How to be ok with murderer contacting me? And other horrible people?

[LuckyLady13]

I'm angry. VERY ANGRY. The problem is, I want to be happy and can't be happy and angry at the same time.

 

A guy I knew years back killed one of my friends and threatened me and another one of my friends. The cops picked him up within the hour of threatening me and he's doing 26 years.

 

I told him when he wrote me a letter to never contact me again because I'm done with him and was years ago. I got a 4 page letter from him yesterday.

 

I got in touch with a C.O. in the section of the prison he's in. This C.O. had me send him a copy of the letter and said he's going to grab this guy and tell him if he contacts me again there will be harassment charges filed against him.

 

That's all fine and well and everything but I realized after getting this letter that I have an unbelievable amount of anger built up in my system when I'm contacted by people I can't stand who I've told to stay away from me.

 

This guy isn't the only person I feel this way about. If I hear from my abusive mother this week, I'll have to sign myself into the nut house before I hurt someone. I've told her not to contact me again and do not want to hear from her. But people have a habit of not understanding this concept at all. I have been contacted by and harassed by people I told to stay out of my life so many times now that I'm full of hate and anger for these people so much that I can barely contain it anymore.

 

But what I want more than anything in this world is to be happy!

 

My anger after getting this letter from this guy yesterday is overriding every other emotion I could have. I don't know how to be angry and then just put it aside.

 

The anger I have was built up over years by having this problem so many times. I'm fed up and frustrated that this situation happens so often. There are too many people for me to list that I thought I was rid of only for them to keep popping back up again. I feel like they're standing in the way of me moving forward with my life like I'm tripping over loads of obstacles.

 

This situation has reached a point with me now that I just plain expect people like this to keep attempting to bother me. There probably is no real escape from this (although I wish that weren't the case) and if I wasn't so angry I'd be thinking right now about how I must be a likeable person with a magnetic personality if people don't want to let me go and keep coming back.

 

I rarely come to LS with a problem and it makes me happy to help other people so I try to post when I can. But the state of mind I'm in right now? I'm no help to anyone, including myself.

 

Does ANYBODY have ANY IDEA as to how I can get over this? And be happy, drop the anger and not get so frustrated and angry when it happens again and again in the future? How do I really deal with this situation?

 

I'd love to hear any thoughts anyone has. Anything!

[Radu]

Well, writing this down is a first step ... helps you vent.

 

I am kinda curious what your mom did to you to want something like this though.

 

As for why they contact you.

I believe that they don't see themselves as guilty party.

In a way they are trying to convince you that what they did was because they had no other choice or they were backed into a corner.

They want you to sympathise with them, as that will remove guilt from them.

It shows they are not remorsefull for what they did, it's overall a game to shift blame and a very selfish thing to do.

[Ramon83]

First of all, you are on the right track. You acknowledge that you want to be happy. Many people get stuck in the fase that they seek acknowledgement for their role as a victim and keep on emphasing on this, until it becomes their soul identity. That's not healthy and it keeps you trapped inside the negativity. Acknowledging that you can overcome it feels for people who identify with their role as a victim, that they say to the world 'it's not so bad'

You overcame that way of thinking and therefor took the most important step.

 

But for now you're in a dilemma. On one hand you want to get ritt of the anger. The only way to do that is to learn to understand the other and his/her motivation. But the same anger shows that you are not yet ready for that.

 

It would be best to first get a healthy relation towards the pain they caused you. To learn how to deal with that and start building towards regaining strength and a powerfull personality again. That takes a lot of effort and may even require therapy. But it will lead to the moment that you can say: 'The pain is there but it will not run my life anymore. I will accept it of my life as it is for everybody's life.'

 

When you are at that stage, you will not see the people who done it to you as the ones who ruined your life. Than you can take the steps towards forgiveness.

 

I wish you the best of luck! The story you are telling is intens. But you also show a lot of strength for wanting to deal with it. That is something to respect about yourself!

[LuckyLady13]

Well, writing this down is a first step ... helps you vent.

 

I am kinda curious what your mom did to you to want something like this though.

 

As for why they contact you.

I believe that they don't see themselves as guilty party.

In a way they are trying to convince you that what they did was because they had no other choice or they were backed into a corner.

They want you to sympathise with them, as that will remove guilt from them.

It shows they are not remorsefull for what they did, it's overall a game to shift blame and a very selfish thing to do.

 

 

My mother? I was taken from my parents by the cops and courts because my parents were abusive drug addicts and alcoholics when I was a kid. My mother changed over the years - she got worse. She thinks it's perfectly okay and normal to do the things she does. As an example, my father had music too loud one day and it annoyed her. She kicked her foot right through one of his speakers, knocked him out of a chair and choked him on the floor.

 

I want her to stay out of my life. The last time I heard from her she was threatening me because she wanted to date my boyfriend (and every guy I ever dated) and I said he wasn't going to be around her because she causes too much of a problem. She threatened to do things to me in front of my relatives at a family gathering.

 

In order to not be abused by her, I haven't seen any of my relatives in 3 years. It's one of the only ways I can make sure she isn't around me. She was calling my phone 20 times a day, screaming at me because she wasn't getting her way. I changed my phone number and called the police and they had me write her a certified letter stating if she contacted me again I'd press harassment charges and they told me which court to go to for a permanent Order of Protection.

 

My mother is a violent, obsessive person. At the time that I had to call the police, she was already in the process of going to court for harassment charges from her neighbor. She backed off.

 

You hit the nail on the head so perfectly though, talking about blame shifting, sympathy and guilt. It's like you read all four pages of the letter I just got from this guy! He said he's taking responsibility for what he did but in almost the same sentence said that it's my fault it happened because he was having a nervous breakdown when he killed her and I wasn't there and turned my back on him. He tried to say we were best friends (so far from the truth - I could never stand this guy) and then as far as sympathy, he was telling me how hard his life is and how he's shocked I haven't been writing him letters in prison.

 

He's shocked I'm not sympathizing and writing him letters?!? This guy was getting in his car to come down to my house to kill me right after killing one of my friends! What neither of us knew is the cops were tapping his phone and watching every word he said to anyone over the internet in instant messaging. The cops saw him threatening me and saying he was coming to my house. The got him in his car. He wanted me to cover for him and help him have an alibi and when I wouldn't, he decided I needed to be dead too. His last words to me were "if you're not with me, you're against me".

 

I would think just about anybody would be frustrated and angry in my situation. I had to open the letter from this guy because of the remote but real possibility he could appeal, get out early and come looking for me. I needed to make sure there wasn't a threat to my safety.

 

Thankfully there was no threat and I don't have to deal with him in person right now. I honestly just don't want to deal with him. And this is where my anger really comes from.

[LuckyLady13]

First of all, you are on the right track. You acknowledge that you want to be happy. Many people get stuck in the fase that they seek acknowledgement for their role as a victim and keep on emphasing on this, until it becomes their soul identity. That's not healthy and it keeps you trapped inside the negativity. Acknowledging that you can overcome it feels for people who identify with their role as a victim, that they say to the world 'it's not so bad'

You overcame that way of thinking and therefor took the most important step.

 

But for now you're in a dilemma. On one hand you want to get ritt of the anger. The only way to do that is to learn to understand the other and his/her motivation. But the same anger shows that you are not yet ready for that.

 

It would be best to first get a healthy relation towards the pain they caused you. To learn how to deal with that and start building towards regaining strength and a powerfull personality again. That takes a lot of effort and may even require therapy. But it will lead to the moment that you can say: 'The pain is there but it will not run my life anymore. I will accept it of my life as it is for everybody's life.'

 

When you are at that stage, you will not see the people who done it to you as the ones who ruined your life. Than you can take the steps towards forgiveness.

 

I wish you the best of luck! The story you are telling is intens. But you also show a lot of strength for wanting to deal with it. That is something to respect about yourself!

 

You know...I didn't realize when I said what I said that I wasn't seeing myself from a position of strength because I own my own business (that is thriving and growing despite a bad economy) and in almost every aspect of my life I'm a strong person. I didn't even see until you pointed it out how I'm seeing myself in this particular situation and you're absolutely right! It was also hard for me to notice because I'm very protective over people I care about and people trust me to stand right up when they need a strong person.

 

With my mother and this murderer, I was seeing myself way too much as a victim here.

 

I have a lot to think about here...

[Almond_Joy]

It seems to me that there will always be people who disrespect your wishes, do not respond to civil requests, and are always on the lookout for someone they can project their unhappiness onto.

 

It sounds like your life has been disproportionately littered with people like this. I can understand why you're angry, and also think it's great that you are aware that the anger is toxic, and preventing you from living in the state you want to live.

 

I think the best you can do is to ignore them. I think that every time you respond, even if it's to tell them to stop contacting you, they take it as a sign that you acknowledge them and that their perspective is being heard by you. Don't give them that satisfaction. You are not obligated to show the basic decency of a response if your boundaries are not being respected.

 

You've made an effort to respectfully stop communication and proactively avoid receiving it at all to the best of your ability. The next time you get a letter or an email, I'd suggest not even reading them. Trash them upon receipt without even opening them. Don't give their pleas for attention your time and energy. I imagine that reading what they have to say only fuels your anger. Not reading their communications may circumvent your anger from escalating to the point of being all-consuming.

 

After trashing the communication, get engaged in something you enjoy to work out any anger that handling that communication may have incurred. Watch a good movie, go have lunch with friends, exercise, pamper yourself.....anything to help you get back to enjoying your life in the present.

 

Ramon was so right in pointing out how strong you are. You've achieved so much, and will continue to achieve because you have the drive to better yourself. When the motivation's there, the goal can be accomplished. You definitely have the power in this situation. You have the power to choose not to contribute to their perpetration of negativity and blameshifting. You choose what gets your time, your emotional energy, your consideration.

 

Good luck on your journey to happines .

[FitChick]

Move and don't leave a forwarding address.

[LuckyLady13]

It seems to me that there will always be people who disrespect your wishes, do not respond to civil requests, and are always on the lookout for someone they can project their unhappiness onto.

It sounds like your life has been disproportionately littered with people like this. I can understand why you're angry, and also think it's great that you are aware that the anger is toxic, and preventing you from living in the state you want to live.

 

I think the best you can do is to ignore them. I think that every time you respond, even if it's to tell them to stop contacting you, they take it as a sign that you acknowledge them and that their perspective is being heard by you. Don't give them that satisfaction. You are not obligated to show the basic decency of a response if your boundaries are not being respected.

 

You've made an effort to respectfully stop communication and proactively avoid receiving it at all to the best of your ability. The next time you get a letter or an email, I'd suggest not even reading them. Trash them upon receipt without even opening them. Don't give their pleas for attention your time and energy. I imagine that reading what they have to say only fuels your anger. Not reading their communications may circumvent your anger from escalating to the point of being all-consuming.

After trashing the communication, get engaged in something you enjoy to work out any anger that handling that communication may have incurred. Watch a good movie, go have lunch with friends, exercise, pamper yourself.....anything to help you get back to enjoying your life in the present.

 

Ramon was so right in pointing out how strong you are. You've achieved so much, and will continue to achieve because you have the drive to better yourself. When the motivation's there, the goal can be accomplished. You definitely have the power in this situation. You have the power to choose not to contribute to their perpetration of negativity and blameshifting. You choose what gets your time, your emotional energy, your consideration.

 

Good luck on your journey to happines .

 

 

You know, to me it's almost just normal to run into people like this because if you're exposed to something enough, you get used to it. But judging by peoples response to what I've said, I see more clearly this isn't everyday stuff for everybody and it's not so 'normal'.

 

I wanted to throw away that letter so bad as soon as I saw it and contemplated it a few times. But I had to make sure I wasn't in any real danger. The downside to that is exactly what you said! The stupid guilt-trip and sympathy stuff all through the letter got me so angry and I thought to myself "I wish I didn't have to know any of this!". I think from the sound of things, an appeal isn't on the table for him so next time I'm not opening it because it will most likely just be more of the same.

 

And I think your advice following throwing out the letter is good to ground myself more in the present instead of dwelling on it.

[LuckyLady13]

Move and don't leave a forwarding address.

 

 

Fitchick, years ago I did something like this because I was being stalked by an obsessive, violent nut and now, in this present time in my life, to me this isn't an option. I RAN last time to 'hide' and it may have worked for me back then but I put so much into this house...so much work and it's a nice place now so I can't just up and leave because of some nutjob. I can't leave behind everything I worked for because of some guy or my mother.

 

When I do move, this time it will be for the right reasons like being ready to tackle another project (work on another house) or I've found a real cool place to live where I'll be happy or something positive.

 

Also, years back it could actually work to not leave a forwarding address but these days with public information, I can go anywhere in this country and be tracked down as long as I have bills in my name. People are so easy to find these days. I wish it still was the same as years ago when you actually could hide or disappear!

 

Things have really changed.