Vacation love affair

[Vlove]

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He ha two children that I am raising, I have none of my own.

 

Prior to meeting him, I was a fun and wild girl. Since marrying him, I am nothing but a caretaker to everyone. Always responsible and sensible. Sometimes I miss the old me, but most of the time I like this version.

 

We have a good marriage and I know he loves me more than anything. I love him too, but have trouble sometimes accepting that this is my life- boring and plain. I go back and forth.

 

I have always been faithful to him. Never even thought about being with another man. Until last weekend, that is.

 

A friend and I went to Las Vegas where we ended up (innocently) meeting two gentlemen from another country. We hung out with them at the pool and then grabbed dinner. Seemed innocent enough. But at some point, one o the guys and I started to get a little closer. He was so sweet and saying very touching things to me that I haven't heard for a while. The thought of being with him physically was on my mind.

 

Eventually, it happened. We carried on a beautiful affair for 4 days. And now I can't stop thinking about him. It is not him that I think I fell in love with, rather the feeling of another mans touch. It all just felt so perfect to be doing something I would have done years ago. It was fun, and I loved it.

 

Now I am home and can feel a difference when I look at my husband. I don't know what to do. I have thought about telling him, but it would kill him. Plus his ex wife cheated on him a lot and I made so many promises that I would never do that. I never thought I would. But here I am.

 

If I thought that I would never do it again, I probably wouldn't tell him. But now I can't be sure.

 

I just can't bear the thought of Hurting him or leaving him alone. But I am not sure I love him enough to be married. His whole family will be crushed and I will have to live with that guilt. I'm not sure which guilt will be worse.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

[drifter777]

It's clear from reading your story that you are unhappy in your marriage. If I was your husband I would have rather you come to me and tell me about it. That way we could have had a chance to talk and seek counseling if we decided that was an appropriate next step. Maybe he would have said something like "I'm not happy either, maybe we should call it quits". Either way you could have faced your future together without your terrible betrayal complicating everything.

 

Living with a secret like this is possible, but you are so unhappy I don't think you should do it. You don't have to break it to him immediately, but you should tell him about your unhappiness and suggest you begin working on your marriage. If he agrees, then you must tell him what you did in Vegas so he can decide if reconciliation is something he wants. What happens after that is anybody's guess, but at least you will both be able to make decisions about the rest of your life knowing the whole story.

 

Of course there is also the option of you simply telling him you want a divorce and walking away from your marriage. You seem to be miserable and want a new life. Maybe your cheating was a way to finally kill your marriage dead once and for all. If that's the case, face the truth and walk away.

[96nole]

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He ha two children that I am raising, I have none of my own.

 

Prior to meeting him, I was a fun and wild girl. Since marrying him, I am nothing but a caretaker to everyone. Always responsible and sensible. Sometimes I miss the old me, but most of the time I like this version.

 

We have a good marriage and I know he loves me more than anything. I love him too, but have trouble sometimes accepting that this is my life- boring and plain. I go back and forth.

 

I have always been faithful to him. Never even thought about being with another man. Until last weekend, that is.

 

A friend and I went to Las Vegas where we ended up (innocently) meeting two gentlemen from another country. We hung out with them at the pool and then grabbed dinner. Seemed innocent enough. But at some point, one o the guys and I started to get a little closer. He was so sweet and saying very touching things to me that I haven't heard for a while. The thought of being with him physically was on my mind.

 

Eventually, it happened. We carried on a beautiful affair for 4 days. And now I can't stop thinking about him. It is not him that I think I fell in love with, rather the feeling of another mans touch. It all just felt so perfect to be doing something I would have done years ago. It was fun, and I loved it.

 

Now I am home and can feel a difference when I look at my husband. I don't know what to do. I have thought about telling him, but it would kill him. Plus his ex wife cheated on him a lot and I made so many promises that I would never do that. I never thought I would. But here I am.

 

If I thought that I would never do it again, I probably wouldn't tell him. But now I can't be sure.

 

I just can't bear the thought of Hurting him or leaving him alone. But I am not sure I love him enough to be married. His whole family will be crushed and I will have to live with that guilt. I'm not sure which guilt will be worse.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

 

Well, right now you're in a bit of the "affair fog". What you had with the other man (OM) wasn't real. It was a quick fling. He was saying all the right things so you could be Miss Right Now. Remember, your husband wants you to be Mrs. Forever.

 

You are obviously missing a little excitement in your marriage. It happens. But you shouldn't go looking for excitement outside the marriage. It's up to you to let him know that you want to spice things up. I'm sure he will be more than happy. He may not have any idea that you feel that way. We men are not mind readers. You have to tell us how you feel.

 

You are going to get varying opinions of whether you should tell him or not about the affair.

Can you live with the knowledge of what you have done?

Can you live with the knowledge that he has no idea that his marriage is no longer pure?

Can you live with the knowledge that he will speak highly of you to everyone, but you know that's not true?

 

If you're not sure if you'll do it again, then do the man a favor and tell him. Let him make the decision if he wants to stay married to someone that won't be faithful to him. It'll break his heart but he won't be living a lie. The thing that hurts a betrayed spouse (BS) the most is all the lies and deception. There is nothing worse for the BS than to find out your life has been a lie for however long the affair was going on. I'm sure he told you how awful he felt because of his ex-wife. There are a ton of stories on this board from BS's that you can read and feel the pain.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I would say have a look at Belle's thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/319462-new-here-married-woman-who-had-affair-just-ended-good-i-hope

 

If you truly want to feel connected with your BH again, then you should tell him and give him the chance to forgive or leave you. If you tell the chances of things working out are so much better than if he finds out some other way. If he knows and forgives you, that's so much better than him loving someone you know that you are not, and him living a life where he doesn't quite know what is wrong or how to address it.

[ISurvived]

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He ha two children that I am raising, I have none of my own.

 

Prior to meeting him, I was a fun and wild girl. Since marrying him, I am nothing but a caretaker to everyone. Always responsible and sensible. Sometimes I miss the old me, but most of the time I like this version.

 

We have a good marriage and I know he loves me more than anything. I love him too, but have trouble sometimes accepting that this is my life- boring and plain. I go back and forth.

 

I have always been faithful to him. Never even thought about being with another man. Until last weekend, that is.

 

A friend and I went to Las Vegas where we ended up (innocently) meeting two gentlemen from another country. We hung out with them at the pool and then grabbed dinner. Seemed innocent enough. But at some point, one o the guys and I started to get a little closer. He was so sweet and saying very touching things to me that I haven't heard for a while. The thought of being with him physically was on my mind.

 

Eventually, it happened. We carried on a beautiful affair for 4 days. And now I can't stop thinking about him. It is not him that I think I fell in love with, rather the feeling of another mans touch. It all just felt so perfect to be doing something I would have done years ago. It was fun, and I loved it.

 

Now I am home and can feel a difference when I look at my husband. I don't know what to do. I have thought about telling him, but it would kill him. Plus his ex wife cheated on him a lot and I made so many promises that I would never do that. I never thought I would. But here I am.

 

If I thought that I would never do it again, I probably wouldn't tell him. But now I can't be sure.

 

I just can't bear the thought of Hurting him or leaving him alone. But I am not sure I love him enough to be married. His whole family will be crushed and I will have to live with that guilt. I'm not sure which guilt will be worse.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

 

A couple of questions after reading your post.

 

Were you with several different men prior to marrying your BH?

 

Why did you marry your BH?

 

Why do you miss your prior lifestyle so much?

 

What led you to think that sleeping with another man was a good idea? It's a conscious decision and I'm just wondering about your mind set.

[nofool4u]

A friend and I went to Las Vegas where we ended up (innocently) meeting two gentlemen from another country.

 

Come on, we didn't just get off the boat yesterday. There was no true innocent intentions on meeting these guys, and you know it.

 

If you go on a vacation without your men, then you shouldn't be including other men, whether you think it is innocent or not. Otherwise you should have brought your spouses.

 

There is a reason people want to go to Vegas without their significant others, you are proving why.

 

 

Eventually, it happened. We carried on a beautiful affair for 4 days. And now I can't stop thinking about him. It is not him that I think I fell in love with, rather the feeling of another mans touch. It all just felt so perfect to be doing something I would have done years ago. It was fun, and I loved it.

 

Then divorce if you can't stay true to your vows to the man you married.

 

 

If I thought that I would never do it again, I probably wouldn't tell him. But now I can't be sure.

 

I just can't bear the thought of Hurting him or leaving him alone.

 

But I am not sure I love him enough to be married. His whole family will be crushed and I will have to live with that guilt. I'm not sure which guilt will be worse.

 

Does anyone have any advice?

 

Yes, tell him and give him the control of how his life turns out.

 

And if you don't, and you want to stay married, then going on your girls vacations should now be over.

 

But I suspect the latter isn't going to enter your mind, so you should come clean and let him decide if he wants to be with someone like you.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your husband to tell you that he cheated on you, betrayed your marriage and put your health at risk for STD's? They are from another country and I will assume that you had unprotected sex which is very dangerous. I do hope that you have not had sex with your husband until you have been tested.

 

By not telling you husband the truth then you are still playing your husband for a fool. Right now your marriage is based on lies, disrespect and dishonesty. You owe it to your husband to tell him the truth. This is not just all about you. Good luck.

[nofool4u]

I would say have a look at Belle's thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/319462-new-here-married-woman-who-had-affair-just-ended-good-i-hope

 

If you truly want to feel connected with your BH again, then you should tell him and give him the chance to forgive or leave you.

 

Tell him she should, but there won't be a connection between them again, at least not from her end. She cheated, she loved it and now she wants more of it. As long as she knows she can get wild and go off and have sex with other men, she isn't going to be happy with being married.

[pteromom]

I would NOT tell him.

 

I would try to use your heat for the other guy and the feeling you had there to rekindle your own marriage.

 

The thing is - you were on vacation. You were FREE! You had no responsibilities, no bills, no kids, no work.

 

Now you are back to your real life. You have to be responsible and practical, and sometimes that is a drag.

 

That has as much to do with your feelings as the other guy does.

 

So -

 

How can you bring that feeling to your regular everyday life? How can you escape responsibility and be FREE once in a while (with your husband)? Do you guys go on date nights? Do you ever go to a club and just dance and flirt? Do you ever go on overnight trips to some hotel, even in your own city?

 

Before you walk out on your marriage, you should try. Get your husband on board - tell him that you really felt like yourself on vacation, and you want to bring that part of you to your marriage too.

 

See what happens.

 

But I would take the affair to your grave - UNLESS your friend knows, in which case I would consider telling, because it could get out somehow.

 

I know it isn't popular around here to NOT tell, but I think you should give your marriage a chance, and you can do that better if your husband isn't dealing with the emotions of a confessed affair.

[Bryanp]

You can either have a marriage based on trust, honesty and respect or one based on distrust, dishonesty and lack of respect. The choice is yours and will define your character as a person.

 

The last poster )prtromonz0 telling you not to tell him because you were on vacation and you were free is ridiculous. If you extend this to the logical conclusion then any time your husband may be on vacation and free, he should also be allowed to screw different women if he chooses and put your health at risk as well not worry about betraying you and your relationship and marriage. What a total ludicrous statement.

[CarrieT]

Vlove, did you deliberately leave your wedding ring at home and could Opie be your husband? Read his thread of worry here...

[frozensprouts]

OP,

thank you for posting. I'm also glad that you have tried to be honest ( or so it seems to me) in your post. You aren't excusing what you did, but you are explaining it, and you have also admitted some very hard truths about your marriage.

That's a good starting point.

The thing now is to try and figure out what it is in your marriage or in yourself that needs to change if you ( and by extension your husband/family) are going to be happy.

 

Did the affair bring back feelings of an earlier time in your life when you didn't have so many responsibilities and things were "easier"?

From what you say, you feel like you are the responsible caretaker for the other family members. Does part of you maybe feel like you are doing more than your share? Could there be a bit of resentment there?

 

whatever you feel may be going on, if you want to make it better, you can't do it alone. You husband needs to be involved as well.

 

best of luck to you

[pteromom]

If you extend this to the logical conclusion then any time your husband may be on vacation and free, he should also be allowed to screw different women if he chooses and put your health at risk as well not worry about betraying you and your relationship and marriage. What a total ludicrous statement.

 

Nope - NOT excusing OP's behavior. NOT saying it is ok to have an affair - for her or for her husband.

 

But the fling is done. It can't be undone.

 

The OP is now deciding whether or not she wants to leave her marriage.

 

Sure - she could tell. Her husband would be devastated. They'd have a lot of baggage and drama and if they did stay together, he'd never trust her again. It would come up over and over and would never go away.

 

OR - she can just put it behind her and try to capture that feeling in her marriage. She can move forward and chalk it up to a MISTAKE.

 

I get what you are saying about a marriage being built on honesty, but sometimes the kindest thing to do is to NOT be honest. If the OP can get to a place where she knows she will never do it again, there's just no reason to tell.

 

But yes - she SHOULD get tested for STDs, especially if she had unsafe sex wtih the guy.

[drifter777]

Nope - NOT excusing OP's behavior. NOT saying it is ok to have an affair - for her or for her husband.

 

But the fling is done. It can't be undone.

 

The OP is now deciding whether or not she wants to leave her marriage.

 

Sure - she could tell. Her husband would be devastated. They'd have a lot of baggage and drama and if they did stay together, he'd never trust her again. It would come up over and over and would never go away.

 

OR - she can just put it behind her and try to capture that feeling in her marriage. She can move forward and chalk it up to a MISTAKE.

 

I get what you are saying about a marriage being built on honesty, but sometimes the kindest thing to do is to NOT be honest. If the OP can get to a place where she knows she will never do it again, there's just no reason to tell.

 

But yes - she SHOULD get tested for STDs, especially if she had unsafe sex wtih the guy.

 

Just pathetic.

[BetrayedH]

Nope - NOT excusing OP's behavior. NOT saying it is ok to have an affair - for her or for her husband.

 

But the fling is done. It can't be undone.

 

The OP is now deciding whether or not she wants to leave her marriage.

 

Sure - she could tell. Her husband would be devastated. They'd have a lot of baggage and drama and if they did stay together, he'd never trust her again. It would come up over and over and would never go away.

 

OR - she can just put it behind her and try to capture that feeling in her marriage. She can move forward and chalk it up to a MISTAKE.

 

I get what you are saying about a marriage being built on honesty, but sometimes the kindest thing to do is to NOT be honest. If the OP can get to a place where she knows she will never do it again, there's just no reason to tell.

 

But yes - she SHOULD get tested for STDs, especially if she had unsafe sex wtih the guy.

 

It wasn't a mistake. She didn't slip, trip, and land on his *ick over those four days. It wasn't an accident. She made lots of deliberate choices and drove right past a lot of stop signs.

 

Now she has more choices to make...she can continue making poor ones that dishonor her H and keeping him living up to his end of the marital agreement under the guise of being faithful or she can do the right and honorable thing by coming clean with her "mistakes" and let the man make an informed decision about how he wants to spend THE REST OF HIS LIFE. Does he deserve tobe lied to?

 

OP, I'm not tryin to slam you here. You are at a serious crossroads. One of the previous posters was dead-on correct that your BS will likely be able to handle your adultery provided that you come clean, are remorseful, and do whatever you can to address the shortcomings in your marriage and what it is that allowed you to do this to him. What he will not be able to handle is continued lying. Being played for a fool is devastating to trust. Coming clean voluntarily does a lot to repair the damage. Are you really prepared to lie to him forever and then think that you have a real marriage?

 

Yes, the fling is over. Now it is time to clean up the mess. Good luck to you. It can be done and you can get a LOT of good counsel here on how to do it.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think it would be better if it were a Vatican love affair. Just sayin'.

[2sunny]

Tell your H so he knows who he's married to. He also needs to be tested for std's.

[Vlove]

Please let me clarify- I did NOT have unprotected sex. Yes I did make the choice to do what I did, but I was safe about it.

[2sunny]

Please let me clarify- I did NOT have unprotected sex. Yes I did make the choice to do what I did, but I was safe about it.

 

Did you kiss him? Did you body fluids interact? Did you put his junk in your mouth? Did his mouth touch your vaginal area?

[michelangelo]

 

A friend and I went to Las Vegas where we ended up (innocently) meeting two gentlemen from another country. We hung out with them at the pool and then grabbed dinner. Seemed innocent enough. But at some point, one o the guys and I started to get a little closer. He was so sweet and saying very touching things to me that I haven't heard for a while. The thought of being with him physically was on my mind.

 

Eventually, it happened. We carried on a beautiful affair for 4 days. And now I can't stop thinking about him. It is not him that I think I fell in love with, rather the feeling of another mans touch. It all just felt so perfect to be doing something I would have done years ago. It was fun, and I loved it.

 

 

I'm not buying the "innocent" act at all.

 

You went after the first opportunity to get laid that you had.

 

Own your actions.

 

I recommend revealing what you did to your husband so he can decide whether he wants to stay with you or divorce you.

 

Why should you be the only one to have an informed choice about your life?

[Artie Lang]

I was safe about it.

 

hilarious!

 

i'm sure your husband thanks you for being so considerate.

[Vlove]

A couple of questions after reading your post.

 

Were you with several different men prior to marrying your BH?

 

Why did you marry your BH?

 

Why do you miss your prior lifestyle so much?

 

What led you to think that sleeping with another man was a good idea? It's a conscious decision and I'm just wondering about your mind set.

 

Yes I had several relationships prior to meeting my husband. We married when I was 28.

 

I think I married him because he was offering what I wanted at the time. Love, family, etc. Prior to that, I was not interested in settling down or even living with someone. But I met him and decided I did want that.

 

I miss my prior life because I felt free. My husband just always wants to be next to me, and I like my space.

 

I never thought it was a "good" idea- I just got swept up in the moment and the atmosphere and what he was saying, blah blah blah. I knew it was wrong, but it made me feel like I was someone else....

[Vlove]

I'm not buying the "innocent" act at all.

 

You went after the first opportunity to get laid that you had.

 

Own your actions.

 

I recommend revealing what you did to your husband so he can decide whether he wants to stay with you or divorce you.

 

Why should you be the only one to have an informed choice about your life?

 

You have a right to your opinion. I can assure you, however, that this was not the situation. I did not have any intention of doing anything. I take plenty of vacations each year and even at home have many men hit on me. I did not take the first opportunity to get laid.

 

I made a (huge) mistake, but please do not mistake me for someone who doesnt regret it or was just acting on wanting sex, as that is not the case.

 

You can judge me, I know many will. But what I am here for is some support, advice and people who have had similar situations. This is a deep issue that is not just about having sex with another man.

[2sunny]

Did you kiss him? Did you body fluids interact? Did you put his junk in your mouth? Did his mouth touch your vaginal area?

 

Please answer all these questions...

[2sunny]

You wanted to be someone else?

 

Since you don't really like your life with your H then maybe you should end the M.

 

I have a hard time understanding how you feel it was a mistake when you continued doing it for 4 days.

 

A mistake...no. A mistake is something that happens by accident. This wasn't an accident... You purposely participated for several days.

 

And since you didn't answer my questions - its safe to assume that your mouth touched his body and his mouth touched yours.

 

You're at risk for stds that way - so is your H if you've been having sex since you've been home.

 

It's easier if you get honest with yourself here - that way you can get help easier when you're honest.

 

The M may be troubled - proper order is key - if you're not happy in the M - then leave.

 

Just the way you word not wanting your H close by is concerning... If you need space - move, but tell your H how you've cheated so he knows HE wasn't to blame in this sudden change.