Consolidated Discussion - Paying for Dates

[musemaj11]

I learned a valuable lesson from my experience with my ex. He almost never offered to pay for my dinner. In fact, a lot of the time, when the restaurant gave us one bill instead of two separate ones, he wouldn't even bother to touch the bill, so I used to pick it up and pay for the both of us. Only rarely did he pick up the bill, and I could tell he paid for both of us almost reluctantly. He would've preferred to ask them to split it up, but he was forced into not asking because I had paid for his in the past. At any rate, I later found out that, even though his company's per diem was $50, he was only spending $20 / day and putting the rest aside for his solo trip to Thailand (he goes there 3-4 times every year, to ogle ladies, and claims he just loved the country and the friendliness of people there). I was livid. I didn't tell him anything, though. And the relationship started going downhill anyhow.

 

But based on this experience: I will never EVER pick up the check at a restaurant, if I go on a date. Especially not the first 5-6 dates. Sure, it will feel awkward, as I hate it when someone pays for my meal, but it's the way to go, to make sure you are dealing with a decent man, not a selfish, narcissistic *******. Beyond the 5-6 dates, I would offer to split the check, but NEVER EVER will I pay for the both of us. EVER. That was a big mistake, and it was in tune with, and set the tone for, our relationship. Me constantly bending over backwards to keep him satisfied. **** that. Never again.

Plenty of men share your feeling.

 

Being expected to pay for everything on dates all the time sucks, doesn't it?

 

Just like you, I don't take seriously women who have any expectation of me to pay for anything for her because I don't want to be emotionally committed to selfish, narcissistic bitches either.

[NoMoreJerks]

Plenty of men share your feeling.

 

Being expected to pay for everything on dates all the time sucks, doesn't it?

 

Just like you, I don't take seriously women who have any expectation of me to pay for anything for her because I don't want to be emotionally committed to selfish, narcissistic bitches either.

Understandable. However, that is no excuse to treat women the way my ex treated me whenever we ate out together. I understand that some men may have had bad experiences with women who expected them to pay, and then played around with them then dumped them, so you feel used, but what if the girl was actually not playing games and not expecting you to buy every time? Thats like throwing the baby out with the bath water. My ex complained that women he had been with were golddiggers, but he ended up mistreating me because of that, thinking that he was applying the lessons he had learned from those experiences. The irony is that he had been nice to the bitches, but a bastard to a nice woman who wouldve paod for her own meal anyway.

Edited September 16, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

The thing is, i was paying for HIS meals all the time. I did it gladly, because i felt like someone i cared so deeply about deserved it, but the thing is, the feeling was never mutual. It's not about buying all the time. It's about caring enough about your partner to not care about spending money on their meal especially when u were together. And from my experience, most women would be willing to go dutch if the guy was unwilling to pay, except the few narcissistic bitches here and there.

[NoMoreJerks]

The other thing is that i will never pay for a first few dates because when i did that in the past, it showed me as non-confident and willing to keep him happy amd satisfied the whole time, and that did not put me on an equal footing in the relationship with him. This is especially a problem for women, who genrrally have lower self esteem and confidence than men and because men often view women as being weaker.

[suladas]

I have no problem paying for the first few maybe up to 4, but after that I expect it to be pretty close to 50/50. I've never split the cheque though that's just weird to me. I'm use to switching off paying. Or one person gets dinner, the other gets the movie, etc. It doesn't have to be exactly equal, she just has to make the effort and not expect me to pay for everything. But at 23, most women my age don't expect to pay. I will always offer to pay I just expect her to say no it's on me, it was perfect with my ex we always took turns paying it was never a issue. The ONLY time I ever didn't was when it was my birthday, then I was 100% fully expecting her to pay and didn't even go near the bill, and yes I 100% expected sex to!

 

I mean how many guys have that problem with stricly female friends? Anytime a cab ride, road trip gas money, etc I ALWAYS find it's the guys paying for most if not everything. So annoying. I find it funny though how many claim they can't find a decent guy. Maybe it's because they expect them to pay for everything.....

Edited September 17, 2012 by suladas

[NoMoreJerks]

I have no problem paying for the first few maybe up to 4, but after that I expect it to be pretty close to 50/50.

That's perfectly fine IMO.

 

I've never split the cheque though that's just weird to me. I'm use to switching off paying. Or one person gets dinner, the other gets the movie, etc.

We did that. I hate playing around with cash. I almost never have enough change to put the exact amount anyway without goin into messy calculations about how much each of us put down, and it just makes things very awkward. So I often paid for the meal, and then we would go out for a pitcher of beer after dinner, and he'd get that. Not exactly 50/50 but it was fine. And sometimes he would pay for both of us after I paid for both of us the day before.

 

I mean how many guys have that problem with stricly female friends? Anytime a cab ride, road trip gas money, etc I ALWAYS find it's the guys paying for most if not everything. So annoying. I find it funny though how many claim they can't find a decent guy. Maybe it's because they expect them to pay for everything.....

True, but I also would not want the guy to feel like I'm so needy that I'm paying/buying my way into hanging out with him, if I offer to pay for his meal, etc., too often. That's why I said that for women, it's a bit more difficult because a lot of the time men assume that women are the needier party in the relationship, and the last thing I'd want is for him to abuse that.

[GirlontheLam]

I am a little old fashioned. I want the guy to pay for the first date or 2. We don't need to go to an expensive dinner or whatever. Coffee, drinks, ice cream are all far game for the early dates. I'll pay for the next thing if we go to multiple places. We can trade off after.

 

It is mostly a goodwill gesture in my book. I've found when they guy doesn't pay, then I end up finding out he is cheap in other ways. Or for some other reason not compatible.

 

I am not looking for someone to pay my bills, I make plenty on my own. But I do like gentlemen.

[LittlePrince]

The master sex shouldn't have to pay for anything. They already paid by being present.

[123321]

I saw the title and I thought it was another prostitution thread ... and then I thought I was wrong, but then maybe I was right the first time.

[LittlePrince]

I saw the title and I thought it was another prostitution thread ... and then I thought I was wrong, but then maybe I was right the first time.

As they say always go with your first guess.

[LittlePrince]

I'll never forget the time I was hanging out with a guy I knew at his apartment. It was a long time ago and I can't really remember why I was there. I think the guy was actually a friend of a friend and I was with my friend, but we were hanging out for some reason at this other guy's apartment, watching a game and having a beer figuring out what else to do that afternoon.

 

But the part I remember will always stay with me. This guy was just an unwashed mess, looked like he had been drinking all night, unshaven.

 

Knock on door. A beautiful woman comes in with a bag of food, I think it was McDonald's, kisses him, says "I know you love McDonald's so I bought you some on the way over." He takes it, basically tells her to get lost because he is hanging out with bros that afternoon, starts eating.

 

So I asked him "That's a pretty good girlfriend you got there."

 

"She's not my 'girlfriend', she's just a girl I know."

 

"But you didn't pay her back for the food. She just bought it for you?"

 

He smiled and said "Yes."

 

"Aren't you supposed to pay her back if she buys something for you?" (How naive I was.)

 

He said: "I never do."

 

So any woman claiming that she will think less of a man if he doesn't pay for dates, buy her stuff, etc., is full of crap. A woman who is really into a man sexually will do backflips and pay for everything and basically throw herself at the guy. They only have an expectation that the guy will pay if they are not really that into the guy sexually or emotionally.

 

Think of all the posts on Love Shack where women will literally prostitute themselves to men even when the woman is married, even when the man is married, etc.

 

It's all just a bunch of lies from greedy, entitled gold diggers who manipulate and take advantage of men who have been brainwashed not to know any better and lack confidence.

How many times do you find this kind of behavior? Rarely if ever.

[SeriouslyJK]

Like someone said a few posts above I also prefer to switch off paying but splitting the bill is uncomfortable for me. If it came down to splitting the bill I would rather just pay the whole thing. I think just being the age that I am (22) I don't see dating as a formal courting ritual but just getting to know someone andideally I'd like money to have as small of a part as it could.

[madjac74]

This whole time I thought this thread was about people who pay escorts to go out with them. I have avoided it until now! I think the title should be reworded a bit

[LittlePrince]

This whole time I thought this thread was about people who pay escorts to go out with them. I have avoided it until now! I think the title should be reworded a bit

Technically it is about escorting. Not exactly the profession but the idea that women should be compensated in some manner for dating.

[Matlock]

I have a rule; no paying for dates until we're solidly together.

 

Think about it; how often does a first date GUARANTEE a relationship (serious or casual)? Lot's of first dates don't lead to second ones, and even second dates are sometimes the last with a particular person, so it's pretty much a pointless gamble to pay 100% early on.

 

Exactly right.

[oaks]

Unsolicited message just received on a dating site from a woman half my age, reads as follows:

Am I worth paying for? x

At least we've got the awkward "who pays?" chat out of the way early in the relationship!

[Emilia]

Unsolicited message just received on a dating site from a woman half my age, reads as follows:

At least we've got the awkward "who pays?" chat out of the way early in the relationship!

 

:laugh:

 

is she worth paying for?

[oaks]

:laugh:

 

is she worth paying for?

 

Well, she's pretty and she's got a nice rack but I don't really go for teenagers.

[LittlePrince]

Ask if she has a payment plan and if she accepts coupons or has other discounts.

[oaks]

Ask if she has a payment plan and if she accepts coupons or has other discounts.

 

I'm almost tempted to do that, but I suspect it's a fake account, one of the dateless guys trying to prove that girls have it easier, for example.

[LittlePrince]

I'm almost tempted to do that, but I suspect it's a fake account, one of the dateless guys trying to prove that girls have it easier, for example.

Usually it would be a guy who can get dates trying to make a fool out of the dateless if it is a fake account.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Fuss. If you're gonna pretend to be a writer try to use the right words most of the time.

 

I think she meant to write "don't blow a fuse."

[Mme. Chaucer]

I agree. I see women as not much more than purchasable goods. If I think the price matches the quaity, I will buy it and Im always looking for the best bang for my bucks.

 

A lot of people need to realize that love is an illusion. Its simply business. Women sell and men buy.

 

You're one sick little fetal puppy, dude.

[musemaj11]

You're one sick little fetal puppy, dude.

At least Im not delusional like you are.

 

People like you are in denial.

 

Look around you, the hottest women get the richest men and the richest men get the hottest women. Its an undeniable phenomenon.

 

Women are in fact commodities and they see themselves as such. The common belief among women (as can also be seen plenty on this very forum) that "If he won't pay for me, then he doest think Im worth paying for" accurately reflects this idea that women view themselves as valuables whose value determined by the monetary price their buyers are willing to shell out. Therefore in my opinion, men also need to understand this so they can be smarter buyers also.

 

Im not saying there is anything wrong with all that. Im just saying lets just call a spade a spade.

[famke]

Wow this issue is so big on this forum. I'm surprised.

I think it's a cultural thing. In northern-europe it's normal for most women to split the bill with a man. I never let a man pay for me.

There are exeptions. If a guy is asking me out and wants me to go to a very expensive restaurant I might ask him to pay cause I simply can't effort it as a student.

Also some girls that are studying and not yet have their own income might let a guy pay but most of my friends would then take the guy on a second date and pay then.

Honestly, when you are both having a decent job you would never let a guy pay. Its degrading for women and it feels like you 'owe' the guy something, if you know what I mean.

 

So yeah, I think it's bad to let guys pay on dates.