Anyone with experience of an affair with a very close 'friend'?

[secretlady76]

I need some advice before I get myself into a car crash situation. Presumably it would be a bad idea to get involved with a MM who is known well by me and my H.....it can only end in tears right? Knock some sense into me guys....!!!!

[darkmoon]

tears yes, and a ruined life

[d'Arthez]

Tears, heartache, yearning for a few precious stolen moments, and being miserable 98% of the time. If that is what you want, have the affair. If it is not what you want, work on your marriage.

[YellowShark]

I need some advice before I get myself into a car crash situation. Presumably it would be a bad idea to get involved with a MM who is known well by me and my H.....it can only end in tears right? Knock some sense into me guys....!!!!

 

Ya. It would be horrible. I know because my EX did it to me and our social group. It dropped a nuclear bomb on our relationship, (I left,) and created a HUGE mess in the social group. And for what? Sex? Some random ego stroke? Gosh, that's a really high price to pay for sex.

 

It is highly selfish and narcissistic to drive a bus over your husband and social group for your own gratification.

 

Just a warning.

[East7]

I need some advice before I get myself into a car crash situation. Presumably it would be a bad idea to get involved with a MM who is known well by me and my H.....it can only end in tears right? Knock some sense into me guys....!!!!

 

Receipe for disaster, you can be sure.

 

An affair is already a disaster for 2 marriages, add friendship betrayal, reputation in your social circle and you get the picture.

[woinlove]

I need some advice before I get myself into a car crash situation. Presumably it would be a bad idea to get involved with a MM who is known well by me and my H.....it can only end in tears right? Knock some sense into me guys....!!!!

 

Yes, I think it is fairly safe to assume that if you proceed, at some point, you won't like the person you became and neither will others - who will probably see this fact before you do. Not liking yourself feels awful, really awful, and takes a long time to recover from. Some of it may never completely go away, depending on what the fall out is.

[whichwayisup]

I need some advice before I get myself into a car crash situation. Presumably it would be a bad idea to get involved with a MM who is known well by me and my H.....it can only end in tears right? Knock some sense into me guys....!!!!

 

Is it worth losing what you have with your husband? Your life as you know it? All for what -- Flirting and ego feeds, possibly hot sex with another man? Then go ahead and have that affair with the man who knows you both. Hurt your husband, betray him and take the chance of losing all that you love.

 

Anyway, don't do it. This man is NO true friend of yours otherwise he wouldn't be flirting with you this way or even making moves on you. It's a very bad idea so please don't open that door.

[darkmoon]

MM could even be doing this wiv other women too, much to the hidden grief/anger of the woman he committed to

[wellwhynot]

I am involved with a married man. We are very happy together, and I am content with my situation... but I would never recommend to anyone that they actively seek it out. It's incredibly hard at times and you will find yourself torn to shreds on more than one occasion.

If you haven't crossed a line, if you haven't already done it, then you have the space to still walk away.

I didn't realize how far gone I was until I was madly in love with him. Someone always gets hurt, sometimes everyone. Unless you are willing to pay that price, unless you think that it is worth the cost why do it? You sound awfuly blase about the concept. I'd rethink it. Good luck!

[Bellechica]

Please don't do it. I had an A with a very close friend. No one found out about it, but in the end we had to stop because it hurt us both very much. We will never be friends again.

An affair will destroy everything you ever thought you knew about yourself. Just don't do it. Learn from other's mistakes and work on your boundaries. Don't flirt or give off a willingness vibe to MM.

[secretlady76]

I was in a similar situation (EA) before and we had to go NC to stop it and try and kill our feelings. This was several years ago. I vowed I wouldn't get into anything like that again. I sounded as know it all as the rest of you. Now BAM, someone else has turned my head and got me going worse than the last one! The feelings; my God, its what drugs are made of. They make you go barking! I'm currently avoiding situations where I may bump into himas I feel the friendship is suddenly evolving quickly....there are 'innocent' touches, intense eye contact, sexual innuendos.....mmmm....that's how it all starts isn't it? I need to keep a clear head, a sensible head and I can only do that if I'm apart from him.

[Owl]

Well, you already know it's a bad situation.

 

SO...what are you going to DO about that? What do you change? Have you considered why you've twice now (at least) felt the need to explore these kinds of things outside of your marriage? If you have...what are you doing about that?

[RickFox]

You already know the answer, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking.

 

I was friends with my xMW, we hung out all the time, we went out as couples, our kids were best friends, notice I said were. Hell, she and I were best friends, I spoke to her more often than I did with my wife, shared more and so on.

 

Oh it was supposed to be just for fun, until she said she was falling for me and I let my guard down and fell hard for her....and then we got caught, my marriage blew up, her H was spared the knowledge, she turned her back on me, forgot who I was.

 

I nearly destroyed my marriage, nearly lost my wife, still fighting to keep her, lost what I thought was a good friend, and my daughter lost her best friend and doesn't know why (and I know xMW told her daughter to stop talking to mine).

 

So sure, you want to get all F'ed up in the head, find yourself hating the life you're in for a fantasy of which you refuse to believe is a fantasy, and lose all you've worked for go ahead, get it on with your 'friend'. Don't say you weren't warned.

[whichwayisup]

I was in a similar situation (EA) before and we had to go NC to stop it and try and kill our feelings. This was several years ago. I vowed I wouldn't get into anything like that again. I sounded as know it all as the rest of you. Now BAM, someone else has turned my head and got me going worse than the last one! The feelings; my God, its what drugs are made of. They make you go barking! I'm currently avoiding situations where I may bump into himas I feel the friendship is suddenly evolving quickly....there are 'innocent' touches, intense eye contact, sexual innuendos.....mmmm....that's how it all starts isn't it? I need to keep a clear head, a sensible head and I can only do that if I'm apart from him.

 

Seems you didn't learn your lesson from last time.. And, also you haven't "affair proofed" yourself, nor your marriage. Instead of thinking about yourself, think about EVERYTHING on the line that you could lose. Your husband. Your life as you know it. Your inlaws, the loss of love, faith and trust. Respect. Honouring your vows. Living up to them. Having to look those whom you love in the eyes, knowing that you were that selfish to risk it all..For what? A guy who turns you on and makes you feel good.

 

If you go down that road (again), then own it and suffer the consquences..Take it all. Don't put ALL the blame on the MM, or your spouse.

 

Something is very wrong inside of you, or you're not connecting with your husband the way a wife should.. Doing this once is one thing..To do it again and allow yourself to think/fantasize/want and even pursue another man (again) is just asking for trouble and is not a good situation to put yourself in.

 

You can stop this if you truly want to.

[Bellechica]

I was in a similar situation (EA) before and we had to go NC to stop it and try and kill our feelings. This was several years ago. I vowed I wouldn't get into anything like that again. I sounded as know it all as the rest of you. Now BAM, someone else has turned my head and got me going worse than the last one! The feelings; my God, its what drugs are made of. They make you go barking! I'm currently avoiding situations where I may bump into himas I feel the friendship is suddenly evolving quickly....there are 'innocent' touches, intense eye contact, sexual innuendos.....mmmm....that's how it all starts isn't it? I need to keep a clear head, a sensible head and I can only do that if I'm apart from him.

 

Yes hun, that's how it starts. Please don't go there. You could lose everything for what? An emotional and physical connection with another man. It might make you feel good momentarily, but it is just a bandaid and will end up causing pain to everyone.

Please do some soul searching within yourself to see what need these thoughts are fulfilling. Do you need to feel desirable? Do you need to be touched?

Turn to your H and work on strengthening that bond with him. At present, please be careful around this man you're attracted to. Stand by your H if you really love him.

[xxoo]

I need some advice before I get myself into a car crash situation. Presumably it would be a bad idea to get involved with a MM who is known well by me and my H.....it can only end in tears right? Knock some sense into me guys....!!!!

 

Imagine the affair coming out, having to explain to your H and see his pain, and losing this friend from your life forever.

[Stoneman70]

Don't do it. My affair is over now with my love S...what we had was amazing, but it was so HARD that I felt forced to move overseas back to my home in Europe because we couldn't be together. Our bond was magical and like nothing I experienced BUT it was painful every day (7 months) it happened. When you can't fully be with someone it's just torture. It's too hard. What could we do? Nothing. She was married and so was I---I am glad it happened only because it showed me a different side of love, but if you aren't in love and just thinking about it, walk away. It's painful when you fall in love. Sex is one thing, but falling hard and imaging them with another when you just want them with you is too hard.

 

Good luck

[mercy]

It really saddens me to see a person struggling with this, it says something about you that you are questioning it. I'm impressed.

 

Continue questioning yourself, continue playing it out in your head. See, feel, the tears and heartaches of others - even you may soon be feeling those feelings.. This is a life style choice that is guaranteed to change a family forever. Think long and hard. We all have to live with our choices (damnit) and there is no way to erase the consequences away.

 

Praying you choose what's not only right for you but right for others.

[mercy]

I am involved with a married man. We are very happy together, and I am content with my situation... but I would never recommend to anyone that they actively seek it out. It's incredibly hard at times and you will find yourself torn to shreds on more than one occasion.

If you haven't crossed a line, if you haven't already done it, then you have the space to still walk away.

I didn't realize how far gone I was until I was madly in love with him. Someone always gets hurt, sometimes everyone. Unless you are willing to pay that price, unless you think that it is worth the cost why do it? You sound awfuly blase about the concept. I'd rethink it. Good luck!

 

dday brings to light the full magnitude of what has been done and the damage may just take years to repair - if at all. Think OP, think of all the what ifs. I personally can't think of anyone being worth that. Nor could I hurt another in that way. I'd never be able to forgive myself.

[SaxMan54]

Its dangerous and you've got to keep everything on the "down low".

 

I have feelings for woman who's my friend's sister in law. Before her husband got sick, she invited my wife and I over for dinner. My wife decided not to come. We has dinner and champagne. As I was leaving, while her hubby was moving his car, we kissed again and again (we were "high" from the bubbly). Since that time, when we see each other we always kiss on the lips. I would not mind having an affair with her, but I know it would drive me crazy (e.g. thinking about her all the time, etc...)

 

My advice is don't do it, but I understand if you must.