Vacation love affair

[Wanderer25]

Bella, you are moving in the right direction but stop acting so high and righteous because you stopped the affair for a month.

 

I obviously agree that cheating is wrong which is why I stopped on my own accord.

 

But you are someone who had two long term affairs and still glorify the OM. You did things with OM that you denied your H. That is not something to brag about.

An extreme analogy would be a rapist bragging that he stopped raping for a couple of months.

 

 

Choice A (keep A secret) harms person A (me)

 

Let us say you invested a lot of money with me that you will cash out in 15 years and I lost all the money due to bad luck or poor decisions. So should I tell you immediately or should I wait and tell you on the due date ? You are not going to get the money back anyway. Should I take the "pain" of not telling you for 15 years?

 

 

You self diagnosed yourself as not being a NPD in a different post. I think you should get a professional opinion(only after he gets the complete truth though). I think you have some characteristics of being a Narcissist.

[sad puppy]

Blue Knight, this is a brilliant analysis. The saddest thing is when people lie to themselves. Their reluctance to face reality, cold, hard facts.

 

They refuse to acknowledge that their "love" left the marriage long ago, and that they are staying for the financial security, to not rock the boat, to avoid disapproval of their parents & friends, because they are afraid to be alone, ... the list goes on and on. Some people do acknowledge this, hence, their staying until kids are in college or until they get a better paying job. But many just, ultimately, lie to themselves.

 

OW/OM do it too. They lie to themselves that their affair partner will leave, refusing to acknowledge cold, hard reality, and in some cases, this goes on for years. They so want to believe their affair partner, that in essence, they are lying to themselves.

 

Everyone has to walk their own path. Some need to confess an affair. Some feel it would be too hurtful to their spouse. People truly need to make their own decisions about what is best. I am firmly of the "honesty is the best policy" program, it's just easier & I feel we all have to own our behavior, actions in the long run.

 

Spouses who have been cheated on also need to face reality. Instead of solely blaming their spouse and avoiding any responsibility for the marriage falling apart, they need to see if they contribute. I am not saying that a spouse is responsible for their cheating spouse's behavior, I am not, but the deflection of searching for their part in a marriage which led to infidelity, just ignores the problems. I find it astonishing that in a long term sexless marriage, the partner who has refused sex is just "horrified" that their spouse would cheat. Really? One does not have to condone cheating to acknowledge that the withholding partner does indeed have a hand in their own faltering marriage.

 

 

People, no matter their situation, need to face their life, honestly. The fake "we're such a happy family" routine when all is not happy, makes me wonder. Why do people live like that? For society's approval? For the neighbor's approval? Why live a lie, what is the gain?

 

Overall, the saddest is to see someone lying to themselves. I think it's stems from cowardice.

[ISurvived]

My point is simply this. None of us are completely honest with our spouses and therefore it could be argued that most marriages are indeed built on a lie,

 

I will have to respectfully disagree with this. I am completely honest with my W. For the last 4 years, she has been completely honest with me to my knowledge. My Spidey senses are pretty good too.

 

It is possible to be completely honest. I keep nothing from my W and she keeps nothing from me. We have made a great life out of the ashes of her A. While I agree honesty is not easy at times, it is always the best thing. I would be interested to hear why honesty is NOT the best way of life.

 

You can argue timing, but you can't argue that honesty is not the best way to achieve a strong marriage.

[JustJoe]

Okay, I'm going to bite and take a completely different path on this philosophy.

 

All this talk about "doing what's right" and "self-preservation" is somewhat disingenuous if you look at the bigger picture and consider the average Western or European value marriage.

 

SD, even if it's for self-preservation what's the difference?

 

I don't disagree that coming clean is the best way, but each person must do it when and if the timing is right. Belle for instance may come to terms with telling her husband six months or six years from now. Or maybe never. Maybe she'll never reveal it and still turn her situation around at home. It happens all the time.

 

She's the one who has to decide if she can live with this and if she can, and she resumes trying to make her marriage work, and has forsaken the OM, then that might be what works for her.

 

My issue with all this focus on "lying" comes down to this. We are all liars. Nobody tells the absolute truth . . . even on a daily basis. That's actually a strongly Biblical position for those who care.

 

Trust me. I can stop 9 out of 10 people for a traffic violation and the most innocuous and ordinary average decent tax paying citizen will go into self-preservation mode as soon as I begin conversing with them. They will waste no time lying to me. I've had little old ladies do it. I'm talking about someone's grandmother! It's in our DNA to self-preserve and avoid harm, embarrassment, or even paying for a traffic ticket. This is why children do it from a very early age. Nobody teaches a child to lie. They simply know from the time they are old enough to walk that lying is a way to avoid trouble and angry parents. It's innately in us.

 

The problem with this "you can't build a marriage on a lie" approach is that millions and millions of marriages without an affair even tossed into the equation are built on a lie. How about the "lie of omission?" How many spouses are just *staying* in marriages where there is no love, no compassion, no intimacy? We see postings like this just about daily on loveshack. Why are we not treating those spouses the exact same way and demanding that they become *transparent* and tell their spouses that they truly are not in love with them? They are living a lie after all.

 

Oftentimes, what intimacy and love are still in the marriage are exaggerated or faked by one or even both spouses to get by, to avoid conflict, or to just pretend. It's the easy road for many of these people. Rather than being *truthful* they allow their spouses to go on believing that they still truly love them to avoid the conflict and create what they perceive as an unnecessary crisis. In other words, a form of self-preservation. Isn't this also a lie? Doesn't the spouse who is no longer in love have an obligation to share this with the spouse who may still be completely head over heals still in love? Otherwise, isn't this marriage built on a falsehood or a lie?

 

This is why we see the common pattern of those who enter into affairs but post on loveshack about not being truly "in love" with their spouse for a number of years, or they talk about a lack of touch, emotion, communication, or connection with their spouse long before they cheated. These people are often living a lie and just never owned up to it with their spouse. They stay in marriages because of children, finances, convenience, safety, security . . . the list goes on and on. Again, the motive is often self-preservation. But is this not living a lie?

 

When we see the 20-year old hot blond marry the 65-year old millionaire, we all know it's a lie. It's blatantly obvious to everyone who reads such tabloid stories what's really the true motive. But most marriages involving a spouse who has lost all emotional interest in the other spouse aren't nearly that obvious . . . and so that spouse who is faking it descends into remaining in the marriage for self-preservation reasons that are often never revealed, and we see millions of individuals in less than happy marriages simply go to the grave with that knowledge every single day.

 

You mentioned not revealing an affair as not allowing for a "good or healthy marriage" to ensue, and I'd argue the same in these facade marriage situations . . . it's just that these types of marriages go unnoticed because they blend in and never pop up on the radar like an full-blown affair does. But they are just as much based on an fabrication or untruth as not revealing the affair are they not?

 

The typical person often gets married for the right reasons. Unfortunately, they typically stay in a marriage that they really want out of for all the wrong reasons.

 

My point is simply this. None of us are completely honest with our spouses and therefore it could be argued that most marriages are indeed built on a lie, and while an affair is and will always be the King of Lies, I would argue that the Queen of Lies is staying in a marriage and allowing / leading your spouse to believe that you truly love them, when in fact you do not . . . but for self-preservation purposes and to "keep the peace" and "avoid conflict" you keep that information to yourself. There really isn't a big difference when you get right down to it.

 

 

BK, most of your posts are very thoughtful and interesting, but this one is just silly. It reminds me of what my Grandma used to say. "Just because the other kids do it, why do you have to"? Are we simply mindless beasts, following our baser instincts? Isn't maturity and an open and honest marriage the goal for all of us? Because we, or at least some of us, would rather NOT be savages, and WANT our relationships to be based on, "the Angels of our better nature", then should we advise a person like Vlove to simply, "go with the flow", and since she has already deceived, to continue the deception? By that reasoning, why try to recover the marriage at all? If deception is always present, then why not continue to deceive and stop wasting time trying to be a better spouse or have a better marriage? Yes, it is a dog's nature to lick his butt, but we are not dogs, are we? Sorry for th T/J but I wanted to answer Blue Knight.

[The Blue Knight]

Blue Knight, this is a brilliant analysis. The saddest thing is when people lie to themselves. Their reluctance to face reality, cold, hard facts.

 

They refuse to acknowledge that their "love" left the marriage long ago, and that they are staying for the financial security, to not rock the boat, to avoid disapproval of their parents & friends, because they are afraid to be alone, ... the list goes on and on. Some people do acknowledge this, hence, their staying until kids are in college or until they get a better paying job. But many just, ultimately, lie to themselves.

 

OW/OM do it too. They lie to themselves that their affair partner will leave, refusing to acknowledge cold, hard reality, and in some cases, this goes on for years. They so want to believe their affair partner, that in essence, they are lying to themselves.

 

Everyone has to walk their own path. Some need to confess an affair. Some feel it would be too hurtful to their spouse. People truly need to make their own decisions about what is best. I am firmly of the "honesty is the best policy" program, it's just easier & I feel we all have to own our behavior, actions in the long run.

 

Spouses who have been cheated on also need to face reality. Instead of solely blaming their spouse and avoiding any responsibility for the marriage falling apart, they need to see if they contribute. I am not saying that a spouse is responsible for their cheating spouse's behavior, I am not, but the deflection of searching for their part in a marriage which led to infidelity, just ignores the problems. I find it astonishing that in a long term sexless marriage, the partner who has refused sex is just "horrified" that their spouse would cheat. Really? One does not have to condone cheating to acknowledge that the withholding partner does indeed have a hand in their own faltering marriage.

People, no matter their situation, need to face their life, honestly. The fake "we're such a happy family" routine when all is not happy, makes me wonder. Why do people live like that? For society's approval? For the neighbor's approval? Why live a lie, what is the gain?

 

Overall, the saddest is to see someone lying to themselves. I think it's stems from cowardice.

I agree that honesty is the best course of action. In fact I believe the statistics bear out that the large percentages of marriages survive affairs (the non-serial cheater type) when confessed.

 

You and I are pretty much on the same page Puppy. I would agree with you completely that there are so many other dynamics that go into many of the situations that lead to illicit affairs, and like you, I don't condone it. But I understand it.

 

 

[JustJoe]

From understanding human frailty to validating bad behavior is a very slippery slope, and (for better or worse) we are judged by our behavior , not our intent.

[The Blue Knight]

I will have to respectfully disagree with this. I am completely honest with my W. For the last 4 years, she has been completely honest with me to my knowledge. My Spidey senses are pretty good too.

 

It is possible to be completely honest. I keep nothing from my W and she keeps nothing from me. We have made a great life out of the ashes of her A. While I agree honesty is not easy at times, it is always the best thing. I would be interested to hear why honesty is NOT the best way of life.

 

You can argue timing, but you can't argue that honesty is not the best way to achieve a strong marriage.

I'm not saying it isn't possible Survived. I'm suggesting that we all suffer from a complete lack of honesty and candor in our relationships, especially in marriages. Anyone who really looks at their day to day interactions with others will recognize this.

 

People here are misinterpreting my remarks to some extent. I do believe honesty is the best approach and my opening remarks state that. But I don't presume to know that what is best for me is also best for Belle. She is the one trying to survive what she did. I've told her that I think telling her husband is the best way to deal with what she did. But it stops there because she has to buy into what approach she thinks will work in her marriage. Perhaps she will open up and tell him in due time. Maybe being on loveshack for the next year will convince her that it's time. Maybe, she'll never tell him and they will still manage to make it.

 

There are so many variables in these situations that they are endless. I don't think there is a cookie-cutter approach because all the personalities, dynamics, interrelationships, etc are completely different. But I still hold as you do that if asked, I'll always tell people that being honest about your affair is best.

 

I'm a very straightforward and honest person in my life and in my marriage. But, even I recognize that I'm not stupid enough to say something to my wife that might be construed as hurtful even if it is true. Not that my wife ever asks me this, but let's take the classic wife question, "Do I look fat in this dress?" and how many husbands are stupid enough to be honest?

 

I am unfortunately honest in those situations which is maybe why I don't get asked.

 

We all pick our battles and decide when we want to be completely honest and when we just want to pass on bringing something up. That's just how humans conduct themselves with others.

 

Given the number of absolutely bogus marriages out involving someone who isn't owning up to how they really "feel" about their marriage or about their spouse, I don't really see much difference between that (lying by omission) and holding back on revealing an affair. They both stem from the same "self-preservation" cornerstone.

 

Maybe the best example is this, and we see this often.

• Wife tells husband that she had an affair.
  
• Husband says "how could you do this to me?"
  
• Wife: I haven't loved you the way I should for the last three years
  
• Husband: Why didn't you tell me that when you began to feel that way three years ago instead of living a lie?
  

Do you see where I'm going with this?

 

The lie of omission is not telling your spouse that you fell out of love with them three years before the affair. The wife stayed in the marriage but was never honest enough, or perhaps brave enough to sit down and tell her husband she no longer could stay in the marriage. The husband feels betrayed not just by the actual affair, but by the fact that his wife never was forthcoming enough to sit him down when the feelings were fleeting and tell him. So he feels twice betrayed. Once because he was never told that she no longer loved him, which would have given him an opportunity (at least in his mind) to remedy the situation, and a second time by the affair itself.

My point is, this is how many marriages work. But the spouse who doesn't have the "in-love" emotions any longer doesn't typically reveal that (for all you lovers of honesty) and that remains a form of betrayal and dishonesty nearly on the level of the affair itself in my humble opinion.

[The Blue Knight]

BK, most of your posts are very thoughtful and interesting, but this one is just silly. It reminds me of what my Grandma used to say. "Just because the other kids do it, why do you have to"? Are we simply mindless beasts, following our baser instincts? Isn't maturity and an open and honest marriage the goal for all of us? Because we, or at least some of us, would rather NOT be savages, and WANT our relationships to be based on, "the Angels of our better nature", then should we advise a person like Vlove to simply, "go with the flow", and since she has already deceived, to continue the deception? By that reasoning, why try to recover the marriage at all? If deception is always present, then why not continue to deceive and stop wasting time trying to be a better spouse or have a better marriage? Yes, it is a dog's nature to lick his butt, but we are not dogs, are we? Sorry for th T/J but I wanted to answer Blue Knight.

Actually I never answered the OP directly Joe, but I would advise her that she either find a way to fall in love with her husband again by revealing what happened in Vegas and why she thinks it's happened, or just opt out of the marriage if she can't dig down and find what she lost for her husband.

 

I am hardly in the "mindless beasts" or "savages" category in my viewpoints. I think that would be more your biological evolutionary types. I'm a firm believer in God and there is accountability for what we do when we depart from this earth.

 

I'm simply pointing out Joe that if we are going to cherish and prize "truth" as so many of you do here, why do we let the spouse who no longer is in love with their husband or wife to walk away scott free? It's still living a lie and a falsehood is it not? It's still grossly unfair to the spouse who is emotionally involved in the marriage and loves their spouse. I'm just talking about consistency, that's all.

[sad puppy]

Yes, people do need to be judged on their actions, not their intent, not their words. People must be held accountable.

 

"Oh, my husband loves me & the kids". Yeah, but he's out in bars 5 nights a week instead of with his family. "My affair partner is leaving, ... (years later they have not). "I love my wife, she's the best mother" all the while the wife can't be bothered to work, to clean, to raise healthy, functioning children.

 

People tell themselves lies all the time. When, in fact, their partner's (or their very own) behaviors just do not add up to measurable reality. We have to own our behaviors. Rationalizing away bad, hurtful behavior - whether our own or others' is a sure fire way to dig yourself deeper into a hole.

 

Delusion. Rationalization. Excuses. Denial. People that incorporate these techniques into their lives often wonder why they come up empty-handed.

Face life head on. It hurts. Break-ups hurt. Divorces hurt. But denying reality solves nothing! Years later, one can wake up and guess what? The husband is still drunk out at the bars, your affair partner is still married, your wife is still a lazy taker.

 

And it always begins with ourself. Always. Sort your own self out, are you honest? Are you living in a way you can be proud of your behaviors? Or are you scared, rationalizing your or your partner's behavior to keep you trapped in your "safety net".

 

Indeed, a slippery slope. Buddha says living in delusion is the worst state to be in. It is true.

 

Everyone needs to dig in to find their courage. We all have it, it's just a matter of finding it. And using it.

 

I've seen people rationalize the most absurd behaviors from others, just so they can stay in their safe little rut. The psychological backbends that people are capable of to justify bad behavior are quite stunning. We've all seen it. Could be to get themselves off the hook or cling to another. Exhausting way to live, I think.

[The Blue Knight]

From understanding human frailty to validating bad behavior is a very slippery slope, and (for better or worse) we are judged by our behavior, not our intent.

I believe our intent is largely what defines who we are, even if I don't act on it. If I get fixated about adultery with another woman, that shows intent. I need not follow up on the actual behavior, but what's in our minds and hearts does define who we are.

 

Moreover, most state laws even recognize this. Take theft for instance. Removal of another individuals property is unlawful and considered theft, but most state statutes want the proof of "intent" to be shown before a conviction. This is true of nearly any criminal law. Intent is the crux of what gains a conviction, not simply the behavior itself.

[The Blue Knight]

Yes, people do need to be judged on their actions, not their intent, not their words. People must be held accountable.

 

"Oh, my husband loves me & the kids". Yeah, but he's out in bars 5 nights a week instead of with his family. "My affair partner is leaving, ... (years later they have not). "I love my wife, she's the best mother" all the while the wife can't be bothered to work, to clean, to raise healthy, functioning children.

 

People tell themselves lies all the time. When, in fact, their partner's (or their very own) behaviors just do not add up to measurable reality. We have to own our behaviors. Rationalizing away bad, hurtful behavior - whether our own or others' is a sure fire way to dig yourself deeper into a hole.

 

Delusion. Rationalization. Excuses. Denial. People that incorporate these techniques into their lives often wonder why they come up empty-handed.

Face life head on. It hurts. Break-ups hurt. Divorces hurt. But denying reality solves nothing! Years later, one can wake up and guess what? The husband is still drunk out at the bars, your affair partner is still married, your wife is still a lazy taker.

 

And it always begins with ourself. Always. Sort your own self out, are you honest? Are you living in a way you can be proud of your behaviors? Or are you scared, rationalizing your or your partner's behavior to keep you trapped in your "safety net".

 

Indeed, a slippery slope. Buddha says living in delusion is the worst state to be in. It is true.

 

Everyone needs to dig in to find their courage. We all have it, it's just a matter of finding it. And using it.

 

I've seen people rationalize the most absurd behaviors from others, just so they can stay in their safe little rut. The psychological backbends that people are capable of to justify bad behavior are quite stunning. We've all seen it. Could be to get themselves off the hook or cling to another. Exhausting way to live, I think.

I don't recall who said it off the top of my head, but it's very true . . .

 

"Your reputation is who you are when people are watching . . . your character is defined by what you do when nobody is watching."

[sad puppy]

I don't recall who said it off the top of my head, but it's very true . . .

 

"Your reputation is who you are when people are watching . . . your character is defined by what you do when nobody is watching."

 

And everyone has different codes of conduct for their own lives, probably their upbringing, and mental state as well as being able to self examine all play a part in their decision making. Some people can live their whole lives with their heads shoved up their asses, ignoring reality, making selfish choices, and others, ... are the first to self censor. "To be true to thy own self" is a very good philosophy as we all only get one life, we get one chance to live authentically, and we had better use our time wisely, not only on behalf of others but on behalf of our very own selves.

 

To me, this is where living honestly begins. With our own self. And with that, we may go on to be honest with others, leading to a true and real life. Excuse-making, delusions, rationalizations only get in the way. Just like an old house which one keeps wallpapering over, at some point, you know there's nothing "real" underneath, it's all the crap on top that's holding it together. Rip it down! Live in the truth cuz otherwise, it's all gonna come crashing down at some point, just like the old walls.

[Bellechica]

Bella, you are moving in the right direction but stop acting so high and righteous because you stopped the affair for a month.

 

 

 

But you are someone who had two long term affairs and still glorify the OM. You did things with OM that you denied your H. That is not something to brag about.

An extreme analogy would be a rapist bragging that he stopped raping for a couple of months.

 

 

 

 

Let us say you invested a lot of money with me that you will cash out in 15 years and I lost all the money due to bad luck or poor decisions. So should I tell you immediately or should I wait and tell you on the due date ? You are not going to get the money back anyway. Should I take the "pain" of not telling you for 15 years?

 

 

You self diagnosed yourself as not being a NPD in a different post. I think you should get a professional opinion(only after he gets the complete truth though). I think you have some characteristics of being a Narcissist.

 

That is not a self-diagnoses just so you know. I have been in IC. I'm not a narcissist, but I also do not have low self-esteem like many WW. I may have glorified the OM at some point, but as each day passes and with the continued NC, the clearer I am able to view reality.

Now for your comment about me doing things sexually with the OM that I deny my H, that is absurd. You have NO idea about the sexual issues in my M or the things I wish my H would do to me or the fact that when I have asked, my H has denied me. I won't go into details, but I will acknowledge that our intimacy issue is the biggest hurdle we have to confront to save our M.

I refuse to live a lie and pretend that we are the perfect couple. I am not a trophy wife who could have left my H for these other men. I refuse to walk out on my H because I love him and he deserves a chance for us to confront our issues.

Prior to the As, I should have had the strength, determination, and courage to insist that we work on the M. I did try to confront him prior but I was too much of a conflict avoider and weakling at that time to insist we get help. I have gained strength because I know how much we both could lose.

[sad puppy]

Belle, you sound like you are thinking clearly and doing a fine job seeing things truthfully and trying to be considerate and analyzing your own stuff while maintaining your self esteem - all very good, I'd say. Good luck to you!

These situations are never easy, and people online just don't know your details, but to me, you sound pretty level headed. Life just doesn't break down into black and white, quite frankly, at times, it's a mess, but it sounds like you are walking your journey with eyes wide open.

[Bellechica]

Belle, you sound like you are thinking clearly and doing a fine job seeing things truthfully and trying to be considerate and analyzing your own stuff while maintaining your self esteem - all very good, I'd say. Good luck to you!

These situations are never easy, and people online just don't know your details, but to me, you sound pretty level headed. Life just doesn't break down into black and white, quite frankly, at times, it's a mess, but it sounds like you are walking your journey with eyes wide open.

 

Thanks sad puppy. Eyes wide open and boundaries in check. I am watching the vibe I give off to men as well. I'm not going to repeat my bad choices. I just feel that my H is now willing to try. I don't expect everything to improve over night, but I see that we both are willing and reconnecting and willing to compromise.

[sad puppy]

Thanks sad puppy. Eyes wide open and boundaries in check. I am watching the vibe I give off to men as well. I'm not going to repeat my bad choices. I just feel that my H is now willing to try. I don't expect everything to improve over night, but I see that we both are willing and reconnecting and willing to compromise.

 

And that is where you begin ... Life is a learning experience, kudos to you for moving in the right direction.

[jh52]

That is not a self-diagnoses just so you know. I have been in IC. I'm not a narcissist, but I also do not have low self-esteem like many WW. I may have glorified the OM at some point, but as each day passes and with the continued NC, the clearer I am able to view reality.

Now for your comment about me doing things sexually with the OM that I deny my H, that is absurd. You have NO idea about the sexual issues in my M or the things I wish my H would do to me or the fact that when I have asked, my H has denied me. I won't go into details, but I will acknowledge that our intimacy issue is the biggest hurdle we have to confront to save our M.

I refuse to live a lie and pretend that we are the perfect couple. I am not a trophy wife who could have left my H for these other men. I refuse to walk out on my H because I love him and he deserves a chance for us to confront our issues.

Prior to the As, I should have had the strength, determination, and courage to insist that we work on the M. I did try to confront him prior but I was too much of a conflict avoider and weakling at that time to insist we get help. I have gained strength because I know how much we both could lose.

HI Bella -- May I suggest your husband go to IC as well -- and you both attend MC. It sounds like you strayed because of issues in the bedroom -- if it is medical for your husband -- make a doctors appointment. If it is between his ears -- hopefully hearing you talk about your want and needs in front of a doctor/MC will help him understand how important this is to you. If two people are broke in a marriage -- each one has to fix themselves before there is any chance for the marriage to succeed.

[The Blue Knight]

Your marriage will not know peace as long as you continue to lie and cheat. And by lying you still are cheating

Actively engaging in cheating is still cheating. Not coming to the forefront with it is not being honest, but it's far from continuing to go on cheating.

[Wanderer25]

That is not a self-diagnoses just so you know. I have been in IC. I'm not a narcissist, but I also do not have low self-esteem like many WW.

 

Does the IC know about the affairs? You say you don't have self esteem issues, but what is seeking out other men for emotional intimacy? I hope you have a good IC and he has the full picture.

 

Now for your comment about me doing things sexually with the OM that I deny my H, that is absurd. You have NO idea about the sexual issues in my M or the things I wish my H would do to me or the fact that when I have asked, my H has denied me. I won't go into details, but I will acknowledge that our intimacy issue is the biggest hurdle we have to confront to save our M.

 

My mistake, I based this on your post that you did things with OM that you never did with your H.

 

I refuse to live a lie and pretend that we are the perfect couple.

 

Ok, this is laughable. You are living a lie.

 

I am not a trophy wife who could have left my H for these other men. I refuse to walk out on my H because I love him and he deserves a chance for us to confront our issues.

 

This does not make any sense? What chance does he deserve when you have the affair and he does not know anything about it? Pretty word play that does not make any sense?

 

Prior to the As, I should have had the strength, determination, and courage to insist that we work on the M.

 

Now you don't have the courage to confess what you did.Excuses, excuses, excuses. You always have one ready. Kids, parents disowning, the good kid, the golden girl of office, black OM(s), your husband might not want to know of the affair...

 

I am sensing that you are taking some control in your life and marriage and the confidence in those areas is seeping into the wrong areas.

 

I did try to confront him prior but I was too much of a conflict avoider and weakling at that time to insist we get help.

 

Deja vu much? How is it any different now? The ship if full of hole. Closing out a few of them won't help in the long term

 

I have gained strength because I know how much we both could lose.

 

 

Good luck

[Wanderer25]

Just so you know, you did come a long way since you started posting . And I applaud whatever you are doing to save your marriage. I just am concerned that the foundation it has being built on is extremely damaged.

 

Sorry for the t/j

[standtall]

Ok, so not only is your solution to get away with cheating, but to be a liar and deceiver as well.

 

Got it.

 

They go hand and hand....it is in the nature of cheating. Besides, keeping a sinful secret is not the same as lying if no one asks. Deceiving...maybe, but as blue knight pointed out by his extensive experience of dealing with people that are in trouble, it is in our nature to lie and deceive when it comes to self preservation.

 

I put a lot of if's in my opinion to the original poster about whether to confess of not...most of which the answers to are obviously no. Based on that, I happen to to agree with most of the posters here, and that she should just let it all out and let him decide what is next. I agree that she most likely will do it again as well. But everyone else gave her that advice..I was merely pointing some other options out for her..morally right or wrong.

Edited May 20, 2012 by standtall

[SomedayDig]

Besides, keeping a sinful secret is not the same as lying if no one asks..

 

Wow. Just wow.

[standtall]

Wow. Just wow.

 

We all have our opinion's about morality, and we all lie and deceive at one time or another. This holier than thou sense of absolutism baffles me. Human nature is very complex and seldom black and white. I bet every poster here, myself included, has a sinful secret that they are keeping, so I will not cast the first stone.

Edited May 20, 2012 by standtall

[Bellechica]

It is disheartening that Vlove isn't posting here in her thread. In her OP she is so conflicted because she had the fling and it felt good, but she knows it is wrong. She may have another A. She is longing for excitement and romance.

 

If I could go back in time, I would never have had the As. I would do as am doing now: continuing with IC (yes the therapist knows of the As), and give 100 percent effort into fighting for my family. I am no longer avoiding conflict by pretending everything is okay with me, with my H, with us, but I'm not approaching our problems negatively. I am modeling the changes we need. I'm accepting somethings that I have resented for so long. In my original thread, I resented having to always intiate intimacy with my H. I felt rejected. I'm trying to be less aggressive and approach more passively. I know there are certain things my H will not do, and these aren't deal breakers for me. When you love someone, you sacrifice certain things.

 

I know cheating is wrong. I know lying is wrong. I know deceiving is wrong. I also strongly believe that it would be wrong to knowingly inflict pain on my family when I know I will not repeat my behaviors and have another A. Telling my H what I've done and causing him pain and destroying his world is cruel.

 

I feel like a broken record and the posters who disagree with me should feel the same at this point, so we will just have to agree to disagree.

I am doing what I believe is best for MY family. Call it what you wish self-preservation, deception, evil, etc..... You may give it any name you wish, but I will say for me, it is called "choose the path which inflicts the least harm to the majority".

[Bellechica]

Belle, you can't use your family as a cop out. I know you think that makes you sound righteous but trust me nobody is buying it. For a long time you didn't care about your family; every time you banged the other men you weren't thinking about your family; every time you exposed your H to an STD you weren't thinking about your family; every time you made fools out of your family you weren't thinking about them; every time your chose the other men over your family you weren't thinking about them.

 

 

The reason you don't want to tell is because you are afraid of the negative repercussions that you may feel after being honest. You are still just thinking about yourself and nothing has changed. You are in self-presevation mode and you will do anything to convince yourself that lying is the best road. You are even convincing yourself that your lying is making you a martyr for your family.

 

You are still just thinking about yourself and you have long painful road ahead of you.

 

Broken record

 

Bentnotbroken, I'm a diest.