If your partner cheated, would you leave them right away?

[lostinlove0479]

It's so easy to say, "No. Hell no. I will not take him/her back." I am not a fan of infedilty, whether it's in a marriage or a g/f-b/f relationship. I am faced with this same issue as well. My ex cheated with his ex/his first. In our situation, I beleive he was comfortable with her (they've been off and on for many years) and wanted to let the situation go but just couldn't. We'd only been together for two monts officially, dated for 6 months. I decided after many days and nights of ponderance (i like to make up words) to forgive him. Even though he couldn't let go, I believe that he does love me and want to be with me. He just didn't know how to let their situation end. I know, his ex told me, that he has not contacted her since I found out and is trying his hardest to sever all ties with her. Our relationship was moving extremely fast and I can't just throw away the good times and how good he was to me . I know many people may read this and say "She is a fool." But, I am risking this to be true for the way I truly feel. I don't think that he is a bad guy in the least. Weak? Yes. Has the ability to be selfish? Definitely. But, I hope that this situation shows him how much I love him and now it's his turn to show me that without a doubt he loves me. It will take time, but I am willing to risk it. He doesn't know that I'm giving him a chance, I'm not really speaking to him. But, he emails me and leaves me voicemails every day, every other day. Go with your gut. It is possible to make a relationship work after cheating. But, only you can decide if the person is worth another shot at your heart. Good luck.

[julsfla]

I can positively relate to DazednConfused!!!

 

I found out about a month ago as well. I agree, I agree! You are right on! The only difference is my husbands affair was pretty much just sex, I read the very graphic e-mails, and I believe that is what it was. I did make a difference to me that there was not some woman out there.

 

I am dealing with it all right now. My husband of 9years cheated. It was over seven months ago and I happened across some very graphic e-mails that obviously were not meant for me to see.

 

I have always said if he cheats he is gone. No excuses. I looked at this way HE IS MINE and if he touched or was touched by another woman, he was spoiled. I have never been with another man since the day I met him over 12 years ago. I AM HIS.

 

Well guess what? I could not handle the thought of him leaving. I have never cried like I did those first two days, I have lost people so close to me, I thought that was the worst pain I would ever feel. I was wrong. I could not even stand up my heart hurt so bad. But not all of it was b/c he cheated. It was because I HAD to tell him he needed to go. I had to tell him this b/c I had "always said I would not tolerate it" and my family would think I was nuts to let him stay!

 

He has always been the person I turned to to help me through the tough times. Well what was I to do now? I did tell him to leave, and he had the same reaction, he fell apart. I was who he turned to to get through the tough times. I could not do it, my love for him is stronger than my disgust of what he did. I am forgiving him, I am no where near forgetting, we have talked more than we had in years and we are seeing a therapist, I dont think he will cheat again. I will be watchful for a while, but we still have lives to live and for the first time in a while we are living the same one.

 

It all came down to the exact same things for us...

~many more good years than bad

~he takes all responsibility and knows he must fix this~

~ I love him so very much and he does love me as well~

~We have two children who we both adore~

~ did not want to walk away from our life and all we had built together~

~ he also had not seen this OW for seven months~

 

It is a pain I do not wish on anyone ever! Being the OW/OM is not even something I can comprehend.

 

Although I do believe what comes around goes around. These people who touched what was ours, one day will love someone as we love our spouses, and one day, no matter how much they suspect, they will be surprised. With the same reality we have to deal with.

 

I take that back, maybe I could wish for it this once....

 

DazednConfused, I wish you the best of luck, I am right there with you and that what does not kill us will certainly make us stronger!

[PUHLEEEEZE...]

I have been cheated on, and I did leave right away. It is a deal-breaker for me. Doesn't matter why, when, how... I guess it's because I know in my heart that the only way I would cheat on someone is because I didn't truly love them.

[sami]

You may be right. However, you need to give yourself sometime to be clear and clean about your decision to leave. When you are sure of your own internal system, then you have every right to leave both the cheater and the past memories positive or negative.

[wanker86]

i would leave her right away, without question, and would probobly be so angry at her that i wouldnt want to speak to her again. i dunno, something about cheating makes me sick. but thats just me.

[sami]

Cheating has nothing to do with love or hate.

[julsfla]

How do you figure that?

 

It can have everything to do with Love. You should be faithful to someone you love. You may not Love the OW or OM, but if you are in a marriage, and you cheat on someone you love, and loves you, it has everything to do with Love.

 

It can have everything to do with Hate if the cheating is done strictly out of spite or for revenge.

[Smoov]

A relationship is based on two main ingredients: LOVE & TRUST

 

If your partner cheats on you, it is obvious there is no LOVE on their behalf. Should you find out that your partner has cheated, how would you be able to bring yourself to TRUST that person again ?

 

Without LOVE & TRUST there is no basis for a long term relationship.

 

 

I'd just like to share some pointers

 

It amuses me how some members feel that it would depend on how much the person who cheated on you loved you before they could reach their decision about where or not they should leave. Doesn't this seem a little contradictory ?

 

IF A PERSON TRULY LOVES YOU, THEY WILL NOT CHEAT ON YOU. It is as simple as that boys and girls..........there are no excuses.

 

Forgiving a cheater merely condones their actions............in other words you are saying:

 

"its ok honey that you cheated on me honey i'm too blinded by "love" to see that what you've done is unforgiveable"

[DazednConfused]

Gee Smoov,

 

I wish we all lived in such a black and white world. The fact is, we do not. (at least not most of us)

 

I understand and accept your opinion, but firmly disagree with it. Read up from some of the experts, and you will see that NOONE is immune to infidelity, especially if conditions are right. The fact is that the unfaithful partner doesn't just turn off what they feel for their spouse to run around w/ the OM/OW; they compartmentalize and live two completely separate lives. Not an excuse for infidelity, but an explanation for why it seems so heartless and cold to the faithful party. The TRUST has been shattered, but the love remains. I have yet to find out if trust can be rebuilt, but I will find out.

 

Again it is easy to say "I would be done with Him/Her"; but when you invest seventeen years of your life, ahve children and committments, things are not so easy and clear. Nearly everything anyone does affects someone else in one form or another; I could punish my wife by divorcing her and leaving her nearly destitute, but my daughter would pay as well, and I cannot allow that.

 

Your high horse is amusing, but wait until you are in more complicated shoes to chisel things in stone.

[HoldOn]

I must have been innoculated at a young age, because I AM immune to infidelity.

 

However, if I had kids I would really try to work through a partner's infidelity. Without kids in the picture, I would be 95% sure that the relationship is over.

 

I just love how cheaters say "I didn't plan for it, it just happened." I have been single for years at a time, and none of my relationships "just happened." You DECIDE to flirt with someone, you DECIDE to be alone with them, you DECIDE to kiss them. People should own their own decisions and accept full responsibility.

[Leikela]

IF A PERSON TRULY LOVES YOU, THEY WILL NOT CHEAT ON YOU.

 

How do you back this statement up?

 

Cheating occurs because there is something in the relationship that is MISSING and the other person seeks to fulfill that need in someone else whether they love their SO or not.

 

That's my simple explanation of it, but it does go a lot deeper. It is a lot more complicated then you proclaim it to be.

[WittyName]

I actually have a thread on this very subject that I just posted (first post here). I too was ALWAYS one of those people that thought, without a doubt, if I was cheated on, I'd walk. However, what you learn after investing 5-10 years in something is that talk is cheap. Just like everyone else has pointed out, when there is an investment and other things to consider, things get much more difficult. In many cases, there are HUGE financial implications that go along with the demise of any relationship - making leaving that much harder. In my case, plans were made for several years with respect to living arrangements, a new home purchase, even pets. Flushing that all down the toilet is hard to swallow - especially when there a small "chance" that things can change.

 

In other words, until you've been through it, and until it's happened in a relationship in which you have more than a few months, even a couple years, invested, I think it's inappropriate to make such broad, general statements.

[Smoov]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

Gee Smoov,

 

I wish we all lived in such a black and white world. The fact is, we do not. (at least not most of us)

 

I understand and accept your opinion, but firmly disagree with it. Read up from some of the experts, and you will see that NOONE is immune to infidelity, especially if conditions are right. The fact is that the unfaithful partner doesn't just turn off what they feel for their spouse to run around w/ the OM/OW; they compartmentalize and live two completely separate lives. Not an excuse for infidelity, but an explanation for why it seems so heartless and cold to the faithful party. The TRUST has been shattered, but the love remains. I have yet to find out if trust can be rebuilt, but I will find out.

 

Again it is easy to say "I would be done with Him/Her"; but when you invest seventeen years of your life, ahve children and committments, things are not so easy and clear. Nearly everything anyone does affects someone else in one form or another; I could punish my wife by divorcing her and leaving her nearly destitute, but my daughter would pay as well, and I cannot allow that.

 

Your high horse is amusing, but wait until you are in more complicated shoes to chisel things in stone.

 

 

Your nickname says alot......

 

Relationships are black and white, there is no grey middle section

 

Read up from some of the experts, and you will see that NOONE is immune to infidelity, especially if conditions are right.

 

Your basing your opinion from a so called "expert" ? HAHAHAHA What you've said in this statement is merely an excuse for partners to cheat. Its called self control....ever heard of it ?

 

The TRUST has been shattered, but the love remains. I have yet to find out if trust can be rebuilt, but I will find out.

 

Oh get a tissue. How can love exist without trust ? Trust is something that must be earned it is not a right.

 

I could punish my wife by divorcing her and leaving her nearly destitute, but my daughter would pay as well, and I cannot allow that.

 

So basically you're staying with your wife because of your children ?........sounds like there is alot of love there

 

Your high horse is amusing, but wait until you are in more complicated shoes to chisel things in stone

 

Its not about being on a high horse but having something called self respect. Why should i waste a second of my time with a cheater ? They're simply not worth it.

 

I think you need to stop going to so called love "experts" and start basing your opinions from real life experiences.

[Smoov]

Originally posted by Leikela

 

 

How do you back this statement up?

 

Cheating occurs because there is something in the relationship that is MISSING and the other person seeks to fulfill that need in someone else whether they love their SO or not.

 

That's my simple explanation of it, but it does go a lot deeper. It is a lot more complicated then you proclaim it to be.

 

 

LOL do i need back this up ? Its quite clear cut really.........if someone loves you why would they cheat on you ? can you exaplain that to me ? Your reasoning is merely an excuse.

 

Cheating does not occur because of something that is missing......it occurs because a partner has no self control.

 

Why does everyone make love out to be something more complicated than it really need be ? Doing so will only lead to heartache

[Smoov]

Originally posted by WittyName

I actually have a thread on this very subject that I just posted (first post here). I too was ALWAYS one of those people that thought, without a doubt, if I was cheated on, I'd walk. However, what you learn after investing 5-10 years in something is that talk is cheap. Just like everyone else has pointed out, when there is an investment and other things to consider, things get much more difficult. In many cases, there are HUGE financial implications that go along with the demise of any relationship - making leaving that much harder. In my case, plans were made for several years with respect to living arrangements, a new home purchase, even pets. Flushing that all down the toilet is hard to swallow - especially when there a small "chance" that things can change.

 

In other words, until you've been through it, and until it's happened in a relationship in which you have more than a few months, even a couple years, invested, I think it's inappropriate to make such broad, general statements.

 

 

Your situation was only made more complicated by your ignorance

[Smoov]

Originally posted by HoldOn

I must have been innoculated at a young age, because I AM immune to infidelity.

 

However, if I had kids I would really try to work through a partner's infidelity. Without kids in the picture, I would be 95% sure that the relationship is over.

 

I just love how cheaters say "I didn't plan for it, it just happened." I have been single for years at a time, and none of my relationships "just happened." You DECIDE to flirt with someone, you DECIDE to be alone with them, you DECIDE to kiss them. People should own their own decisions and accept full responsibility.

 

 

Thank you.....good to see that someone is thinking with their head.

[lostinlove0479]

It is sooo very easy to say, let it go. I too, was one of those individuals that said I would let it go if he cheated on me. I think it is absolutely necessary to weigh in what your relationship is worth going thru and working thru and when it is time to give it up and move on. I was only dating this guy for 6 months, he betrayed my trust, affection and honesty. But, despite his unfaithfulness, I believe that I am who he wanted, he just had a hard time closing his ex relationship. I am a very understanding person. I understand that sometimes we make mistakes. As a result, I have forgiven him after much praying and soul searching. I know that he is a good man. And I know that he loves me. I'm glad I'm not alone in realizing that we all are human. And we make bad decisions. I'm trying to give him another chance, but I am keeping my options open for the moment until I see if it is worth it to try again. You have to judge each person individually and you have to really give thought to the type ofperson they are and how your relationship was. No one can call you crazy as long as you make your decision honestly with yourself. Don't take him back for reasons like, "I'm afraid to be alone", or "I'll never find anyone else, so I'll settle", do it because you really, truly feel that despite thisperson's weak moment, they love you and will try extremely hard to fight temptation if it ever was to rise again.

 

Good luck.

[DerangedAngel]

If your partner cheated, would you leave them right away?

 

No. I have been cheated on in several relationships and have always tried to make it work. Unfortunately, I've been too forgiving. I hope that if it ever happens again I will be be able to leave right away.

 

Would it depend on the situation and how much you love the person?

 

Yes, yes. The more I loved the person the harder it would be to forgive. If that makes any sense at all. I doubt it.

 

Do you believe in once a cheater always a cheater?

 

No. But I do believe in once a "cheatee" always a paranoid, clingy, jealous, nearly psychotic bitch (bastard).

 

-Deranged

[Fetish 2]

The best principle that i believe people involved in a relationship should abide by is "to treat your partner the way you would like to be treated"

 

Before you "do the deed" consider how heartbroken you would be if you found out your partner cheated on you--I know i would be devastated.

 

Smoov commented:

Cheating does not occur because of something that is missing......it occurs because a partner has no self control.

I tend to disagree with the first statement. I strongly believe that a person cheats because there IS something missing in their current relationship. I don't believe anyone would cheat if they were absolutely satisfied and happy in their current relationship- if you are- you wouldn't go searching elsewhere for the missing element. You're heart would be content where it is.

 

I do agree however, that cheating occurs as a result of the partner lacking self-control. If i partner was able to control their thoughts, emotions and irrationality, then they would learn to say "no" to temptations. They should and would realise the consequences. Could you rebuild the trust thats needed for a strong and successful relationship?

[Leikela]

Originally posted by Smoov

LOL do i need back this up ? Its quite clear cut really.........if someone loves you why would they cheat on you ? can you exaplain that to me ? Your reasoning is merely an excuse.

 

Cheating does not occur because of something that is missing......it occurs because a partner has no self control.

 

Why does everyone make love out to be something more complicated than it really need be ? Doing so will only lead to heartache

 

No offense Smoov, but you come across as a know it all and seem to get a sick pleasure of rebutting everything anyone says in disagreement from you. You put Dazedandconfused down because he referred to "experts", but you seem to like to come across as one.

 

This issue is NOT cut and dry and you can call what I say an excuse but that is merely your own opinion. I go by life experiences and MY OWN life experiences have dictated to me why people cheat. Whatever you say will not change that.

 

Not everyone is perfect and not everyone has self control, so that would open up the door for someone in love with no self control, to cheating, according to your logic.

 

All your opinions aside, I've seen and experienced couples who have cheated, including myself, and it all breaks down to not getting what you need. (try reading some Maslow psychology) It's all a part of lifes learning experiences. If we all knew how to do it right the first time then what would be the point of living?

[HoldOn]

All your opinions aside, I've seen and experienced couples who have cheated, including myself, and it all breaks down to not getting what you need.

 

I respectfully disagree. I really don't understand this logic. I am not getting what I need in my paycheck, but I still don't steal money from my boss's office. People who have to rely on others for their happiness are really the problem. If there is something "missing" in your relationship, the first thing you should do is turn right back to your spouse and work it out, however you can. Go to therapy. Take a vacation together. Talk. Talk. Talk. Turning outside a marraige never solved anything. If my spouse turned AWAY from me rather than TOWARD me, how could I ever trust him again. I couldn't.

 

Also, I totally disagree with the blanket statement that "no one is immune to infidelity." There is no way on God's green earth that I would cheat on my bf/husband. I just couldn't do it. It's not that I haven't faced temptation either. Before I started dating my current bf, I had a major crush on a co-worker. As soon as I started dating my current bf, I cut it out. I wouldn't go out with co-worker guy alone and I cut out any flirting. Because, first, I didn't want to get myself in a sticky situation and second, I wanted to demonstrate to co-worker that I was no longer available.

 

I can accept that some people cheat, but don't make it seem like no one is capable of resisting temptation. That's just incorrect.

[Leikela]

You have every right to disagree HoldOn with my statement but you can't pose your own morals/standards on other people and expect them to act the same way you do. Not everyone knows how to talk and communicate and work things out. Not everyone had the tools growing up to know how to do this.

 

I suggest you read up on Maslow's psychology where we all have basic needs that need to be met and sex/love is one of them. There are basic needs in a relationship that sometimes aren't met, so we start to seek it somewhere else. You can't compare that to a paycheck, that's just silly and not the same thing. Sure, the "right" thing to do, according to you, would be to work it out or take a hike. Not everyone thinks that way, so my reasoning is that people cheat because their needs aren't being met because they obviously choose not to communicate and work it out or they don't know how.

 

Just because you wouldn't act a certain way in a relationship doesn't mean other people won't. Most people cheat because they aren't getting something they need in their current relationship, plain and simple. YOU wouldn't cheat because you would try to work it out. That's YOU and not other people.

[HoldOn]

All I'm saying is that not everyone will cheat. I am not the one who is imposing a view on everyone. I accept that some people will cheat and some people will not. Those who cheat are acting selfishly and that's the end of the story. Those who say "everyone would cheat if they had a chance" are the ones imposing THEIR view on everyone else.

 

Yes, I am familiar with Maslow, but his ideas are simply theories, like every other psychologist. Maslow says that our first need is shelter or food, right? That these needs are even higher than having a social group (love). My paycheck is used to buy food and rent. Does that mean that if I am not paid enough that I may steal from my boss?

 

However, I don't completely agree with Maslow. Sex is not a need. I have gone years without any kind of sex. And surprizingly, I am still living and breathing.

Love may be a need, but I can get love from my friends, my mother, my siblings, I wouldn't need to destroy my partner's life in order to get it.

 

You have every right to disagree HoldOn with my statement but you can't pose your own morals/standards on other people and expect them to act the same way you do. Not everyone knows how to talk and communicate and work things out. Not everyone had the tools growing up to know how to do this.

 

Yes, I guess I do have high expectations of people. Our disagreement goes deeper than just the cheating issue. We are basically arguing about whether people are responsible for their own actions or not. I think that people are responsible, wheras you think that in certain situations, people cannot help themselves. I don't think we'll be able to reconcile these beliefs.

 

I know my ideals are harsh. But I believe there is right and there is wrong. If I did steal money or cheat on my husband or beat my child, there is no one responsible except for ME! Even if I didn't get the tools growing up to learn to control myself, I still made the choice.

[Leikela]

Hey, as far as I'm concerned, we are just two people expressing our own beliefs and thoughts on a certain situation. Noone is right or wrong here.

 

As for your paycheck analogy, you are right whereas money is concerned however some people would and DO steal in those situations because food and shelter is their first need. They don't care that they are doing something wrong as long as it puts food in their mouths.

 

Yes, I believe that some people act a certain way because they don't know how else to act. They did make the choice to behave that way but not everyone is in the right stage of their lives to be able to be responsible for their actions. Some people just don't care. That's why I don't pass judgement on people because everyone's situation is different and truly some people are just a mess that they can't help themselves.

[Smoov]

Originally posted by Leikela

 

 

No offense Smoov, but you come across as a know it all and seem to get a sick pleasure of rebutting everything anyone says in disagreement from you. You put Dazedandconfused down because he referred to "experts", but you seem to like to come across as one.

 

This issue is NOT cut and dry and you can call what I say an excuse but that is merely your own opinion. I go by life experiences and MY OWN life experiences have dictated to me why people cheat. Whatever you say will not change that.

 

Not everyone is perfect and not everyone has self control, so that would open up the door for someone in love with no self control, to cheating, according to your logic.

 

All your opinions aside, I've seen and experienced couples who have cheated, including myself, and it all breaks down to not getting what you need. (try reading some Maslow psychology) It's all a part of lifes learning experiences. If we all knew how to do it right the first time then what would be the point of living?

 

 

Yeah i did put him down because he referred to love "experts". Their words and opinions have no more basis than the opinions given here. Therefore i found it amusing that he would attempt to use it as argument.

 

I have never proclaimed to be an "expert" you can interpret my advice as you wish.

 

I totally agree with you that no-one is perfect, but you don't need to have achieved perfection in order to posess self control. There is no excuse for cheating..... there are reasons for cheating, BUT NO EXCUSES.

 

I am familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory and i find it most amusing that you would use psychological bull**** as a reason for cheating.

You don't need life/love experience to know cheating is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

 

Love is a learning experience, but cheating is not............its just common sense. Treat others the way you would like to be treated.