Starting to feel a bit better

[Stoneman70]

The last two weeks were torture for me. This week, when I thought of S, I smiled for the love we had, but felt glad the pain (of living in the same city knowing she was with her husband and not with me) was subsiding a bit. I felt very sad a few hours ago--had a dream of S...but am feeling hopeful. I am never looking at this relationship as bad..ever..just the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

I hope S is happy and I want her to have a long life with her husband. I want the same for myself. I will love her always, and hope the next few weeks become even more bearable. Memories are all we have now. I want to move to the future and make my marriage better. My wife is my number one priority now.

 

Feeling positive at this moment....

[Emme]

That's great. Stay positive and upbeat. There might be times when the pain might come back and it's ok. It's a part of the process. Just continue to think this is what's best for all involved. Stay strong.

[East7]

The last two weeks were torture for me. This week, when I thought of S, I smiled for the love we had, but felt glad the pain (of living in the same city knowing she was with her husband and not with me) was subsiding a bit. I felt very sad a few hours ago--had a dream of S...but am feeling hopeful. I am never looking at this relationship as bad..ever..just the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

I hope S is happy and I want her to have a long life with her husband. I want the same for myself. I will love her always, and hope the next few weeks become even more bearable. Memories are all we have now. I want to move to the future and make my marriage better. My wife is my number one priority now.

 

Feeling positive at this moment....

 

That's great Stoneman.

 

Feeling positive is important to move on but just know it is not over ! You are just starting the roller-coaster ride...I don't mean to discourage you but you need to be strong to face the pain.

 

S is right where she wanted to stay. You will realize this one day. She may as well love you but her love for you was only an escape, she never planned to be with you.

 

As my bottom signature says : She doesn't want you (in her life), she only wanted you to desire her..

 

Oh and I think it is possible that we are from the same country, that's why I wanted to send you a private message, but you need to wait 1 month membership or else pay for that. No problem.....Hang in there

Edited May 18, 2012 by East7

[frozensprouts]

glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better...

 

someone once said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and they are right. just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you'll end up where you want to be. Remember though, that it's okay to fall...as long as you get up, dust yourself off and keep going:)

[Bellechica]

That's great Stone. Yes, now you can focus on the positives in your M and on reconnecting with your W!

Try not to romantasize S too much. Think of the pain more than the pleasure with her.

Focus on the pleasure with your W and your life now!

Stay positive!

[justsomebody]

Glad to hear that you feel a bit more positive and have a sense of direction for the future.

 

Do you still plan to give S some kind of closure, out of decency? Or for personal growth, not to avoid conflict?

[Stoneman70]

Thank you everyone! I know it will still take some time to heal. It has been 3 weeks now since we last had contact...its been hard, but as I said, getting better each day.

East--yes message me when you are able to so we can talk

I don't plan to contact her...no...here is why: with how painful this has been, I've realized anymore contact will make this so much harder. She knows I'm here, she knows we shouldn't talk (she said that to me a week before I left too but it didn't stick)...the thing is...her and I...we cant talk and have each others contact because it will never end. It won't. I knew that...that's why I left. So, I must look ahead at this point.

[U472439]

hey good luck w/NC Stoneman. I think I have been NC about 2-3 months now w/my xMW, and it definitely gets easier. Now, I'm actually seeing other people, and with each passing day what was hard to leave, what seemed like something I'd always look back on fondly (despite the ever-present angst), now seems kind of, well, stupid. It was a doomed relationship, always was.

 

Sometimes I think about what I'd do now if I saw her, and the first thing that always hits me is that I'd ask how her marriage was doing, how she was doing, if she'd figured anything out. I guess I do still care for her, but it's more in a "I really hope she gets her life sorted out, because the worst possible thing that could happen is that she just keeps avoiding dealing w/it."

 

You can always remember the good parts, maybe even laugh to yourself inside about how crazy it was. But imo affairs are in no way "healthy".

[chalkfarm]

I've read some of your posts Stoneman and I'm amazed that a person who sounded so wretched after leaving his "love" can feel so much better in a mere month. Or as with U472439, in a couple of months.

 

I'm glad for you but I don't get it. Is it just men that put these affairs behind them in such a speedy fashion?

 

I wonder about the true depth of feeling. The words vs. the emotions.

[chalkfarm]

I reread the post. The timeline is actually 3 weeks. Not a month.

[Stoneman70]

I am only feeling a bit better, not much. A bit is that every thought is not of her. So...its still very hard. I dont think what we had was stupid...I think wring timing. I don't have regrets..I don't want to live that way. S came into my life for a reason. I'm feeling a bit better because I'm working through what happened...what it meant. I'm not over her. i still love her. It's just each day its a bit easier is what I meant. I have to force myself to get netter.

[Stoneman70]

I'm good at hiding my feelings...unless I feel vulnerable. No one around me knows how I feel about this. I don't think its any easier for us men. I just don't show it around other people. Maybe forcing myself to be happy is helping me.

[U472439]

chalkfarm -- dunno. In my case, there was never really moment during the A when I was totally okay with what was going on. I tried to end it a few times, but it never stuck. Had her H not found out, I wonder if we'd still be seeing each other. Probably so. Still unhappy, still using that hour a week or whatever as a band-aid to keep us from going after something that would really make us happy.

 

For me, the first couple of weeks were the most intense, but I think I always knew what the "right" thing to do was. I just couldn't/wouldn't do it. I still think I was in love with this person, but it was not a true, whole love. Half of it was self-delusion, which isn't very far from self-hatred. So yeah, I've taken the last few weeks as an opportunity to walk back out into the world with my eyes, heart and mind available to things that might be really meaningful, give me real happiness, peace.

[whichwayisup]

The last two weeks were torture for me. This week, when I thought of S, I smiled for the love we had, but felt glad the pain (of living in the same city knowing she was with her husband and not with me) was subsiding a bit. I felt very sad a few hours ago--had a dream of S...but am feeling hopeful. I am never looking at this relationship as bad..ever..just the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

I hope S is happy and I want her to have a long life with her husband. I want the same for myself. I will love her always, and hope the next few weeks become even more bearable. Memories are all we have now. I want to move to the future and make my marriage better. My wife is my number one priority now.

 

Feeling positive at this moment....

 

Work with this and soon you'll have more positive days and less pain. Grieve when you need to grieve, cry when you need to cry..Just know that once you accept things as they are, forgive yourself for your past mistakes and how this whole thing was handled, a weight will be lifted from your shoulders. You're not perfect, nobody is! So look at this as a painful mistake that you'll never do again.

 

Focus on the good in your life and reconnect with your wife. She does love you and deserves your full attention. Work with her to make your marriage full of love and happiness. Look forwards, not backwards.

[Stoneman70]

U4---I agree with you somewhat. I always felt like S and I should end it. It'll get harder as time goes on , we both would say...but we could never really end it. She would say we shpuldnt talk, I said it..but one of us would come back. It was so hard. I left the country because of this. I had other reasons for leaving, yes, but it played a huge role. I didn't mean before that S was moving to Asia this summer...I think back and realize i started thinking about moving when she said that too...I knew then we would never fully be together...it was irrelevant though I guess because it was too hard to stay there anyway. I did what I thought was best...left..to allow both of our marriages a chance.

[Stoneman70]

I just talked to my cousin who still lives in the U.S.....he told me S called him trying to find out about me. He told her what city I was living in..what I was doing. Im glad he did, but told me he didn't give out my number unless I said it was okay. He also said S told him about how serious we were...im a little shocked since its so private, but I guess she was just trying to let him know how much she cared. He says to me "I've never seen you like that, that much in love".....so now I'm having a hard time, thinking of S, yet strong in not contacting her. He said he was glad she called him.

[frozensprouts]

stoneman,

 

after reading your last post, i was thinking that , if i were you, i'd seriously consider ending my marriage.

I'm not sure how marriage is viewed in your culture, but do you feel that it's fair to remain married to your wife, given how you feel? It doesn't sound like you are staying married with her because you lov her, but out of obligation and duty.

as a betrayed spouse, i can tell you that it would have broken my heart if my husband had stayed with me because he felt he had to, not because he wanted to.

I feel really bad for your wife here. Your brother, now your cousin know what happened and that you don't really want to be with her. If i were in her position, i'd be mortified and so very sad.

by staying with her ( especially if she doesn't know what happened) then you are forcing her to be in a situation where she's looked at with pity or disdain or as the one who kept you from what you really want. You are keeping her from being able to be with someone who really and truly loves only her, not someone else, and that is so very sad, bordering on cruel.

You're not a bad guy, and I am very glad that you are starting to feel better. It is the fact that you seem like a nice guy who wants to do the right thing that makes me ask you to really think about what the "right thing" really is.. is it staying with your wife, even though you don't love her and don't really want to, or is it telling her thr truth and allowing her to decide what she wants to do with her life?.

only you have the answer to this, but if you want to stay with your wife for the wrong reasons (both for her and you) the perhaps it's time to think about what your next steps will be...but do it soon, before your wife finds out in some other way than from you what has happened...

[Stoneman70]

I see what you are saying...I do love my wife, but we haven't lived together consecutively for many years--since we got married.She doesn't live with me now either...we are waiting to see if she can get a visa to come here to western europe where i live now. Its harder than it seems to just end the marriage. i want to live with her first to see if we can rekindle our romance in person. My brother and cousin know about S because they met her...I wanted her to meet them. I liked introducing her to my family, but they just assumed it was just sex or nothing serious...i didnt explain the details. my cousin didn't know it was love..he told me he's never seen me like that so I realize that sounds like I should divorce right away....but I can't be with S as I've said here...so I must try with my wife and if it doesn't work, we will have to see what to do.

[East7]

I see what you are saying...I do love my wife, but we haven't lived together consecutively for many years--since we got married.

 

So in a couple of days you changed opinion from "It was an arranged marriage - I don't really love my wife" to "I do love my wife".

 

Well, good for you.

 

What makes me react is that all the married people, when the A ends, suddenly love their BS. It always makes me chuckle..where was this great love when you were in bed with MW ?

 

Personally I wouldn't be emotionally able to keep a double life if I really loved my S-O.

[Stoneman70]

To be completely honest, ive always loved my wife, but with S it is different. My marriage wasn't a great love story. It was arranged, but we knew each other..so implied we would end up marrying. My culture sees a wife as the woman who stays home, has the kids, cooks...so marriage isn't always about finding your one true love, but finding a good woman to be your wife. I lover her, yes, but I struggle because I never felt that way with my wife as I did with S or with any other woman. I want to try to create it...create more of that magical feeling. My cousin is right in that I've never been that way in love with anyone else. I realize many would say that. how can you love someome else truly if married. I think sometimes you love people in different way. Sometimes the one you love the most is not who you are meant to be with. That's the harsh reality of life, I guess. I'm going to try my best to make my marriage work. That's all I can do at this point. My relationship with S was not all sex either...maybe for some that's all it is, but I fell in love with her. It just wasnt meant to be

[East7]

To be completely honest, ive always loved my wife, but with S it is different. My marriage wasn't a great love story. It was arranged, but we knew each other..so implied we would end up marrying. My culture sees a wife as the woman who stays home, has the kids, cooks...so marriage isn't always about finding your one true love, but finding a good woman to be your wife. I lover her, yes, but I struggle because I never felt that way with my wife as I did with S or with any other woman. I want to try to create it...create more of that magical feeling. My cousin is right in that I've never been that way in love with anyone else. I realize many would say that. how can you love someome else truly if married. I think sometimes you love people in different way. Sometimes the one you love the most is not who you are meant to be with. That's the harsh reality of life, I guess. I'm going to try my best to make my marriage work. That's all I can do at this point. My relationship with S was not all sex either...maybe for some that's all it is, but I fell in love with her. It just wasnt meant to be

 

Ok..I do understand. Sometimes people marry someone who is a good fit not necessarily a crazy passionate Love. That makes sense in my eyes and even more in my culture.

 

My xMW always used to say "Love is not enough", and I was always mad to hear it from her mouth. But she wasn't wrong.

 

One thing the A tought me, is that a quiet, loving and stable relationship is better in the long run than a crazy passionate short relationship. The crazy in-love feelings eventually slow down, while strong-foundation relationships last and survive longer. That said, "arranged / right-thing relationships" are the more exposed to the affairs due to the lack of emotional depth. But well...we can't have it all

[Stoneman70]

Yes, I agree East. We have a similar understanding. Sometimes your wife isn't your one true love. Maybe that's why in trying to make my marriage work. I wish love were enough, but I can't just say ok I don't love my wife like S so I must divorce her. I have to try to make it work. S was so much...if not everything i wanted in a woman, but the traditional wife I've been raised to expect...she is not. My parents expect me to make it work. I want to try. Ill always have the great memories too. I'll always smile knowing I had a great love. Maybe that's enough...