Texting with my married ex after almost two years NC

[whichwayisup]

The bold part: I heard this from someone that knows him, and "he doesn't think his relationship is working" and then i assuming and making an educated guess based on everything he said to me. Seems like he has alot of regrets over our relationship, and saying he wished things were back like that ect.

 

Unless you 'hear' it from him directly, I wouldn't take it from that person who told you that information. Assuming and making guesses aren't fact. That guy put his own spin on it too. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, only he and his wife know.

 

Searching, how long do you intend to wait it out to see what happens? Can you picture yourself still waiting in 6 months or a year?

[ThatJustHappened]

Soooooo much justifying going on here. Searchin, try to look at this objectively. If this was a friend of yours telling you about the things her married man was saying to her..what would you tell her?

[jmargel]

Searchin.. I think it's best to take a step back from the situation and see it for what it really is. There are a number of factors in this, however there is a couple of points you need to be aware of:

 

1. He is not yours. You two broke up. Doesn't matter if you had him first. He is not a toy, you do not get to call 'dibs' in a relationship.

 

2. His wife is a human being. She has feelings, she has love for him she chose to have her future wit him, you didn't.

 

3. He is going to tell you what you want to hear, he is going to lean on you when things don't go his way in his marriage. When things are good in his marriage you will hear from him less. He is using you as a crutch, nothing more.

 

4. This situation is preventing from you on moving on with your own life. Please don't romanticize the past that you had with him, you two broke up for a reason and although you may have not gotten over it, it still does not entitle you to try to break up the marraige.

 

5. Do you really want a man like this? Remember his flaws, his bad habits. Think he if did leave his wife to be with you, how long would it take for him to have contact with her again? It will put you under major stress because of the fear of losing him again to either his wife or another woman.

 

6. At some point you need to let go of the past. Wish him well. Let him know that no marriage is worth breaking up over another person (even if that other person is an ex). That breaking up of a marriage is only because of either abuse or the couple is no longer compatitable.

 

I was engaged to the love of my life, long story short, she cheated w/ a close friend of mine and left. She married him. First year into the marriage she called, wanting to go out. As bad as I wanted her back, I told her no. I was not going to disrespect myself like this and decided to just hold onto the good times as memories.

 

A few years later she came to my door, asking for forgiveness. I told her I forgave but did not forget. She divorced him and is now married again. She texts and calls (my wife knows and is ok with it) but my ex knows that there are strict boundaries.

 

The thing is, ten years after we split up, I look at her as just another friend of mine, not of the person that I had such a deep and devoted love for. It's a very strange feeling but I gave myself the gift of allowing myself to open up to someone else to whom I am married and have a beautiful daughter with.

 

With your situation I can just see it ending bad for you. What you did previously was the correct thing to do, to block his calls and texts. I know it hurts that he has moved on, but don't let him play this game with you. Right now he is on cloud nine because he has his wife and now his little playmate, which is you. You deserve better.

[rhw]

 

3. He is going to tell you what you want to hear, he is going to lean on you when things don't go his way in his marriage. When things are good in his marriage you will hear from him less. He is using you as a crutch, nothing more.

 

This. (bolded part). it took me so very long to see that (and other posters here can attest to this). my story has a few parallels with yours, Searchin, in that i too had my xMM first before he married HER. she was the "safe bet", the one his family approved of and adored but he was lukewarm about if that. it was me he wanted to marry and me he pursued relentlessly until he gave up and married her because he needed to be with someone. when things in his marriage were all fine and dandy, guess what? i never heard from him. but when it didn't, i'd hear from him. and we'd pick up where we left off and recently, i really thought he was going to leave her for me.

 

and look where i am now. destroyed. sad. my trust in the one person i believed wouldn't hurt me is shattered and blown away w/ a 12 gauge shotgun. not sure how the hell someone i've had 11 years with could leave w/o a word. i'll never know except i must've meant nothing to him. nothing at all other than a filler. yours is NEVER gonna leave her anymore than mine will leave his.

 

you can ignore some of the more caustic/bitter posts (there are a few peppered into this forum) but please take into consideration that if someone is telling you that this is what's going to happen, it very likely will. IF he wanted to be with you, he would be. no excuses. you're lucky in a way that it's only "texting/sexting" right now and not much else. extract yourself now and save yourself the devastation.

[Owl]

why do a few people here automatically assume he is lying? what would the point be in him saying this if he doesn't mean it? I have said similar things to him and i mean it. Why do people here think its impossible that people have a change of heart? Sometimes you don't realize things until they are gone or in hindsight. Whats so bad about that? You cant get everything right. This isn't uncommon that someone runs off gets a rebound wife and then realizes they love someone else. i have read alot about this online. And it works both ways.. sometimes it happens sometimes it doesn't. But i don't have much reason to doubt what he is saying at this point.

 

also for the record.. i know him in person. he is not a person to normally say things like that. He doesn't usually discuss his emotions, im sure it took alot for him to say just that.

 

Why have you not discussed this all with his wife if you feel that he's NOT lying?

 

You've not even acknowledged that as a possible way to get exactly what you want out of all of this...why is that?

[rhw]

oh yeah and it's very rarely that "complicated" to leave an unhappy situation if happiness has been found elsewhere. i learned this. think of all the men who DO leave their gfs or Ws for someone else. they did it because they genuinely wanted to be with that other woman and only that other woman. did they waffle? did they fence sit? likely not. they seized the opportunity, knowing it was still bound to leave a trail of hurt but in the end it was their own life and their own happiness at stake and faking it wasn't going to do. they packed up their bags, filed for D and built a life with the person they felt happiest with. i'm acknowledging it DOES happen that you're with someone already and then someone else comes along and it changes everything. and i'm sure it sucks for the BS to know there's someone else, but it's even worse for the BS and the OW if both ladies are catering to the needs/desires of a man who can't ****ing make up his mind.

 

my two cents.

[Searchin81]

well i haven't told him i want him back yet either. I am to afraid to say that, i am afraid of what he would say either way. I think its possible he might feel the same way.. thats why i think he might have been hinting around if i was with anyone asking "who has been lucky enough to be with you" ect, and asking if i wish i could have our time back ect. But i am to afraid to say how i feel to him. But at this point who knows.. I definitely take everyone's advice into account. I think it can turn out either way but takes time. I just don't see why he would he saying all this stuff if he didn't mean it.

[Searchin81]

pierre im confused by your post.. do u think he wants me for sex or wants to get back with me the way i want him back?

[Owl]

I'm sure he wants sex with you.

 

If you're wanting to know if he wants a RELATIONSHIP with you...well...what are your INDICATORS that lead you to believe that this is what he wants?

 

Has he started freeing himself up to be with you? (started divorce/seperation proceedings?)

 

Has he professed his undying love and devotion to you publicly, irrevokably?

 

Has he told his wife that it's over, and that he wants to be with you?

 

Has he told you that he's told his wife that it's over and he wants to be with you?

 

Here's the thing...you started out claiming that this was nothing...just some semi-innocent texts.

 

If that's all that it was...then how could ANYONE (including yourself) jump to the idea that he wants a long term exclusive relationship with you?

 

If it was MORE than that...then why is this somehow acceptable behavior for a married man?

 

Honestly it sounds to me like you're making much, much more out of these texts than was in there...you're wanting to read more into it than there was/is.

 

Get it all out in the open. Don't leave things open to interpretation...get it all out where it's clearly seen and understood by everyone...you, him, and his wife.

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm sure he wants sex with you.

 

If you're wanting to know if he wants a RELATIONSHIP with you...well...what are your INDICATORS that lead you to believe that this is what he wants?

 

Has he started freeing himself up to be with you? (started divorce/seperation proceedings?)

 

Has he professed his undying love and devotion to you publicly, irrevokably?

 

Has he told his wife that it's over, and that he wants to be with you?

 

Has he told you that he's told his wife that it's over and he wants to be with you?

 

Here's the thing...you started out claiming that this was nothing...just some semi-innocent texts.

 

If that's all that it was...then how could ANYONE (including yourself) jump to the idea that he wants a long term exclusive relationship with you?

 

If it was MORE than that...then why is this somehow acceptable behavior for a married man?

 

Honestly it sounds to me like you're making much, much more out of these texts than was in there...you're wanting to read more into it than there was/is.

 

Get it all out in the open. Don't leave things open to interpretation...get it all out where it's clearly seen and understood by everyone...you, him, and his wife.

 

THIS!!! Except I think he should tell his wife and not you.

[SandRat]

He wants you to be his concubine.

 

It is up to you whether you want to accept that position. Your duty will be to provided sex and secrecy at all times. If he is busy with his wife you will not be expected to complain about it. If he gets his wife pregnant that is none of your business.

 

You should also abstain from sleeping with single men and remain a faithful concubine.

 

It is rather simple.

 

I couldn't do that to someone I care for. That in itself should tell you something. No honorable man would do that. No, I'm not exactly honorable but I wouldn't do that to a woman.

[Searchin81]

whatever.. im not pressing anything one way or the other. Whatever will be will be.. Who knows what will happen in time.. but i still think it means somthing that he is saying all of that.. i dont think they are empty words..he has no reason to say it. I just wish, as he said, that we didnt take each other for granted as we did when we were together.. Why do people learn to late? we really did have a good relationship.. no abuse, we hardly ever fought, great sex life. ect why do we learn to late?