Dealing with difficulties: seeking input from OW /OM

[VioletFemme]

So....

 

I'm stated a week or so ago that "it's an affair and I'm okay with it." This is still true, but....

 

Being okay with it, accepting the relationship I have, with it's limitations, being willing to find and enjoy the happiness that it brings...doesn't make the tough stuff go away.

 

I don't get enough time with him. There are many reasons we don't see each other enough (enough for me that is.) I work a lot; he works a lot. Then, when he's not working, he's spending time with his kids. None of this is just because its an affair or a limited relationship; we'd have the same limited amount of time even if he were single.

 

Knowing that still doesn't make it easier.

 

Then, there's the feeling of being left out. There are parts of his life that I can't touch--his family, his friends, etc. Due to him not knowing yet what he will do about his marriage, I am obviously not a part of his social circle, nor do I spend time with him when the kids are with him. It's a new situation for me; being in a relationship where parts of my lover's life are not open to me. I don't necessarily want to hang out with the kids---that would cross a line, in my opinion--but it is still bothersome that there are whole sections of his life where I have no place.

 

Do others have this experience too? What other difficulties have you dealt with? And...how do you deal with it?

[Emme]

I don't know your background but I have a few questions.

 

Are you married? (If you're not, you have additional free time, he does not)

 

Do you incorporate him into your life? (What events do you partake in, in the public eye)

 

Has he met your friends and socialized with them as your man? (a introduction as your partner)

 

Has he met your parents? (Has he been over for dinner)

 

The reason why I'm asking is because I want you to acknowledge that if any of those question result in a no... It's not just him that's responsible for the difficulties that you are having. It goes both ways.

[chelsea2011]

Yes, I've been there and your post is pretty much my story word for word with some exceptions. What you're experiencing is the emotional roller coaster that is part and parcel to an affair. The dynamic won't change because he has set up all of the rules and there isn't anything you can really do except accept the terms. Honestly, it's your choice whether or not you want to deal with it.

 

If you want to learn how to cope with the dynamics so you can stay in it, maybe trinity and a few of the other OW's here may be able to help.

 

Here is my take though. Personally, I think you are focusing on the wrong things. You are focusing on his "situation" instead of focusing on whether or not this is his personality in general. It may be that he is incapable of being emotionally available to any woman period. Maybe it is just the way he is and the story he is telling you is a tactic to keep you at a distance. It's something to think about before you get involved deeper.

 

I made the choice to not deal with it because I want a full time partner that I can enjoy life with. Someone I can be with out in the open. It sucks being forced to hide in the shadows waiting and hoping for a few bread crumbs. And this is coming from someone who was in an affair for a looong time, so I know exactly what you are going through. It probably won't change with him (your MM) because it sounds like he is consciously keeping you at an emotonal distance. That is EXACTLY what happened to me and it never changed.

 

It's your choice though. Decide what it is that YOU want. You do have a choice here. He is presenting you with an option and telling you he is inflexible, so you can choose to stay or tell him no thanks. Up to you.

[VioletFemme]

I don't know your background but I have a few questions.

 

Are you married? (If you're not, you have additional free time, he does not) I am not married, no children.

 

Do you incorporate him into your life? (What events do you partake in, in the public eye) We don't often go "out" but have had dinner out, I'm kind of a home body by nature in most relationships not just this one.

 

Has he met your friends and socialized with them as your man? (a introduction as your partner) Yes; my roommate, my best friend, several other friends. He's hung out with me and friends at my place, drinking, playing cards, etc.

 

Has he met your parents? (Has he been over for dinner) No; my parents live in another state. I don't "take a guy home" due to those logistics until it's really, REALLY serious.

 

The reason why I'm asking is because I want you to acknowledge that if any of those question result in a no... It's not just him that's responsible for the difficulties that you are having. It goes both ways.

 

As you see, my life is more accessible to him than his is to me.

[Summer Breeze]

When the turning point from friendship to A happened I sat and thought about everything. I knew that he would have built in boundaries. I listed them in my head and I mulled them all over. I set up my own boundaries. I could see the potential of losing myself while I waited. So I told him what my boundaries were and gave him the option to continue or walk away. There were times he really pushed them. He appeared to be more reckless the more I pushed back.

 

At some point I recognized I needed more. I knew he wasn't going to supply the 'more' so I made the tough decision. I told him what I wanted and gave him the choice as to what to do. He hesitated a moment and I left. I have never lost myself in any relationship and an A is no different.

 

Live your life. If you don't want to date then don't. Don't tell him everything you're doing. Don't lie but keep parts of your life to yourself. This isn't for any game, it's just the way it is. He has his life and you have yours. The power is completely out of balance in your R. He has it all and you run to him whenever he can make it. Take back your power. When you date someone who you're not exclusive to do you tell them every little detail of your life? No. MM wants to know every step you make because he's gauging what you're doing. Some mystery doesn't hurt. If he gives you a hard time tell him that once his life is an open book to you then yours will be to him.

 

Live your life. Take back your power. Even if you do it one little step at a time, do it. This isn't to get at him or do some sort of Jedi mind trick on him. It's about you balancing the power back so you have as much as he does.

 

I hope that helps a little.

[2sunny]

Just know you can't call him on a whim or at his home. And no calls on weekends generally.

 

And when you are sick or really need his support - he won't help- he has a family to tend to.

 

You will be seen on his terms - when it's convenient for him, not you.

 

You deserve better.

 

Never settle!

[mercy]

 

Never settle!

 

I have lived a beautiful life because of my belief in those two little powerfully wonderful words.

 

Such a wise lass you are 2sunny!

[whichwayisup]

Then, there's the feeling of being left out. There are parts of his life that I can't touch--his family, his friends, etc. Due to him not knowing yet what he will do about his marriage, I am obviously not a part of his social circle, nor do I spend time with him when the kids are with him. It's a new situation for me; being in a relationship where parts of my lover's life are not open to me. I don't necessarily want to hang out with the kids---that would cross a line, in my opinion--but it is still bothersome that there are whole sections of his life where I have no place.

 

If he was single and this was still a FWB situation, would you accept it? The rules would be discussed, no meeting friends, kids, family or being in and involved eachothers daily lives. Just fun time together, and being friendly while hanging out. THIS is how you have to look at things for at least a year if you plan on staying with him. If you can't do that, then end it now.

 

Your heart wants it all..Deep down you want everything that a real relationship brings along..but you can't because of how things are.

 

Hate to say it, but the problem is with you now. somehow you need to figure out a way to make peace with how things are and will be for a long time. Focus on your own life, your friends, your family. Don't 'be there' for him at his every beck and call. Don't involve him in your daily life (meeting friends, or family)..

 

I hope it works out but the way you feel now will only magnify and your heart will be in this deeper as time goes along. Not easy to love someone you can't truly have.

[SoMovinOn]

It's the same as any R, or any other choices you make. Reality presents itself and, if you don't like it, you have the choice to change it, if you can, or accept it if you cannot change it. There really is no other fix.

[Emme]

As you see, my life is more accessible to him than his is to me.

 

No I don't see that. I see his life is more demanding. I want you to look at it from another perspective because you're still looking at this relationship through your eyes alone. When you're in an affair you can't do that. This is not a relationship that's all about you. You are woman who's with someone else's man. You are not a priority. You can't play the role of girlfriend when he has a wife. You are in a relationship with a part-time lover. You can't pull him off the self when you want. In an affair you have to be selfless not selfish.

 

 

I am not married, no children. We need to find you a hobby. You need to find something that will not allow so much free time. Free time makes you think about him more than needs be. You need your own distraction.

 

We don't often go "out" but have had dinner out, I'm kind of a home body by nature in most relationships not just this one. You might need to change from being a home body to being more social. Doing things that you'll have to fill the void of him not being around. Making memories might help you cope when he isn't present. This is what you sign up for with an affair you make every minute count. He's not going to come home to you for dinner every night. An affair is fantasy, not reality.

 

Yes; my roommate, my best friend, several other friends. He's hung out with me and friends at my place, drinking, playing cards, etc.

Most affairs are hidden because they are wrong. Deep down you know it's wrong and being in public compromises both lives. Yes your life as well. At your place says to me he is your little secret as well. Don't just place blame on his shoulders. The two of you are in this together.

 

I don't "take a guy home" due to those logistics until it's really, REALLY serious. Of course he's serious. You made a post about him. You feel you have no place in his life. If you didn't care about him at all you wouldn't be here. You are invested in this man. In any other relationship when you become invested you let everyone know. Even via email/phone... pick one. You are hiding this man. Just as he's hiding you. It goes both ways.

 

 

You are looking to be acknowledge as someone important in his life. I want you to know that might never happen. You have to come to terms with it possibly never happening. If you can't emotionally get your feelings under control about feeling devalued then an affair is not for you. I'm using certain words to help change your pattern of thinking. This relationship is not about you. It's about him. He's the one that's married. Your old way of thinking is null and void if you are in an affair.

[VioletFemme]

I didn't receive many replies that were what I was looking for--people dealing with difficulties in their current relationships with an otherwise-committed person. Not too many people wanting to share how they deal with that day to day...or maybe not that many people dealing with it on the level I am.

 

But...I did find something. hockeyfan, your answer...made me think.

 

And so now I'm thinking. Why did he take the time to woo me--if he then wouldn't have time to follow through? WTH is that?

 

And why am I like something in a box on a shelf? Why am I accepting that?

 

I'm going off topic in my own thread, oops, but I wanted to close this by acknowledging the replies I received and give an update on where I am.

 

I am...thinking. Thinking and thinking and thinking. We'll see where that gets me.

[MissBee]

I didn't receive many replies that were what I was looking for--people dealing with difficulties in their current relationships with an otherwise-committed person. Not too many people wanting to share how they deal with that day to day...or maybe not that many people dealing with it on the level I am.

 

But...I did find something. hockeyfan, your answer...made me think.

 

And so now I'm thinking. Why did he take the time to woo me--if he then wouldn't have time to follow through? WTH is that?

 

And why am I like something in a box on a shelf? Why am I accepting that?

 

I'm going off topic in my own thread, oops, but I wanted to close this by acknowledging the replies I received and give an update on where I am.

 

I am...thinking. Thinking and thinking and thinking. We'll see where that gets me.

 

You should really google the site Baggage Reclaim....when i started asking those questions, I found that site and it is amazing. So many articles that address these questions and illuminate the operation behind why a man will chase you and not follow through, spend time with you but not have any interest in ever making you legitimate, have an affair, why you accept it, how you talk yourself into etc. I recommend it to everyone, and lots of women on LS have visited too and found it useful in terms of understanding themselves and their actions and also the relationships they find themselves in. Hopefully you check that out and it starts a process of more clarity

[chelsea2011]

I didn't receive many replies that were what I was looking for--people dealing with difficulties in their current relationships with an otherwise-committed person. Not too many people wanting to share how they deal with that day to day...or maybe not that many people dealing with it on the level I am.

 

But...I did find something. hockeyfan, your answer...made me think.

 

And so now I'm thinking. Why did he take the time to woo me--if he then wouldn't have time to follow through? WTH is that?

 

And why am I like something in a box on a shelf? Why am I accepting that?

 

I'm going off topic in my own thread, oops, but I wanted to close this by acknowledging the replies I received and give an update on where I am.

 

I am...thinking. Thinking and thinking and thinking. We'll see where that gets me.

 

It's good that you are thinking. Make sure you are focusing those thoughts on him and his personality as opposed to his "situation." The "situation" is his cover. Start looking to see if he is capable of giving you what you want and need regardless of his circumstances. That is where you find the answers.

[Emme]

I am...thinking. Thinking and thinking and thinking. We'll see where that gets me.

 

Perfect. Remember that this relationship is going to be different and in that comes with changing the way you normally think. This relationship will require self sacrifice. You might not like having to do this but in the end you do it because care for the other person. Good luck hun.

[RickFox]

You want to know how to deal with it?

 

You just deal with it, you have no other choice, accept that you are on the side and you get the leftovers. You won't be fine but at least you'll accept where you stand in the grand scheme of things....maybe.

[may2012]

VioletFemme, I too am dealing with the very same issue and not sure how to deal with it...

[whichwayisup]

And so now I'm thinking. Why did he take the time to woo me--if he then wouldn't have time to follow through? WTH is that?

Because he wasn't thinking this through. If at all, he was just thinking of himself and how much fun he'd have with you. He didn't think about what if she falls for me, how he isn't able to commit to you on all levels or be there for you like a real boyfriend should be. This thinking of his isn't malicious, I don't believe he is messing around or playing a game with you, he's just being selfish.

And why am I like something in a box on a shelf? Why am I accepting that?

Because you're allowing your emotions and heart take over.

 

I'm going off topic in my own thread, oops, but I wanted to close this by acknowledging the replies I received and give an update on where I am.

 

I am...thinking. Thinking and thinking and thinking. We'll see where that gets me.

 

Slow things down.. Detach. Don't rely on him, don't always be there waiting when he shows up on his time frame. He has other priorities and will make time for you when he has the time. IF you can accept this and keep it casual, then just enjoy the time you two do spend together but exclude him from your 'personal' life. No hanging out with him while your friends are around. Don't rely on him for emotional support either.. Keep busy and don't put him first in your life.

[2sunny]

Take some of your power back. Start doing things opposite.

 

Date other men - available men.

 

Get busy living! So busy that you need to tell him no when he tries to squeeze you in to his busy schedule.

 

Be as busy with new men as he is with his wife and family - his priority.

 

And remind him YOU ARE single. You can do as you please!

 

Go have lots of fun!

[Got it]

Each relationship is different so the dynamics are up for debate. I understand that there are areas that you will not be able to fully intertwine and there are some hard truths to accept but outside of that, time, communication, etc can be debated and discussed.

 

It is up to you and him to work out the dynamics and, like any relationship, is what he has to offer sufficent for you. I do agree that you have to make sure your life is full as well. Ask for what you want but honor yourself and your needs.

 

All relationships take compromises, just know when you are crossing the line into compromising more than you can. And try and look at the positives as well and is does the good outweigh the bad?

 

Yes there were some hard truths for me to accept but within the affair I got so much of what I wanted and needed.

[VioletFemme]

So I spent a great deal of time thinking yesterday. Here are some of my realizations.

 

I love him. He has also said that he loves me. But...I begin to wonder: if you love someone, don't you want for them to be happy? I do want for him to be happy; I'm just not sure that goes both ways.

 

As for being "friends with benefits" I was thinking for a while that the reason we were...or I was...struggling was becuase my expectations were too high. As in, I want more, more like a relationship, and he wants less. But yesterday I realized: essentially we want the same things. Friendship, companionship, sometimes sex, support from the other person. We WANT the same things. The problem is--I'm the only one truly available to give these things. I have always been available when he has called or stopped by; the reverse is not true. More than one time he has NOT been available for me when I wanted him. This is the disconnect: wanting the same things, but I'm the only one following through on those expectations.

 

That's not fair. I know that sounds a bit petulant, but--it really isn't fair. Or balanced.

 

And I never did stop having a life for this man. I do still go out with friends, engage in my hobbies, and I do still date.

 

I just have to let him go. I'm NOT getting what I want. I do love him--more fool me--but love is neither fatal nor incurable.

 

Speaking of dating, I had a dating dilemma last night. Think I'll wander over to the dating forum for some input.

 

Thanks again for all the input, folks. I still don't have it figured out--especially my next move regarding him--but I'm getting there.

[MissBee]

So I spent a great deal of time thinking yesterday. Here are some of my realizations.

 

I love him. He has also said that he loves me. But...I begin to wonder: if you love someone, don't you want for them to be happy? I do want for him to be happy; I'm just not sure that goes both ways.

 

As for being "friends with benefits" I was thinking for a while that the reason we were...or I was...struggling was becuase my expectations were too high. As in, I want more, more like a relationship, and he wants less. But yesterday I realized: essentially we want the same things. Friendship, companionship, sometimes sex, support from the other person. We WANT the same things. The problem is--I'm the only one truly available to give these things. I have always been available when he has called or stopped by; the reverse is not true. More than one time he has NOT been available for me when I wanted him. This is the disconnect: wanting the same things, but I'm the only one following through on those expectations.

 

That's not fair. I know that sounds a bit petulant, but--it really isn't fair. Or balanced.

 

And I never did stop having a life for this man. I do still go out with friends, engage in my hobbies, and I do still date.

 

I just have to let him go. I'm NOT getting what I want. I do love him--more fool me--but love is neither fatal nor incurable.

 

Speaking of dating, I had a dating dilemma last night. Think I'll wander over to the dating forum for some input.

 

Thanks again for all the input, folks. I still don't have it figured out--especially my next move regarding him--but I'm getting there.

 

I'm glad you're thinking Violet. I felt like the last time you went from worst relationship ever to you're okay with it and it's great, was just a dramatic swing on the rollercoaster, and now you're back to not highlighting it as the best thing ever. This is good though, as usually this process of back and forth about your situation allows you to genuinely work out the truth for yourself.

I think it is a natural thing that when we're involved with someone we expect that they want what we want. This goes both ways. If someone is looking for casual, they will often just assume the other person is too and will pretty much blind themselves to the person asking for more and make themselves feel better about continuing, even with opposite goals, by simply latching on to what seems like the person wants casual and ignoring contrary evidence. The opposite is also true, sometimes when someone is looking for something serious, they will latch on to any "evidence" that this other person wants that too or they believe even if they say they don't, they can change their mind etc. Sometimes when the person doesn't want what we want, one person, usually the one that wants the situation more, will lessen their expectations and convince themselves that they want what the other person wants....when this is not mutual. They simply realize this other person won't bend, so to have them, they have to be the one to do the bending and to say "Well I actually want this too".

 

I think we all have to go into relationships with our eyes WIDE open and really listen to what people have to say, who they are, and what they say they want and not dilute it or make it into what we want. I think you're going through that process now of moving away from what you may want and perhaps what you have superimposed upon him and are seeing him separate from you and his real actions, feelings, desires etc.

Edited May 20, 2012 by MissBee

[Got it]

So I spent a great deal of time thinking yesterday. Here are some of my realizations.

 

I love him. He has also said that he loves me. But...I begin to wonder: if you love someone, don't you want for them to be happy? I do want for him to be happy; I'm just not sure that goes both ways.

 

As for being "friends with benefits" I was thinking for a while that the reason we were...or I was...struggling was becuase my expectations were too high. As in, I want more, more like a relationship, and he wants less. But yesterday I realized: essentially we want the same things. Friendship, companionship, sometimes sex, support from the other person. We WANT the same things. The problem is--I'm the only one truly available to give these things. I have always been available when he has called or stopped by; the reverse is not true. More than one time he has NOT been available for me when I wanted him. This is the disconnect: wanting the same things, but I'm the only one following through on those expectations.

 

That's not fair. I know that sounds a bit petulant, but--it really isn't fair. Or balanced.

 

And I never did stop having a life for this man. I do still go out with friends, engage in my hobbies, and I do still date.

 

I just have to let him go. I'm NOT getting what I want. I do love him--more fool me--but love is neither fatal nor incurable.

 

Speaking of dating, I had a dating dilemma last night. Think I'll wander over to the dating forum for some input.

 

Thanks again for all the input, folks. I still don't have it figured out--especially my next move regarding him--but I'm getting there.

 

VF - I am glad you are figuring out what you want. Yes sometimes love isn't enough. You have to be your own best advocate and make sure you are standing up for your needs and boundaries and getting what you want. You have to be there for yourself first and foremost. ((((VF))))

[2sunny]

When all is said and done - if YOU'RE not looking out for your BEST interest - who is going to?

 

You deserve a man who is available! And that means at ANY time!

 

If you're sick or in the hospital - you don't want to hesitate asking for love and support because he's married and you can't call him.

 

You don't want your man in the hospital and you can't visit because that's his wife's place and she's probably there with him.

 

YOU want a man who makes YOU his wife. He's already got one of those - and it takes a ton of crappy stuff to get divorced.

 

Be patient enough to find a man who makes YOU his ONLY PRIORITY. You deserve that!

 

He will come along. Take classes, learn new skills - like music or painting... Go dancing! You'll meet some men who like to do some things you like to do too. Do you have a junior college close to you? Even one class that gets you there once a week will help you meet loads of new people. Socialize there a bit too.

 

Be open to NEW experiences that help you move forward.

 

Hugs and stay strong!