Should I tell my new BF about my past?

[Thunderbolt]

I had a long and intense affair with a married man. It lasted several years but has been over for the better part of two years with very little contact in those two years. I've been dating someone (single) who I've started to develop feelings for. He's been very open about his life -- including past relationships. We've recently decided to be exclusive with each other and I seem to be learning more about him all the time. Unintentionally, I've always been a private person. Not necessarily lying about things in my life, but more in a way of withholding information/not divulging information voluntarily.

 

Now that we've become serious, I have this huge cloud hanging over my head about my past with xMM. I feel like it's affecting my current relationship. I feel like I'm unable to move to the next level with him because of my past. I want to tell him everything but I'm afraid he'll ditch me like a bad habit. This is the first guy since xmm that I'm really falling for.

 

Should I tell my current BF about my past with xMM?

[darkmoon]

what do you hope to gain by telling him? stories of exes a person loved are not nice- how can your boyf shift the cloud? you will gve him a cloud of his own

[MissBee]

In my opinion, if someone isn't going to ditch you because of your past...let them ditch you. It is a part of who you are and if they supposedly want you, then they should be able to accept it. I'd feel very uncomfortable being with someone whom I felt I had to hide aspects of myself and history from. It's obvious that it bothers you, so if you plan to have a good relationship that is authentic and supportive, you should be able to express these things to him.

 

No one has to tell a partner every sordid detail of their past, but an aspect that is looming over you should be able to be expressed and you should feel safe doing so. For me personally, if I don't feel like I can be who I am in my entirety with a man, without holding back, downplaying or omitting for fear he will leave....I just don't think it is worth it.

[Thunderbolt]

I agree with both of the above comments. Maybe I should ask if it's important to share my past with him. Is it essentially lying to him if I never tell him about xMM? For those of you who've moved past your affair onto someone single, do you share your past with them once your relationship becomes serious?

[Thunderbolt]

I've tried asking myself the same questions, if the shoe were on the other foot -- would I want to know that he had an affair with a married woman for 3 years? Just being honest, it might scare me. I'm not proud of my past. It's left me scarred in many ways. I feel like I'm finally able to move on to a healthy and normal relationship. But, I'd be lying if I said that the affair had no affect on me. A part of me feels like it will haunt me forever. For some reason, I feel like if I come clean with my bf I will feel better (the "truth shall set you free" theory). Perhaps he will understand why I'm a bit guarded and wanting to take things slow?

[darkmoon]

"the truth will set you free" whose freedom are you seeking?

[MissBee]

I agree with both of the above comments. Maybe I should ask if it's important to share my past with him. Is it essentially lying to him if I never tell him about xMM? For those of you who've moved past your affair onto someone single, do you share your past with them once your relationship becomes serious?

 

I do. It's not something I feel I HAVE to do...my relationships flow naturally, just like my friendships. Just like my bestfriends and I chitchat and reflect on stuff, If I am in a relationship with a man, things come up over time. No guy I've been with has ever had a problem with it, as I am not that person anymore, and it usually is an exchange where we've both shared less than shining moments that led us to who we are now. Maybe it is your own feelings about your A that affects how you feel about sharing it? I feel like for me, the A almost seems like something I did in another life...it doesn't color who I am today negatively and me talking about it doesn't make me feel shameful...it's something I did, learned from and I think when I share it with a man, it comes off that way and it's not a big deal to them. If I met a man that felt it was a big deal...he is entitled to feel that way but I'm not going to hide it because I think he will leave me.

[Thunderbolt]

Good question darkmoon. Perhaps it is a bit selfish to spring this on him. It was my doing and I've created my own problems based on actions taken in the past. My boyfriend has told me a couple things about his past which at first kind of threw me for a loop. But after the initial shock, I ended up feeling good that he was honest with me and felt comfortable enough telling me things he doesn't just tell anyone. He's been so honest with me on many different levels -- and without directly lying to him, I do feel in a way that I'm lying to him. What if he somehow finds out about xMM months or years down the road? Won't he feel lied to?

[Thunderbolt]

Interesting MissBee. Do you tell most/all guys you've been in relationships with post affair about your past? Sounds like the ones you have told have been okay with it? Do you feel like it's something you need to share in order to progress a relationship?

[darkmoon]

every one has a past, you loved unwisely, ok, but unless you are sure that he is telling you all, just mention MM, do not turn it into a drama - if you think a man is going to sit and want to play confession-booth host without being a professional, well, you might find it cuts thru his standards to have to, but i'm old enough to need to be discreet about bad things i wish i'd neva done -

 

moaning at this man about your past will not be great, just mention it and move on you might look like you are reminiscing which is not very kind, i urge you to go easy, i mean well in my blunt and open talk here xx men can like girls who are angelic

Edited May 17, 2012 by darkmoon

[Million.to.1]

I think that you should tell him. It was a long affair and at some point you are going to have to fill in that gap of your life and where you were at with a story. It could lead to lies. It's also shaped who you are and how you deal with relationships.

 

If the affair that you had has changed you - the mistakes that you made in that stage of your life has given you clarity on what is truly right and made you value honesty and integrity, then it's a positive thing.

Everyone has skeletons in their closet and past mistakes they are not proud of. The true nature of your character is revealed by how these effect your life now and the future.

 

If you tell him, be honest about how it made you feel and what you learned

from it. If he judges you and doesn't want to be with you anymore, that is his decision. But i don't think that will happen if you are at peace with your own mistakes and can see the life lessons that experience provided for you and share those things with him as well.

 

My Ex harshly judged me on a past experience of my own when i told him. I wished at the time that I hadn't said anything, but now, looking back, I am glad that was open about those things in my past. It showed me that we have different value systems. I value honesty and accept that good people make stupid mistakes that can make them better people in the long run. He values morals. At the end of the day, it was his judgmental attitude about people in general that made me feel he had little compassion.

 

Neither of us is right or wrong. Just different and incompatible.

 

I think honesty is important to you because you want to tell him. You can't deny that part of yourself, and feel like "a cloud" is hanging around by not revealing the truth. So do what you think is right for you. How he reacts is up to him.

[MissBee]

Interesting MissBee. Do you tell most/all guys you've been in relationships with post affair about your past? Sounds like the ones you have told have been okay with it? Do you feel like it's something you need to share in order to progress a relationship?

 

I've told 2 that I've been serious about....other guys I'm casually dating, it may have come up in conversation if we're talking about things we did in the past or it may not have, but with the 2 serious ones, I told them. But even with the 2 serious ones, it wasn't like some big sit down conversation where I felt like I needed to get it off my chest, or that the relationship couldn't progress unless I brought it up. If I felt like I had to hide it though, then I'd feel like it couldn't progress. It didn't have that Jerry Springer feel, like I sat them down to drop a bombshell about my past A It wasn't anything anyone fell out of their chair over. The most recent one, it came up because I actually asked him about cheating and if he had cheated before and he said once and explained how that happened and then he asked me in turn and I told him no, but I was involved with a taken guy etc...and we discussed it and that was that.

 

There are other things that I feel are more serious or a bomb that I have to tell a guy. One for me is that my bestfriend is a lesbian, she has been my best friend for 11 years and will continue to be. I therefore cannot date a homophobic man or a man who would not be okay with that. So usually that is one of the topics I feel a bit anxious about bringing up...but not the A. And even with that, my test of if a man and I can make it, is his response to it.

Edited May 18, 2012 by MissBee

[whichwayisup]

Tell him..Let him know that it was part of your past, the you and exMM are no longer in contact (make sure this part is totally true, NC is in place and has been for a long time) and that you regret being part of it all. Own it and move on, don't make a big deal of it either. Maybe he's made some bad choices and made mistakes in his life too. If he truly likes you and cares for you, he'll know it's your past and not end things with you.. But, if he does end it, then he probably isn't right for you in the long run.

 

You don't "owe" him details, but the more serious you get the more it'll be in your mind so the sooner you tell him, the better.

[Thunderbolt]

I appreciate all the responses, thanks everyone. The consensus seems to point towards telling him but not making it a huge deal.

 

Here's a detail I left out in my initial post. We did talk about past relationships, how they ended, how long they lasted, etc. Basic chit-chat about our dating history. I mentioned relationships outside of xMM. Will he misconstrue my oversight about not mentioning xMM earlier as lying to him? When we talked about it initially, I panicked a bit. The thought crossed my mind about spilling my guts but thought that I'd surely scare him off by bringing up the facts so soon. We had this discussion early on (within the first 2-3 dates). Kind of wishing I sought this advice sooner...

[whichwayisup]

We had this discussion early on (within the first 2-3 dates)

Nobody expects really personal stuff within a few dates. Again, no big deal. You can even tell him that you wanted to tell him that night but felt insecure and wasn't sure how he'd react, that you were worried that he wouldn't call you again after telling him about your past.

 

You are not the same person as you were when in the A.

 

You didn't answer my question. Are you and exMM in TOTAL NC now? or is he in contact at times?

[Thunderbolt]

WWIU -- xMM contacts me every once in a while. I haven't seen him in over a year and the A has more or less been over for 2 years. There's been a few emails here and there, friendly in nature more than anything. Nothing major -- but, I understand what you're getting at.

[whichwayisup]

Time to cut all contact. Tell your exMM that you've met someone and it's getting serious..For your new boyfriends sake, you need to cut the ties forever so you both can let go and move on. Friendly or not, there's no real good reason for you and exMM to keep in touch.. Reverse the situation, if it was your bf who kept in touch with his exMW I'm sure you wouldn't really like that much.. If I was in his shoes, it would make me wonder why the contact is there still and be a bit worried too.

 

You say he contacts you first? or is it mutual reach out contact? That makes a difference.

[Thunderbolt]

WWIU -- I agree with everything you said above. I would not be happy if the situation were reversed. This should be enough for me to cut all ties. Lately (within the last 6 months +), I've felt fine sustaining a more friendly relationship with xMM, but like you said, there's really no reason to do so. Especially if it means risking what I have with my bf.

 

I'd say that the contact between xMM and myself is mutual. We more or less take turns responding to the previous message. The frequency has gone way down and I've maybe responded to him once since I've been with my new bf. I know I need to cut this out. It's been several weeks since he emailed me last and I have not responded. Might be as good a time as any to cut the strings.

[MissBee]

Thunderbolt...I'm curious, how long have you guys been together? You says he is your new boyfriend, how new?

 

I ask because it almost seems as if he is someone you have just began to date and you still don't know each other well. I guess for me, I don't really call someone my boyfriend or agree to a committed relationship until after I've known them for a while. By then, they'd know quite a lot about me and me them to even make that decision, so I'm less scared about telling them stuff because we used the dating period as that discovery phase before we decided on being a real couple. But how you're talking about being so scared he will leave or it being too soon, I'm starting to wonder if he is a man you've been with now for months or just weeks or what?

 

I also ask because if you've known him such a short time and you're asking us how we think he will react etc...then you may want to take some time to know him more. If he is your boyfriend, you should have a pretty good handle on him and how you think he will respond to things, you shouldn't completely not know and be scared to say things because you have no idea how he will think/feel about them. Based on what you know of him, how do YOU think he will respond?

[spice4life]

Oy, quite a dilemma. What kind of guy is your new bf? How has he responded to you telling him about the others you've dated? Some guys can't handle hearing about a woman's past because they end up comparing themselves the other men in your life and it ends up eating them up inside. I would tread very lightly when talking about your past with him. He may appear "okay" with it when in reality he is not. I say this because I've BTDT and it is NOT something I will ever do again. I learned a HUGE lesson.

 

So I have to disagree with the other posters when they say to tell him. Honestly, I wouldn't if I were you. Men think differently than women and just because a woman thinks it's logical to tell, a man feels differently. Your past is your past and the appropriate answer when he asks about it is, "that is the past and the only thing that matters to me is the here and now"...or something like that.

 

If the affair is bothering your conscience then make an appointment with a therapist and deal with it there.

Edited May 18, 2012 by spice4life

[spice4life]

And one more thing. If your xMM tries to hold it over your head in any way, make it clear to him (xMM) that you will use whatever means possible to protect yourself. If he is not that kind of guy then don't worry, but if he is, let him know you will not tolerate it.

[alexandria35]

I agree pretty much with everyone else. You should probably tell him when you get an opening to do so but I'm wondering how you will present it. I think if you put it in a way that sounds as though you feel it was wrong but you have learned and moved on it should be okay.

 

In my twenties I had a boyfried for a little while whose last gf had been a married woman. She left her husband for him but then she went kind of nuts and went back and forth between him and her husband and a couple of other guys too. Eventually she ditched him and he didn't know if she had ended up going back to her husband or not. Now I think if this guy had just told me he had an affair with a MW but he learned from it and was over it, it would have been fine. Instead, everytime he talked about it, he whined. Bitched about how innocent he was and whined about being a victim. According to him she was a cheating bitch and her husband was an ass (his only dirt on the husband was that he thinks he saw her husband smirking at him one time) and he was the sweet good hearted man who did nothing but love her. Blah! That was really really unattractive and it made me grit my teeth. I broke up with him in under a year.

 

So if you tell him, keep it light and don't do it in a 'woe is me' kind of way. If you can put a positive spin on it by saying it was a true learning experience that led to personal growth and a deeper sense of self (only say this if it's truthful) then do that.

[whichwayisup]

I've felt fine sustaining a more friendly relationship with xMM

On some level it's still feeding some feelings.. Like an old security blanket or stuffed animal..A habit to keep him in your life, no real purpose anymore.

Please think about ending it with him. No big song and dance, just honest - That he needs to focus on his wife and marriage, and you need to totally let go and move on with your life without him in it. Wish him well and say goodbye.

 

So if you tell him, keep it light and don't do it in a 'woe is me' kind of way. If you can put a positive spin on it by saying it was a true learning experience that led to personal growth and a deeper sense of self (only say this if it's truthful) then do that.

 

Totally agree with this. Do be positive about it and light, this way he won't feel threatened or feel you're not worthy of his trust. Which is a big reason to rid of exMM.. He WILL ask if you two are friends or if you still see or talk to him.. Your answer to him will be important..

[Emme]

No.

 

Your affair doesn't define you. Plus I don't see a time table for this relationship. There is a time for things to be known. Don't rush into love so quick take your time.

 

End contact with MM. If it's over let it be over or you're just setting yourself up for failure.

[Thunderbolt]

You have all given me so much to think about. Before I went to bed last night, I thought I had my mind made up. I guess that's why we're told to "sleep on it" before making a decision. I feel like I should tell my bf about my past but I'm now having doubts. Should I just let "sleeping dogs lie?"

 

A couple of you have asked how long I've been in this relationship. We met online and communicated for a little less than a month before meeting. We've been together (in person) for about 2 months. So, in total -- about 3 months. There has been some speculation as to whether this constitutes a "boyfriend" status. Maybe not for all, but we've had the discussion and we've agreed to be monogamous and no longer date others. Therefore, I've recently decided to call him my boyfriend.

 

Without a doubt, you've all conveyed to me that I need to cut ALL ties with xMM. Totally agree and plan to do so -- perfect opportunity to do so. I haven't felt this way about anyone since xMM and believe that this is what I've needed to get over the hump and cut the final threads connecting me to xMM.

 

I'm appreciating all the view points and opinions. I kind of wish the advice was more pro or con. Most of you believe I should tell, but a few of you make a pretty good case for keeping it my own dirty secret. I was pretty sure last night that the right choice was to tell my bf about my past. But, having heard some confessions gone bad, I'm reconsidering. Perhaps I need to deal with my own skeletons in the closet and not make it my bf's problem. I honestly don't know how I'd respond if the shoe were on the other foot. I'd like to believe that I'd appreciate the honesty and be able to move on as a stronger couple. But, I might perhaps worry about my partner's judgement and future actions. Just being honest.

 

I need to figure this out sooner than later -- as the longer I wait, the more suspect I will appear.

 

Thanks again all...