Is elopement rude?

[fitgirl]

it is rude. a wedding is for the family as well as the couple. just had mine! no day will match it. except when i have children.

[pink_sugar]

what's rude is when the relatives you invite to said wedding expect you to rush through your wedding day (eating, handing out favors and cake cutting) so they can leave early. The day is for the couple. You're spending all kinds of money for the affair, so if anything prevents you from having a special stress free day, you don't have to invite those people.

[Nohbody]

I eloped when I got married (waaaay back in 2006), and I didn't think about how it would affect my family. My mother was really hurt, and my dad was... well... my dad. You know.

 

everyone is different, and everyone situation is different. That marriage dissolved less than 2 years later, so it was for the best, I think. But if I ever took the plunge again, I'd make sure my folks were invited.

[shorty7]

what's rude is when the relatives you invite to said wedding expect you to rush through your wedding day (eating, handing out favors and cake cutting) so they can leave early. The day is for the couple. You're spending all kinds of money for the affair, so if anything prevents you from having a special stress free day, you don't have to invite those people.

 

Exactly. Not inviting the people who would make your wedding difficult is entirely different from eloping, which is marrying against their will. If they don't mind you getting married but have beef with you because they didn't get a stupid invitation, that's their petty little grudges they'll have to deal with.

 

It's your special day. If you couldn't "afford" to invite them for whatever reason (it's the nicer way of saying it rather than "uh...sorry, my day, not yours."), it really shouldn't be held against you.

 

I've actually had a friend of mine get married at Vegas. No one was invited to the actual ceremony, but everyone had open invitations to "watch" the ceremony live as it were happening. It was very unique and special for the couple that they had that intimate special moment to themselves. They did a family reception beforehand at a ranch where all important relatives and few close friends were invited. On the website that allowed the livecam broadcast, a link was available so that anybody who wanted to contribute a gift can either send money, flowers, or buy off of the registry, and the items would be sent to the couple's new apartment.

[RiverRunning]

what's rude is when the relatives you invite to said wedding expect you to rush through your wedding day (eating, handing out favors and cake cutting) so they can leave early. The day is for the couple. You're spending all kinds of money for the affair, so if anything prevents you from having a special stress free day, you don't have to invite those people.

 

 

This. The idea that the wedding is about the family is one of the most absurd things I've ever heard, imo. It would be like getting invited to any other event - a baby shower, birthday party, graduation party - and honestly thinking that the day is about anyone other than the guest of honor. In the case of a wedding, that's the bride and groom.

 

I can't stand people constantly trying to elbow their way into somebody else's wedding. I've seen people ask if random outsiders can be invited, have temper tantrums because the bride and groom aren't going to do something they WANT them to do (down to decorations, which events happen first, where to get married, when, what to wear, who to invite, the meal, etc.) and threaten not to attend the wedding and on and on.

 

You would sure think the wedding is about everyone else. I think people need to learn to mind their own business and stop getting their little panties in a twist because someone decided to get married and not invite anyone, or decided to invite only close family and maybe friends. Now, if the couple advertises: "We're eloping BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL CRAZY and we don't want you there," that's one thing (and, I suspect, the true reason behind why most people elope). But if you politely address it with others as, "We just want to keep it small/we don't like being the center of attention/etc.," you can usually get a bit more leeway.

 

I never want to be the center of attention. I don't want to deal with temper tantrums and crybaby fits from grown adults. I don't want to deal with gossip and whispers behind my back about how I'm such a (bleeeeeeep) for doing things this way or that way, or I'm 'manipulating' my poor boyfriend into giving up his family, etc.

 

My ex's mother, sister and grandmother were the holy triad of gossip and backstabbing. One would appear (usually his sister) and dig and dig and dig for information, down to whether or not we had ever slept together (something I very POLITELY shot her down about. I should've punched her in the face), then they all run to each other to blab and gossip. My ex's mother once called him to her house for a meeting because she saw some of my creative writing and decided that it was a sign that I was about to break up with him. Holy meddler, Batman! But not before she called everyone else in the family to gossip about her findings.

 

Rather than just coming to me and at least ASKING before she spread gossip that made me look like a complete jerk who was just using her son. Things were tense there for a while, but after that I just started handling everything with them like I would a business. Hello, good-bye, one or two non-personal things to talk about, see you later. If I had ANYTHING on my Facebook profile that was the least bit controversial (articles supporting gay marriage, any of my creative writing, etc.), I blocked them from seeing it.

 

So, that's one reason why if I ever get back with my ex and we ever get married, I'd love to elope. I am friendly to his family and I have never said an ill word about his family to him, so he has no idea how I feel. But I've seen the vicious way his mother and grandmother will sometimes talk about his sister's husband (just because the poor guy's job required him to travel about a quarter of the time. Apparently they thought he should've just stayed job-less).

 

So I can JUST IMAGINE what they say about me when I'm not there. Even that wouldn't be such a big issue if his meddling mother weren't calling him over to report on ludicrous findings.

[johan]

I think threads about elopement are rude.

[d'Arthez]

I think threads about elopement are rude.

 

Are you running away with the thread johan?

[johan]

Are you running away with the thread johan?

 

I don't know. Hopefully not. Should I report my post?

[pink_sugar]

This. The idea that the wedding is about the family is one of the most absurd things I've ever heard, imo. It would be like getting invited to any other event - a baby shower, birthday party, graduation party - and honestly thinking that the day is about anyone other than the guest of honor. In the case of a wedding, that's the bride and groom.

 

I can't stand people constantly trying to elbow their way into somebody else's wedding. I've seen people ask if random outsiders can be invited, have temper tantrums because the bride and groom aren't going to do something they WANT them to do (down to decorations, which events happen first, where to get married, when, what to wear, who to invite, the meal, etc.) and threaten not to attend the wedding and on and on.

 

Exactly. Before we actually told my H's parents about our getting married, he and his mom weren't speaking because she flipped out over something stupid as usual. He decided to send her an email saying we're getting married. Then all of a sudden she jumps for joy and starts helping us with wedding planning. Worst idea ever. We should have just sent them an invitation and they didn't even deserve that. We initially thought it was nice of his mom to help with the planning until she got offended when we said we didn't want to invite their friend's 5 little kids (Price of the reception is per person, including kids) then she insisted they would pay for them. Thankfully those people couldn't make it. Then they insisted we have an open bar which I did not want, because some of the people in my family get crazy with alcohol. (Not to mention I was only 19) She thought we were being wrong because in her mind, if they paid for it, we should have it! It ended up being too expensive for them, but that didn't stop my dad from crashing the open bar upstairs. Then we also had to invite my H's stepfamily. None of them socialized with us whatsoever. My H never even had a great relationship with his stepfather and wasn't ever that close to his stepfamily. We doubt we'll be invited to his stepcousin's wedding because my H told his stepfather off a few months back. And these are the people that left early from our wedding. Biggest waste of money.

 

 

 

Rather than just coming to me and at least ASKING before she spread gossip that made me look like a complete jerk who was just using her son. Things were tense there for a while, but after that I just started handling everything with them like I would a business. Hello, good-bye, one or two non-personal things to talk about, see you later. If I had ANYTHING on my Facebook profile that was the least bit controversial (articles supporting gay marriage, any of my creative writing, etc.), I blocked them from seeing it.

 

I wish they implemented timeline earlier so I could have weeded out my posts from my in-laws, because my H's mom basically disowned him over a facebook post. Apparently we were being incredibly offensive by stating we had a Mormon church down the street and we owe our relatives an apology.

[zengirl]

By her own quote, she's technically correct that it is ONE actual definition of the word. There are other definitions that she herself quoted.

 

I'm just pointing out that NO dictionary includes the definition of the word as you're using it --- I'm not saying you're wrong to use it that way, but it is colloquial, not a real word, to do so. None of the definitions support the usage we're using here at all -- elopements don't even have to do with marriages by some definitions, but that doesn't really apply.

 

I'm not sure what country she was from, but that may be an important distinction --- that it is a colloquial you're asking --- on an international forum.

[shorty7]

I'm just pointing out that NO dictionary includes the definition of the word as you're using it --- I'm not saying you're wrong to use it that way, but it is colloquial, not a real word, to do so. None of the definitions support the usage we're using here at all -- elopements don't even have to do with marriages by some definitions, but that doesn't really apply.

 

I'm not sure what country she was from, but that may be an important distinction --- that it is a colloquial you're asking --- on an international forum.

^This exactly; thank you for explaining/clarifying/articulating better than I ever can.

 

I guess the term "eloping" in US more equivocally understood as "we had a wedding, we just didn't invite anyone" as opposed to "we got married and didn't tell anyone" is the gray distinction that I'm having issues with. ^These are two completely separate things, in my view, and to use one word that defines one thing and masquerades as the other is to me, misleading. A wedding/marriage ceremony should be a happy/special occasion. By any means, the fashion it was achieved in shouldn't be associated with something that means entirely something it wasn't.