage blends the couple, a wedding blends the family.

 

fixed. IMO, A marriage is between the couple, not the families. The only time a family really needs to be involved during the whole "marriage" process is for them to show up at the wedding, so I find it backwards to think that the couple's marriage is what blends the families and then the wedding being the bond for the couple.

[Star Gazer]

fixed. IMO, A marriage is between the couple, not the families. The only time a family really needs to be involved during the whole "marriage" process is for them to show up at the wedding, so I find it backwards to think that the couple's marriage is what blends the families and then the wedding being the bond for the couple.

 

Hmmm. Good point.

[pink_sugar]

You know, my H and I considered elopement because we knew no one would approve of me getting married at 19 and a few didn't approve of us being together period. That said, a few years later, those select few STILL treat us that way. We changed our minds and decided to have a real wedding after attending his brother's and wanted the real deal. However, unlike his half brother, we have a lot of drama in our families. I really wanted the dream wedding and when several things went wrong (dad and brother left the wedding early, H's mom controlled the wedding events, we were rushed through eating and all our photos) I think it would have been better to spend that money on a lavish honeymoon for a few weeks after being hitched. Most of the relatives are ones we aren't close with and my family is rather small. I think for our vow renewal we're going to keep it small and to the people closest to us. I want to share our vows without all the pressure and drama, but at the same time share with a few close people. The bonding of vows is between the couple and for the couple. Who you want to share that with is your choice.

[Star Gazer]

Say you go with something super intimate, like 10 people.

 

Even if you have a small dinner of 10 people, if they know it's wedding related, and not just a "family dinner," the cost goes through the roof. And it's not like you can lie about what the dinner is... Girl in white, attention focused on the couple, toasts... Gah.

[Ursa]

I have to disagree, shorty. Perhaps our experiences are very different.

 

In my own marriage, our families are frequently involved with us and with each other. There is family blending at holiday festivities, at events for the kids. Birthday parties, school concerts, sleepovers with cousins, housewarming parties, massive Thanksgiving dinners and Easter egg hunts. We rely on family to babysit in an emergency, just as they rely on us. We back the business plans of one sister, and help take care of a sick, elderly aunt. The long years of the marriage involve a lot of dinners and holidays with in-laws, and the slow cinching together of the families is almost tangible, almost audible. Roots are growing everywhere.

 

The wedding day, IMO, was meant to symbolically, and romantically, bind the two of us as family so that the rest of the slow growing together of our lives and extended families could begin to occur throughout our marriage.

[sweetjasmine]

Say you go with something super intimate, like 10 people.

 

Even if you have a small dinner of 10 people, if they know it's wedding related, and not just a "family dinner," the cost goes through the roof. And it's not like you can lie about what the dinner is... Girl in white, attention focused on the couple, toasts... Gah.

 

You could simply say it's a dinner. There'd be no need to specify the occasion and no need to lie about it. It'd be ridiculous for the vendor to charge more when they see you show up in a white dress...

[hotgurl]

Say you go with something super intimate, like 10 people.

 

Even if you have a small dinner of 10 people, if they know it's wedding related, and not just a "family dinner," the cost goes through the roof. And it's not like you can lie about what the dinner is... Girl in white, attention focused on the couple, toasts... Gah.

 

why would the vendors know. You set the price prior to the event anyways. I paid 50% at booking the rest at the event per the contract. Unless you are dealing with skeazy vendors. My tent rental guy charges the same amount for tents, tables etc.. regardless of the event.