quankanne Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 it's been six months since my mom passed away, and from time to time, my father has announced his plans to remarry. that's not such a bad thing in itself, because I kind of like the idea that he has someone to spend the last few years of their life with. however, it troubles me that he seems to be wanting this in a desperate sort of way, almost as if there must be another wife to fill in/take over where Mama left off ... we were scandalized when, two weeks after we buried my mom, Dad was blatantly "wooing" the young woman he'd hired to clean house for him just months before -- he loaded her down with gifts of perfume, jewelry and even a fur-lined jacket for Christmas. It was awful: we didn't know whether to laugh or cry, it was so unexpected. Fortunately, a family friend stepped in and had a word with him about how his actions were hurting his children, and Dad settled down somewhat. when I went to visit him in March, he'd set his sights on a recently divorced classmate of mine, telling her that she was going to be his children's step-mother. I don't think she was too comfortable with the idea, because we ran into her at the local WalMart and she was trying her best to politely ignore him. He mentioned several times to me the "step-mother" comment he made to my former classmate, and I finally had to tell him that when a woman loses her husband, for whatever reason, the last thing on her mind is finding a replacement. Again, he calmed down for awhile. lately, our phone conversations seem to be mostly about why I don't want him to remarry. I've tried to put it nicely to him that it's not the idea of him remarrying or that I think he's trying to replace Mama (she's my mother no matter what events ensue), but that I worry that he's looking for a wife for the wrong reasons (he's jokingly mentioned mail-order brides and going to Mexico for a wife). I don't think I'm getting through to him, though. I want to tell him that I understand his feelings of loneliness, but that being alone isn't a disgrace; that offering "protection" in the form of a place to live and good health insurance isn't what any sane woman wants from a relationship, but knowing that she has his love and respect. And I want him to understand that rushing into a marriage doesn't mean his problems will be solved ... I figure a letter is the best way to communicate, but I'm not quite sure how to approach all these things. any advice is appreciated! quank Link to post Share on other sites
msrealdoll Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 I feel you, quank. My mother died suddenly 20 years ago. My father remarried 6 months later. My sister, brother and I were convinced it was a bad idea. We didn't like her. He has remained married to her. Our family has kind of fallen apart. But my father has done very well-he seems very happy. I think it's very hard for someone that's been married that long to accept being alone. Not only do they miss the person that died-they miss the idea of having a wife. Hopefully, he can wait long enough to find a good match for him and his family. I think it would have been much easier for us to accept my father being remarried had it been to someone that accepted us. It wasn't the suddenness that bothered us so much-it was the person he chose. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 I was searching the net for some info for a report and I found this interesting thing: although men tend to start living in a relationship much later in comparison to women, after the realtionship is over, they get over it much quicklier and go on with thier life (compared to women). Anyway, that's what my mom always told me: it is always easier for a man after a divorce to remarry - he can choose from the very young to his age or older. So they have the possibility. It is obviously hard for someone who lived in a couple for half of their life, to miss companionship. I think to men it's a bit more difficult than for women. I think women are a bit more independent, don't search on purpose someone only not to be alone. Plus it's the age thing: he's been out of the dating scene forever. This may be scary to him. That's why "a wife" will do the trick, in his oppinion. This is why our dad is asking you to remarry. He feels differently. His needs, as a man, are different from yours. Plus loneliness can make you do the craziest things. When I left my country and came to Paris, I was in a relationship of 4 years, living together for the last 2. The first few months were horrible, strange... We would do everything together. And yet, we were together for only 4 years. You don't want to know how I was feeling after the next 2... I am sure he knows that acts this way out of loneliness, but it is simply different. Just as he must understand that he risks hurting you by jumping into a new relationship, you should be a bit more empathic to his state of mind. You can write him a letter, but I'm sure that dropping by for a cup of tea more often and being there for him may make him open up and talk to you. I think what you really need is a heart to heart talk with your dad. It's not as hard as it seems. Reach out to him gently, I'm sure he'll appreciate it and respond. Good luck, Curly Link to post Share on other sites
Author quankanne Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 on the one hand, I feel that him looking for Mrs. Second Wife so soon after my mother died is tacky, tacky, tacky, but I also realize that his personality is such that he pretty much needs a wife to validate his existence. I don't think I'd typify my parents' marriage as a "good" one, but one in which they stayed together because that's all they knew. I had hoped that a subsequent marriage for either of them meant waiting until they found someone they could honestly be happy with, not someone they desperately plucked from the crowd! what's even sadder is that he's really not even putting himself out there – the idea of maybe taking a class and meeting up with new people, or joining a senior center or even a club hasn't even occured to him! it's almost like, "WalMart has everything; they'll have a wife for me, too!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author quankanne Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 Thanks, Curly ... I guess I am pretty much thinking of this from the viewpoint of being the person looking in, so even though I do feel for him, it's not the same as being in his shoes! as stubborn as my dad is, talking things over needs to be cemented with something concrete (like the proposed letter) so that he doesn't misconstrue the point I am trying to get across. That I don't necessarily mind the idea of remarriage, but the reasons for it. He deserves better than a desperate act, as does the woman in question. my dad lives across the state from me, so I don't get to see him as often as either of us would like, so I've gotten into the habit of calling once or twice a day, just to check on him. I'd gander to say that I'm probably the only one he's really opened up to the way he has, because my sisters would on the warpath if they had an inkling of what's going on in his head ... Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Quank... don't write it. Think about it: he's alone, his kids are away, I'm sure he does not want you to worry for him. Now imagine him getting the letter... Why don't you take the kids to visit grandpa for a week end? You can talk then some more... It is so easy to offend someone without even knowing... As long as you remember that: A. he has not been dating in "a while" B.he does not know how to behave in order to get a date C. he doesn't really want a date, but a wife you'll be alright... Are you and your sisters living close? If you do, you could take turns and check up on him... IT will make him feel less alone and I'm sure he'll like the attention. Link to post Share on other sites
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