Let it be broken

[livingstrong]

So talk of attorneys - threats from her to take the kids, etc. So exhausting. This is getting very real for the first time ever. I still feel sad - somedays better than others. Weekends seem to be the worst for me. Losing hope for mediation and negotiation with her. Looks like it's going to be war. She is unreasonable and gets very emotional (i.e. pissed) every time we talk. The conversations go nowhere. I'm finding it impossible to live in the same home as her. We need to get back to PA but I'm not sure if it's in my best legal interest to say in NC or go back to PA. Talking with attorneys from both states.

[2sunny]

So talk of attorneys - threats from her to take the kids, etc. So exhausting. This is getting very real for the first time ever. I still feel sad - somedays better than others. Weekends seem to be the worst for me. Losing hope for mediation and negotiation with her. Looks like it's going to be war. She is unreasonable and gets very emotional (i.e. pissed) every time we talk. The conversations go nowhere. I'm finding it impossible to live in the same home as her. We need to get back to PA but I'm not sure if it's in my best legal interest to say in NC or go back to PA. Talking with attorneys from both states.

 

Legally she can't take the kids away from you if you're their father.

 

You can ask the judge for them not to be removed from where you reside now.

[livingstrong]

Legally she can't take the kids away from you if you're their father.

 

You can ask the judge for them not to be removed from where you reside now.

 

Yep...if she tries to leave I have to go to the court-house immediately to file for her to keep the kids here. Biggest decision is whether to force her to stay here (where she is fish out of water) or to move back to PA and go through it there. Still up in the air. I believe it's best for the kids to be in my presence regardless of where we go.

[livingstrong]

Well guys - Huge turn around over the past week.

 

Wife and I have been actually spending some time together at the house. Kids have been gone so we went to dinner a couple times and even went out for a round of golf yesterday. I have to admit - it's felt good in a weird kind of way. In fact, I imagine it feeling it would if one found out they had cancer and then after being down for a while, all of a sudden went on vacation and forgot they had cancer. Then all of a sudden, one day you realize "this is great, but I still have cancer."

 

This morning wife woke up - out of the blue - and said that she thought things were moving too fast and wanted to pull back a bit, and particularly stop having sex. This will be really tough to stick to, especially since we have never gone more than a few weeks without having sex since I was 15. I'm confused again, saddened and feel very "sobered" by the whole thing.

 

Although my path of getting well hasn't changed, I have to admit that it's been nice not having to worry about the attorneys, fighting, talks of separation and divorce, etc. Still thought, I've had reservations too, and still do about even the thought of getting back together.

 

She tells me that she's not in love with me but still loves me. I tell her that it's not about being in love and that I am really not in love with her either. I don't believe it's about being "in love" at all actually.

 

So what is my goal? Well, I love my family and ultimately would like to have it back, stronger than ever. I, however, don't trust my wife, don't trust the relationship and have serious reservations about the future. I would like to use the opportunity to at minimum get an anti-nuptual agreement in place should things sour and go in another direction. More specifically, I'd like to get something in place that divides our assets now, and will stick should we part in the future.

 

We are still young. I worry about staying together for a few years, then getting divorced when she's over 40, locking my in for lifetime alimony, etc. Thoughts?

[jaymz]

My advise is probably bias and jaded...

 

It doesn't really sound like she wants to reconcile. What is she doing to pickup her 50% of the relationship?

 

The ILUBNILWU means she is with or wants someone else.

 

Moving too fast... no sex... out of the blue...

 

Doesn't add up.

[livingstrong]

My advise is probably bias and jaded...

 

It doesn't really sound like she wants to reconcile. What is she doing to pickup her 50% of the relationship?

 

The ILUBNILWU means she is with or wants someone else.

 

Moving too fast... no sex... out of the blue...

 

Doesn't add up.

 

Last week she ended the EA...since then the behavior has changed a great deal. No more phone-hiding, and all of the crap that's been going on. She also rarely leaves the house and their is not even a chance she is having a physical affair right now.

 

I do agree that we moved into old physical patterns very fast together. There's a lot of pain from the past and we naturally gravitate back to sex, and have ever since we were teenagers. Trying to approach this a different way this time...we have to break the cycle. She is not saying she wants to reconcile...we just have had a nice time together for the past week or so which I think has created some confusion for both of us. Like I said...it's been a bit of a "vacation" together, or so it's felt like. She's open to go to counseling to try and figure some of this out. That's a start. I'm not sure which way it will go...or which way I want it to go...just can't go back to the past.

 

I'd feel comfortable with a post-nup agreement in place so if anything should happen, we already have the financial part figured out.

[2sunny]

So... You pull her money tree and she offers up sex.

 

You are settling for allowing her to manipulate you.

 

If she doesn't love you - why are you even considering anything she says/does= she's a liar and a cheat. Why choose that for yourself at this juncture?

 

Ask her WHY you should even consider her while she's very broken and dishonest.

 

Is her plan to do counseling until she learns why she's broken?

[livingstrong]

So... You pull her money tree and she offers up sex.

 

You are settling for allowing her to manipulate you.

 

If she doesn't love you - why are you even considering anything she says/does= she's a liar and a cheat. Why choose that for yourself at this juncture?

 

Ask her WHY you should even consider her while she's very broken and dishonest.

 

Is her plan to do counseling until she learns why she's broken?

 

To be honest, I don't think she really has a plan right now. And if she does, she certainly isn't able to convey it....to me at least. Since I've been dishonest in the past, I do feel like I have a double-standard if I condemn and hold resentment. I am trying to be forgiving, yet maintain certain boundaries. Moving out, leaving the family, pushing with attorneys, especially at this juncture just feels so overwhelming.

 

Yesterday she told me that she thinks we are moving too fast and wants to refrain from having sex. I don't want the emotional roller-coaster. I just want to focus on me for a while and enjoy life. The company has suffered since my attention hasn't been there for the past few months. I need to refocus. The marriage can't be consuming my life. I am very unhappy and discontent. Settling doesn't seem like a good alternative either. Conflicted.

[livingstrong]

Hey Guys - Just an update.

 

Things have been rather blah around here. Not much affection...everything sort of on the fence. Just getting through the days without a whole lot of direction. I've stopped approaching her "to talk" almost completely. Never get anywhere and it's exhausting. Feeling down today for some reason. The whole thing just seems so hopeless at this point. She had family in town for the past five days. We had a nice 4th of July with them.

[Balzac]

Hey-no updates for awhile. Hope you are making progress with hiring an attorney and have been able to focus on your business.

 

Maintaining your personal boundaries and becoming more aware of codependency are tasks enough!