Long term girlfriend wants to be single young and party

[diddleum]

Very well put Glove, makes perfect sense.

 

I wish I had done things different over last few weeks, but hind sight is a great thing. I havent messed it up by any means. Just wish I could see what you lot was saying was the truth.

 

Im letting her go, just need the strength to stick with it when im depressed and lonely. But I think I can do it.

 

However I kind of have to admit that my reasons for decidign on letting her go is 50/50 at the minute. 50% so I can move on and 50% as it gives me the chance to get her back. I can deal with that, I think. Either way its gotta be better for my health )

[diddleum]

If like me you are still raw from a break up and just starting NC. Is it a good idea to go on dates straight away, does it help the healing/help put things in perspective?

 

Just struggling to fill my time atm and a few girls are interested in going out with me.

[c0nfused88]

If like me you are still raw from a break up and just starting NC. Is it a good idea to go on dates straight away, does it help the healing/help put things in perspective?

 

Just struggling to fill my time atm and a few girls are interested in going out with me.

 

I absolutely understand the situation you're going through but I guess I can offer advice from another perspective. I am going through that now but I am the one doing it to my boyfriend/ex.

 

I do think the best thing to do, as you seem to have realized, is to give her space. I moved out from my ex in February and really kept him around. We still hungout together, occasionally slept together or hungout in group settings. I was 'having my cake and eating it too'. I was starting to see other guys as well as working on improving myself. I feel utterly terrible now because I wasn't strong enough to push him away and shut him out-- even though it was probably what was best for him. Recently he actually confronted me to tell me that the way things are is not working for him. It was one of those.. "commit or leave me be" talks.

 

I think she needs to realize that life will go on for you. She might have the impression that you're game for waiting and have hope. If you really do avoid talking to her and start dating others-- her tune may change real quick. Perhaps by the time that happens you will have met someone new that you want to pursue or you just wont want the ex back anymore. She absolutely has to know that is the risk. I am realizing this for myself now and having to decide if the risk is worth it...

 

Part of it is.. do you accept a relationship that is good.. or that is 80-85% of what you want and try to work on it.. or on the other hand do you throw that away and try to find one that is great 95% of the time?

 

Anyway, I do wish you the best. Let me know if you have any questions from the female perspective. I am just about her age as well; I'm 24.. and I have been in and out of relationships since a very young age-- never experienced real single life. Sigh.

[diddleum]

Hello,

 

Id like to update my story, its quite interesting. Least I think so. So Im on Day 9 NC First few days was tough but I was working hard at being positive. Then I met a new girl on the weekend, and weve spent alot of time together. I really like her I think, i've told her my situation and that I want to take it really slow etc.

 

Im worried she is a rebound and my feelings arent true, but I really like her. Anyway since I met her I have hardly thought about my ex...

 

Then last night I was waiting for my new girl to come round to hang out, and bam I had a text from my ex, saying some crap about going to the gym with a mutual friend and would I like to come. This puzzled me as I had told her not to contact me. It kind of upset my evening a little, but I deleted it and didnt reply.

 

Then today she sent me a message on Facebook, saying she dreamt about me, and cant eat and feels sad today as she is thinking about me. Said it would of been our 4 year anniversary. Again i've deleted and not replied.

 

Its been said a few times they start to show interest again when you loose interest. Soo true! Im just trying to work out what my feelings are for this new girl, she makes me feel great, I feel all young and happy again, which is miraculous after how ive been feeling before.

 

I want to be honest and want to see past the "honeymoon" period and work out how she weighs up against my ex. She definately has alot of good qualities that my ex did not have.

 

Anyone else reading this, I hope it reaffirms what everyone says on here. The best way to cope is to do everything you can to forget, work on yourself and move on. Stupidly this is also the way to get your ex back, if you so wish. But like me you'll probably be wondering if you do actually want them back.

[betterdeal]

The thing is, men and women like women and men who look after themselves and are present. You don't generally want to date an unwashed homeless person covered in scabs and suffering from mental illness. You may want to help them recover, but they aren't going to bring much to your table, are they?

 

If you're still in mourning or depression, that isn't very attractive to anyone be they your ex or someone new. Exes and soon-to-bes are looking for the same thing, as are you. And while you're tending to your wounds, you aren't looking at the people looking at you...

 

Have fun with your new girl and take things at the pace you enjoy. You'll only know where it goes once you get there.

[diddleum]

Thanks Betterdeal )

 

Ex has stepped up the communication I decided to break 14 days of NC and asked her politely to leave me alone to heal as she was upsetting me. I also encouraged her to go live her life and find what makes her happy as was her wish.

 

She kept sending me messages that she was dreaming about me, and about how she wants us to be friends.

 

Im not having none of it, i've blocked her on facebook which was where she was messaging me from. Hopefully that'll send the right message to her.

 

Things are going ok with the new girl, im in a similar sort of place of uncertainty. But I guess I shouldnt let it worry me, i've been completely honest with her and don't make any promises.

 

Not really sure where im going at the minute, but most of the time im enjoying the ride ) Be strong all your dumpee's it will get better.

[diddleum]

Yeah I hear ya, I really do. Perhaps it was the easy option, and your right it is likely to be a rebound. I've said it to myself, the new girl im with has said it to me (ive told her everything). Still I just cant help it... It is ten times better than pining over someone who doesn't want me.

 

Rebound or not, it has helped me put my ex in perspective, she wasn't as great as I thought. There are other girls better than her in other ways. Likewise this new girl isn't flawless, and I have spent time to myself pointing out her weaker points so im honest with myself (lucky girl huh !).

 

Like I said im not promising this rebound anything, ive been 100% honest. I've met up with a few other girls, ive even had a few "booty" calls now im single. I turned all these down as I didn't like these people.

 

Right or wrong, Im happy im in alot healthier place than where I was. I found going it alone pretty tough; my friends have been great but they dont have loads of time for me, they all have kids and families. Im not great at making new friends either. I tried really hard, but it was a lonely life on my own, surely you can see why im dating someone new.

 

Naaaa surely im not doing the wrong thing AGAIN!!! (Famous last words )

[betterdeal]

Never do anything.

[diddleum]

Thought id update and have a good vent, so much has gone since I posted a few weeks ago.

 

It was going well with my new girl, quite casual and I was very honest about my feelings and that im not 100% over my ex.

 

My ex was messaging me some weird stuff about being friends and that she has lost her best friend and she dreamt about me and stuff. I ignored most of it and then was quite blunt and told her to leave me alone.

 

Im still seeing new girl, but the last week I found myself thinking about my ex, I went to have a little look on a populat dating website in uk and my ex was BANG up there at the top of my search. Bit of a coincidence? I couldnt help myself but message her. With a few minutes she suggested meeting, and she was round my apartment and we was having the most amazing passionate sex, she said I was amazing and the best and so on, and I knew she wasn't faking. I wasn't emotional at all, and didnt talk of anything serious, spoke of people we were dating, after a hour of chat she left me, she said we should hang out again.

 

I've probably made a mistake and have set myself back, but o well, I still cling pathetically onto a hope of reconcillation...

 

I knew shed probably been seeing other guys, and that shed probably had sex with people. But I was curious, so being that im a computer programmer I maanged to hack into her facebook and dating website. Pretty stupid.... So I read about a short relationship she had where she fell for a guy, he had sex with her then called it off in a typcial sort of fashion. What annoyed me most was the dating website where she was messaging a guy to go meet him moments after she left having sex with me the other day!

 

I dont think she is a slut and would only sleep with people that she really liked, but she is loving the attention something chronic it seems.

 

I wonder whats going through her head, I dont really understand how she can have such little respect for me. If she had moved on, why would she bother coming back to me?

 

I don't feel to bad for it all though, which shows ive moved on somewhat. My new girl is sweet, pretty, kind, caring. But she doesn't have that wow factor that my ex had, but has alot more long term partner type qualities. Im not sure if im being fair on her because of my ex still being around, I guess its impossible for me to move on with out ex out of my life completely.

 

Sorry for wittering on, pretty pathetic arent I. I know what im doing wrong, just cant help myself.... (

Edited June 26, 2012 by diddleum

[Charlie25]

I feel for you, i really do, i am in the same boat (well almost)

 

My ex also had a case of the GIGS, luckily i kinda saw it coming, so i managed to read up on some good advice before we broke up

 

What she is doing right now, is not fair towards you, and you my good man, are just sabotaging your own efforts.

 

You need to disappear, and under NO circumstances do you let her rope you into seeing her/communicating with her. Love makes us blind, and right now shes is being a b!tch and you are not seeing it.

 

She dumped you, and yet she wants to keep you around as emotional support/a friend/FWB. By doing this, you are justifying her actions, at least to herself.

 

The only thing that can get you through this is mental fortitude and self-discipline. Go NC for ATLEAST two months, she has to feel the full force of what losing you actually means. I read an interesting article about this "issue" and what goes on in the "dumpers" head.

 

Right now, her rampaging emotions are controlling her. The most important thing for her right now; is doing what she wants, when she wants. And you my friend are in the line of fire. What you need to do, is seek cover (NC) and wait for her to slow down. According to the author of the article, the person suffering from GIGS, will only start to "miss" their ex after roughly 6-8 weeks, and that is assuming you went missing. As long as you stay in her life, she wont have a chance missing you and she will just keep going.

 

Edit: And please, do not "be friends". If you still have feelings for her, it will only cause you misery and you risk getting "friend-zoned" and lose her forever

Edited June 26, 2012 by Charlie25

[diddleum]

Charlie, you are right on man. But im a man and im weak, great sex is great sex!

 

Its weird, she isnt young she is 25, but has never been single her whole life. Now she is looking great (thanks to my loving nuturing and pleasent lifestlye I gave her), all the male attention has gone to her head! Most of her friends have settled down, makes her look dum. At 25, dunno how long it can last, I reckon shell probably burn out soon enough. She is only going after stunning looking guys, the vast majority are just looking to **** girls and use em, hope she learns the hard way how good I really was.

 

My sweet kind fun girlfriend has turned into a self obbsessed, selfish, arrogant, careless, $2000 handbag, fake tan, doesnt eat, skinny, getting a boob job floosey! She aint who I want to be with at the minute anyway, in some ways seeing her for what she has become has put my off her. But I aint gonna lie I hope she might come back to the girl I knew.

 

I know I cant be her friend, but not sure if I can promise not to have sex with her again. No contact is best though for sure! Im just gonna be mean!

[Charlie25]

Hehe, my ex is also 25, and as yours, she never had that "young, single and partying" stage in her life. I have maintained NC, i feel much better, and according to "the experts" its really the only thing we can do.

 

I remember my older sister did something like this when she was 25. She dumped her fiancee (who was a great guy) for what seemed no good reason. 3 months later, on a family get-together, we had a long talk and she broke down in tears, telling me how stupid she was and how she wanted him back, but he did not respond to her advances.

 

My point is: This is something they have to figure out on their own.

[Pod81]

I feel for you, i really do, i am in the same boat (well almost)

 

My ex also had a case of the GIGS, luckily i kinda saw it coming, so i managed to read up on some good advice before we broke up

 

What she is doing right now, is not fair towards you, and you my good man, are just sabotaging your own efforts.

 

You need to disappear, and under NO circumstances do you let her rope you into seeing her/communicating with her. Love makes us blind, and right now shes is being a b!tch and you are not seeing it.

 

She dumped you, and yet she wants to keep you around as emotional support/a friend/FWB. By doing this, you are justifying her actions, at least to herself.

 

The only thing that can get you through this is mental fortitude and self-discipline. Go NC for ATLEAST two months, she has to feel the full force of what losing you actually means. I read an interesting article about this "issue" and what goes on in the "dumpers" head.

 

Right now, her rampaging emotions are controlling her. The most important thing for her right now; is doing what she wants, when she wants. And you my friend are in the line of fire. What you need to do, is seek cover (NC) and wait for her to slow down. According to the author of the article, the person suffering from GIGS, will only start to "miss" their ex after roughly 6-8 weeks, and that is assuming you went missing. As long as you stay in her life, she wont have a chance missing you and she will just keep going.

 

Edit: And please, do not "be friends". If you still have feelings for her, it will only cause you misery and you risk getting "friend-zoned" and lose her forever

 

Where is this article that you speak of? When I saw that line "doing what she wants, when she wants", my jaw literally dropped to the floor because those were the EXACT WORDS my ex used to justify our breakup. Right now, im 12 days post-break-up and 8 days of NC, so I'm hanging in there. Anyways, I've almost become obsessive over the psychology of girls with GIGS...literally reading every article that I can possibly get my hands on.

[jdids247]

I just want to chime in on this as I'm in the same boat.

 

The easiest thing to do right now is think as the person you knew as dead and gone. I went through the same things and broke off an engagement 5 months ago. They aren't coming back (in your case she did a couple times) but they aren't going to be the same person you're longing for.

 

The person they're turning into is the result of some sort of extra attention or boredom. They think they're missing out on something they're not getting in the relationship. Then you start to see the personality, arrogance, and selfishness roar its ugly head. My ex started to act the same way.

 

I think of it as the 80/20 rule. If 80% of the relationship is great there's a 20% void they want to fill. So they go looking for that 20% thinking it's what they've been missing out on only to find that things weren't as bad as they made them and now they're looking for the 80% once again. It's a vicious cycle but they need to figure it out on their own.

[Chi townD]

Thought id update and have a good vent, so much has gone since I posted a few weeks ago.

 

It was going well with my new girl, quite casual and I was very honest about my feelings and that im not 100% over my ex.

 

My ex was messaging me some weird stuff about being friends and that she has lost her best friend and she dreamt about me and stuff. I ignored most of it and then was quite blunt and told her to leave me alone.

 

Im still seeing new girl, but the last week I found myself thinking about my ex, I went to have a little look on a populat dating website in uk and my ex was BANG up there at the top of my search. Bit of a coincidence? I couldnt help myself but message her. With a few minutes she suggested meeting, and she was round my apartment and we was having the most amazing passionate sex, she said I was amazing and the best and so on, and I knew she wasn't faking. I wasn't emotional at all, and didnt talk of anything serious, spoke of people we were dating, after a hour of chat she left me, she said we should hang out again.

 

I've probably made a mistake and have set myself back, but o well, I still cling pathetically onto a hope of reconcillation...

 

I knew shed probably been seeing other guys, and that shed probably had sex with people. But I was curious, so being that im a computer programmer I maanged to hack into her facebook and dating website. Pretty stupid.... So I read about a short relationship she had where she fell for a guy, he had sex with her then called it off in a typcial sort of fashion. What annoyed me most was the dating website where she was messaging a guy to go meet him moments after she left having sex with me the other day!

 

I dont think she is a slut and would only sleep with people that she really liked, but she is loving the attention something chronic it seems.

 

I wonder whats going through her head, I dont really understand how she can have such little respect for me. If she had moved on, why would she bother coming back to me?

 

I don't feel to bad for it all though, which shows ive moved on somewhat. My new girl is sweet, pretty, kind, caring. But she doesn't have that wow factor that my ex had, but has alot more long term partner type qualities. Im not sure if im being fair on her because of my ex still being around, I guess its impossible for me to move on with out ex out of my life completely.

 

Sorry for wittering on, pretty pathetic arent I. I know what im doing wrong, just cant help myself.... (

 

 

Okay, so let me see if I got this straight. You cheated on the new girl (which, technically is a lot of grey area as to if you're exclusive or not) with your Ex that has been with one dude since your break up and text another dude to go sleep with him RIGHT AFTER HAVING SEX WITH YOU!! Well, apparently she WAS faking it or else she wouldn't need to hook up so quickly after an afternoon of sex.

 

The worst part is you cheated on a sweet girl that has been completely understanding of your situation, kind to you, caring and has never pushed you and you treat her no better than your Ex has been treating you. I want to believe that you're above that.

 

Dude, WAKE UP CALL!!!

[Chi townD]

Oh and you better get tested before you do anything with the new girl. Your Ex could have gave you the clap, the drip, herpes, SARS, mad cow disease....who the hell knows.

 

Persoanally, I think the new girl has the right to know what you did.

[Charlie25]

Where is this article that you speak of? When I saw that line "doing what she wants, when she wants", my jaw literally dropped to the floor because those were the EXACT WORDS my ex used to justify our breakup. Right now, im 12 days post-break-up and 8 days of NC, so I'm hanging in there. Anyways, I've almost become obsessive over the psychology of girls with GIGS...literally reading every article that I can possibly get my hands on.

 

I found it through a link on another site, which i can't remember either, i deleted my history and can't seem to find it again, sorry

 

Anyways, i don't think its a good idea too dig to deep into that kind of stuff. Every person is unique and every situation is unique. Another girl i know got what would be descried as GIGS, but it only turned out to be another guy. She had a small, very unsuccessful RS and quickly found out he was a tool and soon wanted her ex back. He did not take her back tho

 

And by reading examples on this board, it seems for some people, it can last for years.

 

But one thing that bothers me a little is the fact it is called a "syndrome" like its some kind of mental illness, and in some way it justifies the person "suffering" from it and removes responsibility. Am i saying one should stay in a relationship if you are unhappy? Not at all. But i think its more of a cultural phenomena rather than a primal instinct.

 

In today's society people demand more and more, almost perfection, and i think some of this pursuit for perfection has taken hold of peoples expectations to relationships as well.

 

Look at TV for example. Everyone (with the exception of the bad guys) are "perfect". They are beautiful, smart, sympathetic, fun etc. etc. You might say: "Its only TV", but it shapes our view on reality more than you know

[diddleum]

Chi townD you've got the wrong idea... Im 100% sure my ex wouldnt of had sex with the guy she met later. she just went to meet him for the first time off a dating site.

 

Although I feel bad about my new girl, we arent an item, i've told her about my ex and that im not over her. Regardless I was wrong to both girls, but I wouldnt say I cheated on this new girl im dating. O and I was very careful to use a condom! I think she has only been with one guy since me, but she is going on alot of dates, she simply wouldnt have sex with a guy without getting to know them... Maybe the third date lol.

 

I do think that the ex I knew is in there somewhere, but clouded with hew new lifestyle. The grass is always greener, i've been there and learnt. Now she is there and will probably learn as well.

 

Charlie & Pod, sounds like you guys are doing really well, I was doing well to at 2 weeks NC, then the breadcrumbs started to be dropped and I gave in. Please don't be as stupid as me and respond to them, look where it had got me, im back on day 2 NC!

 

We can't be friends with them whilst they are like this and while we still hope to get them back....

 

Charlie, sounds like we are very similar. Im 30 years old, so im quite settled with myself and have done alot of wild things, so I guess I came across as a bit boring to her much of the time. But I offered her everything else she could dream of. I read with interest about your sister breaking down and wanting her ex back. I've seen so much weakness from her already, so Im happy to give it a few months before I loose all hope.

[Chi townD]

Well dude, I'm sorry if I came across as harsh. But, I just feel for the new girl. She has been with you and understanding of all of the crap that you've been going through. To me, that the sign of a very caring and compassionate person and I don't have to tell you that she didn't deserved to technically "not be cheated on". And I think you know that too.

 

So, in my opinion, you got used by your Ex as a booty call, time to get your head back on straight.