My FWB cant seem to make a choice

[xo_enigma_ox]

I have a FWB relationship with my son's father. We were in a relationship for about 8 years but that was over 13 years ago. We both kept an ongoing healthy and friendly relationship for our son. It just turned out that about 2 years ago we both ended our long term relationships within about 6 months of each other.

 

About a year and a half ago, we mutually decided to become FWB. But seriously, it became this Non-Committed, yet exclusive relationship.

Long story short....I developed feelings for him and spent a long time denying those feelings - but when I finally realized that my feelings were starting to cause issues between us and I was really not happy with the situation anymore - I told him that I wanted/needed to stop being FWB and why. I gave him two options that I could handle:

 

1. We move on to a normal relationship.

2. We remain friends but no benefits.

 

and asked for any options he might be thinking of.

 

My problem is he cant answer me and its been going on for a few weeks now.

 

Some important factors to consider:

-We have not slept together since I dropped this bomb and he is aware that I will not sleep with him again unless we move on to a relationship.

(this is firm - I will not budge on this)

 

-He isnt seeing anyone else

 

-I have asked him not to be afraid of telling me what he wants (or doesnt want) for fear of hurting me - and that I can handle it if he doesnt want anything. I just dont want to be stuck in the position we were in and now I dont want to be waiting and waiting for an answer either.

 

-He says he loves me and I honestly believe him.

 

so why cant he answer me???? What is he waiting for?

[msrealdoll]

I'm sorry, but what is FWB?

[xo_enigma_ox]

A "Friend With Benefits".

[kirkyswife]

Do you think it's possible that he can't answer you because he's developed feelings for you as well and doesn't quite know what to do?

 

Have you talked about being BACK TOGETHER? Or is this a dead issue?

 

Sounds to me like you might be in the same boat and you didn't give him a 3rd option which included reconciliation?

[xo_enigma_ox]

I should have been more clear - when I said that we move on to a normal relationship - I meant "US - together" - so I am giving him that option.

that is why i'm so confused

[kirkyswife]

honestly silence is golden - he's telling you what he wants without saying a word and hoping you'll just "get over it". I don't know him so it's not fair to assume what he thinks but I assume the pressure of having to make a decision is causing the prolonged silence - maybe he's hoping it will go away or that you'll soften up the commitment talk and go back to FWB.

 

I discourage FWB relationships because it's inevitable that feelings will get involved - FWB = NFNBAC (No Friendship, No Benefits And Confusion)

 

Good luck to you! Hope it works out for the best

[HokeyReligions]

It sounds like you need to establish some clearer boundaries. Tell him that you would like to get togeher with him on a specific day/date to discuss your relationship and that at the end of that discussion you will have agreed to become a couple again, or to be friends and free to date others--and become intimate with others if you choose. Give him a week or two so that he has time to think it over as well, and then discuss it during your meeting. You will know that as of whatever date you set to meet him, you will have your answer.

 

It's not fair to keep you waiting. If I didn't set exact dates for discussion and decisions with my husband, he would string me along for years! It took us 4 years to decide what color to paint the living room and I finally just grabbed him, drug him to the paint store and we bought paint! He tried the same thing with the bedroom and I just went and bought what I wanted! It's more serious for you, of course--you are dealing with your heart and future, but the principle is the same!

 

My husband and I talked about going to counseling for a long time and it was always put-off and ignored. I finally just went myself and I forced the issue. Not because he didn't want to go, but because he was such a creature of habit that ANY changes tend to stress him out, so he avoids change (that is part of my problem with him) often to his own detriment.

[StartingAgain]

Kirkswife, I'm going to second your discouragement of FWB. I don't know if I would have until last night. I have a FWB. We were friends before I was divorced and she is single. She was a great help to me and my shoulder as I went through the divorce and it's aftermath. We were not sexual parters at that time, however. Abut four months ago, we decided to become FWB. Our reasoning was that I have needs, she has needs, she doesn't care to ever marry and I'm was in no shape to even think about a romnatic relationship. So we set ground rules about the nature of our relationship. One was that it was not a romantic relationship. Another was that if we saw that the sexual aspect was hurting our friendship, we would end that part of it. We are good friends and our relationship isn't just about sex. Actually we only get together for sex on average three times per month.We do a lot of things together and enjoy one anothers company a great deal. Things have been going along rather well.

 

Thaty is until last night. The evening before we'd got together for dinner. I mentioned that I was ready to start looking for someone to share my life with, but felt that I needed to proceed slowly and cautiously. I thought nothing of it. Yesterday afternoon, she called and asked if she could stop by after work because there was something she wanted to talk to me about. Well, straight away she told me that she's broken the rules and had fallen in love with me. She said she'd felt this way for a couple of months, but a friend of hers had advised her that she shouldn't say anything about it at present, since it might scare me off. She decided after my comment of the night before that she should tell me how she feels.

 

I'd like to tell you that I took her in my arms and professed my love for her. But I didn't, because I don't love her and, as I told her, I don't believe i will ever feel that way about her. I told her that I would even try, since you can't force love; it is either there or it isn't. Now I feel awful, since I understand how it feels to love someone who doesn't love you too. Suffice it to say that we have agreed that the sexual part of our relationship must end. We did not decide about how we will proceed in our friendship, and felt that that was a discussion for another time.

 

I feel awful about this. I know she is hurt. I wish it could be different. What I don't want is to loose my friend. I mentioned this situation to another woman friend today, who told me "I could have told you this would never work. Women will always eventually fall in love with whoever they are having sex. It's just the way we are wired." So, it appears that FWB is a bad idea. I'd like to know how others feel about this and if I should brace myself to loose my friend.

 

xo_enigma_ox, I see this from both yours and your friend's side. But I tend to come down on yours. I think you are correct to put the sex on hold until you get an answer. He may really just want to give this very careful thought, or he may, as others have suggested, think he can wait this out until you get horny again or something. But he's had enough time unless he's avoiding the issue for some reason. He says he loves you, so this shouldn't be difficult. Really, Kirkswife is correct. The two of you are really talking about a reconciliation, since you were together before. And goodness, isn't this every kid's dream: that mom and dad get back together?

[xo_enigma_ox]

But he's had enough time unless he's avoiding the issue for some reason. He says he loves you, so this shouldn't be difficult.

 

Well said - That is exactly what I have been thinking.

 

I think its just time to let go. Im just glad I stopped it.

 

FWB - I dont think that its a good idea either - someone always develops feelings.....and usually someone gets hurt.

[msrealdoll]

I'd like to know how others feel about this and if I should brace myself to loose my friend.

StartingAgain, you may lose her for a while. It may be too painful for her to be around you right now. But I think in time, she will come back around.

 

She has to process all the info, and get some perspective on it. I hope she's able to realize that it's not anyone's fault it happened. Surely, had you known what was happening, you'd have never risked the friendship.

 

I think FWB is a very bad idea. If you like someone enough to be close friends with them, then odds are that sex will cloud the issue. It's too easy to get those romantic feelings for someone when you're in bed with them, cuddling and kissing. And spending all that time with someone...I can see how I could easily fall for a male friend of mine.

[Kizzyfur]

I guess I'm just one of a minority. I don't understand why anyone would fall in love with someone else just by adding sex to the equation. Seems to me TRUE LOVE comes from the heart. If you're "falling in love" with someone just because you're having sex with him/her, what are you going to do if something was ever to happen that he/she is no longer able to have sex?? No longer love him/her?? I myself have never fallen in love with someone just cause I was having sex with him. Yes, I have been in love, but it grew LONG BEFORE we started having sex. Sex does not equal love nor should love grow from it (that's called lust).

 

As far as the initial post. I agree, he's had plenty of time to give you an answer of some sort. Even if it's just that he wants to wait and see if his feelings as well as yours are real.

[OCGirl]

Originally posted by Kizzyfur

I guess I'm just one of a minority. I don't understand why anyone would fall in love with someone else just by adding sex to the equation. Seems to me TRUE LOVE comes from the heart.

 

 

Kizzyfur, you aren't the only one in the minority. I completely agree with what you wrote. I had feelings for my FWB long before any benefits were involved and vice versa. We even cut out the benefits and it's still there.

 

My only advice I can give the person asking this question is, sometimes timing isn't right for someone. There are commitment phobic people who aren't ready for serious relationships even though they are in reality, having something serious without realizing it. They live in denial and it's difficult but I can say, if you love something, set it free, if it comes back it's meant to be. I have found it to be true. Also, if you set it free and don't miss it later down the road, then your feelings weren't what they seemed.

 

Hope that helps.

[Sunny3715]

Originally posted by OCGirl

 

 

My only advice I can give the person asking this question is, sometimes timing isn't right for someone. There are commitment phobic people who aren't ready for serious relationships even though they are in reality, having something serious without realizing it. They live in denial and it's difficult but I can say, if you love something, set it free, if it comes back it's meant to be. I have found it to be true. Also, if you set it free and don't miss it later down the road, then your feelings weren't what they seemed.

 

 

OCGirl, thank you so much for posting this! I am in this FWB situation that is kinda complicated right now. And reading what you posted, has made me realize just how right you are!!

[xo_enigma_ox]

Well - thought I might update on this situation and thank you all for your thoughts as well.

 

Just to let you all know - I didnt fall in love with my FWB because I was having sex with him. I actually have loved this person most of my life and he has loved me too. I think both of us were very hurt from our last relationships and both of us had/have commitment issues, and setting this FWB relationship up might have been our way around them.

 

After what seems like way too long - my FWB and I finally sat down and talked the other night (at his request). He assured me that he loved me with all his heart and that he does not want to lose me. He also told me that he didnt see a problem with the way things were and didnt want to mess anything up. Again, I explained how my feelings for him were causing alot of stress on myself and between us and it was time to move on - either together or separate.

 

I assured him that I loved him and wanted to be with him however, if he did not want that - then it was ok - i would still love him and be there - just without the sex - because my heart cant take it.

 

Anyway - the outcome here is that "we" are going to take things slow and are now officially a couple.

[CurlyIam]

Oh, I am very happy for you! Congrat' for having the courage to admit to yourself that you want more and for doing something about it! Both actions demand lots of courage, I like that in a girl!

 

Hope you're taking things slow and stay happy for a long long time!

[missy10]

Startingagain: Thank you for your post! I am in a similar situation and gosh darn it, why do us females always have to get emotional and let "feelings" cloud the situation??? Unfortunately in my situation we never set ground rules (guess I didn't think I had to) - we have dated for close to a year now - became intimate and I apparently read more into our relationship than perhaps is. He admitted to having a fear of committment recently when I confronted him on the recent silent treatment which didn't alarm me because I wasn't searching for that little ring on the finger but its nice to having someone to go out with, share things with etc. I'm rather new to the dating scene after 18 years of marriage so this FWB thing really through me for a loop! I guess I always thought if you were seeing someone on a regular basis, they called you almost daily and were intimate that kind of meant that you were boyfriend/girlfriend and that you had a relationship. I guess I'm wrong???

 

One other question - and maybe its just me, my naiveness and perhaps my age but I have a difficult time separating feelings for someone when making love - I can't go to bed with someone unless I have genuine feelings for them. You really mean that you could make love with your friend and not have loving feelings for her? Is that how most men are? Sorry to be blunt - I just feel like I'm a fish floundering in this dating scene big time! Thanks for your input - I appreciate it!

 

ox-engima - ox: Congratulations - I hope things work out for you!!! Relationship talks can be so tough!

 

Missy10

[OCGirl]

Originally posted by Sunny3715

OCGirl, thank you so much for posting this! I am in this FWB situation that is kinda complicated right now. And reading what you posted, has made me realize just how right you are!!

 

Sunny, you are very welcome. I have been riding this rollercoaster for awhile now. One thing i have learned, our intial emotions at times that make us want tell the person "screw you" because of our hurt, aren't the answer. Sometimes, we have to step back and read between the lines. Everyone has doubt because of either their past with someone or advice etc. but it doesn't always mean that everything is as it appears. I have learned this the hard way but thankfully not too late.

 

In my situation, we both have baggage but who doesn't? I see it as, he's an amazing person to love me enough "as a friend" and value my friendship enough not to hurt me until he turns his emotions and life around. I can't be angry with someone for cherishing me enough to do the right thing. I also had to learn that FWB's that are best friends, know everything about you. This can work for you but sometimes work against you. In my case, we both both know our relationship history indepthly. So, there's trust issues in the back of our minds. He's brought this up several times that if we were to be together, could I always be faithful to him. Seems like a silly question since I am not with him and faithful to him anyhow but I can understand how neither of us wants to move to that level and then have our hearts broken forever.

 

I have learned that taking our time and just doing things together as friends, not putting pressure on myself or him, is working out perfectly. The more I just go with the flow of our friendship the easier his feelings come out and the more I see of him. Hope that helps.

[StartingAgain]

Missy10, forgive me but I just remembered that I had not responded to your question. I do care for my FWB, but I don't love her. One thing about men that completely confounds women is that we really can separate sex and love. One does not necessarily lead to the other for us. But you know what? When a man has sex with a woman he doesn't love, even if it rockin' sex, it isn't the same as when we make love to a woman we love. The latter is so much different and so much better.

 

Another thing that women fail to understand about men is that sex for us is not always the ultimate expression of intimacy. It usually is for women, but not necessarily for us. It is a very important vehicle for us to feel safe in expressing affection, tenderness and vulnerability, but it isn't always the most intimate experience for us. When my FWB and I started having sex, she wanted to sleep over. This made me very uncomfortable. This is because sleeping and cuddling witha woman is far more intimate than comingling genitalia. I explained this to her and she understood.

 

BTW, my FWB, called the other night to tell me that she'd thought carefully about our conversation the evening she told me she loved me. She's decided that she really doesn't want our relationship to change and that she is a grown woman, capable of feeling love for me but not expecting anything more than I am ready or able to give her. So we're OK.

[missy10]

Startingagain: Thank you for your response and your honesty! Reading it made me sad - sad that GOD made us so different with our emotions . To me and probably to most women making love with a man is one of the highest points of intimacy - to me I'm at my most vulnerable state and sharing a part of me that is kept for the man I'm with. I read your post and can better understand my friend now - he would get real squeemish at times too if I wanted to stay over. I didn't view it as anything but maybe he viewed it as being too much like a couple? It makes me sad to think he will probably never care for me the way he would if he had true feelings for me.

 

Does it make you a little nervous to wonder can your lady friend really separate the love she has for you and continue the FWB without getting emotionally hurt? WOw if she can tell her to call me (kidding). I'm trying to convince myself I can but not sure about it. I may have lost my chance to try anyways.

 

Thanks again!

 

Missy10

[CurlyIam]

Wow, StartingAgain, you've gotten yourself quite a lady!

[StartingAgain]

Well, Missy10, don't envy us men too much for the way we handle our emotions. Remember, we feel every emotion that you feel, but we can't express them the way women do. Men my age have heard all our lives that we need to learn to better express our emotions and many of us have worked hard to do this. What we find is that when we do express our emotions, we are considered weak by both men and women. Society still requires that we be strong and stoic. Think about it. You can read it in the posts here, and if you go to any on-line dating site, you'll see that one of the most important qualities a woman seeks in a man is strength and confidence. A man who is hurt, or afraid, or sad, or unsure, is not going to be judged as meeting this confidence test. Hence we generally keep our emotions bottled up and present a brave face to the world. Being a man can be a very, very lonely. If you women really understood the things we keep bottled up and try to deal with alone, you'd be heartbroken. We need to express our emotions and have our needs met, though and we tend to sexualize them. Women who don't understand this call us such things as pigs, sex maniacs, etc.

 

I can't speak for your man, only for myself. It isn't that I don't want to sleep with my FWB because it would make us seem too much like a couple. Rather, one is most vulnerable when one is asleep. And cuddling to me is much more intimate than intercourse, because it *is* non-sexual. So I consider it much more intimate. I always wanted to cuddle with my wife after making love (even though she couldn't stand it -- go figure), but I don't want to do this with my FWB. I don't love her in that way and am not willing to give this part of myself. I will reserve that for someone I love.

 

Yes, it does make me a bit nervous that my FWB may not be able to keep love and sex seperate. If I see that she can't do this, then for her own good, I will have to end the sexual part of our relationship. I'm not making myself responsible for her emotions, but rather, keeping up my guard so that I don't blindly become the cause of pain for her.

 

You state that your man may never care for you in the way he would if he had true feelings for you. Consider that grown men, unlike 20 year old boys, don't instantly fall in love. Usually, it is a gradual process for us and it often takes time for us to realize that what we are feeling for a woman is love.

[missy10]

Startingagain: Again, thank you for your honesty and frankness - it is much appreciated! So what you are ultimately saying is I need to wack him upside the head with a 2 x 4 to quicken the process of having him fall for me (kidding!).

 

I will give it time - have nothing but - but I appreciate hearing a mans perspective!

 

Thanks

Missy10