Do separations work??

[Stampede]

New to this forum and would like some opinions.............

 

Been married for 20 years, with children, and the wife and I are having some bumps. Not divorce serious, but serious enough that she asked me to leave for a little while. I am working on week two or a mutually agreed upon 4 week separation time.

 

Right now, in my current state of mind, I am not sure that 4 weeks will be enough for me. There has been SEVERE trust issues on both sides and IF I go back at the end of four weeks, don't know that I will trust her any more than I do now.

 

Neither one of us wants to split permanently, but I know that things will never be the same. Or will they get better in time?? Don't know. That is what I would like to get your feedback on.

 

What have your experiences shown you??

[worldgonewrong]

Communication is everything if you love/care about each other.

 

Separations do not tend to foster communication. Period.

[Stampede]

Communication is everything if you love/care about each other.

 

Separations do not tend to foster communication. Period.

 

We are still communicating via phone calls and texting and I do go over to the house several times a week to keep up on things. I am basically just not sleeping there for the time being. The communication has NOT stopped. We are also in counseling once a week. The counseling sessions usually last 2 to 3 hours at a time.

[standtall]

Need more info as to how many kids and ages. Women with minor children seldom check out of marriages unless.

 

1. Drug/alcohol issues

2. Physical/emotional abuse

3. Mental illness

4. Third party involvement

 

Choose your marriage killer.

[Stampede]

Need more info as to how many kids and ages. Women with minor children seldom check out of marriages unless.

 

1. Drug/alcohol issues

2. Physical/emotional abuse

3. Mental illness

4. Third party involvement

 

Choose your marriage killer.

 

7 kids, ages 17 down to 2. And the emotional abuse is on MY part! But there WAS instigation there on her part and right now she is NOT admitting it!!!

[standtall]

And the emotional abuse is on MY part!

 

IMHO, if you want things to work, you've got to change yourself when it comes to that....and mean it.

 

This part indicates that you don't.

 

But there WAS instigation there on her part and right now she is NOT admitting it!!!

 

Who cares is she admits it or not. Work on you.

[Stampede]

IMHO, if you want things to work, you've got to change yourself when it comes to that....and mean it.

 

This part indicates that you don't.

 

 

 

Who cares is she admits it or not. Work on you.

 

I have been working on me. But right now the anger that I am receiving from her end makes it really difficult to remain focused and positive. I am half tempted to look her square in the eyes and say its the anger or the marriage, you choose!!!

 

She is the only one in this whole mess that thinks she should not take ANY ownership for what has happened. I am not going to go into detail, but some her actions have been very inappropriate for an attractive, married woman. No affairs or infidelity, but the boundaries that we established early on in our marriage have been severely compromised. NOT by me I might add.

 

She needs a wake up call. Unfortunately she is getting consult from a divorced friend and one that is currently going through a divorce. Good consultation huh??

 

I do not want my children to grow up in a broken home, but the focus is entirely on her right now, what SHE wants to do. My opinions no longer matter.

[carhill]

What have your experiences shown you??

 

Depends on relationship style. Some people thrive on the 'stuff' which impels separations and 'go crazy' while separated and have 'wild' make-up reconciliation bonding. That's a style.

 

Our MC opined that separation was a pretty consistent pathway to divorce, if a delayed one. I saw signs of it during our separation, though it was only for a couple months. It was easier to forget the M and just live life. That was our style. YMMV.

 

Two things I'd suggest:

 

1. MC.

 

2. Ground rules, especially in the area of dating others and sex.

[Stampede]

Depends on relationship style. Some people thrive on the 'stuff' which impels separations and 'go crazy' while separated and have 'wild' make-up reconciliation bonding. That's a style.

 

Our MC opined that separation was a pretty consistent pathway to divorce, if a delayed one. I saw signs of it during our separation, though it was only for a couple months. It was easier to forget the M and just live life. That was our style. YMMV.

 

Two things I'd suggest:

 

1. MC.

 

2. Ground rules, especially in the area of dating others and sex.

 

We are currently going to MC, but she insists that this is ENTIRELY my issue to deal with. Unfortunately, she is the ONLY one in our circle of family and friends that sees it that way.

 

She has children at home that she cannot leave for extended periods of time so I don't think that she would have time to do anything that would further jeopardize things. I could be horribly mistaken though.

[carhill]

The client in MC is the marriage. If one partner consistently feels that MC is only for the other partner, then it will fail. If it does, accept the failure and move to the next step. If the failure is combined with a desire to separate by the partner who lacked synergy in the work, I'd just file and suggest mediation. Move forward.

[Balzac]

Carhill has it right! Move to divorce counseling and mediation.

Statistically separation leads to filing divorce.

[Stampede]

Carhill has it right! Move to divorce counseling and mediation.

Statistically separation leads to filing divorce.

 

I am going to absolutely get bent over the table aren't I??

[carhill]

That depends. I'd start on PlanB today. Limits the pain of losing somewhat, as IMO there are no winners in these things. I'm about 18 months post D and have recovered pretty well. Still have about another five years of hard work, but should be OK for retirement.

 

IMO, the key is moving forward. Indecision is a killer.

[Balzac]

Lack of realistic planning kills. Agree that indecision as well but knowledge is power. Gather knowledge to move decisions forward. Careful planning and strategy of taxes, structuring payouts is the key.

 

Divorce is the shut down of a joint business venture. It's business not personal. Get yourself to that point and it is much easier. Stop the clock.

Edited May 24, 2012 by Balzac

[carhill]

I paid my lawyer more before the D than during, mainly to formulate PlanB. Also, it appears how I handled the divorce has brought allies to my side, assisting in recovery. I didn't know that when going through the process. This brings to mind another suggestion for the OP, that being to foster and grow relationships with your friends. Stay in the mix. Be transparent but confident of a positive outcome. Be a good friend. It'll work out

[Stampede]

Guess where I was going with that............STAHM, no income, 7 kids.........I may have to work 12 jobs!!!

[Spark1111]

Seven kids is a huge, life and soul draining responsibility.

 

How do you show appreciation for the job she does do? Women need appreciation, respect, and to feel like she is the most important person on the planet to her man.

 

What do you two do for fun?

 

If I had to care all day for 7 children, and then had to deal with my spouse's anger, whether justified or not, I'b be pretty close to done too.

 

She needs and is seeking validation from her friends. She is also seeking some liberty, freedom, and fun with her friends.

 

You have choices here to make. You can be right, or you two can be happy.

 

What do you do to make your wife happy? I think you are at a crisis point here, as a woman asking her man to move out is really asking this:

 

Am I HAPPIER with him? Or without him?

 

If every time you speak to her or in counseling you are presenting a litany of what she is doing wrong that angers you, well, that is not helping your case. Blame, anger, sarcasm, having to be "right" or more right are also relationship killers.

 

We women live and die by our relationships.

 

Not blaming anyone here, but would you date you today? What do you bring to the relationship?

 

Are you fun, complimentary, caring and understanding of her life?

[worldgonewrong]

We women live and die by our relationships.

 

Or until something better comes along.

 

I don't swallow that for one second.

 

SOME women do. Yes.

 

Not "we women".

[jaystrong]

IMHO separations do not work, they only lead to divorce.

 

I can totally relate to the wife not accepting any responsiblity for actions. I told my ex i would take responsiblity for and fix 99% of our marraige problems if she would take acceptance of 1%. All i wanted was for her to say was that she too had a hand in our problems. But that was too much for her. She wanted me to take ALL of the repsonsiblity. My IC called this an example of Borderline behavior. He told me it would get worse and it did, until i finally left.

 

Sorry if that doesn't help, just my story.

[Stampede]

IMHO separations do not work, they only lead to divorce.

 

I can totally relate to the wife not accepting any responsiblity for actions. I told my ex i would take responsiblity for and fix 99% of our marraige problems if she would take acceptance of 1%. All i wanted was for her to say was that she too had a hand in our problems. But that was too much for her. She wanted me to take ALL of the repsonsiblity. My IC called this an example of Borderline behavior. He told me it would get worse and it did, until i finally left.

 

Sorry if that doesn't help, just my story.

 

Sounds like a very similar situation. She is the only one in our circle of friends and family that feels like it only takes one to break a marriage. I don't know that I agree with that.

[Stampede]

Seven kids is a huge, life and soul draining responsibility.

 

How do you show appreciation for the job she does do? Women need appreciation, respect, and to feel like she is the most important person on the planet to her man.

 

What do you two do for fun?

 

If I had to care all day for 7 children, and then had to deal with my spouse's anger, whether justified or not, I'b be pretty close to done too.

 

She needs and is seeking validation from her friends. She is also seeking some liberty, freedom, and fun with her friends.

 

You have choices here to make. You can be right, or you two can be happy.

 

What do you do to make your wife happy? I think you are at a crisis point here, as a woman asking her man to move out is really asking this:

 

Am I HAPPIER with him? Or without him?

 

If every time you speak to her or in counseling you are presenting a litany of what she is doing wrong that angers you, well, that is not helping your case. Blame, anger, sarcasm, having to be "right" or more right are also relationship killers.

 

We women live and die by our relationships.

 

Not blaming anyone here, but would you date you today? What do you bring to the relationship?

 

Are you fun, complimentary, caring and understanding of her life?

 

I KNOW that raising 7 kids has got to be taxing. I get to escape to my job every day. She NEVER gets to LEAVE her job. BUT...........that was a decision that WE made together many years ago. That is what she wanted to do. I have never asked her to get a job, never asked her to help support the family. We don't have a lot, but ALL of our needs are provided for, and yes, we make it just fine on my income. Things are tight, be we are well taken care of.

 

As far as telling how much I appreciate her, it is said on an almost daily basis. I really let her do just about anything that she wants to. I've never had a problem with that. Now it seems though, when your wife jokingly says that she is going through a 'Midlife Crisis' and everything that has come along with that statement, she is looking to go back and do some things that she did not get to do when she was younger. To the point of disregarding the wishes of her husband and her family. For a while, I turned the other cheek. Maybe this will pass. When it turned to the point of single young men catching her eye, THAT is when the anxiety and anger took hold. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am on medication now to help with that and it seems to be working.

 

I'm not asking her to not have fun, but there are some things that an attractive, married woman should not be doing. The boundaries that we established many years ago have been rewritten...........by her!! There has been no affair because she does not have the time. I have several eyes and ears at home that know where she is at all times Lol!

 

She has some things to work out. Me, emotionally, I am in a good place right now and plan on staying there. I have started getting back to doing the things that I enjoy without disregarding my duties at home. I still go to the house on a daily basis, see her and the kids, and take care of what needs to be taken care. For another week or so, I am just not sleeping there right now.

[carhill]

You mentioned 'trust issues' on both sides in the OP. Care to elaborate on that?

 

We have a male member whom also I believe has seven children and he generally offers pretty good advice. His username is GorillaTheater. Since you're new and don't have PM function, I'll ask him to look in.

 

The way I see it, choices have consequences. Neither you nor your wife are immune to them. You can't immunize her against them when she makes choices. She must own them.

[Stampede]

You mentioned 'trust issues' on both sides in the OP. Care to elaborate on that?

 

We have a male member whom also I believe has seven children and he generally offers pretty good advice. His username is GorillaTheater. Since you're new and don't have PM function, I'll ask him to look in.

 

The way I see it, choices have consequences. Neither you nor your wife are immune to them. You can't immunize her against them when she makes choices. She must own them.

 

Can he PM me and I can respond?? I would rather not spill all the gory details all over the place..............

[carhill]

You need 100 posts and 30 days of membership to gain any PM functionality. The alternative is paying 2.50 for a month's subscription. Your choice. I contacted him on your behalf. Hope it helps.

[Stampede]

You need 100 posts and 30 days of membership to gain any PM functionality. The alternative is paying 2.50 for a month's subscription. Your choice. I contacted him on your behalf. Hope it helps.

 

I'll take any help I can get right now................if you want to send him my e-mail so we can communicate that [email protected]