headstrong20 Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 My bf doesn't believe in marriage, or so he says. He says he never will get married. That he doesn't want to limit himself or his mate from leaving if they want to. We have been together for a few months over 3 years. We stayed together because a few months after we got together, I was pregnant. We would have broken it off pretty early in the game (I caught him flirting w/ another woman online), but I was very preggers & afraid at the time. I am not happy fo rseveral reasons, and quite happy for others. Unhappy: the man can't pick up anything, i do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and the vast majority of responsibilities w/ the kids (the youngest, 2, is his. The older, 5, is from a previous marriage). I always am the one to tak eher to the doctors, and am the one who picks them up & drops them off from school and daycare. I always am the one to get them dressed in the mornings. On the extremely rare occasion that I go out anywhere w/out the kids, it's always "hurry up" or an attempted guilt trip to make me stay at home. He will go to a max of 2 family functions a year (i'm not kidding, he counts), is racist, an dcusses to an extreme. Throws cigarette butts in th elawn and sidewalk no matter how many times I ask him not to. I made the decision to move our of our old apt into our house, so my share of the rent is $950/mo and his share is $300/mo. Happy: He doesn't cheat on me, not into drugs, abuse, doesn't stay out all night (or even very late for that matter). I have 2 jobs - 1 during th eday, one at night after the girls go to sleep, but the night job is only 2 nights a week - when I leave, i put the kids in bed and he stays there & keeps an eye on them (and doesn't complain about it anymore). He pays for 1/2 the daycare bill for the 2 year old without comlpaint. Pays for 1/2 the diapers. Pays his 1/2 of the bills on time. He tells me he loves me, and since I have been askign & talking to him about marriage & what our long-term goals are, he tells me that he wants to love me forever. He keeps sayign that he loves me very much. He is an excellent father. So I guess my main 2 questions are: Do I want to stay with him at all? Do I want to eventually marry him? I know I would like to get married someday, but he won't even entertain the idea, saying he doesn't believe in marriage. Am I being too harsh, maybe just looking for an out of the relationship? Am I just frustrated with our stagnating relationship? Tryign to spice stuff up w/ marriage? Am I just wasting my time stayign with him? We have a yougn child that he is very good with, very loving. Would it be selfish of me to break up when it would also affect how often she gets to see her father? Any advice on anthing discussed here would be lovely. I think I am leaning towards breaking up (have been for a long time). I might just be afraid to is all. That and the baby.... Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Do you love him? Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 First and foremost: Do you love him? I heard you say that he loves you, that he's an excellent father, etc. But do you love him? Secondly: How would you handle the custody/visitation, etc. with him were you to break up? Thirdly: How would you do financially without his financial contribution? Is this what is keeping you there? Also, have you tried to change your routine any, to give yourself a mental break? I have an almost 5 year old and an almost 2 year old, so I know what it's like to be insanely busy all the time. Maybe you ought to suggest to him that he take you on a date? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 Debster has a point, do you love him? I see a couple of things wrong here. First, you are paying for a lot more for the house than he is, working a lot more than he is and it seems to me you are a lot more mature than he is. ( I gather that from the cussing, flipping cigarettes. When a person cusses a lot, it really does knock a lot of IQ points in other peoples eyes. ) In order for this to work out the way it ought to, he needs to start off by paying half of everything. Taking care of his messes and the children's messes on his watch. (This includes his cigs). He also needs to consider alternative words to replace the vulgur ones so that your children won't grow up cussing at their peers at school. As far as you being the one having to do all the foot work, family functions and such....I have to admit......my wife takes care of most of that too.....BUT, she hasn't had a job in 16 years, so, well, she has the time to do so. He needs to start being more involved in that area too especially since one of the little ones is souly his. If you don't think these things can be taken care of and there is no hope of getting these things accomplished, you are just asking for a miserable life with him. That's just my opinion...... Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
msrealdoll Posted June 24, 2004 Share Posted June 24, 2004 I hate to say it, but it sounds like you're unhappy. Not because he won't marry you, but because you have fallen out of love with him. I don't think that people that are content with their partner and relationship entertain ideas of leaving. Staying together for the sake of the child is a bad idea. Children do much better when the parents are happy and not in a bad relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author headstrong20 Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 Debster & 2 sides to stories: Link to post Share on other sites
Author headstrong20 Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 Debster & 2sidesto stories: I don't know if I love him, frankly. I cannot see myself without him. We've been together for 3 years now.... we've goen through different periods of feelings. When I look into my deep heart, I love him. But maybe not as a lover. Maybe more as a child. I hope you understand. I desperately don't want to hurt him. Does that help any? Cause I am clueless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author headstrong20 Posted June 24, 2004 Author Share Posted June 24, 2004 Well, financially I would be strapped, frankly. I would have to come up with more rent & utils, etc. It wouldn't be easy there. And my built-in sitter would be gone, making it even harder to pay for things. We have tried to make things better by doing a sort of "date night". We do a "game night" where we sit down on friday nights and play board games or computer games. It hasn't helped tho. The butts & cursing are highly irritating, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 25, 2004 Share Posted June 25, 2004 Definitely do not marry the guy if you can't even say you are in love with him - the way a wife should love her husband. Most of your rationale for marrying appears to be financial and comfort - not a good reason to get married. Obviously you have feelings for the guy and don't want to hurt him, but getting married to a guy you don't love is WAY worse than breaking up with him now so the both of you can find someone you can love and who will love you in return. Link to post Share on other sites
Author headstrong20 Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 thank you guys. I went out last night w/ a couple of girfriends who have been around my b/f and known me for several years. Thay agree that I am not in love with him, never have been. i do love him, but not the kind of love he should be getting and vice versa. -Jeanne Link to post Share on other sites
sing4me Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 "I don't know if I love him, frankly. I cannot see myself without him. We've been together for 3 years now.... we've goen through different periods of feelings. When I look into my deep heart, I love him. But maybe not as a lover. Maybe more as a child. I hope you understand. I desperately don't want to hurt him. Does that help any? Cause I am clueless." I copied your posting so you could hear back what you said. Honey you have answered your own question in several of these postings,in the very first one you said that you would have left him when you caught him "flirting" online while you were pregnant but you stayed because you were pregnant. I have been exactly where you are not once, not twice but 3 times!!!! I finally figured out the problem wasn't the men it was me. What I mean by that is they can only treat you how you allow them to. If you refuse to let him do these things then he can't do them. That also would require some changes from you. What I mean is You have to train him or leave him and it might take just that. In a very calm manner Tell him this : When you do ( or say) (_whatever it is that bothers you____)_ "I feel" ___________ and fill in the blank of how you feel when he does or says the things that are bothering you. Then the next time when he still does it and he probably will on most of them, tell him "if you continue to do (or say ) these things and don't respect how it makes me feel I am going to have to think make some decisions that might affect the way you feel or something like that( put it in your own words, but when you do this be prepared to follow through with your actions otherwise you are telling him that what you say means nothing and your full of hot air. DON'T SAY IT IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH! As far as feeling like you cannot see yourself without him, I felt that way in all 3 relationships that I mentioned earlier, but I am proud to say the relief and recovery was much faster than you think it will be. That is feeling of not being able to live without them is called "co dependency" and most people are co Dependant to some extreme (some more than others) There is a fantastic book called "Co Dependent No More" you could probably find at half price books.You always have options and you might end up a year or so down the road being very glad that he wouldn't and didn't marry you, as far as that goes, his reasoning behind not marrying is pretty lame because we all know that you can get out either way it just costs more to get out if you are married. Maybe he is not really happy with himself and thus he is making you unhappy being there. The kids pick up on this too-don't fool yourself into thinking they are too young. They " feel " it. I have a really great poem that if I can find it I will come back and post it for you. One last thing: Love is an action word and a lot of his actions aren't showing very much love. You and the children deserve love and respect. Good Luck and be happy in whatever you decide Link to post Share on other sites
sing4me Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 One more thing -the book I mentioned above would be good for you whether you stay or go, because if you don't figure out how to avoid this in the next relationship you will end up with the same guy who just has a different face if you know what I mean. Stand up and be strong. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author headstrong20 Posted July 2, 2004 Author Share Posted July 2, 2004 We've had a rocky past. Just before you had posted, I told him that it was time to either take part in half of everything, or to go. He told me thta he wasn't psychic and that he couldn't know what "half of everything" meant. I explained & he said he still wasn't going to know when and/or what to do to help out (even tho I had just explained). So I helped him to pack up & move to his parents' house. 2 days later he told me that he would be willing to do half. So he's back - kind of. We are allowing ourselves 2 weeks to decide whether or not we should be together & try to stick it out. I don't know if we will or won't - it depends on whether he has decided to be part on actions, not just words. I will pick up that book - once upon a time i had read a book "Ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives". It was wonderful and I took some things away from it. Others who are in the same boat may want to get that one, too. Link to post Share on other sites
sing4me Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Is that by Laura Schesslenger? I think you may have allowed him back to easily after getting him out, but since he's back give him the time you agreed upon. I can tell you this though anyone can be on "good behavior" for two weeks. Don't let your guard down and what I mean by that is mean what you say and say what you mean. If you don't you will one day wake up and realize that you have wsted your life being miserable and on anti-depressants. Life is too short-BE ALIVE!!! If the years that I went through of not being aware of what I deserved can help you or someone else then it was worth it. That would mean it was for a reason anyway. Keep me posted. Link to post Share on other sites
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