Ex BF problem

[Nicky]

I am going crazy. I'm 32- my ex is 47. We were together 18months, and I split up with him in June, believing we had too many problems.

 

We still care very deeply for each other, and have solved some of the problems as to why we split up. Who knows if the other problems can be resolved. I used to believe that if you'd tried hard and things weren't working, don't settle for second best, and move on. But I do know of people, who seemingly against all odds, manage to make things work. Time can heal. Love can win at the end of the day-sometimes.

 

When it comes to emotional issues, he finds it extremely difficult to open up. I sense how he feels about me, but to be honest don't like assuming. I shouldn't have to mindread.The best way of knowing how he feels is to hear it from him. He disagrees, thinking I should just be able to tell.

 

Sometimes, he makes out he doesn't really care, but acts very differently. (though there are no sexual relations going on).

 

I am trying to get on with my life. If you love someone let them go, and if they love you they'll come back. But he is choosing to read my actions as rejection, saying I've chosen to get on with my life, implying I'm not interested (despite me telling him I still love him deeply). As to the chances of a reunion he says "never say never", which to me sounds like a crumb of hope. I have the distinct feeling he won't chase me.I think his pride will prevent him. He dislikes the fact that I have initiated any changes in our relationship. I am cast in the role of bad girl.

 

So, if I stay in touch- as we have til now, on a friendship basis, then he has his "insurance policy". He will think I'm still there for him, and he'll be right. Whilst I see him, the emotional closeness I have with him continues. And whilst I am there he doesn't have to decide what he wants. Why would he have to if I'm still around?

 

If I try to get on with my life, I am given the impression I'll have lost any chance of a reunion. It'll be all my fault, probably for not being more patient. Should I be more patient?

 

I can't see the wood for the trees.

 

What is going on here?

 

We are likely still to see each other a bit at work. Is that a good idea?I guess part of me doesn't want to cut all lines of communication just in case. I've let myself be hooked on hope, with him feeding me morsels every now and again to feed my habit.

 

What is going on here?

 

What should I do? Call his bluff?

[Tony T]

Why are you involving him in this thing? This whole situation is of of your creation. He is conducting himself admirably. You are not.

 

You are the one who ended the relationship because of insurmountable problems. I am making the assumption that you did all you could to solve them before making the decision to terminate the relationship.

 

Your post is vague but it sounds like you tried to solve some of the problems that caused you to want to break up after the fact. Some of the problems remain.

 

Your main problem, it seems, was expressiveness. There are some people who are very verbal with their "I Love You's." He is not. However, you were a lot better off with a guy who really loved you and didn't express it so often than you would have been with a guy who did so and didn't mean it. But you need someone to say these things and he wasn't the guy and, at his age, most likely he would have never been. He was probably not raised in an affectionate family or one that often communicated matters such as this.

 

You said in your post, "If you love someone let them go, and if they love you they'll come back." Neither part of that is true. If you love someone but they are not meeting critical needs that you have, at that time you must let them go. If they truly love you they will remain apart from you so you will be free to find someone that more fully meets your needs. That is love. It takes much more than love to hold two people together. And it takes a great deal more love to stay away so that the beloved can find true hapiness. That is what this man is showing.

 

So you broke up with him and you are wrapped up in this thing about getting him to return. You seem to have cast this entire returning thing upon him. He is an older, wiser man and he knows when a woman has rejected him, he must move on. Surely he loves you but he is smart enough to know there are changes he simply can't make. He sounds like a really nice guy and you may be hard pressed to find one nicer. But surely you'll find one who will verbally communicate his love to you more often if that is what you want. This is obviously a very pressing need for you personally. He cannot meet it.

 

You have got to cut all lines of communication. When you break up with someone, that is the deal. You give each other time to heal and move on with your lives. Why did you break up with him if you were going to cling onto him? Why are you wanting to still cling to the possibility of him coming back into your life? When you break up, that is a statement that you have totally given up and you want to change the course of your life. Maybe nobody ever told you.

 

You say you may be hooked on hope. A woman who breaks up with a man she loves is hooked on other than hope. Again, if you did everything possible to salvage the relationship and nothing worked, you were absolutely corrected to break up. It is impractical at this point to hope for anything. He has gotten your message loud and clear. Most women would relish the thought of a man respecting her wishes. Now, you must cut the chains in your mind and begin anew. Yes, of course, you love him but continue to remember the problems that cannot be solved here, the needs that cannot be met. It is only natural to miss someone you love but it is with love for yourself that you move on to something more personally satisfying and fulfilling.

 

I think your ex is great and conducting himself with love, kindness, dignity, and charm. Too bad more guys aren't that way. He would be mad to want to come back for a second broken heart because he knows there are things about himself you don't like that he can't change.

 

YOUR LAST QUESTIONS: "What is going on here?

 

What do you mean by this? You broke up with this guy. He is complying fully and quite kindly with your wishes. He is not stalking you, pestering you, etc. He is being an absolute gentleman. Don't expect him to be at your feet begging for mercy and for another chance for you to shoot him down. A man of his age has been hurt all too many times for that kind of crap.

 

What should I do?

 

If you honestly and truly want this guy back, your ONLY alternative is to apologize to him for making such a mistake. Let him know you can't live without him. And tell him you can live with him EXACTLY LIKE HE IS, WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CHANGES...AND MEAN IT!!!

 

This may get him back and it may not...but it's your only shot. Love him just like he is or find someone you CAN love just like they are. Why do women always want to change a man instead of finding one who needs relatively few changes?

 

Call his bluff?

 

Call his bluff about what??? May I remind you that it was YOU, not HE, that broke up the relationship. Again, he is behaving absolutely graciously for what has happened. You could not possibly have asked for a nicer man to break up with. He is a real gem. Just pray to the heavens that if you ever have to break up with another guy, he will handle things like this one. You are a lucky lady!!!

[Nicky]

Why are you involving him in this thing? This whole situation is of of your creation. He is conducting himself admirably. You are not.

 

You are the one who ended the relationship because of insurmountable problems. I am making the assumption that you did all you could to solve them before making the decision to terminate the relationship. Your post is vague but it sounds like you tried to solve some of the problems that caused you to want to break up after the fact. Some of the problems remain. Your main problem, it seems, was expressiveness. There are some people who are very verbal with their "I Love You's." He is not. However, you were a lot better off with a guy who really loved you and didn't express it so often than you would have been with a guy who did so and didn't mean it. But you need someone to say these things and he wasn't the guy and, at his age, most likely he would have never been. He was probably not raised in an affectionate family or one that often communicated matters such as this. You said in your post, "If you love someone let them go, and if they love you they'll come back." Neither part of that is true. If you love someone but they are not meeting critical needs that you have, at that time you must let them go. If they truly love you they will remain apart from you so you will be free to find someone that more fully meets your needs. That is love. It takes much more than love to hold two people together. And it takes a great deal more love to stay away so that the beloved can find true hapiness. That is what this man is showing. So you broke up with him and you are wrapped up in this thing about getting him to return. You seem to have cast this entire returning thing upon him. He is an older, wiser man and he knows when a woman has rejected him, he must move on. Surely he loves you but he is smart enough to know there are changes he simply can't make. He sounds like a really nice guy and you may be hard pressed to find one nicer. But surely you'll find one who will verbally communicate his love to you more often if that is what you want. This is obviously a very pressing need for you personally. He cannot meet it. You have got to cut all lines of communication. When you break up with someone, that is the deal. You give each other time to heal and move on with your lives. Why did you break up with him if you were going to cling onto him? Why are you wanting to still cling to the possibility of him coming back into your life? When you break up, that is a statement that you have totally given up and you want to change the course of your life. Maybe nobody ever told you. You say you may be hooked on hope. A woman who breaks up with a man she loves is hooked on other than hope. Again, if you did everything possible to salvage the relationship and nothing worked, you were absolutely corrected to break up. It is impractical at this point to hope for anything. He has gotten your message loud and clear. Most women would relish the thought of a man respecting her wishes. Now, you must cut the chains in your mind and begin anew. Yes, of course, you love him but continue to remember the problems that cannot be solved here, the needs that cannot be met. It is only natural to miss someone you love but it is with love for yourself that you move on to something more personally satisfying and fulfilling. I think your ex is great and conducting himself with love, kindness, dignity, and charm. Too bad more guys aren't that way. He would be mad to want to come back for a second broken heart because he knows there are things about himself you don't like that he can't change. YOUR LAST QUESTIONS: "What is going on here? What do you mean by this? You broke up with this guy. He is complying fully and quite kindly with your wishes. He is not stalking you, pestering you, etc. He is being an absolute gentleman. Don't expect him to be at your feet begging for mercy and for another chance for you to shoot him down. A man of his age has been hurt all too many times for that kind of crap. What should I do? If you honestly and truly want this guy back, your ONLY alternative is to apologize to him for making such a mistake. Let him know you can't live without him. And tell him you can live with him EXACTLY LIKE HE IS, WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CHANGES...AND MEAN IT!!! This may get him back and it may not...but it's your only shot. Love him just like he is or find someone you CAN love just like they are. Why do women always want to change a man instead of finding one who needs relatively few changes?

 

Call his bluff? Call his bluff about what??? May I remind you that it was YOU, not HE, that broke up the relationship. Again, he is behaving absolutely graciously for what has happened. You could not possibly have asked for a nicer man to break up with. He is a real gem. Just pray to the heavens that if you ever have to break up with another guy, he will handle things like this one. You are a lucky lady!!! Thank you for your candour. You are right on many points.

 

His mother was a bitch from hell. He married mistakenly at 20. One daughter 21, is manic depressive, and self-nutilates. The other, 22, refuses to have contact with him, alleging sexual abuse, however is unable to give any instances and appears to be immensely troubled.

 

My ex has control issues e.g. deliberately with-holding sex and affection. Some control issues have been dealt with. I fear that not all have, he disagrees.

 

I agree entirely with you- I should be able to accept him for who he is. I guess I should accept he could always have his problems.

 

He has behaved well, but then he invited me on holiday, which is where I get the mixed messages from.

 

I guess I was hoping more would be solved, and that the fairytale ending I long for would come true But there's no guarantees in life, are there?

 

Many thanks

[Nicky]

His mother was a bitch from hell. He married mistakenly at 20. One daughter 21, is manic depressive, and self-nutilates. The other, 22, refuses to have contact with him, alleging sexual abuse, however is unable to give any instances and appears to be immensely troubled. My ex has control issues e.g. deliberately with-holding sex and affection. Some control issues have been dealt with. I fear that not all have, he disagrees. I agree entirely with you- I should be able to accept him for who he is. I guess I should accept he could always have his problems. He has behaved well, but then he invited me on holiday, which is where I get the mixed messages from. I guess I was hoping more would be solved, and that the fairytale ending I long for would come true But there's no guarantees in life, are there? Many thanks

p.s.

 

I'm not sure he knows about broken hearts that much. He was never in love til he met me. Had few GF's, married his wife cos she was pregnant.

 

If a man doesn't fall in love til he's 46, is that bad luck or an attitude?

[Tony T]

This man has serious problems, many more than you are aware of. So he didn't fall in love until he was 46? My take on that is, again, he had many issues from his past...from childhood forward...that prevent him from feeling and expressing the brand of romantic love you seek.

 

I am truly sorry I did not help you solve much here but I dare say this would be a challenge even for Sigmund Freud, if he even decided to take the case.

 

You cannot control this man or how he is but you can surely control yourself. You are still young. Go for what you want in a relationship when the opportunities present themselves.

 

Good luck!!!

[Nicky]

This man has serious problems, many more than you are aware of. So he didn't fall in love until he was 46? My take on that is, again, he had many issues from his past...from childhood forward...that prevent him from feeling and expressing the brand of romantic love you seek. I am truly sorry I did not help you solve much here but I dare say this would be a challenge even for Sigmund Freud, if he even decided to take the case. You cannot control this man or how he is but you can surely control yourself. You are still young. Go for what you want in a relationship when the opportunities present themselves. Good luck!!!

Thanks. I know it's difficult to get a full take on a picture when you only see it in the form of a brief message, and especially when there are always two sides to the story. My problem is very confusing for me where my heart says one thing, and my head another.

 

Thanks for your initial comments- you put me straight on a number of issues where I was placing responsibility upon him, for what are my own issues.

[Deejette]

I have noticed that some men have a hard time with expressing their feelings verbally. For example, I know a man who shows me every consideration and come up with romantic and fun excursions and gifts, shows me he is there for me in many ways, yet has never told me he loved me.

 

He told me saying "I love you," was just not part of his family life. He said his mother never tucked him in at night with a kiss and a hug, said she loved him, or even gave him a compliment. So he doesn't know how to show affection in conventionally expected ways, yet shows me he cares very much in others.

 

You may have been trying to get him to declare himself passionately to you and he is just not capable of it because of his upbringing and personality type. By leaving him, you hoped he would come after you and break down his emotional barriers. But it backfired because now he will be more cautious than ever about getting involved with you again.

Thanks. I know it's difficult to get a full take on a picture when you only see it in the form of a brief message, and especially when there are always two sides to the story. My problem is very confusing for me where my heart says one thing, and my head another. Thanks for your initial comments- you put me straight on a number of issues where I was placing responsibility upon him, for what are my own issues.