Any Hope for reconciliation

[Domino63]

I have come to appreciate most of the things that my wife was doing and would like to find some way to tell her without sounding condesending. I respect her a great deal, especially now that she has become so independent, she has certainly changed as I. I would like to consider asking her for a date in a few weeks. She seemed very nice (not beligerant) when I picked the girls up from her house and acted like she wanted to talk but she realized we were in a hurry to get to a family function. She put the mediations on hold for the past month but I just figured that was because I told her I don't have the funds to pay for our daughters camps that she decided to sign them up for this summer. She told me she'd figure something out. Neither of us has the funds to pay for this divorce and certainly don't, now there is another residence. I helped her figure out the budget for her rental house when she said she couldn't afford and then she turned around and said she shouldn't of asked me to do that since it didn't make since. I just feel in my heart that she still has some love for me down deep but doesn't know what to do about it. When the girls are here and having fun it just doesn't seem right without her. I probably sound too sappy but it hurts a great deal, her not being here to manage the snacks, share in the fun and just enjoy the time herself. Have I mentioned in the past threads that I miss and still love her dearly?

[Domino63]

Hi soserious1,

 

1. I would berate her with questions about what I was doing wrong or when I used a shotgun approach to resolve our problems I would wait patiently for 8-10 days then ask if all the work I was doing around the house was helping any.

 

2. I would get frustrated when she would come to me for suggestions/help on how best to lose weight, I would suggest walking for a few months, then she would quit after a couple weeks and tell me it wasn't working. I felt I was failing so I would push her harder like a parent would a child playing ball. Then when that didn't motivate her I would take away affection or communications (yes I know, very bad).

3. She would often wear blouses that were way too small for her, (very little fashion since) gaping buttons holes etc. & very high heals, I would say please don't wear that in public but to spite me she still did and then I would say something that hurt, like you look like trailer trash. That greatly upset her and she never let go of to this day and is part of the reason she still holds a great deal of anger towards me. Please understand I apoligized several times for this and am not proud of at all, but the damage is done.

 

I have never physically touched her in vain but I know many of my words cut just as bad. I have made great improvements in my behavior but don't feel that she'll give me any more chances.

[Domino63]

Pteromom thank you for your comments, they are very thought provoking and thats what I am striving for at this time. The only thing that bothered me about how the abuse counselor is training her to get away from me. She was extremely beligerant, pointing fingers, screaming at me telling me how it was going to be. She has always been a very passive person that has been happy to do about anything we discuss. Now this is quite a change for her charactor and was quit hurting to me since I thought we could set down and have a civil conversation. She couldn't get me legitimate reasons for the divorce other than she doesn't love me any more. Now days a few months later she is extremely nice, seems like she wants to be friends almost buddy buddy cuz she was teasing me the other night but I didn't catch it. It just all seems to be turning into a bunch of head games now. I am expecting her to still be easy going and "yea, lets just get this overwith" But she has held off on the final few mediator meetings, keeps being real nice to me saying thank you for any information I provide and somewhat chatty. So I take a chance when she call a week ago and ask her if this is really what she wants (divorce & bankruptcy). I said I don't honestly know if if going to be able to keep the house that our girls have grown up in and wanted to finish growing up in since I would have them 50% of the time. We got started into other aspects of our problems and she started crying, she then came back and said that some man at the store told her she had a nice smile. I wasn't sure where that came from, I just assumed she was lobbing insults at me. My counselor said we were just not on the same level and she probably recently had been thinking about how much I had put her looks down so she was trying to invalidate any of my comments. I have hurt her and she is going to hold on to that anger for a good while and try to invalidate as much as she can the one person that she let all the way in to her inner self. I honestly am still learning how much I have heart her. It was just so hard to understand when she would just stare back at me and not say anything like she didn't understand. Is there anything I can do to ease the pain of the words. For the past 4 months I havn't said any kind of cutting remarks for obvious reasons and don't plan to anymore. I was just so brutally honest with her, which is how our relationship went. Do I just stay away or do I very nice and answer all of her questions, yes we talk a lot, because of our girls camps, functions etc.

 

Do I just go along with her wanting to be friends? I know that wouldn't take much but the problem I have is then she doesn't really learn to live on her own if I'm being her friend and she knows all the stuff I'm up to. I truly believe somewhere down under all that anger is still some love for me but she just can't see it. Meanwhile yes I am continuing with behavioral classes and an extremely good codependence counselor but am worried that it may be too late to convince her that I have changed and am will to give her all the compliments, accolades and give the reigns of the relationship to her, she certainly has made a lot of strides in the past couple years.

Edited June 26, 2012 by Domino63