Friends?

[Melanie]

It's recently started to bug me. i have about 12 people i know, and see quite often like once every two months. I email them a fair bit, and them me when we don't see each other. they seem pleased to hear from me, want to know how i'm doing, and me them, and often want to meet for a drink/go out somewhere.

 

but if i didn't make the contact then i'm pretty sure many wouldn't contact me. some are married/have kids, so i know things change then.

 

should i bother? we get on fine when together. is it just i am active, and they wait for things to happen, or they just aren't so interested?

 

i do have one other real close friend, but just would like a few more.

[Tony T]

Interesting question. The same thing happened to me, still does.

 

There was a time when it really bothered me. I did basically all the contacting. I kept things together. It seemed if I didn't make the first move the friendships would disappear.

 

It's not a good feeling. But people, for the most part, are into whatever is happening in their lives at the moment. As life flows forwards, people make new friends, get involved in new circles, new situations, live in new neighborhoods, work with different people, get interested in other things, etc. And, as you mentioned, they have children which can consume an immense amount of time themselves and cause almost all outside contact to cease for a period of time.

 

While it is not fun to be the active agent in keeping these friendships alive, these people nevertheless are happy to hear from you. They may again be your best and closest friends at some point of their lives in the future. They may still be that now, but just taking leave from it because of interference. Like anything else, friendships can go dormant for a period of time.

 

Call once in a while, maybe once a year, to see how they are doing. Don't talk about getting together. Don't even pay lip service to that. Do this only if you have a genuine affection for the people and value the connection, if only minimal and distant. Call them as a tribute to the good, close friends they once were and the tie they have to your heart now.

 

Friendships can't really be measured in numbers of calls or contacts. When all is said and done, no matter how many children or how busy, only you know if these folks would drop everything if you were in need. Most probably they would.

 

Life sucks sometimes but, no matter what, it keeps going forward and we have to stay even with it on the treadmill. If you decide these people aren't worth keeping up with, don't. But I think it is wrong and irrational to expect other people to contact us because we can't judge their circumstances or their ability to do so. For my money, if they have just thought about me a few times now and then, that was worth a call.

 

Again, it sucks, it's tought, but bonds of friendship cannot be broken by time or separation. And scorecards cannot be kept on who contacts who. An old friendship is often a treasure buried somewhere waiting to be rediscovered.

 

Even if you decide to hell with them, and you leave them alone, that will in no way diminish the fact that they are your friends. Despite the neglect, they will be there for you and they still love you.

[Heather]

Hi I just wanted to share my opinion. I am on the other side of this situation: I am the with the family life, 2-year old daughter, igaged, and expecting another child. The friends that I have are school friends because I am still very young (18). I have just graduated from high school and that was the main contact I had with my friends. Now when one of them does make a point to contact me it makes me feel great and I do still love them with all my heart and I know that they love me and that will never change. I always think about making contact with them but am usually too busy/tired. I work full time and have a family to take care of. My suggestion is don't stop making contact with them. It probably makes them feel great to know that you still care and think about them.

 

For a while I though that they didn't care but I know they do. They are just still young and outgoing and don't have anything tying them down. I grew up with these people and just because now we lead totally different lives does not mean we are not still friends. Don't cease contact with them. They are still your friends.

 

Good luck in life.

 

Heather

Interesting question. The same thing happened to me, still does. There was a time when it really bothered me. I did basically all the contacting. I kept things together. It seemed if I didn't make the first move the friendships would disappear. It's not a good feeling. But people, for the most part, are into whatever is happening in their lives at the moment. As life flows forwards, people make new friends, get involved in new circles, new situations, live in new neighborhoods, work with different people, get interested in other things, etc. And, as you mentioned, they have children which can consume an immense amount of time themselves and cause almost all outside contact to cease for a period of time. While it is not fun to be the active agent in keeping these friendships alive, these people nevertheless are happy to hear from you. They may again be your best and closest friends at some point of their lives in the future. They may still be that now, but just taking leave from it because of interference. Like anything else, friendships can go dormant for a period of time.

 

Call once in a while, maybe once a year, to see how they are doing. Don't talk about getting together. Don't even pay lip service to that. Do this only if you have a genuine affection for the people and value the connection, if only minimal and distant. Call them as a tribute to the good, close friends they once were and the tie they have to your heart now. Friendships can't really be measured in numbers of calls or contacts. When all is said and done, no matter how many children or how busy, only you know if these folks would drop everything if you were in need. Most probably they would.

 

Life sucks sometimes but, no matter what, it keeps going forward and we have to stay even with it on the treadmill. If you decide these people aren't worth keeping up with, don't. But I think it is wrong and irrational to expect other people to contact us because we can't judge their circumstances or their ability to do so. For my money, if they have just thought about me a few times now and then, that was worth a call. Again, it sucks, it's tought, but bonds of friendship cannot be broken by time or separation. And scorecards cannot be kept on who contacts who. An old friendship is often a treasure buried somewhere waiting to be rediscovered. Even if you decide to hell with them, and you leave them alone, that will in no way diminish the fact that they are your friends. Despite the neglect, they will be there for you and they still love you.