Vacation love affair

May 17, 2012

My wife normally wears her wedding ring. It's an engagement ring, wedding band pair. She left for Vegas over the weekend to attend a kind of family reunion, five days four nights. But, as it turns out, chose to leave the rings at home. When I ask why she deflects the question, seems insulted or assures me of her love but doesn't answer the question, "Why?". She is beautiful and in great shape but having a new middle-aged concern over being attractive to other men.

Is she just seeking some reassurance? Seeking something physical? Is this nothing or is she coming home with a tramp stamp and chlamydia?

How do I understand this if she won't tell me?

Maybe this poster is your husband... Odd timing...

May 17, 2012

How would you feel if your husband betrayed you the way you betrayed him? You are still playing him for a fool since you refuse to tell him the truth that he rightfully deserves to know. Your actions show truly that you do not respect your husband or your relationship. Do you honestly think he does not deserve this information or are just simply fearful of the consequences of your actions and upsetting your lifestyle?

May 17, 2012

Nope - NOT excusing OP's behavior. NOT saying it is ok to have an affair - for her or for her husband.

But the fling is done. It can't be undone.

The OP is now deciding whether or not she wants to leave her marriage.

Sure - she could tell. Her husband would be devastated. They'd have a lot of baggage and drama and if they did stay together, he'd never trust her again. It would come up over and over and would never go away.

OR - she can just put it behind her and try to capture that feeling in her marriage. She can move forward and chalk it up to a MISTAKE.

I get what you are saying about a marriage being built on honesty, but sometimes the kindest thing to do is to NOT be honest. If the OP can get to a place where she knows she will never do it again, there's just no reason to tell.

But yes - she SHOULD get tested for STDs, especially if she had unsafe sex wtih the guy.

This is, of course , absurd, and self-serving . Vlove, you have one major decision to makew. Are you an honest person, with integrity and respect for your husband, or not? If you don't tell him then it says that you are NOT a good person and shouldn't be married to a good man. If you respect your husband, of course you should tell him. He is an adult and the man you married. Have a little respect.

May 17, 2012

Many will disagree (I seem to bring that out a lot in people here), but I think if you are going to call it quits with your marriage, there is no reason to tell him - unless of course getting out of the marriage just isn't being accepted by him. That would be when you drop the "I slept with someone else while I was on vacation". I see no reason to make what will probably be a very difficult time emotionally for you both even more so by coming clean with the affair. In some respects (emotionally) what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

If however you do want to salvage your marriage, you will likely need to come clean with it If you don't, it's something that will stick with you for weeks and months and years, and the longer it goes the potentially more devastating it can be.

Like I said, I'm sure many will disagree, but if the marriage is over spare the drama of the confession. He may find out years from now and that's fine - he will very likely have completely moved on by that point and the news likely won't affect him anywhere near as much as it probably would now.

My ex (to the best of my knowledge) knew nothing about my affair. I used it, rightly or wrongly, as a springboard to get out of my marriage. I saw no reason to cause more anger and rage by throwing an affair in her face (and to those who always bring up the sex question - about the only contact we had over the last couple years of marriage was when we'd accidentally brush each other when passing in the hallway).

So there's my two sense. If you are going to end the marriage, don't tell him. If you are going to stay in the marriage, I'd recommend telling him.

May 17, 2012

Yes I had several relationships prior to meeting my husband. We married when I was 28.

I think I married him because he was offering what I wanted at the time. Love, family, etc. Prior to that, I was not interested in settling down or even living with someone. But I met him and decided I did want that.

I miss my prior life because I felt free. My husband just always wants to be next to me, and I like my space.

I never thought it was a "good" idea- I just got swept up in the moment and the atmosphere and what he was saying, blah blah blah. I knew it was wrong, but it made me feel like I was someone else....

Relationships and having sex with someone are two different things.

What is it about you BH that made you want to settle down?

If you wanted "space", which is a fairly broad term, why would you get married?

I don't buy the "swept up in the moment" excuse. I have had many opportunities over my soon to be 22 year marriage to be "swept up in the moment" and didn't.

Your BH deserves to be told. He needs to be tested for STD's. If you participated in oral sex, fluids were exchanged. You stated it was a wonderful 4 day affair, I'm sure oral sex was involved.

You see, that's one of the problems with cheating, you BS does not get to make any decisions as to what their bodies are unknowingly exposed to. Pretty selfish isn't it?

May 17, 2012

Vlove...in your second sentence you immediately blame your husband. YOU are raising HIS kids. That is very telling.

Your affair was "beautiful"??? Really? How so? Cuz I doubt your husband would have the same opinion of you f'ng some random guy for 4 days because you wanted to feel the excitement and freedom of your youth. Grow the f up!

The reality is that you left for your vacation with your friend to purely have a wild time. Why else choose Vegas? You left your rings at home, which I'm pretty sure your husband noticed and worried about exactly what happened. I'm also pretty sure that you told him what a great time you were having when you talked on the phone. And I'm also pretty sure that will be pretty devastated when he finds out WHY you were having such a great time in Vegas.

You made a choice to get married and be a loving wife. You made a choice to accept his children into your life and be their Mom. You made a choice...not a mistake to go bang some random guy for FOUR days.

Seems you have a pretty bad track record for making choices.

May 17, 2012

You have a right to your opinion. I can assure you, however, that this was not the situation. I did not have any intention of doing anything. I take plenty of vacations each year and even at home have many men hit on me. I did not take the first opportunity to get laid.

I made a (huge) mistake, but please do not mistake me for someone who doesnt regret it or was just acting on wanting sex, as that is not the case.

You can judge me, I know many will. But what I am here for is some support, advice and people who have had similar situations. This is a deep issue that is not just about having sex with another man.

OK...you regret it.

So...what are you going to DO about that? What's going to change as a result? How are you going to improve/repair things in your marriage? How are you going to prevent yourself from doing this again?

Do you intend to tell your H the truth, so that he can decide WITH you as to whether or not the marriage should continue, or help you decide what should change as a result of your actions? Or do you intend to lie by omission to him, and force him to remain in a marriage that he may no longer want if he were aware of what transpired?

May 17, 2012

Vlove, I had two As and I'm not telling my H. I was emotionally attached and physically attracted to both men, but I love my H. I should have loved him enough to not have the As, but it's a long complicated story I don't want to discuss.

Bottomline is: you don't feel in love with your H, and you don't feel alive anymore, you don't feel like yourself.

The fling gave you back a part of yourself you had been missing. It felt good and exhilarating.

Now you have to decide if you can feel that way with your H and in your M. Do you think you can talk with him about reconnecting and repairing your M?

You may also want to start IC. I knew I needed to work on myself. It was something broken in me that allowed me to have the As.

I don't judge you at all. No one here can know your life and your relationship. You just have to decide what is best for you and your family.

May 17, 2012

Please let me clarify- I did NOT have unprotected sex.

So you've done this before?

May 17, 2012

I made a (huge) mistake

Cheating is never a mistake. You did it because you wanted to. Calling it a mistake infers that you either didn't know what you were doing, or that you didn't know you were making the wrong choice.

but please do not mistake me for someone who doesnt regret it or was just acting on wanting sex, as that is not the case.

"It was fun, and I loved it."<-- This statement speaks volumes.

You can judge me, I know many will. But what I am here for is some support, advice and people who have had similar situations. This is a deep issue that is not just about having sex with another man.

Although there is nothing to really support, you are getting advice.

And that advice is to give your husband the respect of knowing who he is married to and let him make up his own mind about how his life turns out.

You owe him that.

May 17, 2012

Vlove, I had two As and I'm not telling my H.

^^ THIS is where you risk going to Vlove. After your second, maybe even third affair you'll get into the groove of how to lie and deceive your husband. It'll be easy once you get past your initial shame, but then you won't care about his feelings enough to ever tell him the truth. I think you should decide IF you want to be married first of all. Then, if the answer is still yes ~ I would think that you owe your husband a modicum of those wedding vows and tell him the truth. If you DON'T want to be married, then let the poor guy go. Withholding such important information is poisonous. One may think that the truth will only serve to hurt (possibly you if he leaves) but I think that's a sham made up by selfish and self serving people. What boundary won't you cross now that you've crossed this one?

May 17, 2012

Many will disagree (I seem to bring that out a lot in people here), but I think if you are going to call it quits with your marriage, there is no reason to tell him

So what bs reason would she give? Because he is going to want to know. If he is kept in the dark, he will wonder what happened and won't be able to move on as easily.

On the other hand, if he knows she cheated, he knows the truth and possibly, like me, will more easily be able to accept divorce. If I hadn't found out about my x-wife's cheating, and she was the one that ended up divorcing without telling me the truth, I'd still be wondering why. But knowing that she cheated made it MUCH easier. It also prompted me to be the one to file for divorce.

The whole, "there is no reason to burden him and hurt him with the knowledge that I cheated" thing is bunk. Only reason to not tell is to save face.

May 17, 2012

Vlove, just because you had this fling, does not mean you will repeat the behavior. If you no longer love your H then most certainly D him, but if you believe that you can have a fulfilling life with him then he needs to be the ONE person you turn to. You have to allow him to be and reconnect with him.

You are no longer in contact with the man you met on vacation, correct? Also, you need to work on the vibe you give off to men. Just recognize within yourself how you interact with men and how you got yourself in this situation.

I think you regret what happened and that you don't want to do it again. If I had turned to this forum rather than a close male "friend", I wouldn't have had the second A.

You can change. I think you really want to.....

May 17, 2012

I'm going to disagree just a bit.

You had a fling...and you "got away with it".

It very much DOES set the stage for doing it again, unless you make massive changes in your life and marriage.

Had you been caught...or if you tell now...there's consequences.

We don't learn anything when things go right...when we suffer no consequences.

We learn, we improve, from our mistakes, our failures, and the consequences they create in our lives.

Tell your H...or end the marriage. A marriage based on a lie isn't one that I would want to remain in either.

May 17, 2012

Not going to argue the integrity and honor point...that's not fair to anyone.

But...I WILL point out to you that the posters telling you to tell are the BS's...betrayed spouses...the ones who have already been in your H's shoes.

They're the ones best in the position to know if he'd want to know or not. They'd know what's fair for him.

The ones urging you not to tell aren't the ones who have been in that position.

THAT is the way to consider the source of the information.

May 17, 2012

Vlove, I'm sure that you have noticed that the posters who have advised you to tell your husband are those posters who have integrity and honor, and those posters advising you not to tell, are those that are selfish and without true honesty, respect or remorse. The question is, which do you want to be numbered with?

LOL! Really? I have never cheated on anyone. I think it is fine to disagree with my advice - I understand how you would. But I am anything but selfish, dishonest or disrespectful.

If my DH had a vacation fling and came back with a lesson learned wanting to work on our marriage, I'd rather NOT KNOW. Why would I want to torture myself about something that wasn't that important or meaningful?

May 17, 2012

The ones urging you not to tell aren't the ones who have been in that position.

I was cheated on in my first marriage. In that particular case, I was GLAD he told me, because it gave me the strength to leave. BUT - had it been a different situation and my husband was someone I wanted to stay with, I'd rather NOT know (assuming it was a sex-only one-time thing).

May 17, 2012

Vlove, I read your original post and I can tell you're confused. I can tell you are worried that you might repeat the behavior. I also think maybe your feelings for your H aren't strong enough to stay married.

I have been in your position, but I knew beyond a doubt that I would not want a D and that the man I want to be with for the rest of our lives is my H. We have two children.

You have not had a Dday, so it's your decision to disclose the A, but if you are feeling unappreciated and no longer love your H then tell him you want a D because you're not in love with him any more.

May I ask how old you are? Also, you aren't in contact with the OM are you?

May 17, 2012

Vlove, I had two As and I'm not telling my H. I was emotionally attached and physically attracted to both men, but I love my H. I should have loved him enough to not have the As, but it's a long complicated story I don't want to discuss.
Bottomline is: you don't feel in love with your H, and you don't feel alive anymore, you don't feel like yourself.
The fling gave you back a part of yourself you had been missing. It felt good and exhilarating.
Now you have to decide if you can feel that way with your H and in your M. Do you think you can talk with him about reconnecting and repairing your M?
You may also want to start IC. I knew I needed to work on myself. It was something broken in me that allowed me to have the As.
I don't judge you at all. No one here can know your life and your relationship. You just have to decide what is best for you and your family.

Define love Bella? Love is not just liking or admiring a person. Love is a verb. Actions not just words.

May 17, 2012

You make it sounds almost "noble" that you had a fling.

Setting aside your feeling of being judged for a moment.

Think of what you owe your husband--not what you want for yourself.

Then act accordingly. We all deserve to live the truth of our lives.

You have a right to your opinion. I can assure you, however, that this was not the situation. I did not have any intention of doing anything. I take plenty of vacations each year and even at home have many men hit on me. I did not take the first opportunity to get laid.

I made a (huge) mistake, but please do not mistake me for someone who doesnt regret it or was just acting on wanting sex, as that is not the case.

You can judge me, I know many will. But what I am here for is some support, advice and people who have had similar situations. This is a deep issue that is not just about having sex with another man.

I'm not buying the "innocent" act at all.

You went after the first opportunity to get laid that you had.

Own your actions.

I recommend revealing what you did to your husband so he can decide whether he wants to stay with you or divorce you.

Why should you be the only one to have an informed choice about your life?

May 17, 2012

I'd rather NOT KNOW. Why would I want to torture myself about something that wasn't that important or meaningful?

"ignorance is bliss," i suppose.

May 17, 2012

You have a right to your opinion. I can assure you, however, that this was not the situation. I did not have any intention of doing anything. I take plenty of vacations each year and even at home have many men hit on me. I did not take the first opportunity to get laid.
I made a (huge) mistake, but please do not mistake me for someone who doesnt regret it or was just acting on wanting sex, as that is not the case.
You can judge me, I know many will. But what I am here for is some support, advice and people who have had similar situations. This is a deep issue that is not just about having sex with another man.

I'm not really sure it matters how you spin this. You are a liar and a betrayer... and there is a reason such people are considered the worst among us. In Dante's Inferno the lowest level of hell was reserved for the betrayers of trust like Judas, and Brutus.

What kind of support are you looking for? You are the abuser not the victim. Come to terms with that.

Nobody should have to judge you... you should already be fully aware of your actions and their results. You knew this going into the affair. If you can't judge yourself then no support or advice can help you.

It really sounds to me like you have some self esteem issues... perhaps rightfully so. You let yourself get caught up taking care of everyone around you and didn't demand time and attention for yourself. I can't say for sure what other issues you are dealing with in your marriage, but I would say you are in a bad spot emotionally.

You should take some time now and decide what you want. I don't care how guilty you may feel for leaving. Everyone will move on without you and be just fine. So figure out exactly what you want for yourself. Carrying on like this will just hurt everyone including yourself.

If you choose to move on... then you have no need to disclose anything regarding the affairs. I consider this to be the best option for your H.

If you choose to try and fix your relationship... then you have to disclose your betrayals. You can't really move forward with this festering in your heart. I'd say there is a good chance your H take your cheating in stride since he seems used to that behavior from women.

Either way... get off the fence! Make a choice!

May 17, 2012

LOL! Really? I have never cheated on anyone. I think it is fine to disagree with my advice - I understand how you would. But I am anything but selfish, dishonest or disrespectful.

If my DH had a vacation fling and came back with a lesson learned wanting to work on our marriage, I'd rather NOT KNOW. Why would I want to torture myself about something that wasn't that important or meaningful?

Pteromom, I fully understand that there are some people who do not like to face hard truths, and practice avoidance. That is a character issue, much like honesty. My mother was a lot like that, before she had her affair, and we can all see what good it did her. BTW, I doubt very much that you will find very many posters who feel that any form of infidelity is un-important and meaningless.

May 17, 2012

"ignorance is bliss," i suppose.

Trust me, I was ignorant about what my wife was doing for years, and it was anything but bliss. Because she kept it hidden, her actions took away from the marriage. Her getting away with it allowed her to still go out alot with friends because I knew no better.

May 17, 2012

Define love Bella? Love is not just liking or admiring a person. Love is a verb. Actions not just words.

If I could take it all back and not have the As, I would but for the present Love is:

1. Choosing to stop acbehavior that even though it made me feel alive and exhilarated at times, stopping it because it was wrong and hurtful to my H.

2. Giving 100 percent of my devotion and attention to my H and family.

3. Staying NC with OM and setting up boundaries.

4. Seeking counseling so I never repeat horrible choices.

5. Being patient that reconnecting and rebuilding a M will take time.

6. Feeling remorseful for my actions.

7. Doing loving things each day for my H and seeing the positives in him, but realizing he isn't perfect. No one is.

8. Putting his needs before my own.

9. Knowing him well enough to know that he would rather not know of the As.

10. Being strong enough to take the heat on LS when others have opinions which differ from my own because I know that despite my pour choices, I know that I am a good person with morals who messed up, but that I'm growing and I will fight for my M.

That is love for now.....

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