When is lying OK?

[Eternal Sunshine]

My mum is very clingy and over-protective. She wants to be in contact every day and we exchange few texts. She also wants a text in the evening that I have arrived home from work safely EVERY DAY. I am mostly used to it but I feel like at 33 I have no personal freedom even though I live alone. The only time when she wasn't like this was when I was living with my ex.

 

She is now back at it full force. The problem is, I have flexible hours and I prefer to come to work late and leave late. It's dark here at 5:30pm or so and she wants me home by 6pm (so that I wouldn't catch a train after dark). The problem is, I want to work till 9-9:30pm and go home then. She goes crazy when I mention it and starts crying immediately (someone will kill you! rape you!) etc. I feel like I am in NO danger. I live close to the train station in low crime suburb and well lit streets.

 

She is quite irrational when it comes to things like that and arguing my point has not gotten me anywhere. I could go "I will come home when I want; deal with it" route but I feel guilty as she will just sit there worrying for hours. So I go home at 6pm and long for freedom to make my own decisions

 

I am seriously contemplating sending her "I am home text" at 6pm and then staying at work for however long I feel like.

 

Thoughts?

[d'Arthez]

Lies will only make it worse, especially when she finds out you're lying. This can happen directly or indirectly, so you have little control over it.

 

For the love of pizza, you are 33, and your mom still treats you like a 13 year old. You are perhaps better off trying to wean her off knowing where you are 24/7. Is it possible for you to slowly start weaning your mother down on the amount of communication she has with you? For example dedicate 10-30 (or whatever amount) minutes at the same time of the day to talk to her?

 

Too much communication can be a major stress on parent-"child" relationships.

[Mme. Chaucer]

The only way you are going to "break" her of this is to tell her what you told us, stop the "home safe" texts and then endure the heaping helping of guilt and tears you'll be served for as long as it takes.

 

She may never stop. But I think you would be best served to go through it anyway.

 

It's part of her job as your mom to let you go now that you are an adult, even if it hurts.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Honestly, I would prefer to talk to her once a week and can invite her for a visit every two weeks or so. That's it. No daily communication, no knowing where I am 24/7.

 

She nearly has a heart attack at this and lays on a BIG guilt trip (after all I have done for? How can you do this to me? What kind of a person are you? Am I REALLY asking you for THAT much? Few texts here and there? etc etc)

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes, it will be REALLY hard and it will also be easy for you to feel like she's right - what IS the big deal. Also the effort of sending the texts every freaking day is a lot easier to deal with than the guilt trips.

 

Nonetheless! I think it would be a positive thing for you to stand up to this in honor of your own independence and womanhood.

 

You will always be your parents' daughter, but there comes a time when being your own woman needs to take precedence. When you wrote that you feel you have no personal freedom, that resonated. You NEED to feel your own freedom.

[d'Arthez]

There are two ways going about things. Slowly wean her off or tell her what your boundaries are. She may try to guilt trip you, make you feel miserable, but at the end of the day telephone and text communication is a two way street. But as long as you stick to your boundaries, she will come to realize that sixty minutes of complaining about the lessened contact is just a loss of her time, to actually relate to you and find out what is going on in your life.

 

In both cases you have to tell her what your boundaries are and what you are comfortable with. Just because she popped you out 33 years ago, does not entitle her to know every detail of your life.

 

I would even go as far as (when you call her) to say something like: "Mom we have xx minutes. I am going to tell you that I am only going to speak to you once a week. You can whine, complain and moan for xx minutes, or you can actually engage with me about what is happening in both of our lives. The choice is yours."

She'll learn soon enough that it does not mean you don't love her. And that as long as you don't give in to her demands, that she is better off accepting your position.

[Kamille]

Look at it this way: by trying to manage her anxiety her way (working your schedule so she doesn't worry, reporting in), you're actually enabling her anxiety. Stop feeding it, allow her to realize there are no dramatic outcomes to you leading your life your way, and, after the first crises, her anxiety might actually drop.

 

So let go of the guilt you feel. Realize not bowing to her fears will actually improve her well-being - and potentially your relationship.

 

I'm guessing the root cause of her anxiety isn't actually the mean streets of Your City, Australia. The root cause is her inability to let go you go. And that, deep down, is usually linked to the mother's own sense of guilt. My mother, who also struggles with anxiety, will blame herself for what she perceives as my unhappiness (because, as you know, I'm such an unhappy person;)). But that's her insecurity and it has nothing to do with my capacity to lead my own life how I see fit. In fact, my mom now realizes that she no longer needs to check in on me to make sure I do my work (). But it took years of me ignoring her needs for control over me for her to realize she had no reason to worry. I had to demonstrate it by doing it. Meanwhile, by going along with her plans, what you're doing is demonstrating that she must be right to worry about you.

 

In other words, only your mother can work towards her own happiness. The best you can do is ensure you don't enable her anxious thoughts by acting like you give them validity.

Edited May 18, 2012 by Kamille

[Eternal Sunshine]

Kamille, your post resonated with me. Yes, my mum feels guilty. She feels guilty that we immigrated (it was her idea) and feels like all my emotional problems are due to me not having adjusted to life in Australia as I should have. I did have some adjustment problems (being sensitive and emotional as I am) but I don't blame her one bit. The country where we are from has poor job prospects, economy is at rock bottom and everyone wants to just get the f... out of there. I would never move back there.

 

She truly made a brave decision to move and improve our lives. Sure, she perhaps didn't think in advance that as a teen, I will have adjustment problems. I tell her over and over again that nothing is her fault but it doesn't help.

 

When she comes over, she tends to bring me cooked meals and stuff like that and keeps offering to do house work. That annoys me as I cook for myself nearly every day and have no problem keeping the house clean etc. I managed to put a stop to that at least.

 

MC, yes, I know this is the only way to go. I will only get caught lying and sure, few texts are perhaps easier than big confrontation but in the long run, I am feeling restricted and unhappy. It also affects our relationship as I often snap at her for apparently no reason.

 

I will perhaps print this thread out and show it to her. There is some good advice for her too.

[carhill]

Changing a parent's intrinsic behavior can be a painful process. I went through something similar in my late twenties after my father died and I helped my mom through the grieving process. Just tough it out for a couple of years, consistently reinforcing healthy boundaries, and I bet she'll come around. That her communication was more acceptable to you while living with BF underscores the potentials of transitioning. It's doable. Civil and consistent. Throw in a few white lies as appropriate to your privacy boundaries. Nothing that would hurt her. Good luck.

[Eternal Sunshine]

carhill,

 

She trusts some random stranger (my ex who she barely knew) to take care of me but she doesn't trust ME to take care of me. That's annoying.

[carhill]

Look at it this way. It's highly likely she's scared to death of your father dying. The person who 'takes care of her' will be gone. Fear is an often irrational and potent motivator. One potential.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Allowing your relationship with your mother to continue like this is not good for you, or for her, or for your relationship - as you said.

 

I know you love your mom, but when you never have a chance to go towards her (because she gives you no space and is smothering) you are often in a state of retreat.

 

I don't know if she will ever change, but making and enforcing this boundary with her would really be a good thing for both of you - even if the responsibility for it is 100% on you.

[Ruby Slippers]

I totally agree with d'Arthez's advice. You need to lay down some boundaries and enforce them.

 

Honestly, I would prefer to talk to her once a week and can invite her for a visit every two weeks or so. That's it. No daily communication, no knowing where I am 24/7.

I would communicate that to her, then follow through. She will probably complain and nag, but you don't have to coddle her through that.

 

She won't let up on her own - you'll have to make it happen with clear boundaries that you enforce reliably.

 

Good luck!

[wow04]

My mom wasn't as bad as your mom, but was always in my business. I got sick and tired of it. I don't know how far you are willing to go with it.

 

I told my mom that I am an adult and I make my own choices. I no longer tell her what is going on in my life. I only talk to her once or twice a week and it is just to tell her my kids and I are doing good.

 

Your mom isn't going to change, you have to change you.

[threebyfate]

Do you recognize the anxiety style, ES?

[whichwayisup]

My mum is very clingy and over-protective. She wants to be in contact every day and we exchange few texts. She also wants a text in the evening that I have arrived home from work safely EVERY DAY. I am mostly used to it but I feel like at 33 I have no personal freedom even though I live alone. The only time when she wasn't like this was when I was living with my ex.

 

She is now back at it full force. The problem is, I have flexible hours and I prefer to come to work late and leave late. It's dark here at 5:30pm or so and she wants me home by 6pm (so that I wouldn't catch a train after dark). The problem is, I want to work till 9-9:30pm and go home then. She goes crazy when I mention it and starts crying immediately (someone will kill you! rape you!) etc. I feel like I am in NO danger. I live close to the train station in low crime suburb and well lit streets.

 

She is quite irrational when it comes to things like that and arguing my point has not gotten me anywhere. I could go "I will come home when I want; deal with it" route but I feel guilty as she will just sit there worrying for hours. So I go home at 6pm and long for freedom to make my own decisions

 

I am seriously contemplating sending her "I am home text" at 6pm and then staying at work for however long I feel like.

 

Thoughts?

 

Not sure lying to her is the answer. If that was my mom doing that to me, I'd be asking her to please get some help or take something to calm her nerves.. You are a grown woman! Yes, mom's worry but your mom is EXTREME!! She has to 'understand' that this is your life and have faith/trust that you will be safe and not walk the streets and put yourself in danger. yes, things can happen, unfortunately but the chances of something bad happening to you are very small. She has lighten up and not focus so much on you and your comings/goings. Sounds like mom needs a fun hobby, some friends or a boyfriend!! (Not sure if your folks are still together or not. If they are together then your dad needs to help her with this so she won't be so needy and worried all the time.)

[Joaquin]

Just tune out when she starts going off.

 

Ring her when you want.

 

If she calls and your not in the form for her, answer but say your busy with a work project or out and will call her back the next day.

 

A text each day to your poor old mum shouldn't be too much trouble, although having to clock in when you get home needs to probably stop.

[FitChick]

She sounds lonely and bored. Get her a dog (not puppy) or a cat on whom she can lavish her time and affection. Perhaps tell her about opportunities to volunteer at a hospital or for some charity. If she likes to play cards find out if there is a bridge club or poker game in her area. She needs to take her mind off of you.

 

Hey, I know. Sign her up on a senior dating website! Then she will be more sympathetic to you and your dating dramas.

 

As to your original question -- is it okay to lie? Yes, as long as you don't lie about your age.

[Star Gazer]

Allowing your relationship with your mother to continue like this is not good for you, or for her, or for your relationship - as you said.

 

I know you love your mom, but when you never have a chance to go towards her (because she gives you no space and is smothering) you are often in a state of retreat.

 

I don't know if she will ever change, but making and enforcing this boundary with her would really be a good thing for both of you - even if the responsibility for it is 100% on you.

 

This.

 

I actually think that in allowing her to know where you are 24/7 has actually contributed to her stress and anxiety, because the moment you deviate from a known/established pattern, she freaks out and worries.

 

Taking that constant, 24/7 knowledge away from her will help both of you... I think.

[johan]

It's not right to be put in that situation. But to lie just means setting yourself up for worse later. That's a practical consideration. But you also need to decide what kind of person you really want to be. It's better to find a way to to manage the relationship normally.

 

I don't know how you handle your mom. I think I would just state coolly what I want and where my boundaries are, and I wouldn't argue with her about it or really even discuss it. I would be vigilant for power plays and guilt trips that would come out of it as a result. But in my mind I can just fall back on the fact that I'm an adult and

[Kamille]

that you're an adult and??? And???

[Eternal Sunshine]

Haha Kamille.

 

That's the thing about lying. It's not even about my mum and her finding out.

 

Whenever I lied or told "half-truth" or anything like that in the past, even if I felt it was justified, I lost a little bit of respect for myself. That's just not who I am. So yes, lying is out.

 

I will have to speak to her.

[Ruby Slippers]

Whenever I lied or told "half-truth" or anything like that in the past, even if I felt it was justified, I lost a little bit of respect for myself. That's just not who I am. So yes, lying is out.

That's character.

[pureinheart]

ES, this is hard. I understand her anxiety and fear. The world we live in is ever changing and the atrocities that occur are . She is afraid you will become a statistic.

 

Has she been through a lot of trauma? What are her habits? Does watch or listen to programs that feed these anxieties? I bet you will find the root of this with these and more questions. For example, watching the news and hearing all of the horrible things gets me freaked out.

 

Your mother must be very important to you, and if she has been through a lot of traumatising events then she might be waiting for the next bomb to drop so-to-speak.

 

You're a really good daughter to be so concerned about her well-being to post a thread like this..((((((((hugs))))))) and hang in there...

[anne1707]

Do you recognize the anxiety style, ES?

 

 

A bump for this question because I thought the same and it has not been answered.

 

Also ES - whilst you do need to start establishing boundaries with your mother, do it more gently than would be typically needed. With your father being unwell, she needs her family more and is probably (and understandably) being over protective and clingy.