Let it be broken

[livingstrong]

Let me start by saying today is the day I'm going to start living again.

 

My story, like yours, has brought me to these forums in search of others who have been down this road before me and others who will follow. Together it will be much better...I am sure of this.

 

Overview:

 

-Mid thirties (both of us) with 3 boys.

-Together since we were in high school

-Myself: Well...I'm a Taurus - successful, extreme determination and strength of will (even to a default), passionate, firm and a HUGE ego until two years ago when I began to struggle with addiction and was humbled like never before.

-My wife: Well...She's an Aquarius - extremely artistic, kind, very smart, eccentric, creative. Lacks motivation, sleeps in, and is ALWAYS on FACEBOOK.

 

History:

 

We have issues...and it goes back a long way. She got pregnant when I was very young and we had our first son who is 15 now. We've stuck together through thick and thin and have a magnetic attraction toward on another. The past 8 years have been very hard (I was a medical student and resident and also started a company) and we recently relocated to "start over" about 8 months ago.

 

Ever since we were young, I've had problems committing to our relationship. Through college I felt cheated in some way because I didn't get to live the normal "college life" and sew my oats. We fought a lot and broke up a few times but always managed to stay together. This carried on for a long time and I remembering trying to escape all of the time so I didn't have to be home with her. As we grew older, I felt more and more like I had missed out. My ego was huge then and I didn't appreciate the work she was doing as a housewife. I always felt resentful because I was working so hard and she was just spending our money. I started interacting with women on the internet, which then begun to lead to more.

 

Half-way through my residency, my life came crashing down (2 years ago). Between work and my company, I was working nearly 100 hours per week I was nothing to my family but a paycheck. I started using drugs to cope with all of the pain and resentment and found myself in rehab in 2009.

 

Soon after leaving rehab, my wife began having an EA with a friend from high-school who she reconnected with on Facebook. He's the opposite of me...much more open-minded, buddist, and gave her all of those warm-and-fuzzies for many months. She tried to meet him several times but he wasn't interested. When I found out, I was crushed and stated on that day that I would change to save the marriage and appreciate her. I made my amends and after 6 months of 180 stuff she finally came around - mostly to save the family. It was difficult for her to cut things off with her EA.

 

We relocated about 8 months ago together...bought a big house, a boat together, trying to start fresh in another place without all the outside BS. Despite all of this STUFF, our relationship only got worse. She went into depression (off and on), didn't really try to meet friends, and started using Facebook more and more. We became distanced and once again, I started flirting with women online as an escape.

 

About a month ago she found out and saw it all. Since then we have been living together but it's been really tough. She went to see a counselor for the first time a few weeks ago and they told her they thought she had "battered- women syndrome." I have never laid a hand on my wife but I have been controlling toward her. There are clearly some deep issues going on and I'm not sure why I went online again but I did.

 

I'm confused and don't know which way to turn right now. It seems so dark and so broken that I can't even imagine repairing this. We both love our children very much and still have a deep connection. I'm pretty sure she is back to talking to the same guy from FB via email, texts and there is nothing I can do about it. Despite all these issues, I want more than anything else to keep our family together and to get the help we need to be healthier as a family. She is asking for a separation and says she has no love for me right now and absolutely no trust ( which is understandable). I am confident that if I can embrace my recovery, I can remain healthy with or without her. I've got to move on here and cut all of the unhealthy away. I tried to 180 for a few days and it worked for a couple days only to make things worse.

 

I'm so confused. I'm trying to be okay with letting this be broken for now and not trying to "Fix" anything. Can anyone relate to my story? Your advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you to all my friends here for listening to my story.

[livingstrong]

I was strong today. She left in the AM for fitness and stayed out all day, napped and then went back out until midnight. I spend time with the kids and didn't call once. My mind is racing a bit tonight as I lay in bed on the other side of the house. No questions. No following. No goodnights. I'm sticking to my guns with 180 and am praying these effects work on me over time. It's only day 1 but it's an accomplished 1st step toward a new kind of happiness. Living together separated (now for 1 1/2 months) is not easy. Friend told me today..."what's the worst that can happen?"...you get divorced.

 

I'm trying to get okay with this being broken right now.

[livingstrong]

I woke up this morning feeling anxious. My wife is sleeping in our bed on one side of the house and I am staying in our guest house. Needed some clothes this morning (closet is behind our bedroom)...door was locked. I knocked and she let me in...got a few things and left.

 

More than anything right now I want to jump in her bed. It's so hard not to. This would be easier if we were living separately.

 

How long does this take to FEEL different. I want to be at peace with this but right now I'm just not. The anger and frustration feel consuming at times.

[Steen719]

In house separation is very difficult. You see what she is doing and you have to find a way to deal with this frustration. That is almost impossible.

 

I can't tell if you are in IC. You said she is, but didn't mention if you were. Did the 2 of you ever try MC?

 

She has told you that she doesn't love you and so she might not be willing to go to MC. She really might just be through and if so, this is just going to be torture for you staying there, watching her go out all of the time.

 

The 180 will only help you for sure and not you and she if she is done. The 180 is harder when you are with her in the same house. Is the separation supposed to be a way to determine if she wants to work on it, have a place to live until a divorce is accomplished or something else?

 

IMHO, living together while this is going on is harder than almost anything I did. I didn't think clearly and she will not see what life is like without you while this is going on. Also, a real danger is relapse for you.

 

I am not saying that there is no hope, but if you and she are going to stay together, then you need to work on your marriage in MC.

 

Good luck.

[livingstrong]

Steen -

 

Living together in the same house has been tough. Fortunately, our house is quite large and I'm staying in the guest quarters so we are separate at night. She still acts cordial most of the time, asks about golf, and even took the kids to the pool with me today. It's very odd. One thing I've noticed though is that her phone is tied to her waste like never before. She keeps CLOSE tabs on that thing, which is a warning sign. She says it's "one of her boundaries."

 

Her IC said the relationship is toxic and she should leave immediately. This is easier said then done.

 

As far as my IC, I've been going to meetings and have my first apt. for IC this upcoming week. Relapse potential is low right now despite everything. The only thing I'm at risk for is going out and meeting someone online or something, which would only complicate this further. I'm just trying to be okay with me.

 

We went to 3 different MC a couple years ago (just a couple sessions each) and it was like pulling teeth to get her there. I set them all up and she wasn't really interested in doing the exercises. So I told her if she ever wanted to go again, she would have to set up the apt.

 

Today she sensed my distancing and commented a few times about it. She said I seemed "angry at her."

 

Oh well...I'm going to keep pushing hard at 180 even when I'm week in the knees. This forum is really helping me navigate through this.

[livingstrong]

Went to church yesterday...man that was tough. Living in this house together is miserable but at least it's got a guest quarters for me to sleep in :-).

 

I gave into the 180. Not sticking to the game-plan results in defeat. Today I am defeated and getting back on the horse.

[Steen719]

Well, as I said, the hardest thing for me was being in the same house. The fact that she carries her phone around with her is definitely not a good sign, but you already know that. You need to get out of the house when you can and take your kids somewhere. Don't muddy the waters by engaging with someone else online.

 

180 is for you, remember that. She really has no reason to trust you right now and seemingly you can't trust her. If neither of you can be faithful, I can't see what can work out.

 

If you both want to be married and work on it, that is one thing. If she says she does not love you and is not interested in working on your marriage with counseling, then I am not sure what you are doing together in the same house. That is just misery.

 

This is just my thinking. I don't see you moving forward at all. I would say you and she need to get going on something for your marriage or at least determine that is what your intentions are if you are going to stay there. What is the reason for your separation? Is it to decide whether to stay married? How is that helping? Is it to just have a break? That is not working.

 

Sorry, I don't know what to say. You have cheated, she has cheated and probably is still doing so with her old bf (both of you online or whatever), she says she doesn't love you, you are not in MC and there seems to be no movement toward that. I would keep your IC appointment and see if that can help you make some decisions. It looks to me as if you are standing still in your misery and from my experience, that is the worst place to be

 

Good luck.

[livingstrong]

These are all good points. I can't see the situation clearly right now and feel stagnated. She has said this before and then changed her mind right at the brink of when it happens. I keep having faith, yet faith does not feel enough this time. It's a vicious cycle that I've not had the strength to break.

 

How long until the strong feelings subside?

[Steen719]

Well, that varies...I know, not what you want to hear. My situation was different from yours. I am older than you and XH cheated after 8 years of marriage and again 14 years after that after I had cared for him, emotionally, physically and financially during illness and transplant. The level of betrayal was part of how devastated I was. I never cheated either, never wanted to. I am in financial ruin and had to leave my house. He didn't end up with AP, but immediately found someone else and he is in love. Discovery was last May 24th and divorce Oct. 2011, moved out Jan. 28, 2012. Sooooo, it has not been that long for me, either, and I truly believe the level of betrayal made it more difficult than it might have been. I also was married for 22 years.

 

So, with all of that in mind, I'll tell you. I stayed in the house after the divorce and it all but killed me. I was watching him call his gf, text her, go into another room to make sure I didn't hear him and he left for days at a time to see her. I thought I would never get over it. I cried night and day. Compounding this is that I work from home..teaching. I finally moved out late Jan 2012 and so this has only been 4 months. The first month was the hardest and then since then, it has gotten easier. The really screwed up thing about it is that you feel good one day and awful the next. I had a period of time that I really felt good and I crashed. So, the roller coaster can go from day to day or even less time. What I found after a while was that the lows were not as low and the highs were not as high. BUT, 7 months divorced and almost 4 months out of the house, I am overall feeling better than I did. I still cry some, but not anywhere near as much as I did and I have begun to have some hope of a better future. Most people told me that it took them 6 months (from leaving...so for me jan) to really start feeling better.

 

Staying in the same house was awful, devastating and almost impossible. I was paralyzed every day with sadness. My brother finally told me that he was worried that if I did not leave the house, I would lose my mind and it would take a long time to get back to normal.

 

You are not going to find the clarity you seek being separated in the same house and not working on your marriage. You are in a holding pattern and will never take off...just circle and circle until you run out of fuel and crash. At least determine what both you and she want and if she does not want to be married to you and doesn't love you, then you need to go forward, livingstrong. You can't forward standing still.

 

Good luck to you. It is an awful place to be, but you should know, there is hope for some relief in time.

[Snowflower]

Hi livingstrong, I might be WAY off base here but I notice a couple of things from your posts that I believe are complicating the situation for your wife...

 

Do you honestly even know what you want out of life? I know that sounds kind of mean and harsh. But your OP says that you had trouble committing to your marriage several times and that you kept feeling that you needed to sow your oats. Then you mention that you were in medical school and starting your own business (how can anyone be able to do that)...then you mention having several online "friendships" with women. So, it sounds like you are conflicted about your life, career and your relationship.

 

Then you and your wife move to a new area/house, which is stressful under any circumstances..whew! What is it that you are trying to achieve here? What do you want out of life?

 

IMO, the 180 is not going to work in your situation because you already admitted that you have/had commitment issues about your marriage and then your multiple online friendships. Do you even want to be married?

 

Why, may I ask, do you engage in these "friendships" if you want to be married? You say it is an escape, but how are these online chats an escape? You need to figure that out!

 

I know I sound harsh, and I don't mean to! I just sense a lot of confusion, chaos, and crisis in your life. I don't think the 180 is going to work because your situation is not the norm with a wife having an EA. Yes, she is wrong for what she is doing--but there are other issues at stake here.

 

What are your thoughts? Am I completely off base? I honestly am not trying to be harsh!

[Steen719]

Hi livingstrong, I might be WAY off base here but I notice a couple of things from your posts that I believe are complicating the situation for your wife...

 

Do you honestly even know what you want out of life? I know that sounds kind of mean and harsh. But your OP says that you had trouble committing to your marriage several times and that you kept feeling that you needed to sow your oats. Then you mention that you were in medical school and starting your own business (how can anyone be able to do that)...then you mention having several online "friendships" with women. So, it sounds like you are conflicted about your life, career and your relationship.

 

Then you and your wife move to a new area/house, which is stressful under any circumstances..whew! What is it that you are trying to achieve here? What do you want out of life?

 

IMO, the 180 is not going to work in your situation because you already admitted that you have/had commitment issues about your marriage and then your multiple online friendships. Do you even want to be married?

 

Why, may I ask, do you engage in these "friendships" if you want to be married? You say it is an escape, but how are these online chats an escape? You need to figure that out!

 

I know I sound harsh, and I don't mean to! I just sense a lot of confusion, chaos, and crisis in your life. I don't think the 180 is going to work because your situation is not the norm with a wife having an EA. Yes, she is wrong for what she is doing--but there are other issues at stake here.

 

What are your thoughts? Am I completely off base? I honestly am not trying to be harsh!

 

I agree with Snowflower on the above. I actually thought to mention the fact that you were lamenting your marriage at an early age, but the thought left my mind...lol You appear to want her when she is emotionally leaving the marriage and the same for her. vvvvv

 

She has said this before and then changed her mind right at the brink of when it happens.

 

So, it seems like neither of you are happy being married to each other currently.

 

As I said, seek MC if both of you want to stay in the marriage and seek it if you decide to divorce to help you divorce 'well".

[Balzac]

Completion of M.D. requires delayed gratification. A few of the

actions you mention seem to be impulsive. Not every spouse

is up to the time commitment required to practice medicine.

I don't recall your specific mention about this in your marriage

but I know it to be a fact in other medical marriages I know of

Has your wife developed her intellect? Found a passion other than

parenting? Is growing apart due to lack of shared intellectual stimulation?

[livingstrong]

All of this is true. It's like we are living in a hampster-wheel. From what I am reading, it's all part of being codependent. When I'm happy, she's sad and vice versa.

 

I really don't know what I want for my life right now. I'm very conflicted and apparently it is coming out in my posts.

 

Building a company while in residency was incredibly difficult. I built it so we could have income during those tough years so she didn't have to work. My wife graduated college but has never had a job outside of the house. Her career is my career.

 

My liasons online have been a problem and I've blown all trust out the window. I believe they are a part of my addiction and seem to flare when I'm not active in my own recovery. Her EA ran for about a year and a half but he was never willing to meet her. She was always the pursuer in the relationship. This just kills me. She claims he is in a relationship now but I still feel like a second-rate option that she's not even willing to consider right now. Again...I'm seeing myself as a codependent more and more.

 

When we moved her 8 months ago we decided to do things "differently" I thought that meant MC, IC, work on us but it didn't happened. She became complacent and I guess I did too. I've always been the one with the energy to try and fix this, or at least get help on behalf of our family. We both love our boys so much. I provide her with a really good live materially and have been very proactive in changing myself. I'm the type that will cling onto the Titanic until has sunk and I'm floating up to the surface...loyalty to a fault.

 

Love is far too complicated for me to figure out. All I know is that this is the girl I've loved since I was 15 years old. I turned 33 a few weeks ago.

[Character Floss]

Hello LivingStrong.

 

You've heard it before: work the program. I think what people are pointing out is that some of your behavior is self-sabotaging, if your desire/intent is to stay married to your wife, and to have a marriage worth staying in.

 

With your wife's habits of time/etc., who cares for the children, and how old are they?

 

If you knew that you would have primary custody of your children in the event of a divorce, would that change your desired outcome?

 

If you knew your wife could not unravel the financial percs of all your hard work these past years, would that change what you want?

 

It's not a miracle cure, but I read a book that helped focus my questions and I have not seen another thread bring it up. It is called, "Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave" (or the reverse). The author brings up about eighteen points that she claims help clarify a decision, either by bringing out something that truly makes a relationship too good to leave, or truly makes it untenable. She makes the point that most of us do the "Ben Franklin" close, weighing pluses and minuses in the balance (and neither of you are a Libra, huh?), but viewing a relationship in that way is bound to be flawed, as there are a few items which are trump cards, which if they exist at all fully tip the scale in one direction or the other...thus the "scale" is not appropriate.

 

Let us know why you went to church. I am curious. And keep taking it minute by minute. I wholeheartedly agree with those who have asked, "What is the purpose in your separation?"

 

My wife and I are separated three months now, and the point is to find if we want to reunite or divorce, and it is taking two to three hours of pretty gut-wrenching MT each week (and it's out of network...ouch). So see if you can answer that question.

[Balzac]

It's been from teen to adult professional for sure. Sadly for you the task is rebuild whether it be marriage or family outside of marriage. Statistics on successfully overcoming addiction are dismal but I congratulate you on working your sobriety. That is a tough task. From your story it sounds as if you have over functioned for decades. That us an element of codependency.

 

I get the feeling a lot if this has been on the slow stew for a long time and neither one of you is ready to call it an end. It takes energy and hope for the future to renegotiate a relationship. I can only imagine how weary and alone you must feel. Trust can always be rebuilt through forgiveness. Is this perhaps your first experience with failure? Are you able to identify the underlying cause of your addiction?

Edited May 21, 2012 by Balzac
Typos

[livingstrong]

It's been from teen to adult professional for sure. Sadly for you the task is rebuild whether it be marriage or family outside of marriage. Statistics on successfully overcoming addiction are dismal but I congratulate you on working your sobriety. That is a tough task. From your story it sounds as if you have over functioned for decades. That us an element of codependency.

 

I get the feeling a lot if this has been on the slow stew for a long time and neither one of you is ready to call it an end. It takes energy and hope for the future to renegotiate a relationship. I can only imagine how weary and alone you must feel. Trust can always be rebuilt through forgiveness. Is this perhaps your first experience with failure? Are you able to identify the underlying cause of your addiction?

 

I've been an overachiever all my life...and was born with this "never-say-die" attitude. It's carried me far but has doesn't work in a failing relationship. Accepting failure in my marriage is one of the most challenging things I've ever had to face. We has our first son together very young. I was 17 and she was 18 at the time. Our boys are ages 15, 9, and 8. Our 15-yo suffers from Crohn's disease and it has been a challenging year for him to say the least. He missed all of 9th grade and sat home ill...now he is going to have to repeat the year.

 

My wife sleeps a lot during the day but I'm home and present for the kids. She is an incredible cook. I haven't really felt like I've an all-in partner for a long time. I'm sure she felt that way for years when I was in med school and residency. Every night we have gone to bed together for the past two years, she has her nose stuck in her cell phone (mostly FB). I hate it. I feel like I am alone on an island.

[livingstrong]

Hello LivingStrong.

 

You've heard it before: work the program. I think what people are pointing out is that some of your behavior is self-sabotaging, if your desire/intent is to stay married to your wife, and to have a marriage worth staying in.

 

With your wife's habits of time/etc., who cares for the children, and how old are they?

 

If you knew that you would have primary custody of your children in the event of a divorce, would that change your desired outcome?

 

If you knew your wife could not unravel the financial percs of all your hard work these past years, would that change what you want?

 

It's not a miracle cure, but I read a book that helped focus my questions and I have not seen another thread bring it up. It is called, "Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Leave" (or the reverse). The author brings up about eighteen points that she claims help clarify a decision, either by bringing out something that truly makes a relationship too good to leave, or truly makes it untenable. She makes the point that most of us do the "Ben Franklin" close, weighing pluses and minuses in the balance (and neither of you are a Libra, huh?), but viewing a relationship in that way is bound to be flawed, as there are a few items which are trump cards, which if they exist at all fully tip the scale in one direction or the other...thus the "scale" is not appropriate.

 

Let us know why you went to church. I am curious. And keep taking it minute by minute. I wholeheartedly agree with those who have asked, "What is the purpose in your separation?"

 

My wife and I are separated three months now, and the point is to find if we want to reunite or divorce, and it is taking two to three hours of pretty gut-wrenching MT each week (and it's out of network...ouch). So see if you can answer that question.

 

The purpose of the separation is to give my wife time to heal on her own. She has stated that she feels I hinder her from living. Despite my encouragement for her to do art again, write poetry, join book clubs, take classes, anything healthy activity that would stimulate her outside of the house, she just won't do it. I invite her to play tennis, golf, go on our boat...and each time she has an excuse why she can't. My wife suffers from depression.

 

She states that she needs to find HER path alone, without me. She set up an apt with a personal trainer, looked into piano lessons, went to IC, and seems to be moving forward. As soon as I get in the picture, she shuts down completely. Her counselor says that we are in a toxic relationship. I know this is true. I've been in great denial about our potential for quite some time.

 

I keep thinking we can "fix" this with outside help from a MC but she doesn't have the DESIRE to work at it right now. Just today she said...call me in a couple years and we'll see.

 

I know one thing...I've got to stick to my recovery program and work on me. The concept of working on ME, compared to US just doesn't make sense in my irrational mind.

 

To answer your question, the money doesn't seem important right now. I still love her to a fault. She loves our boys very much and I'm sure a JC would be in order, or so I presume. Not sure where this road goes.

[Balzac]

As a physician yourself, it seems you so easily fall back on the diagnosis of "toxic relationship". You are working your recovery, it seems your wife is being treated for her depression and changing those two variables would modify the relationship assessment. Not cure it but allow further improvements.

 

I hold to the sound advice that working on your recovery is the necessary priority.

 

IC can help you. Put your oxygen mask on first. Keep talking here.

[Snowflower]

 

I know one thing...I've got to stick to my recovery program and work on me. The concept of working on ME, compared to US just doesn't make sense in my irrational mind.

 

 

Why doesn't it make sense to just work on YOU right now? By your own admission, you have felt less-than-committed to your marriage throughout the years and have engaged in multiple online "friendships" with women.

 

Do you know why you have chosen to do these things?

 

How can you reasonably expect to be able to reassure your wife that you would like to remain married if you yourself is unable to explain why you don't always want to be committed?

 

It is always easier to look at the other person (your wife in your case) and identify all their issues...she is depressed, spends too much time on FB, doesn't have outside interests, etc., than to look at yourself and your own issues.

 

Why don't you take that focus off of her and concentrate on your own issues? If you had always been a devoted husband and had never seriously thought about divorce, sowing your wild oats, or engaging in online chats, then IMO it would be natural for you to be concentrating on your wife's behavior to the exclusion of your own issues. I mean, no one is the perfect spouse but you seem conflicted about what you want.

 

This conflict will be the death-knell of your marriage, if it isn't already.

 

However, and I don't say this to be mean,you have your own demons that you have brought to this marriage.

 

Perhaps you should take some time during this separation and examine fully whether or not you wish to remain married because it seems like you have repeatedly questioned your commitment throughout the years.

 

Maybe this separation is for you, as well in order to figure out what you want? I would advise separate residences but I know with children that can be tricky and confusing to them. However, if finances are not a real issue, perhaps you should think about one of you moving out of your house?

Edited May 21, 2012 by Snowflower

[Balzac]

Your wife seems rather passive in her dealing with the marriage up to this point. Aside from verbal comments she has not left the marital residence or filed legal action to remove you. Passive-aggressive punishment of you. A taste of what she perhaps feels you foisted onto her. In time, with IC she may be able to modify her behavior. Two years of ignoring you via FB is quite a lengthy habit.

Are you sure depression is her only medical problem?

[livingstrong]

I've not been even close to a perfect husband. I developed a full-blown addiction that seemed to come out of nowhere a few years into residency, when my life consisted of work...work...and then some work. The was no reprieve. I remember even back to high school and college wanting to interact with other women.

 

Over the years, this continued, except for me it was always physical and centered around excitement and spontaneity. It wasn't until 2 1/2 years ago when I got into recovery that I started to see who I really was. Rehab really knocked me sideways in a good way. I used to be such an angry dick-head (excuse my language). My ego has always been an issue for me. I actually have felt human since residency ended 8 months ago.

 

Why I have engaged with other women online....hmmm. I personally don't believe it is something I have conscious control over - it becomes compulsivity. Ever heard the saying...a drink is a drug is a cookie is a date is a bet? Wel...that's me apparently. The only way I can live is by dedicating myself to recovery. I still have guilt issues with the whole thing. I feel awkward and "less than" because I have this odd disease.

 

In my seemingly rational mind, I feel like I am trying to play tennis with a partner who is not hitting the ball back and somehow get enjoyment (in a sick way) out of playing. Then, once I realize that her racquet is down, I go play with someone else to make sure I'm still a worthy tennis partner. Super-sick thinking.

 

Let it be said...addiction and alcoholism are "thinking diseases" and NOT drinking diseases.

[Character Floss]

LivingStrong:

 

Thank you for the reply. I will dissent with or buffer the "Since you were looking online and not paying attention to your wife, you need to focus on yourself" comments with this:

 

As long as you are working the program, and seriously examining what is inside you with someone you can't BS, I'll assume you are focusing on yourself and not viewing the marital problem as a problem originating from or residing within your wife. It took two of you to get here.

 

OK...as for toxic...I noticed you mentioned being wildly in love with her, or something similar. My ex-wife and I had a relationship many described as toxic. It involved the pushing-away/then pulling-back syndrome, and that is very manipulative and controlling. It is one of the foci in, "I hate you. Please don't leave me." I still recall when she went for an ex parté, without merit, during a visitation fight. This was after the divorce, some years after, and she came to court to drop it, arrived late/it was dismissed, we had lunch and wound up at her house for the afternoon.

 

So there was an undeniable attraction and we could not keep apart from one another--yet we also brought out the worst in each other at times. As part of this, and something that might help you relate, she was stay-at-home and typically spent ten to sixteen hours/day chatting online and maintaining her personal webpage. So I understand that some people are addicted to it.

 

OK...will let you go for now...but after one question:

 

Is your wife's depression being treated medically/pharmacologically? If not, is she open to that avenue? It might help.

 

I used to blow off the "Big Book" till a friend of mine took me to task on some things and referred to it while doing so. Two years ago he was a successful young stockbroker who made more money dealing...well, doesn't matter...and also using. He is now happy, sane, married and expecting a child...and content at this time working in maintenance in his church. He has peace.

 

So work it...but take it deeper than the surface.

[Balzac]

I find myself curious about your wife's reaction to your addiction and recovery? Does she have an understanding about the statistics and enduring process of working in recovery? Is her view that you've always succeeded, therefore recovery is guaranteed?

[Balzac]

One last comment regarding your oldest son. I'm surprised that he hasn't been enrolled in online high school classes. Many options exist, including Stanford. There are many reasons students cannot attend school but options for acquiring academic credit are many. I'm sorry he had a bad year. Lots of stress from that alone, much less marital strife. You have a full plate.

 

http://epgy.stanford.edu/ohs/

Edited May 21, 2012 by Balzac
Add link

[livingstrong]

One last comment regarding your oldest son. I'm surprised that he hasn't been enrolled in online high school classes. Many options exist, including Stanford. There are many reasons students cannot attend school but options for acquiring academic credit are many. I'm sorry he had a bad year. Lots of stress from that alone, much less marital strife. You have a full plate.

 

Stanford University Online High School

 

My wife was shocked when I went to rehab. I was never a big drinker, never into drugs. I developed a dependency on a volatile inhalational anesthetic. Used to put me to sleep after a long call. When I came out of rehab, she still wasn't convinced that I was an addict. She kept alcohol in the house and just didn't buy it.

 

I learned about my addiction through the book "Addictive Thinking" by Twerski, which I really identified with. Over the past year, she's quit drinking to support me, which has been a HUGE help. She told me she would continue supporting me this way but then came home last week smelling like alcohol and admitted to having a shot of Patron while out with friends. I was disappointed but my recovery is MY RECOVERY.

 

She went to her first Al-Anon meeting last week and thought it was pathetic that a women was still going after 25 years. She said she could never do it for that long and almost looked down upon this women. My wife said she had already grieved her emotions and didn't get much out of it and should instead go to "give" advice to others.

 

As far as my son, he tried online school and it didn't work out. Lots of self-instruction and Algebra I isn't great for that. I see some addictive traits in him so I'm more interested in getting his medicine right and his mind in the right place to gear up for Freshman year in the fall.

 

Oh...and the company is going through a tax audit :-(