Long term girlfriend wants to be single young and party

[diddleum]

Girlfriend of 4 years, weve lived together for nearly 2 years. Always had a great relationship weve been and done great things together. She has always been keen on kids and marriage, and always seemed in love with me.

 

I went away on a fishing trip for a week, and I had a good think with that time and realised tha the last 6 months hadnt been that great, I had been focusing to much on work and neglecting alot of her basic needs. I come back from this fishing trips and she has moved out. I was completely shocked, all my friends family were completely shocked everyone including me thought we was as tight as tight could be. Just a month before she had bought me a pillow out of the blue saying "I Love You" on it, and a month before that it was my birthday and she made massive effort on the gifts to make it special for me.

 

She basically said she hasnt been happy recently and wants to be alone for a while to see if she misses me. I found it hard to leave her alone and sent her alot of texts saying "I love you" "sorry" "ill change" etc. I made her a dum music video with me staring in it, it was brilliant. Anyway after about 2 weeks of me texting I started to give up and went out for a drink with a girl in the local town. Amazingly my ex saw us, and went mental. This obviously spooked her and a week later she moved back in with me saying "I love you lets get back to gether and live happily ever after and so on".

 

I was made up, and for three weeks I was the perfect boyfriend, I could tell her heart wasnt quite in it so I talked to her and said "Im trying really hard but am feeling insecure, I need you to give me more back". This spurred her into saying she still isnt happy and although ive been brilliant she is worried im gonna change back, and she wants to be single and have space etc.

 

So Im on my own again heartbroken, she wont give me any closure, as she walked out the door she said crying "never say never" and that very night she text me at 2am saying I cant sleep I keep thinking of you and all the things we did together. Ive asked her for closure and to say wed never get back together but she cant tell me and it's killing me.

 

Guess the only thing I can do is give it time and see if she comes back to me. So hard though, I keep messaging her. I know I just need to stop and if she doesn't come back after x amount of time, ill have to take that as my closure.

 

What do you guys think? How long should I leave it? It was such a shock as she never talked to me about being unhappy or given me any warning. Do girls ever just need to be out of a situation to see clearly, or is there likely to be more than that going on?

 

She still says she loves me and always will etc.... Im 30 shes 25, so shes been with me since she was 21. I guess she has missed out on her "party" years.

 

Heartbroken.

Edited May 18, 2012 by diddleum

[gibson]

The two threads below will answer many of your questions:

 

"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

 

and...

 

Dumped by someone with G.I.G.S.? All your Questions are Answered within this thread!

[someone12341]

my fiance did the same thing 2 me after 2 years and 6 months of being together, never showed signs of being not happy or anything, never fought we had conflicts, then one day out of the blue said she wasn't happy and didn't even want to try and work things out, i was shocked and hurt beyond belief, wondering how someone could be that cruel but i love her and wish the best for her and if she does come back she comes back but im not going to wait for her

 

i feel your pain and i know it sucks, but i came to the conclusion it was her chose and i have to respect that, i told myself not to beg and plead for her back and i haven't, To me begging and pleading for someone back show how immature and weak i am, just chalk it up to one of life's experiences and move on. thats basically what i did somedays are rougher than others, always feels like i take one great step forward then 2 steps back, i know time will heal my wounds and it will heal yours, Just be patient and better yourself while this is happening

[headsashed]

It sounds similar to my ex,dated for 2 years,she said she werent happy and broke up with me,4 months later she came back to me because she heard i was with someone new,5 months later and the same has happend again. Gibson is right,its gigs,and im now learning the hard way.

[diddleum]

Thank you so much Gibson, reading the GIGS post has given me so much comfort. I cannot thank you enough! Word for word it summed up our situation.

 

There is a good chance ill get her back after reading that, and even if I don't get her back, its gonna get me back on my feet and stopped being so upset.

 

For those of you that like a laugh check out the music video I did for her, thats me with a tshirt with her face on!

 

Olly Murs - my heart skips a beat - music video for my girlfriend - YouTube

 

Without sounding to big headed, how many guys would do that for her? Ive got alot going for me, good job, own place, atheletic etc. Im still in pain, but this has really helped. That hope will get me through and that NC that I now know is the correct path will help get me back on my feet.

 

I particulary connected with her coming up with mixed signals on why this is happening, there has been several. Also with that she has been doing things a little different recently -> Shes lost a bit of weight and looking really good and hanging out with friends more etc. She definately wont let go completely, and makes specific points to keep me hanging!

Edited May 18, 2012 by diddleum

[fetish1980]

i'm 15 months out of my relationship after my ex of 8 years decided she wanted to move out and needed her space. I understand she's young and wanted to live her life and be free, but now she has to understand that things don't evolve around her timetable. So i haven't accepted her attempts to try to get back together because i don't think i could ever trust her again.

 

Your case is no different. You need to take a step back and evaluate where things started going wrong. I personally wouldn't trust someone who just drops the bomb on me like that with a surprise move out. That is completely inconsiderate of the other person's feelings. You have to prepare people for that kind of thing. I may be being a little harsh, but if a person just decides to move out on you for reasons other than physical abuse or fear for safety, chances are they've already checked out of the relationship for the time being.

 

stoneclaw/C2H (ComingtoHouston)

Edited May 18, 2012 by fetish1980

[WonderKid]

Don't let her move back in. Obviously that GIGS is dead on. She just "moved out?" You gotta be kidding me. That's a complete game she's playing. She could have partied and be young while still living with you.

 

I wouldn't have done that for her imo. Because I would've asked her why did she move out, and if she would've gave me a BS answer she wouldn't likely be getting any love songs from me. Not making her to be a horrible person. But she has some things she needs to work out.

[pteromom]

That's a cute video. It would have worked on me too... LOL

 

Get some girls to comment on the video about how sexy/cute/adorable you are... share the video around and I'm sure you will get comments.

 

Maybe she'll realize that if she wants to walk away, there are other girls who are willing to be with you. Maybe that will bring her back.

[MissBrunette84]

Wow you even sound like Olly Murs lol , she'll hopefully realise soon how cool you are. I'm on youtube but never revealing my videos lol

[fucpcg]

Bro awesome video. I've said in here many times that I give total props to anyone that can bleed their heart out, thru writing, creativity, talking, whatever. You love someone, you have no fear to express it, and will express in a way that is unique an heartfelt. Any girl that would do something like that for me, I could NEVER not respond.

 

UNFORTUNATELY, I've been down your road before, and have bled my heart in equally creative ways, to no avail. Both times were with women who I dated for one year, the other four years, who left me and went to a life of partying. If they have that bug in their system, they never shake it until they get their party fill, and that could be year or years. The girl I dated for 4 years, she came back to me about a year after she dumped me, we were all hot and heavy again, and I think about a month later she went ballistic on me again, broke up with me, went back to partying. I always felt we had something very special, and it always bothered me that we ended and lost contact, though all her choice. Ironically, about 15 years (and a divorce) later, she found me on Facebook, and told me she wanted to apologize for how she treated me, and she always missed and thought about me. Today we are great friends, and would probably be dating if she didn't live 1,000 miles away. She IS a great girl, she WAS a great girl, but she needed to live thru her party days, and I can understand that. Our breakup allowed me to go on and have some of the greatest experiences, and fondest memories, having a great time with my buddies thru our 20's, memories I don't at all want to relive now being 42, but soo glad I have them.

 

The other girl.... she's partying, she won't communicate with me, and similar to you she loved me one day and hated me a dumped me the next. I tried to reach out to her 3 times, with very emotional attempts. NOTHING. I can't do anything else, if those things didn't work, then only she can choose to come back. Until then, I must carry on. Maybe we will patch things up, but if it's in 15 years like the other girl, I'll be close to having one foot in the grave.

[diddleum]

I feel so good finding this site and understanding about GIGS, I can recognise I did this to a girlfriend I was pretty happy with when I was int hat age range. This current girl has never been single her whole life.

 

I dont think she is horrible, I know her so well and just know she finds it difficult to communicate her feelings.

 

anyway earlier today I had a good release, telling her I understand about how she feels now and thanked her for doing this now and not when we were married/with kids. I even said she had alot of courage for doing this. She responded really well saying she loved me. I said lets both go and have some fun and explore ourselves and see if life brings us back together. I joked about her catching some STDS on the way, she was very quick to say she isnt interested in men and just wants to have fun. She said having another man near her body makes her feel sick?! Whether or not thats bollox I dont know, but it ended really nicely, I have closure now as I understand completely, thanks to this site. I dont blame her its just natural. There is a great chance shell come back, but im on a better level to recover now if she don't! Just gotta be strong now and go NC, wish me luck with that!

 

The video is a bit dorky, when she moved back in she posted it on her facebook, and literally everyone of her friends was saying wow your so lucky, brilliant etc etc.

 

Thanks again guys )

[diddleum]

I've read a few threads on here flaming the idea of GIGS. HAve to say I disagree strongly and it isnt pointless it has helped me tons!

 

My ex has clearly spelt out to me what she wants and it is text book GIGS, right age, right scenario. It has really given me closure and helped me alot!

[diddleum]

So im on about a day and a half of no contact. Im feeling alot better but still alot of thought about her which spurs off some anxious feelings. Because I understand the Gigs and where she is I am getting better alot quicker than I thought. I;ve even started making plans for the future, going travelling, working on myself etc.

 

What im finding hard is living on my own, not having someone or something to do all the time, but I guess ill get better at that. I dont have many single friends, so most my friends I have to steal from their families/children for a while. I think ill get better at filling my time, and also at better at being alone in time. Im sure of it. Guess because today and yestarday was the weekend and I don't have work there has been alot of time to fill.

 

I keep wanting to contact her or thinking about when I might contact her, or working out the chances of her contacting me. We was so good together and the breakup was so hard on her, and she goes to such an effort to not write me off that im holding onto a great chance of reconcilliation. Dont't know if that is right or not. Guess it is still quite raw, I think ill have to put a timeframe on it, before I really try and move on... I cant wait forever. Perhaps if after a month of NC I will realise im not in her thoughts.

 

Im a very logcial thinker and try and look at the facts alot, and I think that her/our case of GIGS is unique and highly likely she will come back to me. Not sure if this is common with people in my situation??? But literally everything about our relationship and the break up screams she will come back to me.

 

When I last spoke to her she told me she is going to aJayZ concert with her friend Adam and that shell probably post pics on facebook, and was worried that mutual friends would tell me and id get upset. She was very keen on me not getting the wrong idea. Hugely defensive about any talk/thought of her leaving me for good or her experimenting with other guys.

 

Don't know if anyon is reading this, but it helps me to write it out. Maybe itll help someone else, which would be an added bonus!

[crazylove]

LOVE the video! How fab! It would have defo worked on me too haha!

Sorry you're going through this, but you're doing the right thing going NC. It sounds like she does still have feelings for you, so could do a U turn and come back to you, however...you need to carry on as if she won't, get on with your life, and try to move on. It will be hard, no doubt about it, but try to stay NC with her.

Good luck!

[sarah1268]

Aw, I thought that video was great.

I can relate to exactly what you are going though. My bf of almost 3 years (we started dating at 18) broke up with me out of the blue 2 weeks ago. Not sure if it was gigs, but it sounds like it was.

I'm finding it so hard to adjust to being by myself as we pretty much lived together.

I've done my best to try and put it out of my mind, I too have made plans to travel and be with friends, but ultimately it will remain on your mind for a while.

 

best of luck!

[betterdeal]

Im a very logcial thinker and try and look at the facts alot, and I think that her/our case of GIGS is unique and highly likely she will come back to me. Not sure if this is common with people in my situation??? But literally everything about our relationship and the break up screams she will come back to me.

 

Will you be happy to get back together, would you like to get back together and are there any conditions that you would want satisfying before getting back together with her?

 

As it stands, your relationship with one another has developed this new understanding, which is that she may disappear without an obvious reason that you have any influence over. If you're happy with that arrangement, then good for you. You have an amicable arrangement. If not, perhaps musing whether or not she'll return is either moot or in need of some time spent considering these sorts of questions.

 

What is it you want, right now?

[diddleum]

Sarah, thanks you sound very level headed for someone going through this, but perhaps ill be alot better after 2 weeks as well. I've surprised myself how much better I am now im on 2 whole days NC!

 

I know she loves me, and I know she is just confused with the feelings she has got. When we got back to gether after my video and her seeing me with someone else at the start she touched me so affectionately and I just knew the love was there. Its just as the days went by the GIGS feelings she has obviously came back, and I know there is nothing I can do. Weve talked about GIGS and how I had it when I was younger, we even joked about where we both might go out to party in this period.

 

Betterdeal, what do I want? I know in the long term in an ideal world I want to marry her and have her children. I know there is no short term solution to how she feels, even if she begged me back now I would send her away for a few months and stay LC. She isnt the sort to go off the wall, she is extremaly chatty and outgoing and it is no surprise really that someone like her has GIGS after jumping from one LTR to another her whole life. She wont go taking drugs, she isnt the sort to jump into bed with someone, she even said the last time we spoke the thought of another guy near her body makes her feel sick. I beleive her. Even if she did have sex with other guys, I think I could get over it, if I was convinced she was back online with me.

 

So 2 days NC, im doing pretty good, but im pining for her to message me. Im sure she is thinking about me, and she will probably break NC in the next few weeks. If she doesnt contact me then I guess ill be back on here asking you guys if I should break it! I know what I need to do, just cant get my mnind straight, im constantly googling and searching this forum for "how long till ex broke NC" and "Gigs success stories" etc. I know this is a bad idea but im kind of addicted now lol.

 

Like I said if she came back to me, id send her away LC until she seemed to feel the same way for a matter of months. I can live and wait with her going out and having fun knowing that she still thinks that we will may end up together.

[diddleum]

What makes NC hard for me is that she extremely willing to reply. If I text her I will get one back in a matter of minutes, even if she is working probably. She is always up for discussion about how she feels, up for having a joke. Im certaintly not a pain, if anything despite the terrible situation there is plenty of reassurance and positive talk. Like "if we come back to gether we will know we are made for each other and we can settle down". Im deffo hoping for NC moving to LC initiated from her hopefully!

[MissBrunette84]

What makes NC hard for me is that she extremely willing to reply. If I text her I will get one back in a matter of minutes, even if she is working probably. She is always up for discussion about how she feels, up for having a joke. Im certaintly not a pain, if anything despite the terrible situation there is plenty of reassurance and positive talk. Like "if we come back to gether we will know we are made for each other and we can settle down". Im deffo hoping for NC moving to LC initiated from her hopefully!

 

Hopefully it does lead to LC from her, I wish the best for you. You seem genuine

[diddleum]

Hopefully it does lead to LC from her, I wish the best for you. You seem genuine

 

Usually I am the biggest negative thinker, a right pessimist. My friends and family joke about it. Maybe I am jaded a little but the chance wasnt real im sure sure I wouldnt be holding on,.

 

Made a mistake and read her facebook last night, it doesnt reveal much, she had a night out with her single friend. I learnt that is just upset me coz I read into it, thinking why is she going there (a new place), what was she doing and imagining the worst scenario. Looking at her profile was a waste of time, hopefully I can avoid doing that in the future!

[MissBrunette84]

Usually I am the biggest negative thinker, a right pessimist. My friends and family joke about it. Maybe I am jaded a little but the chance wasnt real im sure sure I wouldnt be holding on,.

 

Made a mistake and read her facebook last night, it doesnt reveal much, she had a night out with her single friend. I learnt that is just upset me coz I read into it, thinking why is she going there (a new place), what was she doing and imagining the worst scenario. Looking at her profile was a waste of time, hopefully I can avoid doing that in the future!

 

I deactivated my facebook, just to avoid even tempting looking. I can reactivate it at any time. It doesn't delete your friends or pictures or antyhing, you can log back in and it is how you left it. I think for me it just takes away the nagging devil in my head saying goooo loook lol.

[betterdeal]

Betterdeal, what do I want? I know in the long term in an ideal world I want to marry her and have her children. I know there is no short term solution to how she feels, even if she begged me back now I would send her away for a few months and stay LC. She isnt the sort to go off the wall, she is extremaly chatty and outgoing and it is no surprise really that someone like her has GIGS after jumping from one LTR to another her whole life. She wont go taking drugs, she isnt the sort to jump into bed with someone, she even said the last time we spoke the thought of another guy near her body makes her feel sick. I beleive her. Even if she did have sex with other guys, I think I could get over it, if I was convinced she was back online with me.

 

Maybe - and this is just a suggestion - you guys just need to re-arrange your relationship a bit, rather than go for broke. I'm thinking it sounds like she wants to do her own things and still be connected with you. If you're happy with that, developing your own interests and social life may be a good thing for you, regardless how you relate to one another. What I would advise against is hanging on her every word and putting your life on hold. That's not enjoyable for you, or her, and can be the death knell for a relationship.

 

So, rather than thinking about what she's doing, talk about it, see if you can come to some amicable arrangement, and start thinking about what you want to do with all that time that's now been freed up. Lots of couples seem to do better when they both have their own thing going on, be sport. a hobby or other interest that doesn't involve having sex with strangers.

[diddleum]

MissBrunnette, I think I can be strong with that in time, I have unfriended her, but it still shows alot of information pubically. If I did deactivate and wanted to look id just activate it again! ITs alot harder in this modern age to go NC, even if I deleted all her contact details they are accessible via google and easy to find again!

 

Betterdeal, thats what I hope for eventually. Some sort of LC time where we still communicate, a period of months. I want to be careful not to force anything on her or pressuree her as I don't want her to resent me. She is very open to communication though, and I really think shed like to hear from me. I think a few weeks of NC to let the dust settle would be good though, hopefully she will initiate it.

 

What I don't want her to feel is that contacting me is going to hurt me or delay my healing process. Im worried if I go completely NC shell think that Im trying to move on and any approach from her would be unwanted. So perhaps I will have to be the one to break NC.

 

Im on 2.5 days NC! Pathetic arent I! I have anxiety/depression issues so I have trouble controlling my thoughts. My heart and my unwanted negative voice tells me its been ages im losing her, but writing here and being logical tells me im being stupid and its been no time at all!

 

When we got back together quickly on a rebound, the first few days was amazing, affectionate, sexy, she posted publically pictures on her profile pics of me saying how hot I was with hearts etc, that was only a couple of weeks ago! Those GIGS feelings she had just came slipping back in. SHE MUST LOVE ME!

[flitzanu]

so, have you considered that maybe she just didn't want to be with you or date you anymore?

 

sure, it's awesome that we can put a name or label on it and call things "gigs" but it doesn't change the nature of the actions. someone chose to leave you to do other things.

 

anything she does or says to you right now, you should disregard, unless she says she made a horrible mistake and WANTS to be with you. i don't agree with LC. you're going to simply read into everything she says to you and think there's some purpose behind it, when there won't be. it's going to drive you crazy.

 

also in one of your replies you state you're a "logical thinker".

 

here's the thing...you're trying to rationalize the irrational, and turn emotion into something tangible and logical when it isn't. trust me, it's what i did for months. the best thing (i can suggest at least) for your healing is to erase her entirely from your life. block her on fb and don't allow contact. you're just going to keep the wounds fresh if you keep communicating.

 

plus...she moved out. she walked away from your relationship. being her pal and talking to her just lets her have you as a security blanket without having to deal with the relationship.

[diddleum]

Flitzanu, sounds like you've been burned dude. Can understand why you givethat advice, and I will take it seriously. However not every relationship that ends fails, I happen to strongly believe mine has a good chance of being one of those.

 

What would you have me do give up on my dreams when they are still in grasp? Its only 3 days NC, she loves me, finds me sexy, we have great sex and just recently. She is text book gigs, and that isnt just my assumption. Her own words was "Im confused, I just want to have fun, and see if I miss you".

 

Your probably right in that I should think that way to accelerate my healing, but I cant give up and risk killing my feelings for her. Not yet anyway, lets see if she misses me. Take care.