Author Star Gazer Posted May 17, 2012 Author Share Posted May 17, 2012 why would the vendors know. You set the price prior to the event anyways. The vendors I'm aware of charge different/higher prices for anything wedding related, whether that be catering/restaurant, photography, etc. They specifically ask what type of event it is, and make clear that their rates are different for weddings. I have no idea why that is. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 (edited) Just what the question asks. If your family and friends are looking forward to helping you celebrate by participating in/going to a traditional wedding for you, but you have no interest in all of the work/drama/pressure/COST/etc. associated with planning and throwing a wedding, is eloping instead "rude"? Or put another way, is a wedding really just about the couple getting married? Or is it more of a family affair, seeing as you're blending/merging families? Which is more of a priority? I think in America, especially nowadays, people make marriage more individual and about the couple as some island that it's only about them and their love; and not surprisingly, America also has one of the highest divorce rates in the world. I am more of the school and also originally from a part of the world where marriage is about blending families as well as romantic love between two people. This way, people have the support of a community, which actually helps to sustain them and the relationship better than when they are an insular unit. There has to be a balance IMO between the couple as a partnership and their partnership as also a part of a larger unit of family and community. With that said, for me, my relationship is two-fold, it's about me and my man, as well as my man becoming a part of my family and I his. Our kids will be related to his family by blood and vice-versa. These are people I need to get a long with and hopefully like, for a happier married life. So that answers what I think a wedding is about. It's about sharing and solidifying our commitment to become a married couple AND joining our families. I don't think anyone should be pressured to spend more than they want or have an elaborate wedding, but for me personally, I can't see myself eloping. I would simply have to be selective about who I invite. It's not really rude to elope per se....but I personally would not, just based on my views of it. But it is a personal decision. Edited May 17, 2012 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 Ohhhh, just posing a question. :eek: Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 No, I don't consider elopement rude. I think that weddings and marriage should be about the couple and not the families. There's enough stress without people trying to 'muscle in' on the couple's happy day. I think that the most important thing is that whatever you decide to do, your fiance agrees. Not their mother, father, brother, sister, favourite teacher, etc. Your fiance. Link to post Share on other sites
shorty7 Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 I have to disagree, shorty. Perhaps our experiences are very different.Well, for one thing, I have yet to be married, so there's obvious naïveté on my part for sure. I'm all ears. I don't mind disagreement; I like listening to other people's experience/opinions. In my own marriage, our families are frequently involved with us and with each other. There is family blending at holiday festivities, at events for the kids. Birthday parties, school concerts, sleepovers with cousins, housewarming parties, massive Thanksgiving dinners and Easter egg hunts. We rely on family to babysit in an emergency, just as they rely on us. We back the business plans of one sister, and help take care of a sick, elderly aunt. The long years of the marriage involve a lot of dinners and holidays with in-laws, and the slow cinching together of the families is almost tangible, almost audible. Roots are growing everywhere. The wedding day, IMO, was meant to symbolically, and romantically, bind the two of us as family so that the rest of the slow growing together of our lives and extended families could begin to occur throughout our marriage. I would have to agree, that this is the ideal example/function of a marriage to bring two families together into a communal group. It's just that I can't entirely put myself in that mentality since my ENTIRE family is in a different country altogether across an ocean. My boyfriend's family is very close and function like yours. In many ways, I do see what you described with his family; minimum of 20 relatives showing up at high school graduations, 100+ people family reunions at parks, big quinceñeras, etc. If I were to get married with him and we eloped, I would likely disappoint those people I see at reunions each year simply because they treat me like family already. But these tías were the people asking us when we were getting hitched when we were barely dating for a year! These people just can't have enough excuses to see each other, weddings being their favorite, it seems. So would I be pissing off these people if I said I wanted a 50 person wedding? You bet my ass they would be. But I would have to agree to disagree with your explanation of marriage in that two families should be obligated to be married to each other; in my case especially since it would be a logistical nightmare of flying my relatives over the Pacific for 11+ish hours. Not to mention I only see my family folk every once in 7 years (current average so far). So to sum up, Ursa, your description and example of "family" and what important role marriage plays seem awfully nice. It just won't apply to my family as I didn't grow up with that kind of connection with my blood relatives. Hence why I'm not too attached to an idea that the wedding ceremonies should be constructed to make the marrying families happy. A "typical" American / traditional wedding would only cause me, the bride, immense emotional turmoil on top of expenses having to fly everyone in. Certainly not the way I'd want to start my new life with someone I want to spend the rest of it with. So to each its own. A certain amount of compromise should be considered in any situation. In my circumstance...well arguing about it now certainly isn't going to help; I'm not engaged yet. (btw thank you for sharing your wedding experience; your ceremony sounds lovely) ugh, my head hurts NOW to think of a wedding for myself, I can certainly empathize with people wanting to elope! To me, eloping is a situation of marrying against the will of either both or one family. That's not the case in my situation, so in my personal argument for my opinion, it's a question of whether to have the big princess wedding against my preference to appease his family or have the small intimate wedding I want and can afford and have a few disgruntled in-laws that live 250~6000 miles away deal with their bitterness against me in private. *shrugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Highness Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 You're like me, to those of us mid 30s little family, its a choice. But I can tell you that for most of my friends (also mid 30s but with big ethnic family) its not about them its about their family. Ill give u a particular example that angers me right now. One of my best friends is oldest of ten lebanese catholics. She finally met someone so now a big wedding is expected. Problem? He doesnt know who his father is and his mother is a lesbian dating a 25yr old. Thats his only family. So he has two ppl to invite and she has 200. Her father cant not invite ppl who invited his family to their daughters' weddings etc. If she elopes her family will never forgive her. Its about them, not her. My family arent close but at least they arent bloody religious. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 I didn't consider my elopement at all rude. But then neither did my parents --- they gave me the wedding money (I didn't know there was a fund! And it certainly wouldn't have covered a wedding anyway) in cash and were very happy not to go through the stress themselves! But then my parents eloped. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 My first marriage was the big wedding with all the fluff and looking back it was more stress than fun in the planning stages but I was young. This time around we just got married and went on the honeymoon. This was soooo much better and we were both relaxed the entire time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sweetjasmine Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 The vendors I'm aware of charge different/higher prices for anything wedding related, whether that be catering/restaurant, photography, etc. They specifically ask what type of event it is, and make clear that their rates are different for weddings. I have no idea why that is. Most of it is because people will pay whatever it takes to get their special wonderful princess day absolutely perfect. I also think that it may have to do with the fact that wedding clients are a bit more of a hassle, but I don't think it's bad enough that vendors would double their prices, as some of them do. To me, it just seems like your standard price gouging, and it's distasteful enough that I'm trying to avoid typical wedding vendors as much as possible. I've just never heard of restaurants doing this with reservations. Ugh. One more reason to go with the bbq-in-the-park option... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 No it isn't rude.. My wife an I got married by a judge on a Saturday at the courthouse Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 I will say though that if I was 20 I would have pissed off my family... But still not rude Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 When I got married last September, the plan was to just go and do it - with his son and my daughter. But it grew! It was still small; we had it here at our home. For us, it was perfect to have some of the people we love to celebrate with us. Plus, we had amazing food prepared by awesome talented young people and I got a super cute dress and fab hair do. I wore false eyelashes. I made a giant playlist with all kinds of songs that are dear to us. And flowers! And a gorgeous and delicious special cake! All things I love. My first wedding, when I was about your age, I put together just the same way, only it was somewhat bigger. If you would miss stuff like this - don't elope by yourselves. If you are fine without it, go ahead and elope. You really need to make yourselves happy with how you conduct your wedding - you and the man you marry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted May 17, 2012 Author Share Posted May 17, 2012 To me, eloping is a situation of marrying against the will of either both or one family. That's a pretty strong statement, and I really don't think I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 I also agree with the thing about getting presents after an elopement. Generally speaking, I think presents in general are given when you are invited to an event (baby shower, birth day, wedding etc) however, if you are unable to make the event and you aren't immediate family, a card with well wishes is fine. The point being is that during weddings especially, the average is $35-$50 per person for all the food, cake etc at weddings. So of course, it's courtesy to bring a gift. I have a very small family. My husband has a bigger family, however, he isn't very close to most of them. Most of our wedding were friends of his parents, his mom's extended family he's barely seen and his stepfather's family. About 8-10 people were his father's side, whom he is close with. But the majority of the wedding were his relatives. But, that said, a lot of them he wasn't extremely close to. Since we had a lot of things go wrong at our original wedding, we were thinking of having a big renewal, but decided it wasn't worth it. We're just going to keep it to immediate family and friends without all the drama and enjoy ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
shorty7 Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 That's a pretty strong statement, and I really don't think I agree. If that is the case, I'd have to say the terminology is being used incorrectly, then. e·lope verb (used without object), e·loped, e·lop·ing. to run off secretly to be married, usually without the consent or knowledge of one's parents. to run away with a lover.to leave without permission or notification; escape. Elopement, IS, by definition, a marriage of the couple defying their societal roles. If you have a quiet ceremony just by yourselves at the city hall but still come home to have dinner with the parents and be blessed by the family for your marriage, then that's not elopement, that's just simply "not having a (big) wedding." Not having a wedding does not equal elopement, especially if both sets of parents aren't against the union in general. If you want to keep it low-budget, small and stress-free in terms of limiting guest numbers to minimize drama, destination weddings are pretty affordable if you do it right. If you pick your own florist, your own caterer, choose the venues right, keep it low-key, you can budget for a $10k wedding on the big island in Hawaii, provided you don't include the air freight of your guests. A small wedding party for 50~70 people at the Wynn (includes chapel ceremony, small banquet hall for reception, photographers, food, cake...not sure about a DJ) in Las Vegas can run about $7~9k. When you do destination weddings, everyone has to foot their own travel costs, so you can say everyone is invited, but you'll know that those who do make the effort to make it out there really care about being at the wedding. Another way to do a small wedding in a situation that "everyone was invited, they just couldn't make it," is announce that your wedding date is in 3 months. This is what my former roommate did. She wanted a wedding in May and didn't want to wait until next year to do so (which I was , but whatever) and couldn't get the chapel & reception hall secured until early February. She's been planning a wedding for 2 years and had initially "thought" she'd have to invite 250 people. She ended up with maybe 50, 75ish people at most. Having too short of notice can also piss people off and lead to some important people missing from your wedding party, but if you want to avoid some people showing up, that's probably another option. (Though highly not recommended) Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 Eloping is fine. "How we choose to get married" is one important first decision that the couple can make all by themselves! That is, as long as they are funding it themselves. I've seen families throw a casual "reception" party for a couple that elopes, sometime during the first year. That way the couple gets the wedding they want, and the family can have the celebration they want, if they desire. Link to post Share on other sites
wow04 Posted May 18, 2012 Share Posted May 18, 2012 My first marriage was the big wedding with all the fluff and looking back it was more stress than fun in the planning stages but I was young. My first marriage was the big and fancy wedding. It was beautiful, but so stressfull. I didn't get to enjoy it. If I get married again it will not be a big fancy wedding. I can't take that stress anymore. I think it is completely up to what the couple wants. Do they want a big wedding or not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 18, 2012 Share Posted May 18, 2012 I know what you mean, wow04. Most of the guests actually left after 2 hours, so our wedding and reception was maybe a total of 2 1/2 to 3 hours. We were rushed through having to cut the cake and everything because everyone from out of town was driving back home that night. Honestly, if I was attending someone's wedding, I would not eat and run. If it was too difficult to attend the whole wedding, I would not go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2012 Author Share Posted May 19, 2012 If that is the case, I'd have to say the terminology is being used incorrectly, then. Elopement, IS, by definition, a marriage of the couple defying their societal roles. Incorrect. Elopement by ONE definition is a marriage of the couple without consent/permission of parents. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 Incorrect. Elopement by ONE definition is a marriage of the couple without consent/permission of parents. She's technically right on the actual definition of the word. The word as you're using it and is commonly used has never been an added definition to any major dictionary yet. Perhaps it will be (words do often get updated), and it's common usage, but I can't find it in a major dictionary either, and I have pretty new versions. Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 Nowadays, weddings can be pretty creative. I eloped and nobody cared except my Mom. So we had a reception party for 100 guests. I found the whole thing stressful and it was definitely my mom's day. But I had fun in the end. I know family and friends who got married in forests, in tropical destinations, in VFW halls, at non-denominational churches, or flew to a state where gay marriage is legal. I think people should pick the wedding that suits their style. Sometimes I think about what my partner and I will do. It seems we are going the route of domestic partnership. He has made some comments about us buying a house and drawing up paperwork. It doesn't sound that special, but it suits me fine. Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 My-ex-sort-of-boyfriend (complicated, I know) and I had a bit of a hard time deciding what to do when we were still dating. He was SO worried about what his parents and grandparents would think if he decided to elope - fearful that they would be angry with him. I HATE the stress of planning even small get-togethers and knew that no matter what he wanted to do, somehow the wedding planning would end up totally on my shoulders and I didn't want to deal with it. I told him that we should just elope to where we're having our Honeymoon, come home and then tell everyone the news, then shut them out for a while so they can gripe and moan about how we didn't have a wedding amongst themselves and not to us. People can be so freakin' catty about something so stupid. If one of my friends wanted to elope or have something super-small, and I were excluded, it wouldn't bother me in the least. I understand! If my brother wanted to, while I might be a bit sad I didn't get to see him get married, the last thing I would do is gripe to him about it or gripe behind his back (something my ex's family and my own family have never learned). Do I think it's rude? No. Unfortunately, women everywhere in my mother's and grandmother's generation think they have the right to dictate how, when, where and why their daughters get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 She's technically right on the actual definition of the word. By her own quote, she's technically correct that it is ONE actual definition of the word. There are other definitions that she herself quoted. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Honestly, if I could go back to our original plan and elope, I would have. My MIL controlled our entire wedding despite only paying 7% of the cost. She gave us an attitude when we expressed our feelings about keeping the wedding child free. She said we cannot control what goes on in the audience while getting married. Oh yes we can! Thankfully, there were no distractions, but his mother basically rushed us through eating so we could hand out wedding favors and then rushed us through cutting the cake right after because people from out of town were leaving early. I honestly thought that was rude because it seemed like they ate and ran. If I couldn't stay the whole time at a destination wedding, I wouldn't go. If you think about it, the couple is paying $50 per person, for someone to rush you through YOUR day so YOU can leave early, is wrong. If they miss out on the cake cutting, too bad for them. Needless to say these relatives will not be invited to the renewal. Link to post Share on other sites
shorty7 Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) By her own quote, she's technically correct that it is ONE actual definition of the word. There are other definitions that she herself quoted. True. I did say in my opinion that "elopement" to me, was a situation where a couple went to get married without the consent/blessing of their kin, which is ONE of the definitions. But I digress, most other countries have similar/equivalent word and they all have that same connotation. If you want to call a "non-wedding" marriage elopement, that's your choice. I just don't see why you have a problem saying to other people "Oh, we couldn't afford a big wedding so we kept it small" rather than applying a connotation that your marriage wasn't welcomed. I'm not saying that EVERYONE assumes that all "eloped" couples don't have happily accepted/welcomed marriages in their families; all I'm saying is that there are still people who consider "elopement" with that negative connotation and hence would, personally opt for saying "married without a wedding" for what it is instead. But again, that's just me and my personal opinion. Ultimately, whether to not have a wedding or not is up to you. If you want to keep it small, there's plenty of ways to do it so that you keep the people you don't want present at bay, but not to the point where you piss them off that it really does count as eloping. Edited May 22, 2012 by shorty7 Link to post Share on other sites
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