My sister in law is a big financial burden!?

[hanna786]

My husband's sister lives in india, she came to visit us in uk because she wanted to have a holiday so she asked my hubby to sponser her and of course pay for everything including the ticket,spending money, gifts for her family and friends,the application fee etc. I am being honest,i was un happy with all this financial burden that was on my hubby as we have 3 kids etc. She was excpecting this to be a regular thing and when she found out i was un happy she became mardy-ignored me when i chat to her and give me dirty looks zqa\and was very rude to me

while she stayed here in my house and told her sister over the phone that i will get no respect when i go to india. My husband was making a home in india with the help of his dad for us when we go and visit, because she is his sister she will be living in it of course. She was saying stuff about the home as though it's hers eg the kitchen will be made for me, we will have this in it etc etc. Then when she went back to india she would constantly ring my hubby to ask for money so the home can quickly finish and she can move in. I was treated with no respect and as though i have no say andit was as though that house is hers.So i told my hubby and gave her a mouth full and told her that she is breaking me and my hubbies marriage and that she should go and do a man. i felt guilty after this of course, do you think what she was excpecting and doing is acceptable in any culture and society? and do you think i was wrong in all of this? My husband did try to hint that this shouldn't be a regular thing, after he supported her trip he was in abit of financial trouble and she got the hint even more. She still doesn't give up and get the message it's like she thinks she has every right on our money. When ever he chat to her on the phone he told me he chat to her and the conversation would always be regarding money.

[january2011]

I think it's down to your husband to draw the line. It's his sister. While you may have a say in how your husband uses his money, the final decision is his and if he chooses to give money to his sister at the expense of his relationship with you and his own finances, then I think there's not a whole lot you can do.

 

I understand that in some cultures, a woman marries into the man's family and therefore she has lower status that his family members. This may be true in your culture and that's why she's lording it over you because she sees your husband's possessions as his stuff and not jointly owned by the two of you. Or she could just be a sponger who has now qualms about using people to get what she can out of them. Either way, it's down to your husband to make a stand. She doesn't care about you or your marriage. She only cares about herself. I'm afraid may come down to your husband choosing between his marriage and his sister. And it's becoming more apparent that despite his misgivings, he's leaning towards her.

 

I suggest you get your ducks in a row so that if the marriage does break up, you have a plan B in place to ensure that you and your kids are not left without any options.

[Leigh 87]

I would not appreciate or tollerate it, is I was marries to my boyfriend, and his sister wanted to drain all his money for no good reason.

 

If his sister needed medical help or needed the money for a good reason - fair enough! However, she feels entitled to use his money to come for " visites" and those type of things - personally, my values to not really align with people who would feel it is okay to do this. A visit - sure - you now, providing her a house, paying for a few restaurant meals - normal. Paying for her entire trip, including presents to bring back for her children? ANd expecting to be able to just do it whenever she pleases? Not cool.

 

If she expects any more money from him, and it IS adversely affecting your finances - I would explain to him that this is enough for you to consider seriously leaving the marriage.

At least of he knows what he could lose ( his wife..) , he might re evaluate his sisters sense of entitlement.

 

Good luck, I hope you tell your husband how serious this matter is to you.

[SarahRose]

first off are you also indian?

 

i think indian marriages and families are lovely but they are so structured and full of rules and drama with the family.

 

i imagine your husband is from a wealthy family as poor indians don't get to go live in western countries like your husband has.

 

i suspect you will have to put up with this if you are going to keep the peace in his family because they will not let you live it down when you go over there. this is just the way things are and part of the culture.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

Sounds like H is tight with/cleaves to his family. Question: Did he provide examples of this prior to being married and having three kids? How well did you know his family before saying 'I do' in marriage? Generally, FOO (family of origin) dynamics change relatively little throughout life. Each family is its own 'culture'. This is why FOO analysis is so important to compatibility, as marriage is a blending of family cultures, as well as social cultures if in a multi-cultural marriage.

 

Where to go from here? If his familial loyalty endangers your family's financial stability, that's a direct communication opportunity. If he's rude and dismissive, that's an answer. Invite him to see how well that goes with a family law judge. Hopefully, he'll be smart enough to avoid that kind of education, but it's available if needed.

 

Beyond that, accept what one cannot change. There's no law that requires you to communicate with people who treat you poorly. If members of his family do that, avoid them and discussions of them. Make a choice.

[hanna786]

first off are you also indian?

 

i think indian marriages and families are lovely but they are so structured and full of rules and drama with the family.

 

i imagine your husband is from a wealthy family as poor indians don't get to go live in western countries like your husband has.

 

i suspect you will have to put up with this if you are going to keep the peace in his family because they will not let you live it down when you go over there. this is just the way things are and part of the culture.

I would just like to tell you that the most hurtful thing about all of this is, he wasn't rich i am british born. I married him and called him over to the uk as my spouse and i paid a hell of alot of money to do that. What have i gained out of it!

[TaraMaiden]

I'm also in the UK....

 

You may be British-born, but is your family British, or are they naturalised here?

Are you actually from a British family?

 

it's an Important point...

And are you Muslim or Hindu?

[Wolfcub]

You asked how things stand in different countries. In my Northern European country the tradition and laws are pretty sure about the fact that with marriage husband and wife become the closest and most important relatives for each other. Look for instance, at inheritance laws: first come wife and all children equally, only if there are none of those, come brothers and sisters and parents. If some disaster happens, the doctors would ask the wife for permission to do this or that. Or children.

There is no legal obligation for anybody to provide for siblings, if parents can't do it, they would be classified as orphans and state would care for them, if no relative comes forward. This is done all voluntary, for love, not duty. And even so - only while they are young and can't provide for themselves. Study, graduate, start independent life. Grownups should live their own lives. Siblings are not held prior to wife/husband and children. I mean - this would be ok to build a house for the family to stay while visiting, it would be ok to have (any) relative live in there to look after it and benefit from having a free place to live. But this should not create problems or wife and children. Both financial problems and emotional problems.

If somebody would care so much for a grown up person in my country, chances are, it may be considered pervert in a meaning that there is some secret relation between the two, more intimate than that of a brother and sister, or that the brother is manipulating and does not allow the sister to live her own adult life - study, work, get married, have children.

 

But there might be a quite simple explanation from the sister's point if view: if the family was poor, they probably have not the slightest idea exactly how much money is "much". They may have a feeling that this one member of the family now is fabulously rich, no limits in spending, can afford whatever anytime. Especially that she did get the free trip and visit already once. Which was nice of course. But she can't see why it has to stop. In my country we had deep economic crises already when all the world was still doing fine. Thats after the USSR collapsed. Salaries were miserable, we were happy to have our simple daily food and some charity clothing and did not dare to dream of anything else. So a lady who had a monthly salary of 60 (think of pounds for scale) was admiring somebody who had a monthly salary of 80: probably that person eats in restaurants every day! But then she reached the level of 80 herself. And admired people who had 100.... All the while a minimal salary to survive on should have been something around 300-400 at least. Or more.

Well, I try to say, that even if she knows the numbers, these may mean nothing to her.

[hanna786]

Well it's fair enough that she had a free holiday once, but becoming rude and disrespectful that she is getting banned from expecting these freebies on a regular basis was shocking me. If that was me i wouldn't excpect all this in the first place but if i knew my brothers wife doesn't like it i would just back off. Her brother paid for it, then later was very angry when he was in a financial pickle. She knew he was angry but when he gets back into an ok mood, she goes back to square one. They arn't that poor because her dad earns money but me and my kids don't ask them for anything so why is she wanting all this off us. It might be because she thinks her brother earns more then the dad, after her holiday we were in financial trouble. I hear a few months later that she has been talking to my hubby about how her mum is getting ill in the sun in india and it would be grate if they had a car so my hubby said ok i'll get you one. I don't think they realise he has three kids!!!