Author Searchin81 Posted August 16, 2012 Author Share Posted August 16, 2012 i have made a lot of changes since then. I have focused on improving myself Professionally and have made great strides. I am happy prolifically now. I'm On my own. I was at a bad place at that point in my life as i just was broken up with him and was feeling really low, and was very depressed from my break up. I feel like an entirely different person now than i did then. And thats how i came around to seeing how i could have done alot differently. But after all this time, all those changes and the darkness i came out of My love for him still abides. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 Cheating MMs tend to be more attentive to women that are willing to become OWs. On the other hand normal single men seem less attentive because they have the entire field available to them. MMs do not have the entire field because most women pay no attention to the advancers of cheating MMs. However, when a cheating MM finds a woman that is willing to listen he will go all out. This is true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 as far as my situation with him is concerned.. i'm not sure what place i am in with him right now i would say i am just a friend, thats all Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 i don't think he has been smoothing talking me other than telling me how good i look and how he gets excited looking at my pictures. he isn't saying i love you or anything or saying anything sweet. We didn't have phone sex, we just text. I have not talked to him on a phone in over 2 years. OW again??? I don't remember being his OW a first time Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 if i am not just a friend what am i? I don't consider our relationship anything more.. in fact I'm hesitant to say we are even friends Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 if i am not just a friend what am i? I don't consider our relationship anything more.. in fact I'm hesitant to say we are even friends Then what's the point of keeping in touch with him by texting? Even more so since he's married and if you open that door again after TWO years - you're gonna be hurt all over again. I guess I don't understand how you can go through 2 years of NC, go on with your life (yes you love him, and always will but that doesn't mean he has to BE in your life) fix yourself, become independant etc..And you're opening that door again, setting yourself up for a fall if you choose to go back and have an affair with him. Obviously you get to feel feelings again, they've come alive by texting with him, so other than that, what are you truly getting out of this? Do you think by getting involved with him this way will lead you to him in your daily life? As the OW, in an affair? Then if that happens, you will miss out on a real one on one relationship with someone else, a man who can give you his ALL instead of just bits and pieces. Think about this long term, not just in the moment and excitement of how he makes you feel now. This will do damage to you..Remember why you two ended it 2 years ago? How much you've grown since then? You're throwing all that progress away...For what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 You have giving me a lot to think about. Very interesting statement about missing out on a real relationship. I never thought of it this way. I just dont know how to ignore how i feel about him. i try but it wont go away Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 You have giving me a lot to think about. Very interesting statement about missing out on a real relationship. I never thought of it this way. I just dont know how to ignore how i feel about him. i try but it wont go away The only way to lessen how you feel about him is to detach and not have him in your life. Time and space is on your side as time heals all wounds. If you can get busy and focus on you, your life, your friends, family etc and not let yourself think of him too often, it'll just happen over time..You'll automatically detach and you'll be out of the habit of thinking of him, fantasizing, wishing/hoping. You are hanging onto him, the memories of how he made/makes you feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 I just feel we should have never broke up and it was all a lot of miscommunication and stubbornness on both our parts. He told me he regretted eveyrthing but i didn't believe him. I still think he has feelings for me I know before he got engaged and met this person he told me he was feeling lonely without me and slept on the couch cause he didn't like being in bed alone.. and he thought that if it didn't work with me he would always be alone. But u make some very valid points. the most powerful being that I will miss out on a relationship while i play second fiddle if i keep talking to him Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 But you two DID break up and it's over. He's married and moved on. He isn't leaving and divorcing to be with you .. but he may continue an A on the side. Look, if you are OK being his side dish, spending time with him when he can squeeze you into his life, then go for it but accept things as they are, an affair..It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. See, I believe you're better than being someone's side dish, even though you love him all your heart, it won't be enough for you to just have moments in time with him, not being able to include in all of your life and not being included in all of his life. This is your life and whatever you choose, own it and be okay with it. Stop looking backwards, that's part of your issue is wishing for what it once was.. Your reality and what you feel for him isn't what he feels for you, enough for him to leave and divorce his wife to be with you. That's a pipe dream of yours you need to let go of. Leave the past in the past, things didn't work out for whatever reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 17, 2012 Author Share Posted August 17, 2012 then why did he start liking stuff on Facebook after me.. everything i liked he would.. then he liked my comment specifically.. then i got a text and all went from there.. why is he doing this? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 then why did he start liking stuff on Facebook after me.. everything i liked he would.. then he liked my comment specifically.. then i got a text and all went from there.. why is he doing this? Why are you two facebook friends to begin with? Anyway, it's an ego feed. To see if you'd take the bait, if you were still interested. *Not maliciously but selfishly*. And you reacted, after TWO years of NC, question really should be why let an ex back into your life who is still married and you can't have. He does this because he can. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 then why did he start liking stuff on Facebook after me.. everything i liked he would.. then he liked my comment specifically.. then i got a text and all went from there.. why is he doing this? Low. Hanging. Fruit. Sorry, but that's what it is.... The real question is do you want to be the OW. And it seems you do. Come back when it gets rough. And it will. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 17, 2012 Share Posted August 17, 2012 then why did he start liking stuff on Facebook after me.. everything i liked he would.. then he liked my comment specifically.. then i got a text and all went from there.. why is he doing this? Because he's getting the thrill of the chase...he's getting a response from you that makes him feel good about himself. If you didn't respond, didn't acknowledge what he's doing...he'd go away, because you wouldn't be providing that thrill. The same thing applies to the sexting... He does it because YOU RESPOND TO IT. Here's the bottom line...if he's "not cheating"...then ask him to share his text conversations with you, and all of the facebook stuff he shared with you...with his wife. If it's "not cheating", if there's "nothing wrong with it"...then there's no reason at all to hide it, right? There's your litmus test. How do YOU think she'd respond to seeing all of that? Does it have to be hidden in order for it to continue? If so...he's cheating, it's an affair, and you're his "other woman". You're his dirty secret. Is that what you want? Is that how you'd like to have him re-enter your life? Is that how you want to restart a relationship with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bingosmom Posted August 18, 2012 Share Posted August 18, 2012 I am in your same position. My MM doesn't have the privacy to be with me as much as he says he wants. Get on with your life, don't parse his every word and text. He will be in touch with you if he wants to be in touch. Maintain the NC...try not to think about him and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_orchid Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 I think he can't get you off his mind. You don't spend a long time texting someone, especially as you two have history, if you're happily married. I think maybe in this situation you would be best to demand a proper meeting. Texting is silly really, as you can't tell real emotions, and it's easy to say things. Meet him, if he will agree. Put your cards on the table about how you feel and ask him to do the same. Trying to go 'No Contact' is not really going to work is it. If he won't meet, you have your answer! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 (edited) Pink. I have thought about asking him to meet but i don't think i am going to do that yet. I don't think the situation is that dire or that i am in intimidate need of an answer. I will just see what happens and where things go. Its interesting though he adds in his text sometimes "Talk to you later" rather than any hint of finality in it. Why do you think he can't get me off of his mind? He has been with this person two years now and married a year.. why all of a sudden would be be thinking of me? Why would he have even gotten married in the first place if he wanted me? I would like to believe that but im not convinced of it myself. Edited August 19, 2012 by Searchin81 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 Did you answer if the W is pregnant or had a baby? If you don't know, I suggest you ask. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 19, 2012 Author Share Posted August 19, 2012 Neither. Not preg or expecting. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted August 19, 2012 Share Posted August 19, 2012 That makes it easier. If you really want to be with him, sit him down and tell him that you do; ask for a divorce. Let him know how you'd do thigs different. Do not become the other woman, and don't text. That won't bring you a R if that's what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Share Posted August 20, 2012 lol cute.. i think that idea is crazy! lol I couldn't dare say something like that. He might look at me like im crazy lol even if he did want me i doubt it could be as simple as sitting him down saying please get divorced so we could be together lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Share Posted August 20, 2012 i dont think of it as him surfing the waters and using me. Maybe he realizes he loves me or there is something still there. I don't know but i don't think i should pressure anything right now, he may need time to sort out his thoughts like i did. The worst thing i could do is pressure him one way or the other im sure anyone would go running in that situation, myself included Link to post Share on other sites
It's Just Me Posted August 20, 2012 Share Posted August 20, 2012 Oh, this reminds me of a man I dated once upon a time. We had a crazy courtship, and then he disappeared after two weeks. Fast-forward two years, and he's in touch again. "Hey, how are you?" turned into "How about some wine and a movie at your place?" and I was all over that. He's back! Yay! I allowed it, despite it being on a Monday. One Monday turned into another Monday a few weeks later, and another after that - always last-minute plans, too. I didn't question the Monday thing, as I knew he travelled a lot for work and was a busy guy - I was pretty busy, too. If nothing else, he and I always had this incredible mental and physical chemistry. We were a perfect match, in my mind. And he'd always find a way to work his way over to my side of the couch. A touch always turned into a cuddle, which turned into a kiss, which turned into a make-out session, but I always stayed clear of sex (thank God). On the fourth Monday, we were sitting on my apartment balcony, having some wine, chatting and enjoying a full moon rising over the lake, with the prospect of another movie just waiting to run in a few minutes. All of a sudden, it hit me. Mondays. I was The Hider. The Chick on The Side. I looked over at him, and said, "Y'know... this Monday thing is starting to make me think that I'm your hider, or something like that. Are you still with someone?" Turns out that he was, indeed, still with the same woman he had been dating for two years, but they were in a rough patch. It had never occurred to me that he wasn't single, given the attention he had been paying to me via text when we weren't together. I felt like such an idiot. But that was the end of that, after I escorted him out of my place. As lessons go, that was a fairly easy one, and I am thankful that I kept my pants on and my emotions in check. Being the OW has never appealed to me in the least. I am incapable of playing second fiddle to anyone. But that's just me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Share Posted August 20, 2012 Don't know what to do at this point, or what anything means. I'll just stand back and see what fate has planned Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Share Posted August 20, 2012 Well it's either three of these things.. He just wants me as ow for sex Wants to be friendly Or still loves me No idea which it would be Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts