Happy

[allgoodhere]

Well, I read all this doom and gloom. Kinda sad. I love my MM, and our relationship is fantastic. I don't know why, if you are miserable, you stay in yours. If you don't like it, leave it.

[woinlove]

Well, I read all this doom and gloom. Kinda sad. I love my MM, and our relationship is fantastic. I don't know why, if you are miserable, you stay in yours. If you don't like it, leave it.

 

I think you see more doom and gloom because the majority of MM who have an A stay married, while only a minority of OW want to have an A with a MM. Many are staying for that particular MM despite him being married, and hoping he will leave his W. But that is not an easy state to be in, if you would really like to have an R that is out in the open and/or be married to him yourself.

 

As an OW, I was like you - happy. I was happy and didn't want him to leave his W. Although he did anyway, and then I wasn't so happy and I ended it.

Edited May 16, 2012 by woinlove

[MissBee]

I agree with woinlove. I think for most OW, they truly don't want an A for all eternity...and usually it's after being in an A for a while that they start seeing that it is going to stay an A and the relationship won't evolve, then that is when they start feeling upset, hurt, angry, dissatisfied. But by then, they are already emotionally attached to this person, so find it hard to just up and leave...they come here often looking for hope, hoping maybe he will leave, hoping they will be a success story etc.

 

When I was in an A, it certainly was happy for about a good year. As I got more attached to him, his limitations and the limitations of the relationship became more apparent and overtime it became unbearable....yet, I still loved him and still wanted him around so kept going back and forth with knowing the truth, yet hoping for something different.

 

That's the reality.....sooo if you are happy...great. Maybe one day you won't be so happy or maybe you'll always be happy or maybe once you stop being happy you'll simply tell your MM bye and never look back. But for many OW, and for the nature of As, it often complicates emotions and actions a lot more than that.

[trinity1]

There are a lot of happy other OW/OM. There is room for us on LS.

Edited May 17, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillwater]

I agree with woinlove. I think for most OW, they truly don't want an A for all eternity...and usually it's after being in an A for a while that they start seeing that it is going to stay an A and the relationship won't evolve, then that is when they start feeling upset, hurt, angry, dissatisfied. But by then, they are already emotionally attached to this person, so find it hard to just up and leave...they come here often looking for hope, hoping maybe he will leave, hoping they will be a success story etc.

I was very happy for the first few months, while we were making promises to each other about being with each other and those promises seemed believable. But then she stopped making any progress toward delivering on those promises, and it was a long downhill slide from there. She'd still make comments about how great it would be when we could finally be together, but she didn't do anything to get there. I think she was expecting some magical sky fairy to just pluck her from this mess and bring her to the other side, without her having to get her hands dirty.

 

I do think it was way harder to leave the A than any normal relationship I can remember. Why? Because it seemed like it was external forces keeping us apart rather than a problem with our compatibility. Of course that's just delusional, her being married was not an external force, she had all the power to change it, but didn't. Eventually I figured that out, decided I wasn't happy, and as the OP said, I left.

Edited May 16, 2012 by stillwater

[MissBee]

I was very happy for the first few months, while we were making promises to each other about being with each other and those promises seemed believable. But then she stopped making any progress toward delivering on those promises, and it was a long downhill slide from there. She'd still make comments about how great it would be when we could finally be together, but she didn't do anything to get there. I think she was expecting some magical sky fairy to just pluck her from this mess and bring her to the other side, without her having to get her hands dirty.

 

I do think it was way harder to leave the A than any normal relationship I can remember. Why? Because it seemed like it was external forces keeping us apart rather than a problem with our compatibility. Of course that's just delusional, her being married was not an external force, she had all the power to change it, but didn't. Eventually I figured that out, decided I wasn't happy, and as the OP said, I left.

 

Yep!! I can relate to this. Even after my A ended and I moved on, I still looked back on it fondly, with delusional eyes, thinking it was simply because he was taken why we didn't work out, but in a different time and place it would have. Well the Universe quickly corrcted that, by allowing him to come back 4 years later, ready to resume the A . I quickly realized, he wanted an A. That was it. He had no plans of ever leaving his primary relationship, he had no plans to do what I wanted, marry and have kids and have a normal relationship. He enjoyed me, he enjoyed my company, he liked my personality, his "feelings" were true...but were simply not steeped in reality. I was a happy addition to his life, but would not ever be his main relationship. I then realized it was that way all along...and I was indeed happy, when I too was content to live a fantasy. He would do all this future faking with me and back then I bought into it because the fantasy of planning for a future (that would never happen) suited me. But now that I am older and thinking more seriously about having a lifetime companion and want to do real things towards it...the A promises fall quite flat.

 

No one enters an A to be unhappy and no A starts off unhappy...I think many though usually end up in the unhappy realm and that's just what it is. I understand in fact why unhappy OW/OM are on LS. I am not being facetious, but find it more puzzling as to why one happy in their A would find the need to be on LS. In my A, when I was happy, I didn't ever think of discussing it on a forum. I just lived it and went on with my happy self.

[woinlove]

Well, I read all this doom and gloom. Kinda sad. I love my MM, and our relationship is fantastic. I don't know why, if you are miserable, you stay in yours. If you don't like it, leave it.

 

It seems you are wondering why OW/OM are posting such sad posts while staying in the A and you think they should just be able to leave. First, a lot of the sad posts come from OW/OM who are in the process of ending or have just ended the A. Second, it is as Miss Bee says, things can change with time. As they change, there is likely to be a mixture of good and bad feelings, and one likely won't leave until the bad becomes fairly dominant if one has developed deep feelings. Even then, one may think things will change if the MM/MW is saying they will divorce, but asking the OW/OM to wait for some time.

 

As to whether the person should leave as you suggest, simply based on how happy/sad they feel about the R and nothing else, I think that depends on a lot of details and one has to look at the individual circumstances.

 

One would hope this public forum would give people a place to discuss that honestly. That is, the ones who are happy, don't pretend to be sad. The ones who are sad, don't pretend to be happy. And the ones who are mixed, present their honest mixed feelings. So, to the extent LS succeeds, you should see both and I think one should expect to see more sad because I believe that reflects real life for affairs. It may also be the case that OW who are hurting are even more likely to look for a forum, tilting the numbers further.

 

I think the OW who hurt but are still in the A, or are in a long drawn out exit (not so uncommon) do need understanding and leaving isn't always easy. If they express their feelings honestly here, they often get a lot of useful support and advice (from what I have seen over the past couple years).

Edited May 17, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
deleted reference to duplicate thread I removed

[wellwhynot]

I lurked for over a year before I DARED to post anything here, for fear that I'd be flayed alive that I am not cowering in shame for daring to

1. Have an affair

2. Enjoy

3. Be happy and content in it.

I do finally feel I can post about it and I'm glad the OP does too

 

OP I am so glad that you are happy and content in the choices you have made. There are some nice threads here that you might enjoy (yes I started some of them, so maybe it's self promotion... ha ha ha) like the happy moment thread, and the there for you thread! I'd love to hear your responses to those,

Edited May 17, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[thomasb]

You see all the doom and gloom involved with affairs for good reason.

Most people have a hard time ripping out the heart and soul of a person they are supposed to love and protect and not feel a little 'disturbed'. Most people have a hard time lying their way through life blithely. Most people have a hard time deceiving their family, friends and children. If you don't more power to you! I'm glad I did have a problem with it myself.

[woinlove]

I lurked for over a year before I DARED to post anything here, for fear that I'd be flayed alive that I am not cowering in shame for daring to

1. Have an affair

2. Enjoy

3. Be happy and content in it.

I do finally feel I can post about it and I'm glad the OP does too

 

OP I am so glad that you are happy and content in the choices you have made. There are some nice threads here that you might enjoy (yes I started some of them, so maybe it's self promotion... ha ha ha) like the happy moment thread, and the there for you thread! I'd love to hear your responses to those,

 

I can't give names, but you can search using terms like happy, unapologetic, etc. No doubt, there are different degrees of happy too, and we should hear all those degrees here. As a happy OW, I was very happy, him being married suited me fine, I felt no guilt, didn't care about the BS - that was his business, and in that state I would have very happily posted on LS 2 years ago, 1 year ago, 6 months ago, and now.

 

Again, to the topic of this post -- why post doom and gloom rather than just leave -- I think it can be understood why this happens and that LS needs to accommodate the doom and gloom too.

Edited May 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quoted post to match edit on the original post

[findingnemo]

I lurked for over a year before I DARED to post anything here, for fear that I'd be flayed alive that I am not cowering in shame for daring to

1. Have an affair

2. Enjoy

3. Be happy and content in it.

I do finally feel I can post about it and I'm glad the OP does too

 

OP I am so glad that you are happy and content in the choices you have made. There are some nice threads here that you might enjoy (yes I started some of them, so maybe it's self promotion... ha ha ha) like the happy moment thread, and the there for you thread! I'd love to hear your responses to those,

 

When I first arrived here, there were plenty of happy OW. Not sure I saw one happy OM though...can't remember.

 

I just want to say that ALL OW/OM were happy at some point. Otherwise there wouldn't have been an A. This forum has evoled (for now) into one in which people post about problems they are having. Is it how it's supposed to be? No, it's not a rule. You should have never felt too scared to post.

 

I've been on other forums where it's supportive of OWs/OMs. However, the majority aren't happy either. Most of them post about problems they are having. Perhaps it is those with issues that seek such forums in the first place.

 

Me..I'm happy. I'm a fOW, fBW and a former believer in fairytales. As you can see on LS, some people are unhappily M, unhappily dating, unhappily single and some are unhappy with who they are. Unfortunately even when they become happy in whatever situation, it seems difficult for them (eg. me) to forget how we felt when we were going through turmoil.

Edited May 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quoted post to match edited original post

[wellwhynot]

I came here because being in a relationship with a married man is NOT easy. When I first found the forum here I was in a LOT of pain, and would have liked some guidance, or at least some commiseration, but what I didn't want was to be belittled and/or called a whore. I'm not saying anyone currently posting is doing so.. but I've certainly seen it on here, at times worse than others. I wasn't looking to leave, but I did need, was desperate at times to talk about it, so that I could come to terms with things in my own mind. What I found was a board claiming support that was just filled with generalizations, flames, slams and no assistance to anyone who really needed it or wanted it. Not everyone stays in an affair, not everyone leaves, every relationship is different but the OW/OM was painted as a caricature. I saw snide comments that said things like... "Why should you think you are any different, there are a million stories just like yours, we've been over this a million times, every week someone comes along and thinks she's special enough to make him leave."

 

Now I am happy and content in my relationship. I worked it out... honestly, without a lot of help and probably MORE tears and pain than I might have if I could have gotten some helpful feedback.

 

But there are still hurdles that come up, and friends, (although accepting) don't understand that I might want to be able to talk to others about, people that do understand the dynamics.

 

I'm not that brave yet. I don't want to post anything bad because then the scorekeepers will come along and say.. Oh, but on page 3 of this thread you said this...relationships are fluid, people are people. Pain and happy go hand in hand sometimes.

 

That's why. I don't know if it made a lot of sense or was logical or not, but it came from the heart and is my reasoning and explanation. And everyone has happy moments in their relationships, even past ones. It never hurts to remember, that wheter it was a good idea or not, that you got something out of the choices you made in life.

Edited May 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jwi71]

OMG you're kidding right?

I lurked for over a year before I DARED to post anything here, for fear that I'd be flayed alive that I am not cowering in shame for daring to

1. Have an affair

2. Enjoy

3. Be happy and content in it.

I do finally feel I can post about it and I'm glad the OP does too

 

OP I am so glad that you are happy and content in the choices you have made. There are some nice threads here that you might enjoy (yes I started some of them, so maybe it's self promotion... ha ha ha) like the happy moment thread, and the there for you thread! I'd love to hear your responses to those,

 

I agree.

 

And it's a shameful admission and one LS should examine.

Posting a happy thread here has, in the years I have been here, little more than an invitation for a public execution.

 

And perhaps deservedly so.

 

But do not OW/OM have rights? Do they NOT deserve a healthy, helpful and supportive place?

 

And maybe it's simply to say "I'm happy".

 

And maybe, given the unequal and undulating nature of an A, those moments are all the MORE powerful and important.

 

I'm glad the mods are back in action. I hope they can protect the minority and simultaneously allow contrarian posts.

 

In a happy thread, it is NOT appropriate to post challenging and conflicting advice. If that's all one has to offer (me), don't post. And, I didn't precisely because of that.

 

/rant off

[trinity1]

I believe the case for many OW/OM is that they are happy with their partners but unhappy that it is an affair, and that's why they seek out a relationship forum so as to come to terms with the fact that the relationship they are having with their loved one is an extramarital relationship.

 

The help and support I needed was to understand the dynamics of an EMR so I could distinguish what was about us as a couple and what was merely a result of our relationship being an EMR. Having sorted this out it was so much easier to enjoy our relationship to its full extent. Sure we have bad days like any couple. We aren't exempt from that. But overall I'm very happy to be in a relationship with the man I love and who loves me.

Edited May 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote to deleted post

[jwi71]

I believe the case for many OW/OM is that they are happy with their partners but unhappy that it is an affair, and that's why they seek out a relationship forum so as to come to terms with the fact that the relationship they are having with their loved one is an extramarital relationship.

 

Perhaps you would share the actions you and Neo took to "deal with the unhappiness of the A".

 

I think that would be priceless advice to share.

 

Moderator's Note: This would be an appropriate topic for another thread.

Edited May 19, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added moderator's note

[Lostinlife4now]

Well, I read all this doom and gloom. Kinda sad. I love my MM, and our relationship is fantastic. I don't know why, if you are miserable, you stay in yours. If you don't like it, leave it.

 

 

Hi allgoodhere!

 

I left it! Yes, I was in an A for 8 years, and there is NO way in hell that he was EVER leaving the W, and I don't deserve to be second fiddle. Yes, that's what it felt like....The straw that broke the camels' back was his family vacation at the beach, for 2 weeks! I felt used. If he could go away for 2 weeks, just the 2 of them and 2 kids, they are DEFINITELY bonding, some way, some how. So in my mind, he really didn't need me for other than "GREAT sex". I was done.

 

There was a time that the R was great and I thought this is what I wanted, but after a while, I wanted it All. and he can't provide. So I said goodbye.

 

And as far as posting on a public forum (OW)...the BS really do come down on us. And that's why I stopped posting for a long while. I didn't really think about his W, that was his problem. We were having too much fun and were so much in love.

 

Hope this helps....and please post here. The OW section. And don't worry about public stoning...there are mods now!

[nofool4u]

Well, I read all this doom and gloom. Kinda sad. I love my MM, and our relationship is fantastic.

 

I'm glad you are happy.

Edited May 17, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jwi71]

Hi allgoodhere!

 

I left it! Yes, I was in an A for 8 years, and there is NO way in hell that he was EVER leaving the W, and I don't deserve to be second fiddle. Yes, that's what it felt like....The straw that broke the camels' back was his family vacation at the beach, for 2 weeks! I felt used. If he could go away for 2 weeks, just the 2 of them and 2 kids, they are DEFINITELY bonding, some way, some how. So in my mind, he really didn't need me for other than "GREAT sex". I was done.

 

There was a time that the R was great and I thought this is what I wanted, but after a while, I wanted it All. and he can't provide. So I said goodbye.

 

And as far as posting on a public forum (OW)...the BS really do come down on us. And that's why I stopped posting for a long while. I didn't really think about his W, that was his problem. We were having too much fun and were so much in love.

 

Hope this helps....and please post here. The OW section. And don't worry about public stoning...there are mods now!

 

I have a question.

 

If you discount the tone of what was said "back then", do you think the advice you received was "wrong"?

 

How much thought or weight do you credit LS posts in "dealing" with your situation?

 

Essentially, tone aside, was the advice, in hindsight, in YOUR best interest?

[trinity1]

Perhaps you would share the actions you and Neo took to "deal with the unhappiness of the A".

 

I think that would be priceless advice to share.

 

We learnt all we could about EMRs to try to understand the dynamics of them and the motivations of the WS. Having an understanding for each other is so valuable. Having an understanding for yourself is too.

 

We accepted that we were a long term couple and started to feel secure in that none of us was going to leave the relationship. This took away a lot of the roller coaster rides.

 

We communicate, communicate, communicate.

 

We are open to change our communication patterns when there is a need for that.

 

We listen to others who are also in EMRs and how they have dealt with the issues you face when in such a relationship. Sharing with others who know the ups and downs is priceless. There is so much to learn.

[MissBee]

(forgive me clipping it but I wanted to address these main questions)

I will certainly answer a genuine question, and I'm actually really glad you asked. I came here because being in a relationship with a married man is NOT easy. When I first found the forum here I was in a LOT of pain, and would have liked some guidance, or at least some commiseration, but what I didn't want was to be belittled and/or called a whore. I'm not saying anyone currently posting is doing so.. but I've certainly seen it on here, at times worse than others. I wasn't looking to leave, but I did need, was desperate at times to talk about it, so that I could come to terms with things in my own mind. What I found was a board claiming support that was just filled with generalizations, flames, slams and no assistance to anyone who really needed it or wanted it. Not everyone stays in an affair, not everyone leaves, every relationship is different but the OW/OM was painted as a caricature. I saw snide comments that said things like... "Why should you think you are any different, there are a million stories just like yours, we've been over this a million times, every week someone comes along and thinks she's special enough to make him leave."

Now I am happy and content in my relationship. I worked it out... honestly, without a lot of help and probably MORE tears and pain than I might have if I could have gotten some helpful feedback.

But there are still hurdles that come up, and friends, (although accepting) don't understand that I might want to be able to talk to others about, people that do understand the dynamics.

I'm not that brave yet. I don't want to post anything bad because then the scorekeepers will come along and say.. Oh, but on page 3 of this thread you said this...

relationships are fluid, people are people. Pain and happy go hand in hand sometimes.

 

That's why. I don't know if it made a lot of sense or was logical or not, but it came from the heart and is my reasoning and explanation. And everyone has happy moments in their relationships, even past ones. It never hurts to remember, that wheter it was a good idea or not, that you got something out of the choices you made in life.

 

Thanks for your honest response, it's appreciated

[stillwater]

they are happy with their partners but unhappy that it is an affair

 

The two are inextricably linked.

 

With all due respect, this is a perfect example of the "it's external forces keeping us apart" delusion I mentioned in my post. The only reason it was an affair was because MW refused to take the steps to bring it above-board. It was impossible to be unhappy with the situation and simultaneously happy with her, because she was the reason the situation was the way it was.

[MissBee]

I believe the case for many OW/OM is that they are happy with their partners but unhappy that it is an affair, and that's why they seek out a relationship forum so as to come to terms with the fact that the relationship they are having with their loved one is an extramarital relationship.

 

The help and support I needed was to understand the dynamics of an EMR so I could distinguish what was about us as a couple and what was merely a result of our relationship being an EMR. Having sorted this out it was so much easier to enjoy our relationship to its full extent. Sure we have bad days like any couple. We aren't exempt from that. But overall I'm very happy to be in a relationship with the man I love and who loves me.

 

I appreciate your response. I guess for me, I cannot differentiate the partner from the A and the problems from the fact that it is an A. I find the A to be a very specific lens that colors everything and from my own experience, the relationship we had was an A relationship, and if it were not, it would probably not have looked how it looked... the "he is taken" part implied a lot more and I thought I could sweep that part under the rug as a minor inconvenience, but came to find out, in fact it meant quite a lot...said a lot about him, his character, me etc.

[jwi71]

We learnt all we could about EMRs to try to understand the dynamics of them and the motivations of the WS. Having an understanding for each other is so valuable. Having an understanding for yourself is too.

 

We accepted that we were a long term couple and started to feel secure in that none of us was going to leave the relationship. This took away a lot of the roller coaster rides.

 

We communicate, communicate, communicate.

 

We are open to change our communication patterns when there is a need for that.

 

We listen to others who are also in EMRs and how they have dealt with the issues you face when in such a relationship. Sharing with others who know the ups and downs is priceless. There is so much to learn.

 

Thanks for that.

It's great advice for couples.

 

If I may, and I had hoped you would expound on how you stay happy given the R is an A. Or is my lack of understanding in my assumption that you want more than an A?

 

I suppose the most concise Q I have is:

 

Provided you want more than an A, how do you stay happy?

 

I really think sharing that would help others (myself included)

 

PM me if you arent comfortable doing so in public (and provided you wish to share)

[Lostinlife4now]

I have a question.

 

If you discount the tone of what was said "back then", do you think the advice you received was "wrong"?

 

How much thought or weight do you credit LS posts in "dealing" with your situation?

 

Essentially, tone aside, was the advice, in hindsight, in YOUR best interest?

 

 

I think LS made me see the REALITY of the A. It/he was going NOWHERE! And if BS found out would I want him out of default? No....

 

In my best interest? Hmmmmm..Probably, but BS would come here and really do a number! (Their opinions can be brutal at times.) Honest but.... Yes, I do think it was in my best interest. I am out of it now, don't feel too much for him anymore, and W is stuck with a husband who cheated on her for 8 years and would still be doing it if I allowed it. He does still call from time to time to see how things are. I really did alot for xMM....and he will attest to it also. He always said, he would not be where he is today if it were not for me. And for that I am grateful...But she reaps ALL the rewards.

 

But if you are happy...................then leave it alone.

 

Hugs to you!

 

Lost.....

[MissBee]

The two are inextricably linked.

 

With all due respect, this is a perfect example of the "it's external forces keeping us apart" delusion I mentioned in my post. The only reason it was an affair was because MW refused to take the steps to bring it above-board. It was impossible to be unhappy with the situation and simultaneously happy with her, because she was the reason the situation was the way it was.

 

Ditto...you said what I was trying to say, only more eloquently.