Why is spoiling a child considered a bad thing?

[turnera]

The best speech I ever heard was at a PTA meeting. He'd been at the school all day, watching a nonstop rotation of parents coming up to bring forgotten lunches, homework, and projects. At the meeting that night, he told us that if your 2nd grader forgets his lunch, the school will give him a PB&J; he won't starve. But if you bring him his lunch, he didn't learn to be responsible. If you don't bring him his homework, he'll get a 0; but Harvard will never look at your kid's 2nd grade report card, and if he gets that 0, he WILL be more likely to remember tomorrow's homework. And if you continue to cover for your kid, he will NEVER learn to be responsible; why should he? And then, when he is away at college and HAS to learn, the mistakes will be on a MUCH bigger scale and very much will affect the rest of his life.

 

I don't think it's too late for you to stop covering for her. Tell her WHY you are now stepping back and letting her learn her own consequences. I told my daughter that if she ever did anything bad enough to get thrown in jail, even overnight, she'd better be prepared to endure it, cos I wasn't about to bail her out for doing something she knew better than to do. We asked her once, around 17, why she was never getting in trouble and getting grounded like ALL her friends, and she just said 'Why would I do something that I know is going to get me grounded?'

 

Tell her the new rules, explain that any consequences will be on her shoulders - as she now knows the rules - and you have faith that she'll learn from it.

[turnera]

And see if you can start getting her to go on walks with you. It's nonconfrontational, you're stuck together so you gotta talk about something, and the more you do it, the more it will start becoming a safe place to work out issues.

[2sure]

And see if you can start getting her to go on walks with you. It's nonconfrontational, you're stuck together so you gotta talk about something, and the more you do it, the more it will start becoming a safe place to work out issues.

 

Its sweet of you to take the time to add that suggstion. Im doing that and you're right - its important. Thank you. Its good to have confirmation Im doing something right!

[turnera]

lol, I don't know how many times my daughter just 'lay in wait' for me to get home, and pounced on me as soon as I got in the door, asking me to go on a walk. I always knew when she did that, that she needed to talk about something.

[Manimal]

I think most people associate spoiling with materialism (showering a kid with toys , etc.). I grew up rather poor and whenever my grandmother would buy me a toy or something, I was walkin' on air! My half-brother was spoiled rotten by his father. Come Christmas time I got a few things, nothing crazy, but I was happy. He got dirtbikes, go-carts, etc. I got to go over to his dad's house with him a lot and play w/ hist stuff, too, but it was different.

 

As we got older (I'm 3 1/2 years older) he started to get into trouble with drugs and small crimes (he was about 13 or so when this began, and by this time he was living with his father and I was with my grandmother). This is where I think his dad did him a disservice. His dad had money, so whenever my brother got into trouble he got him out of it. His dad acquired a very competent (and expensive) attorney over those years to exonerate my brother, preventing him from getting sent to juvy, etc. I can see it in the beginning, as a dad is wont to do anything for their son, but at some point it would seem the constant bail-outs thwarted my brother from shouldering the burden of his consequences and adapting his behavior accordingly.

 

Now he is in prison (for the second time) for armed robbery. The idiot put a loaded handgun up to an old lady's head at a carwash at dusk and surveillance cameras identified him. He's in for a while this time.

 

Anyway, without drudging up my family's sociopathy, I don't for a second think that my brother's materialistically rich childhood derailed his development into manhood, but rather the belief that he could not get into any real trouble which was cultivated over the years from, well, never really getting into any real, lasting trouble (and a possible genetic predisposition to psychoses).

 

Sorry for the rambling. I think when it comes to spoiling kids, it's common sense. Buy your kid a bike. Let 'em have decent clothes. Just make sure they understand the value of materialistic items, and that there isn't really any value there (if you know what I'm sayin').

[KathyM]

When you give children everything they want, they grow to not appreciate what they have.

 

When you allow children to do whatever they want, they have a hard time getting along with others and respecting the rights of others, and they have a hard time living within society's rules because they are used to people catering to whatever they want, without regard for what others want or need.

 

When you make a child think they are the center of the universe, they can't manage in life when they are not treated by others as the center of the universe.

[SarahRose]

there is different types of spoiling some of it is neglect

 

buying kids everything they ask for

no discipline just letting them do whatever they want as long as they don't bother you

no consequences for anything

doing everything for them

hovering around and being overprotective

 

all this says is i think you are a bumbling idiot who can't do anything for yourself so i have to do it for you.

 

or i am to cowardly and weak to say no to you as you might get mad at me for a few minutes and i can't deal with having my feelings hurt

 

or i can't say no because saying no is harder than saying yes

[Micki]

When you give children everything they want, they grow to not appreciate what they have..

 

That's not true. People are different. Some may appreciate it and some might not. You can't judge everyone as being the same.

 

 

When you allow children to do whatever they want, they have a hard time getting along with others and respecting the rights of others, and they have a hard time living within society's rules because they are used to people catering to whatever they want, without regard for what others want or need.

 

Again, not true. Everyone is not the same. One "spoiled" person might be that way, but other "spoiled" people may not be.

 

 

When you make a child think they are the center of the universe, they can't manage in life when they are not treated by others as the center of the universe.

 

That's not true. Children know that not everyone will treat them like their parents. So, if their parents treat them like the "center of the universe" that does NOT mean that they will expect it from others. Just like a spoiled wife does not expect to be spoiled by every man who is not her husband.

 

We relate to our parents differently than we do others.

[WeAllMightBeNuts]

That's not true. People are different. Some may appreciate it and some might not. You can't judge everyone as being the same.

 

 

 

Again, not true. Everyone is not the same. One "spoiled" person might be that way, but other "spoiled" people may not be.

 

 

 

That's not true. Children know that not everyone will treat them like their parents. So, if their parents treat them like the "center of the universe" that does NOT mean that they will expect it from others. Just like a spoiled wife does not expect to be spoiled by every man who is not her husband.

 

We relate to our parents differently than we do others.

 

These all can be absolutely correct.

 

Percentage wise, from what I have seen, they are absolutely incorrect.

 

Spoiling any human lowers the percentage that they will be well rounded, have humility, be responsible, stand on their own, respect others and overall be a better person for themselves and society.

 

Doesn't mean they won't achieve all of those characteristics while being "spoiled". It does, however seem to lower the chance they will.

[bentnotbroken]

These all can be absolutely correct.

 

Percentage wise, from what I have seen, they are absolutely incorrect.

 

Spoiling any human lowers the percentage that they will be well rounded, have humility, be responsible, stand on their own, respect others and overall be a better person for themselves and society.

 

Doesn't mean they won't achieve all of those characteristics while being "spoiled". It does, however seem to lower the chance they will.

 

 

As spoiled can lead to the negative. I think it depends on what some people call spoiled. For me it was just knowing that my parents were with me 100% with love, hugs, kisses, laughs and discipline. I am in my late 40's and I & my siblings are spoiled and we love it.

[turnera]

Micki, perhaps we should hear YOUR definition and example of spoiing.

[Micki]

 

Spoiling any human lowers the percentage that they will be well rounded, have humility, be responsible, stand on their own, respect others and overall be a better person for themselves and society.

 

Again, I disagree. Plenty of people who are not considered spoiled can lack humility, not be responsible, not stand on their own, not be well rounded or respect others and overall be a better person for themselves and society. For example, you don't have to be spoiled to be violent, an adulterer, a bully, or disrespectful to people. I think jealous, judgemental, and violent people are far worse to society than a so-called "spoiled" person.

[Micki]

Micki, perhaps we should hear YOUR definition and example of spoiing.

 

Being doted on with attention, love, and gifts. This doesn't make a person a bad person. If that's the case, being neglected or overlooked would make a person far worse.....for example, resentful and jealous of others.

 

Which is why I believe some people who are not spoiled become judgemental, envious, jealous and resentful of people whom they perceive as spoiled. For example, a wife spoiled by her husband will be the target of jealousy from others who are not spoiled. This is also the case with a favored or "spoiled" sibling. Usually, the other siblings will resent it.

 

Some people act like a "spoiled" person is the worse thing in the world. But, apparently, a non spoiled person is okay if they're a bully, a thief, a resentful person, extremely competitive, violent, and cruel.

Edited July 2, 2012 by Micki

[turnera]

That's not specific enough. You can spoil a child with love so much that they have no doubt whatsoever they are loved.

 

You can spoil a child by not expecting them to clean up a vase they break (and continuing this lack of holding them accountable throughout childhood), so that they grow up not caring about other people's belongings.

 

What, specifically, are you talking about?

 

I assume this has something to do with your own situation?

[Micki]

That's not specific enough. You can spoil a child with love so much that they have no doubt whatsoever they are loved.

 

You can spoil a child by not expecting them to clean up a vase they break (and continuing this lack of holding them accountable throughout childhood), so that they grow up not caring about other people's belongings.

 

What, specifically, are you talking about?

 

I assume this has something to do with your own situation?

 

Actually, I mean in general.

 

I've heard people say that an only child is spoiled, or that a favored sibling is spoiled, or that rich kids are spoiled, or that mothers spoil their sons, or husbands spoil their wives. I don't see this as a bad thing. Being spoiled doesn't make one a bad person. If that was the case, why do so many unspoiled people rob, steal, bully, committ adultery, molest kids, backstab, become jealous and competitive?

[KathyM]

Actually, I mean in general.

 

I've heard people say that an only child is spoiled, or that a favored sibling is spoiled, or that rich kids are spoiled, or that mothers spoil their sons, or husbands spoil their wives. I don't see this as a bad thing. Being spoiled doesn't make one a bad person. If that was the case, why do so many unspoiled people rob, steal, bully, committ adultery, molest kids, backstab, become jealous and competitive?

Spoiling a child is not the only negative parenting that causes problems for the child later on, obviously. There are many forms of negative parenting that can result in a poorly adjusted child that acts out later in life--neglect, abuse, poor role modeling, poor disciplining, etc. There's a reason they call it "spoiling" a child. Because it results in negative attitudes/behaviors in a child.

[turnera]

Actually, I mean in general.

 

I've heard people say that an only child is spoiled, or that a favored sibling is spoiled, or that rich kids are spoiled, or that mothers spoil their sons, or husbands spoil their wives. I don't see this as a bad thing. Being spoiled doesn't make one a bad person. If that was the case, why do so many unspoiled people rob, steal, bully, committ adultery, molest kids, backstab, become jealous and competitive?

Well, you are jumbling together a whole wide mix of 'spoiling' into one bag, don't you think?

 

And no one has said that spoiling people is what causes them to rob, steal, bully, committ adultery, molest kids, backstab, become jealous and competitive. I take it someone is telling YOU in YOUR life that this is the case? If so, it sounds like they have an agenda. I assume you're trying to get some sort of ammunition against someone in your life?

 

Without you willing to give the proper background information, we are beating a dead horse with you.

[Micki]

Well, you are jumbling together a whole wide mix of 'spoiling' into one bag, don't you think?

 

And no one has said that spoiling people is what causes them to rob, steal, bully, committ adultery, molest kids, backstab, become jealous and competitive. .

 

 

I know. I was saying that spoiling is not the worst thing in the world.

 

I wasn't saying that being spoiled makes you rob, steal, bully, molest kids, or committ adultery etc.....Quite the contray, I was saying that people who aren't considered spoiled can do far wiorse things due to resentment, envy, jealousy and bitterness. For example, people consider an only child as spoiled. However, apparently,people with siblings are not considered spoiled, but there are many cases of non spoiled people who bully people (including their own siblings), or non spoiled people who molest kids, backstab, committ adultery, rob, steal, become jealous and competitive.

 

In my opinion, being spoiled is mild compared to other cruel actions or traits in the world (like bullying or stealing).

[Micki]

I take it someone is telling YOU in YOUR life that this is the case? If so, it sounds like they have an agenda. I assume you're trying to get some sort of ammunition against someone in your life?

 

Without you willing to give the proper background information, we are beating a dead horse with you.

 

 

Well, it's not me per se. It's mostly in general. I've just always heard people say that being spoiled is a "bad" thing. And I disagree. There are far worse things than being spoiled. Spoiled does not mean you are a bad or violent person. Quite to contray, it seems that neglected, bitter, resentful, and jealous people would cause far more harm to society.

[turnera]

I think that, usually, the greatest harm that comes from spoiling a child is that harm TO that child. If you spoil your child by letting him eat only hamburgers and french fries for 18 years because that's all he 'likes,' you have raised a kid who will likely suffer from poor nutritional habits (and the accompanying diseases) the rest of his life.

 

If you spoil your child by never holding him accountable for what he does wrong, he learns not to CARE if he does wrong, and he'll spend his life hurting people and not understanding why they cut him off.

 

My husband's dad had him up on roofs at the age of 5, helping him roof (never paid him a dime); made him do work in the ice houses so he could (the dad) get free beer. Along comes younger brother, 6 years younger, the dad dotes on that kid, gives him everything he wants. If the YB breaks something of my husband's, the dad punished my husband for not watching his brother. If the YB got in trouble for something and mom locks his motorbike up (my husband never even got a motorbike), and the YB BREAKS the lock and takes it anyway, the dad congratulated him for his ingenuity. Meanwhile, my husband would get clobbered for speaking back. If YB breaks his remote airplane on purpose (again, my husband got none of these things), dad takes YB out and buys him a new one.

 

Fast forward to today? YB cheats on his taxes, steals from us, takes things without having any intention of paying it back, expects presents at holidays but won't give them out himself (doesn't 'believe' in it), uses women like garbage, and generally has no morals whatsoever - he literally says he takes what he wants because he deserves it.

 

THAT is what spoiling can do. It CREATES a person who simply cannot care about anyone else.

 

And then, there are the parents who spoil by doing everything for their kids, only to have their kids move back IN with them when they realize no one else is going to keep doing it. THOSE parents not only hurt the kids, but hurt themselves.

[LittlePrince]

Why is spoiled milk considered a bad thing? It still has a milk like resemblance.

[Micki]

I think that, usually, the greatest harm that comes from spoiling a child is that harm TO that child. If you spoil your child by letting him eat only hamburgers and french fries for 18 years because that's all he 'likes,' you have raised a kid who will likely suffer from poor nutritional habits (and the accompanying diseases) the rest of his life.

 

If you spoil your child by never holding him accountable for what he does wrong, he learns not to CARE if he does wrong, and he'll spend his life hurting people and not understanding why they cut him off.

 

My husband's dad had him up on roofs at the age of 5, helping him roof (never paid him a dime); made him do work in the ice houses so he could (the dad) get free beer. Along comes younger brother, 6 years younger, the dad dotes on that kid, gives him everything he wants. If the YB breaks something of my husband's, the dad punished my husband for not watching his brother. If the YB got in trouble for something and mom locks his motorbike up (my husband never even got a motorbike), and the YB BREAKS the lock and takes it anyway, the dad congratulated him for his ingenuity. Meanwhile, my husband would get clobbered for speaking back. If YB breaks his remote airplane on purpose (again, my husband got none of these things), dad takes YB out and buys him a new one.

 

Fast forward to today? YB cheats on his taxes, steals from us, takes things without having any intention of paying it back, expects presents at holidays but won't give them out himself (doesn't 'believe' in it), uses women like garbage, and generally has no morals whatsoever - he literally says he takes what he wants because he deserves it.

 

THAT is what spoiling can do. It CREATES a person who simply cannot care about anyone else.

 

And then, there are the parents who spoil by doing everything for their kids, only to have their kids move back IN with them when they realize no one else is going to keep doing it. THOSE parents not only hurt the kids, but hurt themselves.

 

 

Okay. I understand what you're saying. Maybe some others use the word "spoiled" and mean other things. For example, people will claim an only child is automatically spoiled simply because they have no siblings. It doesn't matter if the only child is not spoiled. It doesn't matter that plenty of people with siblings are spoiled. The single/only child will simply be looked upon as a horrible person. Never mind if they are more generous than supposedly non spoiled people. I just think if you are "spoiled" as long as you are a decent person, who does not harm or bother others, I don't see the big deal. We should be more concerned with bullys or thieves. These people are bothering or harming others. Now, that is a big deal.

[turnera]

You keep bringing this up. Are you an only child? Tired of people assigning a 'title' on you?

 

My DD21 is an only child. We spoiled her with buying her every toy we could think of (against my mom's wishes, lol) and revolving our lives around her. But I did not spoil her in terms of expecting a lot from her and expecting her to model the morals I taught her. She didn't care about the stuff we bought her; in fact, she usually told us she didn't need or want anything. Smarter than us, I think.

 

We were lucky - she's very conscientious, helpful to others, dedicated (says I'm her best friend), and has high goals (getting a PhD in research). I think that, without my awareness of what spoiling could do, I would have spoiled her in many more ways that WOULD have resulted in a selfish brat.

 

She readily admits she was spoiled. But she's such a great person, that she can (and does) wear it as a badge of honor - and uses it for laughs.

[Fractured]

I was spoiled as a child, and I've been called high matience by every guy i've ever been with. My last relationship was horrible, and I was miserable and got abused. Yet I still stayed because he made good money and would buy me whatever my little heart desired. Lol.

[Fractured]

I was spoiled as a child, and I've been called high matience by every guy i've ever been with. My last relationship was horrible, and I was miserable and got abused. Yet I still stayed because he made good money and would buy me whatever my little heart desired. Lol. nails done, hair done, new clothes, ice cream every day, ect.

 

Have them earn most of their gifts. Prepare them for the real world.