Consolidated Discussion - Paying for Dates

[neveragain34]

Chivalry is not dead; men should pay on the first date. You followed proper etiquette in offering; his form of proper etiquette should have been to decline. If he sensed you really wanted to contribute, then he could have asked you to leave the tip.

[KatZee]

Chivalry is not dead; men should pay on the first date. You followed proper etiquette in offering; his form of proper etiquette should have been to decline. If he sensed you really wanted to contribute, then he could have asked you to leave the tip.

 

^^^^ THIS.

 

To say, "oh if you don't want to pay then don't offer" is a horrible way to go about dates because then the guy is turned off he's with a woman who just expects to be paid for.

 

There IS etiquette on a first date. Guy asks for a date, takes girl out, it does NOT have to be some gigantic to-do. It could be merely for coffee and dessert, but proper etiquette is for the guy to pay.

 

Proper female etiquette is to OFFER to chip in, because be real, that's the RIGHT thing to do. You don't want to put off the vibe that you expect someone to give you a free ride with everything.

 

The proper male etiquette in response is to be happy the woman has offered, but you politely decline and say, "It's on me this time. :)" or asks if you can leave the tip, as said above.

 

Down the line if all is going well for subsequent dates, the woman can pay, they can split, or do whatever is comfortable. But a FIRST date? Where impressions make all the difference? I'd kind of be turned off and feel he wasn't even into me if he allowed me to pay my way. It has NOTHING to do with it being 2013 where women can take care of themselves.

[Emilia]

To say, "oh if you don't want to pay then don't offer" is a horrible way to go about dates because then the guy is turned off he's with a woman who just expects to be paid for.

 

There IS etiquette on a first date. Guy asks for a date, takes girl out, it does NOT have to be some gigantic to-do. It could be merely for coffee and dessert, but proper etiquette is for the guy to pay.

 

Proper female etiquette is to OFFER to chip in, because be real, that's the RIGHT thing to do. You don't want to put off the vibe that you expect someone to give you a free ride with everything.

 

But you DO expect a free ride and you are just pretending that you don't. She did expect to be paid for and it would be a turn off to me if I were a man because she didn't have the guts to admit that it was what she expected. We are not in high school anymore. Being so indirect and show so much pretense is not really a good ground to gain respect from someone.

[Els]

^^^^ THIS.

 

To say, "oh if you don't want to pay then don't offer" is a horrible way to go about dates because then the guy is turned off he's with a woman who just expects to be paid for.

 

Proper female etiquette is to OFFER to chip in, because be real, that's the RIGHT thing to do. You don't want to put off the vibe that you expect someone to give you a free ride with everything.

 

But clearly she DOES expect to be paid for if it's a big deal to her that he took her up on her request, doesn't she? Why not be honest in that case instead of beating around the bush?

 

I also agree that proper etiquette is to offer - but proper etiquette is also to not be offended if someone takes you up on your offer. Mean what you say.

 

Not to mention that the way she phrased her request was much more serious than just an offer. I don't believe men should be expected to read minds.

[Els]

Does your credit card come out on the 2nd date? Amazing that women expect to be paid for their "company". Men have better senses of humor and personalities. If anyone should pay for the company of the other, it should be women. Amazing how certain "traditions" that suit women are never out of style, but what they don't like becomes sexist and passe.

 

:lmao:

 

Trust me, if your sense of humor was THAT good, people actually would be paying for your company and you wouldn't be here complaining that they don't.

[CryForNoOne]

I'm slowly getting back into the dating field after a long drawn out break up. I don't know if I'm being too cautious or picky but I went out with a guy tonight (we're both in our 30's). At the end of dinner I went to the washroom and when I came back the bill was already on the table and he put his credit card in. I ALWAYS offer to pitch in on a first date but usually the men I've gone out with take care of the cheque. Anyway, I asked if I could please pitch in and he didn't hesitate and proceeded to ask the waitress to just split the bill down the middle. I'm definitely not stuck in the old-school mentality of dating & chivalry, but I think it says something about someone on a first date if he let's the lady pay. What do you all think?

 

He called me later that evening to ask if I got home ok (it was a little bit of a drive) and said he had a good time. That's a positive in my mind in terms of being "gentlemanly" lol.

 

In general the man should pay for the first date. It's tradition and accepted practice. I'd only break that rule if she INSISTED on contributing AND one of the following was applied:

 

- If she asked me out.

- If it is a very expensive restaurant.

- It's already clear there will be no second date.

 

Can't speak for your date but if that were me and you offered and I gladly accepted, that's probably a bad sign.

[crude]

Women are the masters of disingenuous offering. They expect the man to pay on the 1st date, it's tradition, but they pretend they'd pay. Then it becomes, the man should pay for the 1st 3 dates, but I wouldn't hold it against him if he didn't. Then it becomes the man should pay for all dates but it's ok if a woman pays for his birthday. Then they get married and she makes as much money as him because she's an equal, except she can quit whenever she feels like it, children or not, financial need or not. The man of course can never, ever quit, because. Paying for the 1st date because you're a man is the precedent for paying until you're an old man who weighs 1/2 of what he did when he was young, while the wife weighs twice what she did. Double standards don't end after the 1st date, they die with you.

[Drseussgrrl]

Every dude I split the check with (because I always offer) turned out to be not that into me. EVERY SINGLE ONE. That's what you do with friends.

 

Dudes I went out with who insisted on paying were either very into me and wouldn't dream of letting me pay, or gentlemen, or both.

[Els]

Women are the masters of disingenuous offering. They expect the man to pay on the 1st date, it's tradition, but they pretend they'd pay. Then it becomes, the man should pay for the 1st 3 dates, but I wouldn't hold it against him if he didn't. Then it becomes the man should pay for all dates but it's ok if a woman pays for his birthday. Then they get married and she makes as much money as him because she's an equal, except she can quit whenever she feels like it, children or not, financial need or not. The man of course can never, ever quit, because. Paying for the 1st date because you're a man is the precedent for paying until you're an old man who weighs 1/2 of what he did when he was young, while the wife weighs twice what she did. Double standards don't end after the 1st date, they die with you.

 

Still not seeing any sense of humor there.

 

Are you perhaps a woman in disguise?

[Drseussgrrl]

For the record I was talking with my coworker who had been out with a woman and he complained that she didn't even reach for her wallet - even though he would have insisted anyway.

 

It's polite.

[Bengal Tiger]

In the first few dates I will calmly and smoothly pick up the check and pay it. If she whips out her card/cash and hands it over, then I won't argue about it and just let her pay half. I ignore anything she has to say about this, like "do you want me to X?" and just take care of it decisively like a man.

 

This is one of many reasons to start with small stuff like coffee or casual lunch and progress to more fancy things later. I also love to cook and that can be impressive and low cost and allows for a private intimate setting.

 

Throughout any of this, if she ever decides to bitch about anything I do, I'll show her the door and wish her good luck. There are much nicer more pleasant women out there for me, and much more submissive guys for her.

 

Also, if we have been dating for a while and she likes going to high end places and ordering top shelf cocktails and expensive organic gluten free grass fed items and doesn't offer to pay even half, or bitches at me for getting beer and chicken, then she's not worth it. I've made exceptions for girls who were young and pretty, but it still didn't go well so no more exceptions.

[grkBoy]

I usually pay on the first date. I mainly see it as the old school gentleman thing. I personally think guys should show some class and pay.

 

I think it's nice when the girl offers. Shows she's not some stuck-up female who thinks men should pay all the time no matter what.

 

In terms of splitting, if she's very insistent on splitting, then I'll assume she's not into me. That she's pushing to split because she's scared I might want "something in return". I don't, but if I see her like that then I'll assume she's not into me and thus is insecure.

 

In the case of the OP (and anyone else in that scenario), I'd simply just say this guy did things non-traditional. If she's into the guy and he seems into her, then go on more dates and see what happens. Don't dwell on this.

[Keenly]

I pay every time. I don't care if its the first date, second date, 30th date, I am paying, unless its established she is paying when we make plans. If she says "let me take you out to dinner " I won't offer resistance. But if we are out and the check comes I'm taking it , no splitting, no compromises. I got it.

[crude]

Still not seeing any sense of humor there.

 

Are you perhaps a woman in disguise?

 

This topic is deadly serious. No humor allowed. When the double standard calls women sluts and whores while men are called men of the world, we immediately recoil at the despicable behavior of these neanderthals. However, when the double standard victimizes men, we completely ignore it and tell the hapless,exploited victims to "man up". Blame the victim when the victim is a man, wear ribbons of protest when it's a woman. Shameful I say.

[Keenly]

This topic is deadly serious. No humor allowed. When the double standard calls women sluts and whores while men are called men of the world, we immediately recoil at the despicable behavior of these neanderthals. However, when the double standard victimizes men, we completely ignore it and tell the hapless,exploited victims to "man up". Blame the victim when the victim is a man, wear ribbons of protest when it's a woman. Shameful I say.

 

Uhhhhhh..... what?

[colombiana28]

I consider myself a feminist. I have no plans to get married and be the one expected to do all the cooking, cleaning, and child-rearing. In both my LTRs, I never allowed my boyfriend to buy my way twice in a row. If I go on a first date and I'm not really into the guy/don't want to have sex with him, I would NEVER allow him to pay for me. If I go on a first date and am REALLY into the guy, I offer to pay my own way unless he insists, which is when I smile sweetly and say, "Fiiiine, but I got the next one" and I do. I follow through, I pay for the entirety of the next date. If he wants to split, my understanding is we'll be splitting on every date, and I'm totally fine with that. Even stevens is my mantra in life...I will never have a man spend more on me than I do on him. If that makes them respect me, awesome. If that makes them see me as less of a woman, I don't care, like I said: I'm sure as hell not going to be the one scrubbing his skid marked undies or serving him dinner every night if we do eventually end up together.

 

I also have sex when I damn well feel like it. I've had girlfriends look at me in horror when I told them I've paid my way on a first date AND had first date sexytime. Sorry, but I don't buy into the notion that I should be dazzled or "bought" in order to have sex. No guy has ever devalued or "used" me for that, if anything, I've had to beat off dudes that want more of a commitment than I do. Probably because they're not used to a woman pulling her own damn weight.

 

You want equality, you got equality. I don't expect you to pay, but don't expect me to fulfill any "womanly" role you have in your head.

 

HOWEVER, I will say this: When the guy insists on the first date, it makes a great impression. Perhaps I cannot overcome societal norms/biological response on that one. It makes me weak at the knees. Like I said, the 2nd, 4th, 6th, 8th etc date is on me, but that first one, when he pays, is like a psychological cherry on top if it's been an enjoyable evening.

[KatZee]

But you DO expect a free ride and you are just pretending that you don't. She did expect to be paid for and it would be a turn off to me if I were a man because she didn't have the guts to admit that it was what she expected. We are not in high school anymore. Being so indirect and show so much pretense is not really a good ground to gain respect from someone.

 

No, I DON'T expect a free ride, I would LIKE the guy to pay on the first date. But I'm GOING to offer b/c that is my personality and I'm never going to just sit there with my thumb up my a.ss pretending that the check isn't there. I'm NEVER going to want that impression to come from me, that I EXPECT anyone to pay for me.

 

So if the guy DOES say, "OK lets split it down the middle." Fine. I'll pay. I won't make a stink about it, but the fact he has no dating etiquette absolutely DOES say something to me.

[Drseussgrrl]

I consider myself a feminist. I have no plans to get married and be the one expected to do all the cooking, cleaning, and child-rearing. In both my LTRs, I never allowed my boyfriend to buy my way twice in a row. If I go on a first date and I'm not really into the guy/don't want to have sex with him, I would NEVER allow him to pay for me. If I go on a first date and am REALLY into the guy, I offer to pay my own way unless he insists, which is when I smile sweetly and say, "Fiiiine, but I got the next one" and I do. I follow through, I pay for the entirety of the next date. If he wants to split, my understanding is we'll be splitting on every date, and I'm totally fine with that. Even stevens is my mantra in life...I will never have a man spend more on me than I do on him. If that makes them respect me, awesome. If that makes them see me as less of a woman, I don't care, like I said: I'm sure as hell not going to be the one scrubbing his skid marked undies or serving him dinner every night if we do eventually end up together.

 

I also have sex when I damn well feel like it. I've had girlfriends look at me in horror when I told them I've paid my way on a first date AND had first date sexytime. Sorry, but I don't buy into the notion that I should be dazzled or "bought" in order to have sex. No guy has ever devalued or "used" me for that, if anything, I've had to beat off dudes that want more of a commitment than I do. Probably because they're not used to a woman pulling her own damn weight.

 

You want equality, you got equality. I don't expect you to pay, but don't expect me to fulfill any "womanly" role you have in your head.

 

HOWEVER, I will say this: When the guy insists on the first date, it makes a great impression. Perhaps I cannot overcome societal norms/biological response on that one. It makes me weak at the knees. Like I said, the 2nd, 4th, 6th, 8th etc date is on me, but that first one, when he pays, is like a psychological cherry on top if it's been an enjoyable evening.

 

Applause.

[KatZee]

Applause.

 

EXACTLY. Subsequent dates, FINE. But the first?

 

When I'm then dating someone seriously, when I do offer... I'm not being insincere at all. I've taken my ex's out and paid the full bill on many occasions. That's who I am.

 

But a first date? Etiquette, etiquette, etiquette.

[Drseussgrrl]

EXACTLY. Subsequent dates, FINE. But the first?

 

When I'm then dating someone seriously, when I do offer... I'm not being insincere at all. I've taken my ex's out and paid the full bill on many occasions. That's who I am.

 

But a first date? Etiquette, etiquette, etiquette.

 

Yeah - ESPECIALLY if he asked you out!

[Keenly]

L

I consider myself a feminist. I have no plans to get married and be the one expected to do all the cooking, cleaning, and child-rearing. In both my LTRs, I never allowed my boyfriend to buy my way twice in a row. If I go on a first date and I'm not really into the guy/don't want to have sex with him, I would NEVER allow him to pay for me. If I go on a first date and am REALLY into the guy, I offer to pay my own way unless he insists, which is when I smile sweetly and say, "Fiiiine, but I got the next one" and I do. I follow through, I pay for the entirety of the next date. If he wants to split, my understanding is we'll be splitting on every date, and I'm totally fine with that. Even stevens is my mantra in life...I will never have a man spend more on me than I do on him. If that makes them respect me, awesome. If that makes them see me as less of a woman, I don't care, like I said: I'm sure as hell not going to be the one scrubbing his skid marked undies or serving him dinner every night if we do eventually end up together.

 

I also have sex when I damn well feel like it. I've had girlfriends look at me in horror when I told them I've paid my way on a first date AND had first date sexytime. Sorry, but I don't buy into the notion that I should be dazzled or "bought" in order to have sex. No guy has ever devalued or "used" me for that, if anything, I've had to beat off dudes that want more of a commitment than I do. Probably because they're not used to a woman pulling her own damn weight.

 

You want equality, you got equality. I don't expect you to pay, but don't expect me to fulfill any "womanly" role you have in your head.

 

HOWEVER, I will say this: When the guy insists on the first date, it makes a great impression. Perhaps I cannot overcome societal norms/biological response on that one. It makes me weak at the knees. Like I said, the 2nd, 4th, 6th, 8th etc date is on me, but that first one, when he pays, is like a psychological cherry on top if it's been an enjoyable evening.

 

I do not pay every time because I want to make you feel like less of a woman... that's never my intent. I pay so that I can feel like more of a man. I don't associate paying with sex, because quite honestly by the time the bill comes, she has already decided if she's getting it on that night.

[KatZee]

Because we all know the pleasure(or lack there of) of a mans company is completley worthless. Women should get paid more for having to endure the company of men on dates.

 

LMAO. Some guys are positively dreadful.

[KatZee]

Women don't want our company though. But we want theirs. Men want women. Women don't want men. Offcourse we have to pay.

 

Kind of have to agree with this. I'm comfortable being single. I have a reoccurring conversation with this guy friend of mine who WON'T STOP ASKING ME OUT on a date, meanwhile I tell him all the time I'm not interested at all. I don't see it happening.

 

His response is: "I'm making it my mission to get you to date me."

 

Really?

 

He's always like, "You never have the urge to be out there hooking up and having sex and dating?" and I'm always like, nope. Not really. I really love my life right now. Making new friends, being spontaneous, doing fun things, living it up. I don't need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled. And he's always mind blown as if this doesn't happen in real life.

[jcrew11]

I don't want to sound traditional. But when a guy pays for Dinner, in the back of his mind, he is expecting the woman to "pay her half with sex, eventually."

 

If a woman wants to pay for dinner himself, then the guy will think that she is not interested in him and does not want to sleep with Him, or be "indebted into sleeping with him."

 

We live in a capitalist society and "everyone knows that nothing is free" - so if a guy is buying you expensive dinners or drinks, then he is going to expect the woman to pay him back with sex.

[jcrew11]

HOWEVER, I will say this: When the guy insists on the first date, it makes a great impression. Perhaps I cannot overcome societal norms/biological response on that one. It makes me weak at the knees. Like I said, the 2nd, 4th, 6th, 8th etc date is on me, but that first one, when he pays, is like a psychological cherry on top if it's been an enjoyable evening.

 

Women also like seeing a guy pay for dinner not just because it shows he has "money" but it also re-inforces that he is interested in her. Sure, it puts pressure for sexual expectations, but it raises the stakes in the relationship by proving that the Man is willing to spend money to "impress a girl" not just "buy her for sex."