Happy

[wellwhynot]

This is a sincere question. I have asked it before of other posters who say they are happy and content in their relationship with a married man, but no one has answered.

 

Do you feel basically like you are involved in a polygamous situation, and do you feel like being one of 2 or more "wives" suits you?

 

This is not meant as a jab. Clearly, I have ethical issues with stuff that involves dishonesty. I don't have any issues with polyamory, and that does seem to be the basis for a happy and contented AP.

 

That's an interesting question and I certainly didn't take it as a jab. No one answered when you asked before? I can't see why not to answer.

I do not feel I am polyamorous because I believe that means that I would be capable of loving more than one person at a time and I don't think this is me. I love him very much and really don't want anyone else. He does care for his wife, he may love her, I know and am aware of this. We don't talk about her much though. I suppose I would prefer not to share him, but I really don't feel I am competing with her either. I think he could possibly be polyamorous although I don't really know enough about it or his views to speak to that for him. I'll have to discuss it with him and see what he thinks. That's a really interesting point.

[Summer Breeze]

This is a sincere question. I have asked it before of other posters who say they are happy and content in their relationship with a married man, but no one has answered.

 

Do you feel basically like you are involved in a polygamous situation, and do you feel like being one of 2 or more "wives" suits you?

 

This is not meant as a jab. Clearly, I have ethical issues with stuff that involves dishonesty. I don't have any issues with polyamory, and that does seem to be the basis for a happy and contented AP.

 

When the A started I set down my boundaries. I was going to continue to date---he chose not to be exclusive to me and I was going to choose the same. We didn't talk about people I was seeing and we didn't talk about his W. I can tell you it ate at him and the upset and jealousy was 98% from his side and 2% from mine. I probably didn't date nearly as much as he thought I did but I never stopped. I would never have accepted the thought or expectation that I should be exclusive to him. It's not quite an answer to your question but think maybe it's relevent.

[Got it]

Piggybacking onto SB - we were not exclusive in the beginning but fairly quickly became so. I am trying to remember, I believe I may have discussed dating others but I did not carry through on it until we after we had broken up. So no I didn't date others while we were together, we did not have sex with others (and yes I know he wasn't based on ex's communications). I assumed they occassional had sex and find out afterwards that wasn't the case.

[Radagast]

Well, I read all this doom and gloom. Kinda sad. I love my MM, and our relationship is fantastic. I don't know why, if you are miserable, you stay in yours. If you don't like it, leave it.

 

There can be doom and gloom in any kind of relationship. I agree that no one should ever remain in a relationship that makes them miserable. I made that mistake for decades too long and I'm very happy now that I have left the doom and gloom.

 

I don't believe that the type of relationship is what causes whether or not there is doom and gloom, unless you are choosing to enter (or remain in) a relationship that goes against your own personal moral code. Life is too short to remain in an unhappy relationship.

 

That said, not everyone is able simply to walk away from an unhappy relationship. Many people feel trapped by emotional or logistical factors and need support in getting out. I don't feel people should be prevented from posting about difficulties in their relationships, but I think other members should be sensitive to what they are asking for. If they are deeply unhappy and want or need to leave then it is appropriate to help them find solutions to enable them to do so. But if they are simply unhappy about contingent factors and still want to remain in the relationship they should be supported in their choice to deal with what is making them unhappy without having to leave the relationship. I find it very depressing when someone posts that they have difficulty dealing with one small aspect of their relationship and they get told that they should leave it, as if that is the only solution. If every married person who posted that they were unhappy about their partner's bad parking was told that they should divorce it would be silly, but some people think that that level of advice is fine for people in an affair. If someone is seeking advice in dealing with an aspect of their relationship then that should be taken seriously at face value whether other members consider the form of their relationship to be valid or not, in my opinion anyway.